Not chosen as godparent

[Conundrum12345]

Friends of ours recently had twins. I've known friend 1 for about 15 years since Uni and his wife about 10 years who I've become very close to, so much that they came to my covid wedding of 10 people.

They've gone through a lot of trouble to get to have their twins and my friends wife shared all their issues with me constantly when no-one else knew. My OH and I had similar issues and are due our first baby in September. She had said she would not have got through their infertility without me.

This evening I found out from a friend who was chosen to be one of the twins godmothers that they had chosen the godparents. I was by no means expecting to be godmother but I was really hurt to find out my friends wife has chosen the other godmother as her friend from work who she has known for 2 years. Godfathers are brothers on either side.

I know that it might sound petty but I'm really upset and hurt and don't know how to react.

I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous.

You seem to want 'best friend' privileges, when you have no idea how close your friend is to this colleague. Friend talks to you about her troubles? Well maybe she talked to this woman too. And length of a friendship doesn't always trump a shorter friendship. You sound really possessive to be honest.

Please don't be so petty as to withdraw the lunch invitation. That would be incredibly immature.

Also has it occurred to you that this colleague might not be able to have children of her own?

There are any number of reasons that could be behind this woman's choice, and you really need to stop being so self indulgent.
It's okay to be disappointed, but your level of hurt and resentment is over the top.

I know you and her are friends now, but it's possible she thinks of you as being her DH's friend first, hence why she has chosen someone who is just her friend. Also, you don't know how close they are. This is someone she sees most days and was very likely to be a good support to her through the fertility troubles too. Who is the other Godmother a friend of? Did her and DH pick one each or how did they decide? Tbf her DH should have been the one to choose you. I'm not sure why you're blaming her for this.

A friend with kids close in age is a HUGE asset. Do not step back from this relationship over the godparent thing. Fine to feel sad/miffed - but this is a relationship that can (continue to) add so much to you and your kid’s life. Keep nurturing it and let this one go is truly the right answer, though I can see it must really sting.

Aren't godparents who basically are the people who you want to advise your kids? For me the person who I wapuld want to do this, might not necessarily be the person I am most closest to. Maybe the friend is more easygoing ... unlike yourself who has taken offence to not being chosen. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but perhaps you have completely different personalities and they prefer the other person's for their child's godparent

Omg. Get a grip! If you're this petty, you would not make a good role model at all!

I haven't read the whole thread but have they changed the rules regarding Godparents? Being baptised yourself wasn't good enough, you also had to be Confirmed. My DB couldn't be a Godparent as he wasn't Confirmed despite the parents wanting him (this is CoE).

What? That’s crazy. You need to chill out they can chose whoever want and will have their reasons.

It’s ok to be upset. Let yourself feel how you feel, and avoid them for a week or two. It’s horrible when you assumed the relationship was different than it was. They might have a reason.

I get that, I wouldn't feel up to discussing it without some time to adjust to the news. You're feelings are completely valid and they're very raw right now. Maybe postpone rather than cancel. There may be a very sound reasoning behind their choice but that doesn't make it less hurtful.

I had a situation that feels similar. One of my bridesmaids didn't even invite me to her wedding (and then when someone pulled out 2 weeks before I got a text inviting us 🙄. Needless to say, I didn't go).

I felt very upset about it at the time (as she is family) and am still sore about it now. So I have no advice just a bit of sympathy with your situation. It's hurtful when you think you will be part of something and aren't.

If you are not religious what do you think your role as godparent would be? Also if you are due a child who will be nearly the same age she might see that as something that will keep you close.

Apart from presents my godparents didn’t really feature much in my life.

I do think it is odd having a christening when no-one is a church goer. It is all about the Church. We had a naming ceremony for DS for that reason.

Perhaps you weren't asked because you're currently pregnant and they thought you'd probably have your hands full to take on the responsibility? I can understand you're upset - I would feel a bit hurt too. But sometimes we do things that inadvertently hurt others feelings and we just don't realise. I don't think it would have been done maliciously. And don't forget as well that they may have countless relatives and other friends also thinking 'well, I've not been asked to be a godparent!'. Don't let this blip ruin your friendship. Be happy for them that they've been able to have a child after their fertility issues xx

I would be over joyed. I hate the god parent responsibility.

Your feelings are valid op and if you need a bit of time to get some distance on it then I think it's utterly ok to do so. I would not cut off the friendship though. Just take some time.

In the country I was brought up it is common to have family as Godparents I was very hurt when my sister asked her best friend and our brother to be Godparents to her daughter. Dbro then proceeded to not speak to my sister or niece for 19 years and I actually have a good relationship with my niece who lived with me for 18 months whilst studying here in the UK.

I have never told my sister it hurt me (I was also hurt she didn't even bother to send me a invite) I never asked either of my siblings to be Godparents to my children (did ask my aunt who is only 4 years older than D sis) I have no God Children I have had no fewer than 5 friends say " if we had decided to have 1 more child you would have been our choice of God Parent" somehow that makes it worse. DS has 3 GodChildren and doesn't bother much with them.

It’s ok to say you are sad. It’s ok to say it’s their decision and you respect that, but you are sad. Sometimes not saying anything is worst and causes an unsaid rift. I had a friend who had other peoples kids at her wedding and not mine, even though I knew her since childhood and she was close to my child unlike the others. I didn’t say anything, and now years later we don’t speak as honestly I never really recovered from that and we didn’t address it.

Surely it's a massive kind of entitlement to expect to be a Godparent, and sulk when you're not?

I can't imagine a friend telling me that they've cancelled a Sunday lunch they invited me to because they're sad that I didn't choose them. That would kill the friendship stone dead for me.

Parents get to choose the Godparents for their children, and for whatever reason they want. It's quite bizarre to feel that you get to complain to them when they don't pick you.

My DS godmother didn't ask me to be godmother to either of her subsequent DC - that stung.

This 💯

Jesus christ get a grip. Why would you care? Just be happy for them and stop making it about you! You dont know what the chosen person is going through or hownl their relationship is.
I think they made the right choice based on your completely selfish and unhinged reaction!

I think you are overreacting. You mentioned you are pregnant, so I can understand you feel hormonal and I don't mean this unkindly.

It sounds like he was choosing godfather & his wife chose someone who she is closer to. It doesn't mean your friendship is not real or you should cancel your lunch.

Don't take it personally. It doesn't really say anything at all about your relationship with her, you're making it mean something that it doesn't.

Cancelling lunch would be an overreaction.

Exactly this, and individual churches can't make exceptions, as it's a requirement under Canon Law. However at my church we offer the option to be a 'sponsor' - it's not a legal position like a godparent, but it can help avoid upsetting friends and family members who expect to be a godparent.

Didn’t think there was any legalities about being a godparent, it doesn’t confer any rights on you

The requirement for confirmation was dropped some years ago, but the requirement to be baptised (christened) is still in place.