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Original poster

Husband picking at me for being boring. Feels teenage.

117 replies

aggycaggy · 24/03/2023 11:14

My husband has commented a few times about how I've stopped drinking and he misses drinking with me. After 2 years of back to back pregnancies when I wasn't pregnant anymore I realised I didn't miss it, I've found alcohol free gin and tonics to be just as nice and none of the ill effects, I like fruity 0% ciders in the summer, know how to make nice mocktails etc I just don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't see why it makes any difference to him if we're sat having a drink and a chat and he has a real G&T and I have an alcohol free one. They are in the same glasses, you make them the same, I am still the same person. It's annoying me how it's like I'm less cool in his eyes for not wanting alcohol and I don't want to feel pressured into drinking, we aren't teenagers

He also compared it to how I no longer eat meat, again I bought a couple of meat substitutes every now and then to start with but then actually realised some of them are just as nice and meat and I'm doing my bit for animals/the environment so I feel better about it and again don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't go on about it or force it on him.

He then started saying about how I used to like cool music and now I listen to 'chart shit'. I was singing along to a song on the radio.. I still like the same music I liked when we met but yes I do like some chart music, not every song in the charts is rubbish and to me it's quite immature to judge people for liking anything in the charts, it seems like he's insinuating he's better because he doesn't, too cool for the charts type of thing..

It just feels really teenage and weird. He isn't some cool guy I'm trying to impress. We're married and have kids and if I can't make my own decisions and be myself as I age as opposed to staying the exact same as I was when we met then what are we even doing?

OP posts:
Redebs · 24/03/2023 11:18

He needs to grow up, seriously 😒
Sympathies OP

ArcticSkewer · 24/03/2023 11:23

Is he trying to tell you that you are growing apart and he feels he has less in common with you? Or just being a bit of a dick about a few minor things? Sometimes people try to explain things using really stupid examples.

Fidgety31 · 24/03/2023 11:23

Sounds like he is comparing you to someone else .

NotJohnWick · 24/03/2023 11:23

Serves you right, you must have got together with him when he was a child seeing as you've married him and had two children and he's only 14.

SnarkyBag · 24/03/2023 11:27

Sounds like insecurity to me. He doesn’t like the fact that you’ve grown and changed and are comfortable in your own skin. Why does he care about these things? They don’t affect him. He’s being pathetic

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 11:37

You're right it's teenage - it's the same negging bullshit that immature men use when they reckon they are Pick Up Artists.

What do you think of HIM right now?
Does he make you happy, pull his weight domestically, look after his kids properly?
Or is it nothing but whinging & undermining you?

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:44

I can see his side. I enjoy a few drinks with my partner, it's relaxing and can be really fun. If he suddenly stopped wanting to have a few drinks then it would effect our nights out tbh, and I would feel a bit put out. The meat thing is a non issue. Liking chart music is a bit dire! 😂

NotJohnWick · 24/03/2023 11:45

Liking chart music is a bit dire!

Seriously, grow up.

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:47

NotJohnWick · 24/03/2023 11:45

Liking chart music is a bit dire!

Seriously, grow up.

Lol. I'm only pissing about.

Mabelface · 24/03/2023 11:48

He wants you to drink and eat meat as it validates him doing it. You've grown up, he hasn't.

Original poster
aggycaggy · 24/03/2023 11:49

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:44

I can see his side. I enjoy a few drinks with my partner, it's relaxing and can be really fun. If he suddenly stopped wanting to have a few drinks then it would effect our nights out tbh, and I would feel a bit put out. The meat thing is a non issue. Liking chart music is a bit dire! 😂

Why would it put you out if you went out and his drink was non alcoholic? You don't have to taste it, he's still out, he's still spending time with you, he's still having a drink with you. It doesn't need to contain alcohol. It's just such a strange thing to be put out about. Unless he is totally boring and bad company until you put alcohol in him, and in that case you have bigger problems.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:57

Because when we both go out to have a drink somewhere it is relaxing, we both chill out, have a laugh and enjoy the feeling that having a couple of drinks gives you. It's a why of unwinding after a busy week. If one of us suddenly decides we no longer wanted to drink then it would change the dynamics. The evening out would most probably be shorter, the one drinking will probably feel awkward and as if they are keeping the other up. It just changes everything imo. Maybe you don't see it that way but for me if my partner suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to drink then I think our nights out would not be the same. Its great you don't see it that way but I know my partner would feel as I do. We get along great without the drinking but we do have a really great time when we have a few drinks. It's just part of our lifestyle. I doubt many mumsnetters will agree with me as it's very conservative regarding drinking (unless it's wine sat at home an a Friday night).

billy1966 · 24/03/2023 12:07

He sounds controlling, a bully and you need to push back hard.

He doesn't get to decide these things.

As we have aged, my husband drinks less than I do and sometimes I have a glass of wine on my own😱, my choice, my business.

Just like it would never occur to me to comment on his choice, he knows better than to comment on MY choices🤨😁.

Tell him to get over himself or you won't be long getting the Ick!

I enjoy % alcohol beers too.

