DH treating me like crap over DS' chipped tooth

[user01082312345]

I was giving my 2.5 year old son a bath yesterday evening, and he threw a little tantrum which resulted in him hitting his mouth off the side of the bath, and he chipped one of his front teeth. There was no bleeding or anything, and he doesn't seem to be in any pain, but I booked a dental appointment for him to get it looked at. I feel awful about what happened, but my husband is making me feel ten times worse, he's really angry and says that DS now looks like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber (and he isn't saying it in a jokey way). DH never bathes DS, feeds him, or changes him. I'm the one who does everything, including all the household chores and most of the cooking, as well as putting DS to bed and getting up when he wakes during night (he often wakes 1-3 times during night). DH uses the excuse he works night shift and he's the one who drives DS places (I don't own a car or drive), but he only works 3-4 times a week. I work from home full time while DS goes to nursery. This is the first time DS has ever injured himself, and the way my DH is acting, it's as if he fractured his skull or something. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not the shitty parent DH is making me out to be :( I have no family or friends here to turn to, and my in laws are currently away on vacation so I can't even go to them for a break.

Hope you're ok OP!

Good luck, Op. Keep posting here if it helps you.

DH stayed out all night, I'm guessing he slept at his parents' house (they're currently away on holiday until next week). DS was up multiple times during the night, and he woke at 5:00 this morning. I feel as though I barely slept. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the day 😓I told a few friends back home in the UK about what's going on, and they were saddened by it, but they're powerless to do anything being so far away. I'm not really speaking to my own parents right now, and my brother is too busy with work and his own family. I feel completely overwhelmed. I don't know what's going to happen.

You might be getting the silent treatment.

The reality is you might not be able to do much at this very moment in time. But by posting here and thinking about the truth of your life you are moving forward. It’s great that you’ve told your friends. You can’t untell them.

For now eat, drink and rest. Your mind will be tired.

I would caution confiding in your in laws. Keep your cards close to your chest.

There must be some DV services where you are, I would start by contacting them for advice. They’ll have most knowledge of local options. Women’s Aid have a ‘survivors handbook’ which is worth reading.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

I would also set aside a time to speak to a solicitor over the next couple of weeks, just to enquire about where you might stand.

Remember to delete your history.

Do keep posting and you can PM me too if it helps, as well as the poster further up the thread.

It’s clear from your H’s message that he hates women.

Try speaking to your brother - just to let him know what’s going on. He may be able to make more time than you realise. You need support locally, too. There is presumably a Canadian version of Women’s Aid - you can speak to them for support to help work out next steps. Find out about benefits and what support would be available if you left. Baby steps. You don’t have to make all your decisions now. Unless you are physically in danger you can take some time to plan. Do NOT tell your H your plans - abusers are at their most dangerous when they realise they’re losing control.

MOST IMPORTANT - your H knows about this thread (that’s why you shouldn’t have shown it to him but never mind that now). If he finds it again, he will recognise himself and be able to see the advice you’re getting. To keep safe, ask MN HQ to delete this thread. You can start another which is much more anonymous and keep getting support that way.

PS - MN may be able to hide the thread rather than delete it so you can still access it but others can’t see it. Then start a new thread which has no identifying details in it and you can continue to receive advice.

I only showed him screenshots of the thread. He doesn't know which app it is, and I honestly don't think he'll bother about it.

I got DS dressed and I'm giving him breakfast. I feel a little better, I've had a strong coffee and I'll try taking DS to the playground this morning to get some fresh air and a bit of exercise.

It's so much more peaceful here without walking on eggshells around DH.

It's so much more peaceful here without walking on eggshells around DH.

As a PP suggested upthread - no need to make huge decisions immediately, but starting to think & dream about freedom is a large part of your escape plan already under way. You've already taken the first steps by acknowledging the reality that he is abusing you, posting here, & telling friends.

Enjoy the peace without him, & start visualising how it would be to live that way permanently.

I'm sure he's deluded over the chipped tooth. He sent me this message last night:

Op, he is hideous.

Can you tell your in-laws? Would they help you?

Also, see the Canadian version of Women's Aid. they will be able to tell you what help is available.

You can get away from him. But be careful. If he thinks you're thinking about leaving, he might raise the stakes and get more abusive.

Call the police - ask what help they can give you too.

Good luck, op. 💐

Of course he wasn't there for him.
He never is, he doesn't do anything for him.

And call your brother. He will want to help. If you were my dd, I'd get on a plane and come to you straight away.

I was tiggling my youngest many years ago and she hit her mouth on a radiator next to us and chipped her front tooth. My ex h for all his faults, never blamed me. She got a fill at the dentist.

Where in Canada are you? It is a big country and people need to know local areas to help with services.

Oh for goodness’ sake, it was an accident. Tell him to talk to a dentist, such a common thing with little ones.

Well no, you weren’t there for him. You never are, frankly. You just snipe from the sidelines.

I’d phone the dentist beforehand, say my husband is a horrible person, I can’t afford to leave him, but I need you to know that if the dentist says this was my fault or that it’s really unusual for a 2yo to chip a tooth or it will cause ongoing problems that my husband will be awful to me about it. Do you think they could leave out anything like that and I can call after and get any facts left out? Obviously I feel terrible about it too, and I do need to know if it’s going to cause problems.

Ring the Canadian equivalent of women’s Aid and just have a conversation with them. You don’t have to know what you want to do or process how the future will look. Just take that first step. He is an abuser, and your rights to support and freedom may not be as black and white as you think.

You wouldn’t be expected to fend for yourself and your child if you can’t make ends meet, he would be expected to contribute and there may be some benefits/social housing or other schemes that mean this isn’t the rest of your life. My kids have all chipped teeth at some point - but I never personally have, one of them it was an adult tooth and they’ve just had the chip bonded. It doesn’t mean anything.

I mean this with kindness; staying in an abusive relationship will do more damage to your child than any chipped tooth could ever do. I say this from experience. I got out fairly quickly and got my head above water quickly, but my kids all still need mental health support because of their nasty dad. He is abusive and you need and deserve help.

A few provincial links
https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Wow, shocking! Absolutely shocking!.

It was bad luck, nothing more.

If your kiddo has swung his head in a different direction it probably wouldn't have happened.

It's a baby tooth so that's super handy, in a few years it will fall out and you'll barely remember it was chipped.

My kids were using an old handrail that we took out of the bathroom as part of a zip line, they tied a rope across our monkey bars and I thought they used great imagination and initiative.... until my son slipped backwards and smacked the handrail into his face... one split lip and a permanently grey baby tooth later.... I still let them use the zip line.

Amen sister
Take this as a warning sign

Get rid of this awful waste of space

Baby teeth chip and crack much more easily than adult teeth. One of my twins has a chip in her front tooth for exactly the same reason when I was bathing her. Husband is being horrid.

His messages are beyond belief. I've never experienced anyone speak to me like that before, never mind my partner. Fuck that shit, you deserve so much better. Please get help wherever you can. What a nasty prick he is.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would not count on the inlaws; they'd likely back their abusive son out of misguided and misplaced loyalty.

Which CA province are you in?. There is domestic violence help and resources out there but you need to be brave and take that first step out, often the most hardest of steps, by yourself.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?. Your son cannot afford to grow up in such a toxic abusive environment. Your relationship with your H is over any way because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your son.

Find family violence resources and services in your area - Canada.ca is a relevant link I've put up for you.

Wow that escalated pretty quickly 😱