Husband picking at me for being boring. Feels teenage.

[aggycaggy]

My husband has commented a few times about how I've stopped drinking and he misses drinking with me. After 2 years of back to back pregnancies when I wasn't pregnant anymore I realised I didn't miss it, I've found alcohol free gin and tonics to be just as nice and none of the ill effects, I like fruity 0% ciders in the summer, know how to make nice mocktails etc I just don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't see why it makes any difference to him if we're sat having a drink and a chat and he has a real G&T and I have an alcohol free one. They are in the same glasses, you make them the same, I am still the same person. It's annoying me how it's like I'm less cool in his eyes for not wanting alcohol and I don't want to feel pressured into drinking, we aren't teenagers

He also compared it to how I no longer eat meat, again I bought a couple of meat substitutes every now and then to start with but then actually realised some of them are just as nice and meat and I'm doing my bit for animals/the environment so I feel better about it and again don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't go on about it or force it on him.

He then started saying about how I used to like cool music and now I listen to 'chart shit'. I was singing along to a song on the radio.. I still like the same music I liked when we met but yes I do like some chart music, not every song in the charts is rubbish and to me it's quite immature to judge people for liking anything in the charts, it seems like he's insinuating he's better because he doesn't, too cool for the charts type of thing..

It just feels really teenage and weird. He isn't some cool guy I'm trying to impress. We're married and have kids and if I can't make my own decisions and be myself as I age as opposed to staying the exact same as I was when we met then what are we even doing?

@BusterGonad In the past some of our funniest times have been in bars half way across the world, in the strangest of places. It's what we do together. Find good beer and food places on our travels.
Nothing you have described here can't be done with non alcoholic drinks. Nice bar, great food, non alcoholic beer.
Unless you forgot to mention getting half cut every time being part of the requirement to have fun, you have just described very normal social interactions. None of which requires alcohol.

This for me too

Obviously your choice, but if my DH stopped drinking it would change our dynamics and the way we wind down/socialise etc and if I stopped drinking he would hate it too

Regardless if it looks the same same glass etc it's not quite the same

Well he sounds like a bit of a prick but I don't know how I would feel if my dh gave up meat and alcohol completely. Like a pp we have a couple of drinks to chill at the weekend, it's 'our' thing and feels separate to the stuff we do with the dc, if that makes sense. Dh and I are both big meat eaters, i would find it weird if he went veggie but I wouldn't mind as long as he wasn't preachy about it. I think some vegetarians can be a bit holier than thou perhaps without realising it. You say about meat substitutes some of them are just as nice as meat and I am doing my bit for animals/the environment, I find that quite judgey actually, so perhaps your dh does too. Or perhaps he is just an immature prick.

You say about meat substitutes some of them are just as nice as meat and I am doing my bit for animals/the environment, I find that quite judgey actually

How is that in the least judgey? It's fact.
Easier to call a veggie judgey than own our culpability in the meat production cycle though. And I speak as a meat-eater.

I think op saying that meat substitutes are as good as meat implies that no one should ever eat meat, if its not necessary for taste then people must eat it simply because they dont care about animals/the environment as the op does. I think that is judgey, and also patently untrue as most meat substitutes are pretty awful in my opinion.

I think you’re completely over thinking the OP’s comments about meat substitutes. Although I agree meat substitutes are rank!

No it doesn't. She was saying that SHE finds substitutes as good as meat, for herself. Go & re-read her first post: I don't go on about it or force it on him.

If you feel guilty about what animals suffer because we choose to eat meat - stop eating meat, instead of blaming people who have already done so.

I do understand. My partner doesn't drink and I do. I don't eat meat and he does. Sometimes it's nice to share. If I have opened a fabulous wine, I want to enjoy it with him and get his opinion. I also can't drink a whole bottle myself 😉
If he wants to cook a complicated meat dish then I'm not going to be enjoying it with him. Therefore, he doesn't usually bother.
It is not simply the case of one of us being childish or lusting after a fellow carnivore/alcohol drinker - it is about wanting to share and talk about the nice things we personally enjoy and treat ourselves too - I love him and like to hear his opinion - and sometimes doing without because it is just too expensive to do it for one.
The solution is to make sure you have lots of other things you enjoy together so that those things don't matter so much and to make sure that deep down neither of you is being sanctimonious.

I'm with @BusterGonad

I had a teetotal exdh. I'm not a heavy drinker but I like having a few drinks now and again and it was boring drinking by myself. You're on different levels.

It's okay to enjoy alcohol. It doesn't make you an alcoholic.

Are you quite uptight OP? I don't mean that horribly but sometimes if you have been dumped with all the responsibility of the dc it can make you uptight and worried as everything is on you so you can't relax and have fun!

It doesn't sound like your DH phrased his comments in a caring way, and it's reasonable that you have taken offence.

On the other hand, a lot of people do worry about their lives losing all sense of excitement and fun as they get older. It doesn't mean he wants to be 21 forever, but he may also be anxious about a slippery slope that leads to watching Antiques Roadshow and wearing elasticated trousers. Part of growing old together is about putting in that effort to keep a bit exciting for each other. What you're doing isn't a crime, but it points in a direction of totally winding down, and he may be anxious about this.

Having a glass of red wine and a steak, letting your hair down a bit, and remaining discerning in your tastes - enjoying the finer things of life - isn't a crime.

Perhaps you need to tell him not to speak down to you, but also acknowledge that he wants you to remain vivacious and exciting and spontaneous.

