Page 3 | Husband picking at me for being boring. Feels teenage.

aggycaggy · 2023-03-24T11:14:41+00:00

My husband has commented a few times about how I've stopped drinking and he misses drinking with me. After 2 years of back to back pregnancies when I wasn't pregnant anymore I realised I didn't miss it, I've found alcohol free gin and tonics to be just as nice and none of the ill effects, I like fruity 0% ciders in the summer, know how to make nice mocktails etc I just don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't see why it makes any difference to him if we're sat having a drink and a chat and he has a real G&T and I have an alcohol free one. They are in the same glasses, you make them the same, I am still the same person. It's annoying me how it's like I'm less cool in his eyes for not wanting alcohol and I don't want to feel pressured into drinking, we aren't teenagers He also compared it to how I no longer eat meat, again I bought a couple of meat substitutes every now and then to start with but then actually realised some of them are just as nice and meat and I'm doing my bit for animals/the environment so I feel better about it and again don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't go on about it or force it on him. He then started saying about how I used to like cool music and now I listen to 'chart shit'. I was singing along to a song on the radio.. I still like the same music I liked when we met but yes I do like some chart music, not every song in the charts is rubbish and to me it's quite immature to judge people for liking anything in the charts, it seems like he's insinuating he's better because he doesn't, too cool for the charts type of thing.. It just feels really teenage and weird. He isn't some cool guy I'm trying to impress. We're married and have kids and if I can't make my own decisions and be myself as I age as opposed to staying the exact same as I was when we met then what are we even doing?

MyriadOfTravels · 24/03/2023 19:36

He is stuck in the year 2000 when it wasn’t even conceivable to go out Wo drinking alcohol. And the general assumption was that you couldn’t relax and have fun unless you were drinking/were drunk.

Thankfully we’ve move in from that!

MyriadOfTravels · 24/03/2023 19:38

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/03/2023 19:21

Most people become slightly different when they drink. The OP enjoys time with her partner when they are both slightly different when they’ve had a drink. It does not mean the OP needs her partner to ‘validate her drinking’. Neither does it mean they don’t enjoy each other’s company when sober.

Show quote history

If you need the other person to be ‘slightly different’ then you have a problem.

If you need alcohol to behave slightly differently and be relaxed/more fun, then you have a problem.

changedusername190 · 24/03/2023 20:13

I found parenting three under fives cured me of drinking alcohol.I don't think I was boring just aware that I would be getting up at least once a night and that I didn't have the chance to sleep it off when my day would start between half five and six.

Multiblue · 24/03/2023 20:21

I have friends who drink and friends who don't. Both great but we do very different things together and if I'm honest laugh a lot less with the non drinkers. They have other qualities but an evening with them is different, not better or worse but definitely different.

If for a large part of your relationship Friday evening has been about a slightly tipsy giggle togethet, its not surprising he misses it. OP is entitled to change if she wants to but he's also entitled to miss the old person who is almost certainly different, despite all the assertions here that that isn't the case.

Multiblue · 24/03/2023 20:22

changedusername190 · 24/03/2023 20:13

I found parenting three under fives cured me of drinking alcohol.I don't think I was boring just aware that I would be getting up at least once a night and that I didn't have the chance to sleep it off when my day would start between half five and six.

I'm not talking about hangover levels of drinking, just a glass or two over dinner to losen everything up.

Champooforyou · 24/03/2023 21:18

I've stopped drinking. I know my DH misses having a drink and a giggle, but having a glass of wine just makes me tired, and any more gives me a hangover. It's just not worth it with children who don't reliably sleep and are up early.

I don't feel the need to have alcohol to relax / unwind, and I'm definitely not going to drink just to make someone else happy, because I'm not 15.

Champooforyou · 24/03/2023 21:18

I've stopped drinking. I know my DH misses having a drink and a giggle, but having a glass of wine just makes me tired, and any more gives me a hangover. It's just not worth it with children who don't reliably sleep and are up early.

I don't feel the need to have alcohol to relax / unwind, and I'm definitely not going to drink just to make someone else happy, because I'm not 15.

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 02:31

theemmadilemma · 24/03/2023 18:58

The amount of people romanticising alcohol on this thread is staggering and scary.

