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Original poster

Not chosen as godparent

103 replies

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 21:32

Friends of ours recently had twins. I've known friend 1 for about 15 years since Uni and his wife about 10 years who I've become very close to, so much that they came to my covid wedding of 10 people.

They've gone through a lot of trouble to get to have their twins and my friends wife shared all their issues with me constantly when no-one else knew. My OH and I had similar issues and are due our first baby in September. She had said she would not have got through their infertility without me.

This evening I found out from a friend who was chosen to be one of the twins godmothers that they had chosen the godparents. I was by no means expecting to be godmother but I was really hurt to find out my friends wife has chosen the other godmother as her friend from work who she has known for 2 years. Godfathers are brothers on either side.

I know that it might sound petty but I'm really upset and hurt and don't know how to react.

OP posts:
Starseeed · 23/03/2023 21:34

No reaction is needed except to accept your feelings. You feel hurt, rejected, snubbed? It’s painful. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything, just feel it and let it wash through you.

drpet49 · 23/03/2023 21:36

Starseeed · 23/03/2023 21:34

No reaction is needed except to accept your feelings. You feel hurt, rejected, snubbed? It’s painful. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything, just feel it and let it wash through you.

This. Your feelings are totally valid. I would feel the same as you.

Numbersarefun · 23/03/2023 21:37

Are you of their faith? When we were choosing Godparents, we chose from our Christian friends.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:38

You don't know who they are obligated to in their own family or wider friendship circles - it maybe that they have to reciprocate to someone

Also I don't know what church this is but if this is a Catholic christening it may have been stipulated that one Godparent has to be Catholic- not every priest or parish does but some do

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 21:38

I don't know how to react when I see her again and she's just texting me as normal even now.😪

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 23/03/2023 21:38

Maybe they have some weird ideas about what godparents have to do, like chanting prayers or something, and you don't quite fit the bill? That wouldn't mean your friendship isn't valued.

Shrubb157 · 23/03/2023 21:39

Are you from the same religion as them? When I had my child baptised it was stipulated that the Godparents must also be baptised which ruled out one of my friends who I’d planned to have

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 21:39

Numbersarefun · 23/03/2023 21:37

Are you of their faith? When we were choosing Godparents, we chose from our Christian friends.

Yes I am of their faith. The friend from work has no children so it's not a reciprocation

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:46

Ah you're the husband's friend - it looks like he chose the godfathers and went with family

I get that you had expectations but they may not have known this...it's an honour yes, but it's not a right.

You are going to have to give yourself a shake that you were overlooked and carry on being their friend.

They picked who they picked and certainly weren't thinking "Let's deliberately slight Conundrum" as part of the discussion - that's just not how anyone thinks

RandomMess · 23/03/2023 21:47

Maybe they chose friend because they don't have children?

Turnipworkharder · 23/03/2023 21:48

It could be they didn't choose you as you're having your own baby and they thought it might be too much pressure on you.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:49

For contrast one of my best friends didn't have me as a bridesmaid because there were too many to choose from

She had two college friends she's barely seen since.

Did it hurt? Yes it really did

Did I go to the wedding anyway? Yes

Have I ever said anything to her? No

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 23/03/2023 21:50

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:46

Ah you're the husband's friend - it looks like he chose the godfathers and went with family

I get that you had expectations but they may not have known this...it's an honour yes, but it's not a right.

You are going to have to give yourself a shake that you were overlooked and carry on being their friend.

They picked who they picked and certainly weren't thinking "Let's deliberately slight Conundrum" as part of the discussion - that's just not how anyone thinks

yes it sounds like this. Most people I know did mum picks godmother dad picks godfather.

unicornjewels · 23/03/2023 21:55

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:49

For contrast one of my best friends didn't have me as a bridesmaid because there were too many to choose from

She had two college friends she's barely seen since.

Did it hurt? Yes it really did

Did I go to the wedding anyway? Yes

Have I ever said anything to her? No

This. I'm one of a group of four friends but moved away from our home town for many years when the others stayed there. One of the friends chose the other two as her bridesmaids but not me, maybe because it was easier with them all being in the same place.
But your feelings are valid, I know that. It's ok to be upset, try not to let it affect your friendship thought you will feel hurt. I'm sure you will still play an important part in the baby's life.

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 21:59

I understand how you feel as I was in a similar situation with a relative of mine. It’s like they don’t expect your relationship to go on a next level. I would wait a bit, maybe you’ve got the explanation why, but I would definitely do less legwork in this friendship.

Mariposa26 · 23/03/2023 22:00

This happened to me too with a best friend of over 20 years. Another person was chosen for a specific reason regarding their circumstances that I felt made absolutely no sense, and has gone away since, but obviously did make sense at the time to the parents. It’s their decision at the end of the day, but it’s ok to feel hurt. Your feelings are valid. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a big part of the children’s lives.

reverseferreting · 23/03/2023 22:00

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 21:46

Ah you're the husband's friend - it looks like he chose the godfathers and went with family

I get that you had expectations but they may not have known this...it's an honour yes, but it's not a right.

You are going to have to give yourself a shake that you were overlooked and carry on being their friend.

They picked who they picked and certainly weren't thinking "Let's deliberately slight Conundrum" as part of the discussion - that's just not how anyone thinks

How did you come to the conclusion OP is referring to a male partner to her friend?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 22:01

From the OP she has known the husband 15 years

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 22:01

Are you actively religious? If not, are the other people who they've chosen actively religious?

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:01

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 21:59

I understand how you feel as I was in a similar situation with a relative of mine. It’s like they don’t expect your relationship to go on a next level. I would wait a bit, maybe you’ve got the explanation why, but I would definitely do less legwork in this friendship.

We had asked them over for lunch on Sunday but I'm thinking of cancelling now. I think I might get upset

OP posts:
BeanzToastie · 23/03/2023 22:01

My oldest friend who I've known since I was 11 picked two others to be her bridesmaids. She then picked the same two women to be godparents to her firstborn child. That hurt me a bit, but I put it behind me for the sake of our friendship.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:02

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 22:01

Are you actively religious? If not, are the other people who they've chosen actively religious?

They are not actively religious, neither am I or any of the chosen godparents

OP posts:
namechange3394 · 23/03/2023 22:04

reverseferreting · 23/03/2023 22:00

How did you come to the conclusion OP is referring to a male partner to her friend?

Show quote history

It literally says "his" in the first paragraph of the OP.

Awrite · 23/03/2023 22:04

Were you thinking of asking them to be your baby's Godparents?

minford · 23/03/2023 22:06

I know of several people who chose godparents who they thought might look after their DC if anything happened to them as parents ... and also people who didn't have their own kids who would prioritise theirs with nothing to 'rival' that. Hopefully you can enjoy the fact that you will both be bringing up DC together and can share all that without the responsibility of any other expectations. It would be a shame to let it spoil what you have - as others have said, maybe try to let the valid feeling wash over you but then feel relieved that you have no other responsibility apart from your own. (I felt quite differently about other relatives hoping I might take on responsibilities for their DC once I had my own - I just didn't want more potential demand - but maybe that's just me! )

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