Am meaning to try gin, but I like a plain iced tonic water so haven't tried it yet.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 24/03/2023 12:13

He's either got an issue with drinking himself or he's justifying looking elsewhere.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 12:15

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:57

Because when we both go out to have a drink somewhere it is relaxing, we both chill out, have a laugh and enjoy the feeling that having a couple of drinks gives you. It's a why of unwinding after a busy week. If one of us suddenly decides we no longer wanted to drink then it would change the dynamics. The evening out would most probably be shorter, the one drinking will probably feel awkward and as if they are keeping the other up. It just changes everything imo. Maybe you don't see it that way but for me if my partner suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to drink then I think our nights out would not be the same. Its great you don't see it that way but I know my partner would feel as I do. We get along great without the drinking but we do have a really great time when we have a few drinks. It's just part of our lifestyle. I doubt many mumsnetters will agree with me as it's very conservative regarding drinking (unless it's wine sat at home an a Friday night).

So you need your partner to enable your drinking, just like OP's H.

I'm not conservative about drinking in the least, but your reasons are bullshit, because you are using them to minimise your co-dependence.

Trollsinmyeggbox · 24/03/2023 12:17

My ex-husband used to call me boring too. I divorced him and now he does exactly the same things he used to do when we were together - work a dull job, not go places and drink too much - while I've got rid of the man sized ankle weight and am dong very much the opposite.

You've either grown apart, he's projecting or he's just a dick. Pick one or all three 😬

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 12:21

If you say so. We are obviously co dependent on each other. We met when we both liked going out to bars, we still both enjoy going out to bars. It's part of our life. We go travelling alot and visit bars for food and drinks. If one of us was to suddenly stop it would be a bit strange. We're both obviously raging alcoholics. I need to take a long hard look at my life.

Comefromaway · 24/03/2023 12:21

It's not even teenage, it's just him being an arsehole as my teenage son doesn't drink and his friends don't make an issue of it even though one of them is a big drinker. You don't have to drink to have fun.

And some chart music is shit but a lot of it isn't.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 12:23

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 12:21

If you say so. We are obviously co dependent on each other. We met when we both liked going out to bars, we still both enjoy going out to bars. It's part of our life. We go travelling alot and visit bars for food and drinks. If one of us was to suddenly stop it would be a bit strange. We're both obviously raging alcoholics. I need to take a long hard look at my life.

It's not about how much you drink.
It's about needing another person to validate your drinking.

It's about feeling that you'd find it hard to cope if the other person chose not to drink.

CovertImage · 24/03/2023 12:27

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:57

Because when we both go out to have a drink somewhere it is relaxing, we both chill out, have a laugh and enjoy the feeling that having a couple of drinks gives you. It's a why of unwinding after a busy week. If one of us suddenly decides we no longer wanted to drink then it would change the dynamics. The evening out would most probably be shorter, the one drinking will probably feel awkward and as if they are keeping the other up. It just changes everything imo. Maybe you don't see it that way but for me if my partner suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to drink then I think our nights out would not be the same. Its great you don't see it that way but I know my partner would feel as I do. We get along great without the drinking but we do have a really great time when we have a few drinks. It's just part of our lifestyle. I doubt many mumsnetters will agree with me as it's very conservative regarding drinking (unless it's wine sat at home an a Friday night).

Totally agree despite what you've been called further up the thread!

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 12:33

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 12:23

It's not about how much you drink.
It's about needing another person to validate your drinking.

It's about feeling that you'd find it hard to cope if the other person chose not to drink.

Show quote history

I wouldn't find it 'hard to cope' as such. It would just make things different. We wouldn't have the same life we lead now. In the past some of our funniest times have been in bars half way across the world, in the strangest of places. It's what we do together. Find good beer and food places on our travels. Maybe you're right, if he told me tomorrow that he no longer wanted to drink I would be questioning things because it would be so unusual, after 20 years together I'd be very surprised by the change and I guess I'd miss it. Its just what we do. What we've always done.

twoshedsjackson · 24/03/2023 13:13

When I stopped drinking alcohol, most of my friends didn't turn a hair; I wasn't bothered about whether they continued or not, and I was just as up for socializing as I ever was, never a hint of "holier than thou" (and happy to be the designated driver!)
However, a couple of people saw it as an implied criticism; probably beginning to suspect that they were overdoing it a bit, but preferred not to admit it to themselves.
You are nudging him towards some introspection he doesn't want to have.
Similarly, you are not forcing a vegetarian diet on him; what's the problem?
Is he subconsciously worried that you are outgrowing him, as he clings to his teenage mindset?
Instead of chart music, why not quietly hum "The Oldest Swinger in Town"

Grumpybutfunny · 24/03/2023 13:14

He's a manchild trying to cling to his youth OP.

perfectcolourfound · 24/03/2023 13:19

He's being totally unreasonable and really childish.

You're not trying to coerce him in to NOT frinking, and he shouldn't try to coerce you in to drinking. It's just 2 different viewpoints - yours happens to be the healthier one, but still.

People who 'need' alcohol in order to have fun.... erm....

mybeautifuloak · 24/03/2023 16:09

Either he's comparing you to someone else he has turned his head or HE feels HE and his life is boring and he is projecting it on to you.