You need to have your partner drink alcohol with you to have 'those moments'? Sad.

Get over it. You sound like a sanctimonious bore. Sad.

QueenCamilla · 25/03/2023 02:55

I only have drinks one or two times a month but I'd miss not sharing it with my other half. Restrictive diets would be no-fun too.
I'd most likely go out to have a drink with mates once the fancy takes.

And it's not a sign of problem with alcohol, wanting to drink socially. That's the only enjoyable way of having a glass.

Phoebo · 25/03/2023 02:58

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:57

Because when we both go out to have a drink somewhere it is relaxing, we both chill out, have a laugh and enjoy the feeling that having a couple of drinks gives you. It's a why of unwinding after a busy week. If one of us suddenly decides we no longer wanted to drink then it would change the dynamics. The evening out would most probably be shorter, the one drinking will probably feel awkward and as if they are keeping the other up. It just changes everything imo. Maybe you don't see it that way but for me if my partner suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to drink then I think our nights out would not be the same. Its great you don't see it that way but I know my partner would feel as I do. We get along great without the drinking but we do have a really great time when we have a few drinks. It's just part of our lifestyle. I doubt many mumsnetters will agree with me as it's very conservative regarding drinking (unless it's wine sat at home an a Friday night).

I know what you mean. I have some friends that have stopped drinking, I still love their company but it's different

wandawaves · 25/03/2023 03:10

I was once criticised the same way OP... apparently I'd "changed from when we first met". Ermmm... considering we were 18yo, single and childless when we first met, I told him if he hadn't changed since then, that's pretty bloody concerning!
He's now my ex. 😁

Shoxfordian · 25/03/2023 07:23

It sounds like you’ve changed and he hasn’t op; it might be that you’re not really compatible anymore.

I love sharing a bottle of wine with my dh and having a few laughs; it is different if one person decides not to drink - changes the dynamic. There’s nothing wrong with liking a few drinks, doesn’t make you co-dependent or mean you have a problem like some of these posts think.

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:28

BusterGonad · 24/03/2023 11:57

Because when we both go out to have a drink somewhere it is relaxing, we both chill out, have a laugh and enjoy the feeling that having a couple of drinks gives you. It's a why of unwinding after a busy week. If one of us suddenly decides we no longer wanted to drink then it would change the dynamics. The evening out would most probably be shorter, the one drinking will probably feel awkward and as if they are keeping the other up. It just changes everything imo. Maybe you don't see it that way but for me if my partner suddenly decided that he no longer wanted to drink then I think our nights out would not be the same. Its great you don't see it that way but I know my partner would feel as I do. We get along great without the drinking but we do have a really great time when we have a few drinks. It's just part of our lifestyle. I doubt many mumsnetters will agree with me as it's very conservative regarding drinking (unless it's wine sat at home an a Friday night).

Try living somewhere with no public transport. We went to a friend's party last week and I drove. This is the reality for a lot of people not in cities. So I didn't drink and it was fine and my dh couldn't have cared less - we still had a really good time. So it works for you, but it's very odd the way alcohol gets its claws into everyone.

@aggycaggy he's being way immature!

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:30

Shoxfordian · 25/03/2023 07:23

It sounds like you’ve changed and he hasn’t op; it might be that you’re not really compatible anymore.

I love sharing a bottle of wine with my dh and having a few laughs; it is different if one person decides not to drink - changes the dynamic. There’s nothing wrong with liking a few drinks, doesn’t make you co-dependent or mean you have a problem like some of these posts think.

I enjoy that too. But sometimes he'll have a beer and I won't drink, or I'll have a glass of wine and he'll have a cup of tea. We are both mature adults who do what we want, when we want to.

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:32

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 02:31

Get over it. You sound like a sanctimonious bore. Sad.

Show quote history

Yeah, that's what someone with a drinking problem would say. There's no reason for anyone who doesn't actually have a problem with drinking to be so aggressive to someone who doesn't have to drink to enjoy themselves.

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 07:36

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:28

Try living somewhere with no public transport. We went to a friend's party last week and I drove. This is the reality for a lot of people not in cities. So I didn't drink and it was fine and my dh couldn't have cared less - we still had a really good time. So it works for you, but it's very odd the way alcohol gets its claws into everyone.

