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Original poster

Not chosen as godparent

103 replies

Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 21:32

Friends of ours recently had twins. I've known friend 1 for about 15 years since Uni and his wife about 10 years who I've become very close to, so much that they came to my covid wedding of 10 people.

They've gone through a lot of trouble to get to have their twins and my friends wife shared all their issues with me constantly when no-one else knew. My OH and I had similar issues and are due our first baby in September. She had said she would not have got through their infertility without me.

This evening I found out from a friend who was chosen to be one of the twins godmothers that they had chosen the godparents. I was by no means expecting to be godmother but I was really hurt to find out my friends wife has chosen the other godmother as her friend from work who she has known for 2 years. Godfathers are brothers on either side.

I know that it might sound petty but I'm really upset and hurt and don't know how to react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:28

mosiacmaker · 23/03/2023 22:27

OP I think you’re allowed to be sad and I think you should also tell her you are sad. She’ll probably have a very nice explanation that will make you feel immediately better (eg the PPs point about choosing people without kids)

The other godmother has children so I don't think that's the reason...

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 23/03/2023 22:29

I hate to do the false hope thing but are you 100% sure they’re not going to ask you at the dinner you have invited then too?

you can have as many godparents as you like (but many choose 3) so if they’ve not mentioned anything at all to you yet and you only know through another friend, maybe they want to ask you in person.

Rewis · 23/03/2023 22:29

It's OK to feel hurt but there is nothing you need to do about it. I think you are putting too much meaning behind the concept of a god parent. It is mainly a ceremonial role. You can still be close to the child if you want. You not hwing chosen doesn't mean they don't appreciate you as a friend.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:30

MimiSunshine · 23/03/2023 22:29

I hate to do the false hope thing but are you 100% sure they’re not going to ask you at the dinner you have invited then too?

you can have as many godparents as you like (but many choose 3) so if they’ve not mentioned anything at all to you yet and you only know through another friend, maybe they want to ask you in person.

No they're not. They always said they'd do 2 godparents and my friend who is the other godmother said the same thing

OP posts:
TeaAndCrumpets7 · 23/03/2023 22:33

@Conundrum12345 are you sure she isn’t planning on asking you as well? You can have more than one godmother.

That said, my closest friend is godmother to my dd, but we didn’t even get invited to the church for her son’s Christening. Yes it stings a bit, but I decided it wasn’t worth losing the friendship over, so just tried to let it go.

TeaAndCrumpets7 · 23/03/2023 22:33

Sorry, cross-post there!

ladygindiva · 23/03/2023 22:35

RandomMess · 23/03/2023 21:47

Maybe they chose friend because they don't have children?

This. My children don't have godparents, but when I was thinking of it I was going to ask my two childless friends rather than those with their own children, for a host of reasons.

2chocolateoranges · 23/03/2023 22:37

I think you’re being a bit dramatic. You say none of you are actively religious, so there is no problem. You can still be friends .

now I’m wondering if we upset our siblings and friends when we didn’t ask any of them to be our childrens godparents as I asked my aunt and uncle as they are actively religious. Which was important to me at the time.

Dery · 23/03/2023 22:37

“I know of several people who chose godparents who they thought might look after their DC if anything happened to them as parents ... and also people who didn't have their own kids who would prioritise theirs with nothing to 'rival' that.”

This. I deliberately chose godparents who didn’t have their own children. I think many people do the same. One of my DH’s oldest friends is like an uber-Godfather. He’s got 7 or 8 godchildren. Never had children of his own. I suspect that’s what’s driven the choice here.

Dahliasrule · 23/03/2023 22:37

Is it just one godparent for each child or are the two people asked going to be godparents for both? They might still be going to ask you.
I know how it feels. The godmothers for my children ( I had them much younger than my friends) never asked me. It hurt at the time. However, I am still great friends with both of them many, many years later.

Rewis · 23/03/2023 22:38

Those of you who specifically want childless friends to be God parents what's the reason? Are you planning to leave your kids to God parents if something happens to you and childless person is easier? They will give better presents? Leave your child an inheritanc? What if they decide to have kids?

Emilia35 · 23/03/2023 22:41

The real mystery here is why you're all getting your kids christened when none of you are actively religious? What's the point?!

A godparent is meant to be a guide to the religion/ spiritual guide. Maybe your friends are more religious than you think and chose people who they think will be better guides to their kids. It's nothing personal against you. I think you're being quite dramatic.

Verylongtime · 23/03/2023 22:42

Rewis · 23/03/2023 22:38

Those of you who specifically want childless friends to be God parents what's the reason? Are you planning to leave your kids to God parents if something happens to you and childless person is easier? They will give better presents? Leave your child an inheritanc? What if they decide to have kids?

The general reason isn’t any of those. It’s because they might have more time and energy on their hands to think about the godchild. Nothing to do with inheritance or bringing up a child in case of death etc.

Wheelz46 · 23/03/2023 22:44

I have a really close friend who is my go to and share everything with her, told her things I have never told anyone else. However if I were to ever have my children christened, I would not choose her as a godparent.

In my opinion, you don't choose a godparent just because you happen to be close friends with someone. Choosing family or friend that is the right fit for your child is the most important.

