Husband picking at me for being boring. Feels teenage.

[aggycaggy]

My husband has commented a few times about how I've stopped drinking and he misses drinking with me. After 2 years of back to back pregnancies when I wasn't pregnant anymore I realised I didn't miss it, I've found alcohol free gin and tonics to be just as nice and none of the ill effects, I like fruity 0% ciders in the summer, know how to make nice mocktails etc I just don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't see why it makes any difference to him if we're sat having a drink and a chat and he has a real G&T and I have an alcohol free one. They are in the same glasses, you make them the same, I am still the same person. It's annoying me how it's like I'm less cool in his eyes for not wanting alcohol and I don't want to feel pressured into drinking, we aren't teenagers

He also compared it to how I no longer eat meat, again I bought a couple of meat substitutes every now and then to start with but then actually realised some of them are just as nice and meat and I'm doing my bit for animals/the environment so I feel better about it and again don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't go on about it or force it on him.

He then started saying about how I used to like cool music and now I listen to 'chart shit'. I was singing along to a song on the radio.. I still like the same music I liked when we met but yes I do like some chart music, not every song in the charts is rubbish and to me it's quite immature to judge people for liking anything in the charts, it seems like he's insinuating he's better because he doesn't, too cool for the charts type of thing..

It just feels really teenage and weird. He isn't some cool guy I'm trying to impress. We're married and have kids and if I can't make my own decisions and be myself as I age as opposed to staying the exact same as I was when we met then what are we even doing?

Surely you realise there are lots of contributing factors to a night out, if a restaurant is "just" about the food you may as well eat at home.

And I think OP's DP is happy to drink at home, he'd just like someone to do it with, which is the person OP was until recently.

What an ironic post.

@aggycaggy you might find more support here:

other thread with completely different responses

I'm pleased it works for you, I certainly wouldn't want to be the only drinker and I also wouldn't want to be the sober one as I would be tired by 10pm and be wanting to go to bed. If its a night out with others/friends etc then I wouldn't mind too much but we usually go out just us, drinking and chatting so for that I prefer we either both drink or neither of us drinks. I've been the DES plenty of times, dropping off and picking up late at night, staying on the orange juice at weddings, birthdays etc but now my son is older and I'm obviously older I no longer want to be the taxi. I want to sit back and enjoy a few drinks.

OK - well dh and I are different people so sometimes we fancy a drink and sometimes we don't, and sometimes those things don't coincide. I'm more than happy to have a few glasses of red wine watching a movie while dh has a cup of tea or a glass of water. It has never occurred to me that was unusual in any way. I'd feel like a pusher sitting there in a grump because he didn't fancy a drink that evening.

That is an interesting thread, and he sounds like a dick. Some people are just not compatible.

I agree with @BusterGonad and some others on the thread, but maybe from a different angle. I also think some of the sanctimonious 'you must have a problem with alcohol' generalisations are quite unfair.

Me and my partner have both done qualifications in wine and spirits in our free time. We're interested in wines, gins, crafts beers, and my partner would like to start brewing beers as a hobby as he approaches retirement. We travel to regions and restaurants specifically to have their menus and wine pairings. It's fairly obvious that if one of us went sober or vegan, one of our main hobbies would fall by the wayside. And I would certainly feel somewhat disappointed if that wasn't something we could share. Also yes, we both enjoy having a few glasses of wine together.

Also as a side note both of us have high-level jobs in high-pressure environments and rarely drink on work nights, which are most nights. So I think calling a drinking problem on us would be ridiculous.

I realise this may not be OPs exact situation but the conversation here seems to have gone more general!

"Never criticise your wife's taste. After all... look who she married!"

That isn't unusual at all and not what I saying. I'm talking about going out every couple of weeks and enjoying a night out having drinks together and eating. It's what we do. So if my husband was to suddenly say he was giving up the booze I'd be a bit surprised. We sometimes have a drink in the evening and I can give or take it tbh but going out on a Friday or Saturday night to a nice cosy bar and enjoying a few beers is what we enjoy doing. Obviously if one of us was to give up alcohol we'd still go out but it wouldn't be quite the same. Rightly or wrongly that's how I feel. I obviously wouldn't bully my partner, make him feel bad, say he's selfish because I love him and I'm an adult. It still doesn't change the fact that it would be different.

the op is talking about drinking at home. I mean, I still couldn't give a monkeys if dh and I went out and dh sat and watched me drink a few cocktails while remaining stone cold sober as he's funny and good company anyway, but that isn't what the OP said.

I would say people like this view their partners as posessions. Like if you buy a new tv with all these cool features. 3d, surround sound, whatever.. and were those things to change all of a sudden or dissappear, you'd be annoyed. Cause its not what you ordered.
So, he thought he had this wife with these features (drinks, listens to cool music etc) and now hes just left with the wife.. No features..

Yes but it's moved on and become a bit of general discussion about drinking and not drinking.

You are absolutely entitled to make whatever changes you like and to eat and drink whhatever you like but he is also entitled to feel the loss of those shared pleasures.

Totally agree, but it sounds like OP's husband can't seem to express missing these things and then being able to accept DP's changes and just move on. If it's that big a deal to him they are probably no longer compatible. It sounds like he's picking at everything. I mean really...surely her taste in music has no bearing on anything so it sounds like he's having a problem in general that he can't move past 🤷‍♀️ It's not healthy to the relationship if he is always going on about what he misses. It would feel like being indirectly pressured to change.

It’s a bit different though because it’s not their hobby. Any shared hobby would be affected if one person pulled away from it, whether it was good/wine or stamp collecting.

Food/wine

I did the BBR beginners wine course and we holidayed near Beaune! And undoubtedly will holiday there again.

My DH still doesn't strop at me. Because he’s normal. Most ex drinkers have been drinkers. And we’re not all tortured white knuckling “I wish I were drinking not driving” people either!

Some of us have tried both and we know which is more fun for us.

If my DH got moody with me for having a mocktail instead of a cocktail, even though we are out enjoying ourselves together, then that would say more about him and his own approach to alcohol than about me. But he’s dreamy so he doesn’t. The OP’s husband is a dick.

It may be that he's thinking you're both drifting apart and/or don't have much in common anymore and maybe it worries him