@aggycaggy he's being way immature!

Show quote history

I lived in a village with no bus service or taxis. So yes one of us drove if we were going out further afield. But I'm talking about someone suddenly changing who they are, what they enjoy. I'm obviously not talking about practicalities, I'm talking about if my husband was to suddenly say he was no longer drinking things would change, just like if he said he no longer enjoyed watching films, or going for coffees or declaring that he was to become a vegan. It changes things, regardless of the alcohol or not. It would be a big change. A change from what is our norm. Alcohol hasn't got it's claws in me, I'm an adult and can moderatey drinking. I'm not sitting here necking a Special Brew. So much judgment on this thread because the topic is alcohol.

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 07:42

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:32

Yeah, that's what someone with a drinking problem would say. There's no reason for anyone who doesn't actually have a problem with drinking to be so aggressive to someone who doesn't have to drink to enjoy themselves.

Show quote history

Hardly aggressive. I don't recall saying I don't enjoy myself without a drink. You are making up your own narrative.

sunflowerandivy · 25/03/2023 07:48

The reason he's annoyed that you're not having a drink with him is because he thinks you're more fun etc if you've had a drink or he likes the way you interact when you've both been drinking. Nothing to do with same glass etc. you probably are more relaxed and fun if you've had a drink. Aren't we all? But you can't spend the entire time drunk so I think he's saying that he's not happy and sounds like you're unhappy too

LolaSmiles · 25/03/2023 07:55

I don't drink alcohol, but think some of the replies judging people who have evening drinks with their partner are a bit over the top.

All this alcohol doesn't make a difference to a night out and if you say it does that's sad and you have a problem is disingenuous. If alcohol didn't make a difference to anyone, nobody would drink alcohol, so it clearly does make a difference to a social occasion. Nobody should need alcohol to show their partner they care, or to flirt or to have fun, but acknowledging that the dynamic has changed when only one person drinks alcohol doesn't mean there's an alcohol problem.

OP's husband sounds like he's been rude.

People change and grow, but usually in a relationship you grow together in different ways and create new experiences and shared interests. OP do you and your DH have your own interests and hobbies and things you do together?

Stugs · 25/03/2023 07:59

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 07:42

Hardly aggressive. I don't recall saying I don't enjoy myself without a drink. You are making up your own narrative.

Show quote history

Well, anyone in the UK that comes onto a thread and starts calling people sanctimonious bores at 2am probably isn't that happy tbh.

Karatequeen · 25/03/2023 08:01

He sounds like a teen. There’s lots of fun to be had without booze

Stugs · 25/03/2023 08:01

BusterGonad · 25/03/2023 07:36

I lived in a village with no bus service or taxis. So yes one of us drove if we were going out further afield. But I'm talking about someone suddenly changing who they are, what they enjoy. I'm obviously not talking about practicalities, I'm talking about if my husband was to suddenly say he was no longer drinking things would change, just like if he said he no longer enjoyed watching films, or going for coffees or declaring that he was to become a vegan. It changes things, regardless of the alcohol or not. It would be a big change. A change from what is our norm. Alcohol hasn't got it's claws in me, I'm an adult and can moderatey drinking. I'm not sitting here necking a Special Brew. So much judgment on this thread because the topic is alcohol.

Show quote history

OK, well I've often done dry January and Sober spring (three months off) and dh has never found it boring or odd! As the OP says her sitting there with a 0% drink doesn't make any difference to the other person whatsoever.

Hallmark1234 · 25/03/2023 08:02

It makes me cross when people do this. They can't just accept that another person wants something different to them and feel they have the right to sneer at their choices. It's bullying.

Stugs · 25/03/2023 08:04

just like if he said he no longer enjoyed watching films, or going for coffees or declaring that he was to become a vegan

Well, giving up films would be a strange thing to do, but plenty of people become vegan and give up coffee. It's no biggie. Your partner isn't you.

Festivfrenzy · 25/03/2023 08:10

Grumpybutfunny · 24/03/2023 13:14

He's a manchild trying to cling to his youth OP.

Yes