Choosing one friend over another doesn't necessary mean you care more for one than the other, you go with what feels right and the best for your child.

MaydinEssex · 23/03/2023 22:53

Can you not have double the Godparents if it's a twin christening? I was a godmother once, I haven't been Christened myself by the way, and as the baby was a boy the parents chose two godmothers and one godfather, why can't the op's friend have two sets of godparents? That way op can be included.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 22:55

MaydinEssex · 23/03/2023 22:53

Can you not have double the Godparents if it's a twin christening? I was a godmother once, I haven't been Christened myself by the way, and as the baby was a boy the parents chose two godmothers and one godfather, why can't the op's friend have two sets of godparents? That way op can be included.

There are two sets of godparents. One godmother and one godfather for each child x

OP posts:
Rewis · 23/03/2023 22:55

Verylongtime · 23/03/2023 22:42

The general reason isn’t any of those. It’s because they might have more time and energy on their hands to think about the godchild. Nothing to do with inheritance or bringing up a child in case of death etc.

Show quote history

But what does that even mean? What's the expectation of "more time and energy to think about the god child"? Spending time with the child? Babysit? I guess as a childless God mother I'm not really sure how I'm more beneficial for the kids than if I had my own. Cause i feel like it is the opposite..maybe the parents have ideas I'm very much a dissapointment 😅

user1492757084 · 23/03/2023 22:59

Be a little sad but be a lot happy.

There are two small babies to cherish who will be friends with your newborn and you will have many years of wonder, fun and friendship.

SunflowerTed · 23/03/2023 23:01

I can understand that you are a bit disappointed but cancelling lunch and distancing yourself is a bit childish. They have every right to choose who they like as godparents.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 23/03/2023 23:07

SunflowerTed · 23/03/2023 23:01

I can understand that you are a bit disappointed but cancelling lunch and distancing yourself is a bit childish. They have every right to choose who they like as godparents.

I'm quite hormonal and emotional with my pregnancy so was more worried I would start crying or something silly if it came up!

OP posts:
Suetcrust · 23/03/2023 23:13

I believe it’s possible to have as many Godparents as a parent wishes for their child.

If you raise the subject with her she could ask you too but then you’ll feel like an afterthought. Second best.

I used to regularly dog sit for a friend. I thought we were reasonably close but wasn’t invited to her second wedding.

Was I hurt? Yes
Did I say anything? No
Did she invite her kids’ current partners? Yes
Are they still with those boyfriends? No

Life is unfair but there’s some stuff you just have to suck up and … if taken seriously, there’s quite a lot to being a good Godparent. It’s a true commitment until the kid has grown up. Might be more in the long run than you have the capacity for.
Be a Fairy Godmother. Outshine the ordained Godmother! She may get bored of remembering every birthday, presents, inclusion in family events she has no interest in and might drift away? You could be the one to take up the slack with a generous heart and loving kindness.

Redglitter · 23/03/2023 23:20

I've had a close relationship with my best friend since we were at school. She has 3 children & I wasn't asked to be GM to any of them. It was her SIL.

It really hurt at the time but it passed and it's never impacted our friendship. We've never discussed it either. We're still best friends & I have a great relationship with her children

Allow yourself to be hurt but don't let it spoil your friendship

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2023 23:21

A godparent is meant to be a guide to the religion/ spiritual guide. Maybe your friends are more religious than you think and chose people who they think will be better guides to their kids. It's nothing personal against you. I think you're being quite dramatic.
I don’t think people expect religious guidance nowadays, only if they are very religious themselves and it is not the case with OP’s friends. In my situation the chosen godparent wasn’t religious at all and wasn’t going to be a guide of any sort. He saw the kid first time at the christening ( 6months old) and then again at 7. I don’t think he called much and asked about the child in between.
some people will say you’ll have a special bond with a child anyway but it’s quite the opposite. I saw it personally as a sign that parents ( actually Mum) didn’t care about my relationship with their child so I considered myself free of any obligations.

AliceMcK · 23/03/2023 23:22

I regret my god parent choices for all my DCs. I did the family obligation thing but wish id gone with friends I knew would actually care and be there. Out of 8 god parents 3 actually give a shit, one has no children and it’s a big deal to her being my DDs godmother, another id known most of my life but only just reconnected with not long before I had my DD, her children are grown, she had the faith connection and again, this was a big deal as its like she has another child to spoil. The third is a male relative that makes an effort to see his goddaughter as much as he can. I wish my DDs other godparents gave a shit, 2 didn’t even turn up with a card on the day and haven’t bothered seeing her since.

I had 2 friends I could have chosen for 2 of my DDs I wish I’d chosen, one child free, no intention of having children who would absolutely have been a very hands on godmother, the other has children but, again faith connection with older children and who would make the effort to be involved in DDs life’s.

Your friends may well regret their decision too.

takeme · 23/03/2023 23:23

@Suetcrust Outshine the ordained Godmother! She may get bored of remembering every birthday, presents, inclusion in family events she has no interest in and might drift away? You could be the one to take up the slack with a generous heart and loving kindness.

Love that - post above!

You know OP, it does hurt. I have been there and if I am honest my relationship with the friend isn't the same-
But as much as it hurts now it taught me a life lesson and how to choose people that choose me

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