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Original poster

Not chosen as godparent

103 replies

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 21:32

Friends of ours recently had twins. I've known friend 1 for about 15 years since Uni and his wife about 10 years who I've become very close to, so much that they came to my covid wedding of 10 people.

They've gone through a lot of trouble to get to have their twins and my friends wife shared all their issues with me constantly when no-one else knew. My OH and I had similar issues and are due our first baby in September. She had said she would not have got through their infertility without me.

This evening I found out from a friend who was chosen to be one of the twins godmothers that they had chosen the godparents. I was by no means expecting to be godmother but I was really hurt to find out my friends wife has chosen the other godmother as her friend from work who she has known for 2 years. Godfathers are brothers on either side.

I know that it might sound petty but I'm really upset and hurt and don't know how to react.

OP posts:
BaroldFromEastenders · 23/03/2023 22:06

I think I’d cancel lunch and maybe distance myself from them. There’s clearly a reason for their decision

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 23/03/2023 22:06

Maybe she thought you had enough going on with a dc due? Sil only asked me so I had to wear a posh outfit hugely pregnant and felt ridiculous!

Tiredmummy01 · 23/03/2023 22:06

We've recently made enquiries about getting our children christened and have been told that all of the god parents have to be christened which is causing us a bit of an issue as it leaves out some quite close people to us. Could it be a similar issue?

Aoneslicesandwichisonlyahalfsandwich · 23/03/2023 22:07

Op this is really specific. If the new mum is in MN she might decide she doesn’t want to come to lunch on Sunday!

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:07

Awrite · 23/03/2023 22:04

Were you thinking of asking them to be your baby's Godparents?

Yes. They were top of our list :(

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:08

reverseferreting · 23/03/2023 22:00

How did you come to the conclusion OP is referring to a male partner to her friend?

Show quote history

I've known friend 1 for about 15 years since Uni and his wife about 10 years

RandomMess · 23/03/2023 22:09

Godparents are there to guide the child spiritually.

Guardians appointed in a will are who will be considered to raise DC if both parents die and no family steps forward.

If none of you are actually "religious" why are you having a christening and Godparents.

Have a naming day and celebration.

Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:10

You're his friend - he's chosen family. She's more of a friend through him and yeah you helped her through a tough time but did you know her outside that?

Verylongtime · 23/03/2023 22:10

But maybe they thought you wouldn’t want the responsibility of being a godparent. Generally, I’d see a godparent to be a single person or without children.

Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:11

RandomMess · 23/03/2023 22:09

Godparents are there to guide the child spiritually.

Guardians appointed in a will are who will be considered to raise DC if both parents die and no family steps forward.

If none of you are actually "religious" why are you having a christening and Godparents.

Have a naming day and celebration.

Do you make vows in a Christening?

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:12

I'm just hurt. I thought our friendship was on a different level but maybe I'm mistaken. I by no means want to fall out with friends but its upset me and maybe I'm not considered as close as a friend as I thought of them

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 23/03/2023 22:13

Are you a parent OP? (sorry if I have missed you say).

Some people might think of a godparent as an important figure in a child's life and potential guardian if anything happened to the parents. They might have different parenting ideas than you? If you are a parent I'm sure you are a brilliant one but your friends might plan to do things differently. They might find they don't parent how they think they will either in time e.g. "my kid will eat what they are given/do as they are told" etc.

Or it might be nothing at all to do with you and simply that they have 20 potential candidates among family and friends and chose two of them. They can't choose all of them.

You will be able to build a lovely relationship with this child without expectation or pressure due to the godparent role.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:13

Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:10

You're his friend - he's chosen family. She's more of a friend through him and yeah you helped her through a tough time but did you know her outside that?

