Sexist comment or am I overreacting?

[JollieJullie]

I went on a first date yesterday with a 42 years old man. We got on very well, I believe there was mutual attraction, conversation was great and we already have a second date scheduled.

However, he made a comment at some point that is not sitting right with me. I'd love to hear other people's perspectives on it.

We were talking about pur favorite wines and I said that mine is Amarone. He disagreed with me and said he is not a fan because it is too sweet. He then said "it is a women's wine". I feel like there was an implied demeaning tone in this comment, like it is a wine that is only good enough for silly women who can't appreciate real wine? I also don't like it when people talk about women (or men) as a monolithic entity with no nuances for individuality.

I didn't say anything in the moment and then the conversation moved on. He didn't say anything else that I found problematic for the rest of the night.

Would you be annoyed by this comment? Am I being too rigid about it? Perhaps it was just a poorly thought joke. I am not sure really.

I will meet him again and observe if he makes other similar remarks but I am interested in hearing other people's opinions on this. Thanks!

I think the OP must have lived a sheltered life.

Reminds me of a long ago ex who would t allow me a pint of strong bow because it's not ladylike so he bought me two halves I was too young and inexperienced to know better and put up with wit lot of abusive shot further down the line. Controlling and jealous twat. I'm contrary do I'd be inclined to g on the second date and push his buttons by ordering a pint of something stereotypically manly and turn up in a shirt and tie. Or something similar. Purely to see his reaction. Otherwise I'd not bother with a second date. Women’s drink indeed.

It is definitely sexist. But, let's be honest, we are all products of our society and all have endless unconscious biases. So I'd consider it a flag but it would be more about how he responds when you point out that this sort of thing is sexist.

It was a snotty remark. Both me and Mr Middle are both keen on a glass. Mr Middle is definitely of the male type.

You've now put me in the mood🍾

If you’re this over sensitive I would stay clear of dating

Maybe, but she’s right to look for red flags and act. Too many women see those flags waving and ignore them.

instead of him admitting his ignorance and saying I don’t know that one, or even bullshitting and saying yes that’s nice, he lied, said it was too sweet and was a woman’s wine. He basically put her down for her choice.

if you know amarone it’s like saying I find a aged single malt too sweet and it’s a women’s drink. It’s laughable in its ignorance. It’s less funny in its sexist connotations.

Or women!

Red flag for sure.

People who understand and write about men who abuse women, like Lundy Bancroft, say be on the look out for these kinds of little misogynistic comments - they reveal so much.

Completely overreacting
🚩

Well yeah it's sexist, but probably true for most as well 🤷‍♀️

Tbh I personally think you’re overthinking. It was one just comment & he could have been nervous and it just came out without him putting any significance on it.
if everyone read into every silly comment I made I’d be in trouble!
however if you are concerned you could ask him or try and tease it out another way?

It's not sexist it's a known common fact

Gender-related Differences in Food Craving and Obesity
National Institutes of Health (.gov)
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › articles › PMC4918881
by J Hallam · 2016 · Cited by 156 — Several studies have shown that men report more craving for savory foods (e.g., meat, fish, eggs), whereas women report more craving for sweet ...

Had he said women shouldn't drink pints that would have been sexist. I think you shouldn't see him again in any event as you sound very different.

Actually even women shouldn't drink pints could be not sexist, for example if it was said from a health point of view because women tend to be smaller than men with less tolerance for alcohol and a lower daily unit recommendation than men and getting drunk makes them more vulnerable.
I don't think it's sexist to acknowledge general differences between men and women.

Actually I have in the past dated men who ended up being very sexist and that is why I try to pay attention to these early signs.

As I said in my OP, I wasn't sure how to interpret that comment and that is why I wanted to ask for people's opinions here.

As in I should be expected to turn a blind eye to sexist comments if I want to date men?

It’s low level sexist yeah. Weird thing to posture about for a man in his 40s. Wouldn’t let it be a dealbreaker though.

This would be more of an amber flag than a red one. I'd look to subtly probe into his views on sex and gender on the 2nd date.

I wouldn't bother replying to the male posters, OP.

I've found that low level sexist attitudes towards food amd drink choices early on usually reveal much more concerning opinions about women much further down the line.

I haven't met/dated a single man who made a seemingly innocent comment about it who didn't hold more troublesome sexist views.

It's one of the biggest dating red flags.

I'm disappointed that people are accusing you of being over-sensitive and of overreacting @JollieJullie

For reasons pointed out by pp, I can see why this has stayed with you. I don't subscribe to the view that you need to be willing to put up with some sexist comments if you want to date. And it's good advice (often spoken on these boards) to be aware of warning signs, which you are doing.

Yes it was a sexist comment, of course it was. He lumped all women in to one and decided he knows what 'they' like. If it was truly a sweet wine, and he had evidence that women tend to prefer sweeter wines you could look at it as an innocent, clumsy remark. (Even then I'd be wary of someone who labels things so easily as 'women's').

However, it isn't so sweet, and in my experience women are no more likely to like it than men, which means his remark could be slightly more aggressive ('you like it, you're a women, women like sweet wine, therefore it must be sweet'). All said with confidence that he must be right.

Did he come across as a bit of a know-all? The comment sounds like something one of those would say, as a way of both showing you that he's very clever and to be admired, whilst putting you in your place, telling you that you're just liking a wine because you're a woman, not because you have individual likes and dislikes.

His comment could just be a clumsy, ill-informed one-off, or it could be a sign that he's sexist / a know-all. If you really liked him generally, I certainly wouldn't write him off, but I would be aware of any other things he says that suggest he may be either. And be ready to pick him up on it next time.

I wouldn’t like this. I wouldn’t take it the way you took it though, I’d assume he was saying it in the sense of women liking sweeter wines. But even that stereotyping would piss me off. Can’t be dealing with people like that.

So he told you that your favourite wine was wrong? What does that even mean? It's your favourite; it can't be right or wrong! He could've just said oh that's too sweet for me.

I think the fact that Amarone isn’t sweet makes the comment worse. He is covering up his ignorance by making assumptions that it is sweet because a woman likes it and then putting you down for your choice. Now maybe he was nervous and embarrassed to admit that he didn’t know the wine so trying to cover up with a clumsy comment - but definitely one to watch. What wine did he like btw?

If it was a sweet wine the comment would be a non issue. The reason it comes across as rude and sexist is because it isn't sweet at all.

Rather than admit that he didn't know that wine, or use it as a chance to flirt/get to know the OP better ("never tried it, maybe we could share a bottle?") the guy said he didn't like it and for a bullshit reason.

I wouldn't be impressed because his initial response to something he wasn't knowledgeable on was to lie, dismiss the OPs preference and use gender stereotypes to do it. Basically, he comes across as a pompous pillock in the original post.

Oh my goodness this is ridiculous! Of course it isn't sexist!

If a woman said on a first date "larger is a bit manly for me" or "Guinness is a proper man's drink" or "whiskey is for distinguished gentlemen" or something in a jokingly way it wouldn't in any way be considered sexist!

Nothing red flag about what he said.

All those statements are sexist too.... how are they not? Sweeping baseless generalisations about people based on their sex. Ergo, sexist.