Upset about DH comments and weight - feeling so down

[Bluebelle82]

I am in my 40s, 5.5" and size 12 / BMI 27 - short legs so I always look a bit stocky. I have the usual story - I put on 1.5 stone after 2xDC and have wobbly arms and a bit of mum-tum. My DH is very lean and fit. I have lost 0.5 stone over the last few years and am aiming to shed another stone. I keep saying this whenever asked but It has been very up and down - I struggle with addiction to sugar.

Anyway, I wore a pair of trousers today which maybe weren't the most flattering and DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

I feel like such a failure. I don't know what to say. I feel like there is now this deadline hanging over me and I am going to fail. I don't know what to tell him!
The other thing that makes me sad is that I saw some photos of myself taken 15 years ago when at the time I felt equally unattractive and stodgy because of unkind things people had said - and now I look at the photos think I looked lovely. I feel so sad about how I felt at the time.

I want to loose the weight for me - I genuinely want to go back to being fit and healthy. But I hate the thought that my marriage depends on this. Also, can a 40+ year old woman ever fully loose the tummy after two pregnancies in later 30s. Any advice out there? Or anyone who can just cheer me up?

Yup

Your body carried two kids, it's done a great thing! If YOU want to lose weight, do it. But don't do it because he told you too.
I'm sorry but the man is an arsehole and you sound fine to me xx

It’s so horrible that he has reduced you to just a body OP by his callous words, instead of showing love for your whole person and being committed to you through all stages of life. He sounds so shallow and it would make me question his integrity and values. It is one thing to help each other be healthy and stay attractive as one small part of a relationship, but surely there should be so much more to it? Will he communicate properly to clear this up or is this really all there is to him?

Ugh
he might still fancy you but how could you fancy him after that comment??

A size 12 at 5ft 5 is healthy. You need to get in perspective that it is not normal for a man to say that to his wife. I am trying to lose weight (quite a lot), Dh is supportive and encouraging, he has never, not once said anything about my weight. EVER.

If he told me he couldn’t be married to a fat wife I would have said “ok well then off you fuck, don’t let me keep you”.

What a horrible man you are married too . What happens if an accident / illness change your looks and the menopause. Is he to divorce you then. Maybe you should consider that first .

This is one of the many reasons I stay single.

I have no desire to be under pressure to be physically acceptable to someone (anyone) else.

I have alopecia and psoriasis and an under active thyroid.

People tell me that doesn't matter and someone could love me for me, but it seems that many people can't love imperfection. I'm not putting myself in the situation of having to live up to someone else's standards. Screw that.

@Bluebelle82 ata size 12 and a BMI of 27 you are hardly huge!! Im not sure I would want to be with someone that shallow- how would he be if you had a serious illness or needed steroids ?? I think he would be out the door if I'm honest. I sometimes think there are some men who are so shallow who just want a housekeeper , who looks good on his arm and that they can fuck , not a genuine caring relationship.

There are lots of us on here who are way bigger than you are with men who are supportive if you try and lose some, who tell you that you look lovely (even when you don't think you do) and never actually say anything negative unless it's causing health problems and you are making no effort to lose some.

Your H as others have said is a prize prick

@Bluebelle82

JFC he'd be GONE.

I can't stay married to someone who is fat

'Great, off you pop!!'

imagine how he'd be if you ended up with an illness, or had an accident that left you disabled?

He doesn't love YOU, he loves how you make him look. Shallow as a fucking puddle!!

ditch 12 stone!!

Tell him you’re going to lose a solid 12 stone right now by divorcing the fuckwit! How dare he?! You’ve grown two people! And are hardly bloody morbidly obese! Get rid!

If those are the actual words that came out of him mouth, you tell him to fuck off and find someone else.

No way in hell could I stay with someone who had that little respect for me.

Yep.

That sort of comment doesn’t put you off? Because it would to me. I would find it really hard to be intimate with someone who sees me like this.

When you got married, did he have ‘@Bluebelle82 has to keep her weight down to xx stones’ or is it an added requirement to your vows?

He is an arsehole. I have been slim and very overweight and everything in between in my very long marriage and my dh has never, ever made a comment about it. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with someone so cruel. Ltb.