Totally with @BusterGonad on this.

it’s nothing to do with co dependence and/or validation.

there something really enjoyable about having a few drinks with someone on the same level, getting a bit giddy, or over talkative and then having a no holds barred tipsy shag!

Drinking with someone who isn't drinking is different. If that's what you've enjoyed doing together , it is going to feel like a significant change.

However, coupled with the other things, I agree with PP that he's comparing you to someone else and justifying his thoughts by the "fact" that you've changed.

I agree with everything you said. I’d also be amazed re the non alcoholic gin as any I have tried taste nothing like gin! I also concur it’s really not about the alcohol, sounds to me like he is having trouble with you being a ‘mummy’. Some women do really change when they have kids and sorry some of them are q dull as a result, not because they don’t drink or drink less, but because they lose or change their whole identity or they can only talk about their children.

My ex used to say the same thing, as I was never a great lover of alcohol. He ended up having an affair, so just be wary OP.

Are you quite uptight OP? I don't mean that horribly but sometimes if you have been dumped with all the responsibility of the dc it can make you uptight and worried as everything is on you so you can't relax and have fun!

I feel like this would be the equivalent of asking those that do like to drink if they can't have a good time unless they drink.

Someone isn't uptight just because they no longer feel like drinking/their interests change. Nothing wrong with people having the occasional drink but there are other ways to relax/have a good time...surely both sides can find ways to have a good time together that they are both happy with. One side can't and shouldn't force/badger the other into something they don't want to do.

It is not the same going for a night out with someone who isn't drinking. When you are both having a drink you get a bit silly, reminisce, remember who you were before kids, flirt. No, I don't have a problem with alcohol, I have barely drunk anything in the past few years as I have 2 little children who don't like to sleep so it isn't worth it at the moment as I am always been called up the stairs. Plus no babysitter so we go out with friends separately at the moment. But I look forward to when I can go out with DH again, get a bit pissed and have a laugh.

Absolute bullshit that going out with someone who doesn't drink isn't the same, as long as the people you're with are good company it makes no odds. My best friend is a type 1 diabetic and doesn't drink because it affects her badly so she prefers to avoid and she is so much fun on a night out. My sister in law is teetotal and she's one of the wildest people I know on a night out, you can't keep her off the dance floor despite being sober. You don't need alcohol to have fun.

No one has said you do.

I've been sober 3.5 years. DH still likes a drink.

I asked him a long time ago if he missed the times when we had fun drinking together and he said no. He said we still laugh as much, have as much fun, do the same things - sans alcohol for me, and so nothing has changed for him in that sense. Plus he now has a better version of me.

Your DH is a dick.

The amount of people romanticising alcohol on this thread is staggering and scary.

You need to have your partner drink alcohol with you to have 'those moments'? Sad.

I'm not saying he's right but when my dh drinks he lets his hair down a bit, gets a bit soppy, might have a dance. If he stopped drinking going to the pub would be less fun and I would miss it, but meals out, nights in, activities etc prob wouldn't bother me.

But he has no right to try and make you feel less of a person for your life choices. I'd be telling him to pack it in or do one.

It's not romanticism to enjoy alcohol on dates with your partner or friends. If alcohol wasn't enjoyable it wouldn't sell fgs.

When I used to drink, it would definitely have bothered me if my partner had stopped drinking. It made me feel better about my drinking if I was with others who drank too.

I had a problem with alcohol.

I am obviously not trying to say that I can know for sure that everybody on here who says they wouldn't want their partner to go sober has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - how could I possibly know that? Maybe some of you only drink occasionally and in sensible moderation.

It IS a known indicator though - people with a drink problem like to surround themselves with others with the same problem, and can get uncomfortable around people whose relationship with drink is different/non-existent.

So if you really can't imagine being happy with a partner who didn't drink, it may be worth having a serious think about why. Why is alcohol, and others' consumption of it, so important to you? Being honest with yourself can be scary, but it's important - it might even add years to your life!

Oh, and I am funner now than I was when I drank. I realise I don't sound it here, but I genuinely am! As is everybody I know who has stopped drinking. Less repetitive and boring - more interesting to talk to. In my opinion.

What hobbies and interests do you and DH share OP? What would a romantic evening look like for you, and for him? That's the bigger conversation rather than whether you drink/eat meat/listen to chart music. Some people aren't good at articulating their feelings well, and so he might be feeling like you've grown apart (because you have nothing in common anymore, as an example) and using these basic excuses to rationalise it.

A lifetime, 40-50-60 years together requires some shared moments/interests that help you bond. Otherwise you just become flatmates, and once the kids are older, people realise they are now completely different people. Maybe for him, it's enjoying sharing a bottle of lovely red wine and steak with his wife. For others it might be doing a cross word together, or hiking up a mountain, or going to gigs. So have a think about what moments/interests/hobbies you would like to share with him and work on building that into your routine. For your sake as well - it won't be good for you to focus all time and attention on DC/work/house.

As an aside - there's nothing wrong with enjoying drink and meat - cooking is a big part of mine and DP's life, as is wine tasting/craft beer tasting/finding new wines/breweries - discussing the notes, travelling to wine countries etc. But we also hike a lot together where we aren't drinking at all, so it isn't a dependency thing - it's an enjoyment of sensations/experiences thing. Just think about what you enjoy most and how you can get DP involved in it, and what activities he enjoys that you can do.

Most people become slightly different when they drink. The OP enjoys time with her partner when they are both slightly different when they’ve had a drink. It does not mean the OP needs her partner to ‘validate her drinking’. Neither does it mean they don’t enjoy each other’s company when sober.