We socialise just the two of us. We met through him but our friendship would be independent if that

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:13

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:12

I'm just hurt. I thought our friendship was on a different level but maybe I'm mistaken. I by no means want to fall out with friends but its upset me and maybe I'm not considered as close as a friend as I thought of them

Maybe not to her. You've bonded over one aspect of her life.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:15

Fluffodils · 23/03/2023 22:13

Maybe not to her. You've bonded over one aspect of her life.

Show quote history

We bonded over a lot of things. It was just their fertility issues that she confided in me a lot

OP posts:
Verylongtime · 23/03/2023 22:18

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:12

I'm just hurt. I thought our friendship was on a different level but maybe I'm mistaken. I by no means want to fall out with friends but its upset me and maybe I'm not considered as close as a friend as I thought of them

But how close you are as a friend has nothing to do with being a godparent. The best of friends can often be the worst choice for a godparent.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/03/2023 22:19

@Fluffodils

You have to deny Satan and all his works and promise to help the parents bring the child up in the faith

Bootlass · 23/03/2023 22:21

I'm sorry, I know this is not going to be a popular opinion but if you absolutely had no expectation to be asked to be godparent, I'm not sure I understand why it matters who was chosen. Being friends for a longer period with someone does not give you an automatic right. Are you seriously going to cancel lunch in case you get visibly upset? I mean, at this stage you've only heard the decision through a third party or have your friends now confirmed this? But even if it's 100% true, you will take a step back, lose contact, ruin a longstanding, presumably good, friendship over this? That's pretty amazing to me. I think you got your priorities all wrong. You don't have to be a godparent to love and care for a good friend's DC. You do that anyway because you love and care for your friends and your friendship, and hopefully they'll be the same when your longed-for, gorgeous DC when it comes along regardless of whether you ask them to be godparents or not

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/03/2023 22:23

Do the other godparents have children? She may have purposefully wanted to choose people without children of their own if she thinks they would have more time to give. I have a friend who has done this, her DD’s godparents are all friends/ family who have decided, for one reason or another, they don’t want kids. She felt people who have their own children won’t prioritise her DD or want to step up and take on her DD if anything were to happen to her for fear of how it would effect their own offspring. Could your friend be thinking along these lines?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 23/03/2023 22:24

If I had another child I would have to choose from amongst a dozen or so candidates at least. I’d find it tricky.

maybe they might choose you for their next child? but even if they don’t it’s still not worth breaking up the friendship over this.

can you be grown up and be gracious - and not cancel lunch?

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 22:26

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:01

We had asked them over for lunch on Sunday but I'm thinking of cancelling now. I think I might get upset

Show quote history

I was a guest at christening and then stayed with them. I didn’t plan to tell anything and went through the weekend very smoothly but then something else happened, we had a bit of debate and I snapped about it. So in your situation I would probably cancel with some polite excuse, just in case, but I wouldn’t let them know that you are upset.

ToDoListAddict · 23/03/2023 22:26

I totally sympathise. My SIL has 3 siblings & 3 children. 2 of her siblings were asked to be godparents so we wrongly assumed my DH would be asked to be godparent to the 3rd child. But it's a work friend of hers.
My husband isn't overly bothered but I just thought it seemed harsh that his siblings are good enough to be godparents but not him.

Verylongtime · 23/03/2023 22:26

Also worth thinking about exactly why you want to be a godparent.

mosiacmaker · 23/03/2023 22:27

OP I think you’re allowed to be sad and I think you should also tell her you are sad. She’ll probably have a very nice explanation that will make you feel immediately better (eg the PPs point about choosing people without kids)

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 23/03/2023 22:28

I can totally understand that you feel sad about this OP. You thought of her as a very dear close friend and now it appears she has chosen others before you. If you are really upset I think it’s fine to cancel lunch to have a breathing space to gather your thoughts.

But could there be an explanation that is not that she doesn’t value you equally in the friendship? Some churches have more godparents than just one of each sex per child so could she be going to ask you as well? It would be good to know their thinking but how you respond might have an effect on your future friendship.