@Bluebelle82 how on earth did this conversation start? did he just take a look at you and declare he needed to know how you were going to lose weight? were you complaining about your trousers being too tight and needing to lose weight (i'm guilty of saying i need to lose weight all the time and then doing nothing about it!)? what did he say exactly? he certainly shouldn't be shaming you and making you feel like shit, but did you ask him for his opinion?

Your friend's story sounds like something out of a psychological thriller about coercive relationships. An agreement for both parties to try to stay fit and healthy might be OK, but demanding a specific size 10 and giving a 9 month deadline to lose pregnancy weight - that's crossing a line.

first reply hit the nail on the head!

DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

Well tell him you've thought about it and agree you need to lose the weight (you don't btw). And tell him you can't do it with all of the commitments you have, so that needs to change if this weight loss is going to work.

So your plan is to book a 3 week break at a health farm, so you can be fully committed to this amazing idea of his to have a 'plan' in place, and you're so happy he is committed to helping you. He'll have to take on all the childcare and house and everything obviously, but as its his idea he'll be more than willing.

Then you book yourself a 3 week break on a beach somewhere, preferably next to a margarita bar, and do what the hell you like.

On your return, you thank your DH for him bringing this to your attention, and the break you had has made you realise that you can't stay married to someone so shallow.

Its a joke obviously, although I'd try for the holiday. The bit that is realistic about all that though is that your DH is a shallow dick and I'm sorry he has made you feel so rubbish.

He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat.

Google divorce lawyers and send him the search results. Tell him you've already picked yours.

DH is now demanding that I give him a plan of how I am going to loose more weight because "he needs to know". He says he can't stay married to someone who is fat

Oh he 'needs' to know, does he? tell him that he needs (thanks to pp above for the description) to stop being such a shallow judgemental abusive asshole. If he can't manage that, not to let the door hit him on the arse on the way out.

Find some righteous anger, OP. Who the bloody hell does this man think he is, talking to you as if you're a servant he orders around?

I'm seething for you. I was married to someone like this - all about appearance and looking good - thankfully he's someone else's problem now.

You could lose a lot of weight by getting rid of the husband!

I’ll just comment on weight-loss as lots already commented on H.
Yes - kids in late 30s, and losing post babies tummy and mostly back to pre-kids is possible.
Takes lots of willpower and plowing through feeling hungry at the early days. And then actually changing how you eat and sticking to it.
Addiction to sugar is tough and really hard to shake.
But - the feeling of hunger does go away. Body eventually adjusts to different (healthier) food and lower quantities.

Back in the day - when I was in the early withdrawal from bigger portions and more carbs - I’d allow myself one square or dark chocolate in the evening when it got too difficult.

I’d have some carbs (toast) at breakfast and tried to be low carb (veggies+protein) doting the day. Small dinner.
NO eating off kids plates, no finishing little bits they left. Etc
It is hard. But for me it’s worth it as I like to see myself not giving in to the wobble.

Gosh what on earth is wrong with this guy! He sounds vain and unkind to me. What a thing to say, also you sound a healthy weight to me anyway.As others say to divorce him (then you could lose about 15 stone!) Its easier said than done of course .

I disagree entirely!

I feel that unless there is no expectation of a sex life from either side, what a person's partner looks like is their business too.

@Dacadactyl

Is it shite! I was a size 8 with a 26 inch waist when I when met my DH. He was was so ripped there wasn't an ounce of fat on him. 3 pregnancies, 2 kids, and 28 years later. I'm nearly twice the size I was then. He's a lot bigger too.

And you know what? It doesn't matter one bit. Our sex life is as great as it ever was. He still looks at me like I'm the sexiest woman on the planet. I think he IS the sexiest man on the planet.

We took vows, one of which said "In sickness and in health". If a person's love for their spouse rests on what they look like then the relationship is doomed from the start. And the person who thinks like that is a grade A arsehole!

This. My other half also weirdly looks like Alexander Skarsgård in the Northman, but he is lovely to me and makes me feel beautiful everyday. I have about 4 stone to lose. He has been gently supportive as I’m having health problems due to my weight but in a loving way and tells me I’m beautiful all the time. Not saying to float but that you can find a nice man, this one you have doesn’t deserve you. I found my current partner after divorce when I was 2 stone overweight and have put another 2 on since due to pandemic work stress but he sticks around. You are very slightly overweight after bearing his two kids!!