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Original poster

Sexist comment or am I overreacting?

111 replies

JollieJullie · 23/03/2023 16:34

I went on a first date yesterday with a 42 years old man. We got on very well, I believe there was mutual attraction, conversation was great and we already have a second date scheduled.

However, he made a comment at some point that is not sitting right with me. I'd love to hear other people's perspectives on it.

We were talking about pur favorite wines and I said that mine is Amarone. He disagreed with me and said he is not a fan because it is too sweet. He then said "it is a women's wine". I feel like there was an implied demeaning tone in this comment, like it is a wine that is only good enough for silly women who can't appreciate real wine? I also don't like it when people talk about women (or men) as a monolithic entity with no nuances for individuality.

I didn't say anything in the moment and then the conversation moved on. He didn't say anything else that I found problematic for the rest of the night.

Would you be annoyed by this comment? Am I being too rigid about it? Perhaps it was just a poorly thought joke. I am not sure really.

I will meet him again and observe if he makes other similar remarks but I am interested in hearing other people's opinions on this. Thanks!

OP posts:
NewMum0305 · 23/03/2023 17:51

It would put me off (and I like sweet wines!)

RoseslnTheHospital · 23/03/2023 17:51

MMmomDD · 23/03/2023 17:40

@JollieJullie

There is a difference between a generalisation, that could be unhelpful - and a factual statement.
Women tend to prefer sweeter wine. It’s not a judgement on our refinement. It’s how our taste buds work.

Not sure why make an issue of it.

Men can of course be sexist, and many are. (Also a generalisation, hard to avoid) But people do tend to be very quick to judge these days.

The research paper where that graph is from makes it clear that generalisations about preferences for sweet wine can't be drawn from that data. The sample size is small and has other drawbacks.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/239781310ConsumerrbehaviouranddsensorypreferenceedifferencesImplicationssforwineeproductmarketing

Section 2.2 is relevant, which again points out the lack of data. The most you could say is that there is some evidence that young women (under 24) may prefer sweeter wine, but more evidence is needed to back that statement up.

Calling this particular red wine a "woman's wine" makes no sense, and is casually sexist.

InSpainTheRain · 23/03/2023 18:00

It would be a bit of a red flag for me - but it really depends how he said it. I'd be fine with "I think it's quite a sweet wine which might be suited better to a woman's palate as they tend to prefer that sort of taste" but not "it's a woman's wine" which can sound a bit sneery.

Emmamoo89 · 23/03/2023 18:00

That would annoy me

Nandocushion · 23/03/2023 18:00

I think he got Amarone mixed up with something else, then acted like he was an expert about it. It's not sweet at all, it's a dry red and quite an expensive one.

Now I'm trying to think of what he might have confused it with. Albarino? Amaretto?

Ebony69 · 23/03/2023 18:02

Etoile41 · 23/03/2023 17:31

Get over it. Ppl get so easily offended over nothing

Exactly. I can’t believe the melodrama over one comment. Run for the hills? Seriously ? Can the OP honestly say she has never held any thought or view that was in any way suggestive of a generalision of males or any other group? MN posters generalise men frequently. This does not render him misogynistic.
I think HE needs to run for the hills if a comment like this is such a big deal for the OP as she would be constantly policing what he says.

Frith2013 · 23/03/2023 18:02

I'd worry I didn't know what a monolith is.

inky1991 · 23/03/2023 18:02

If you're offended by that, it's going to be a long old road ahead for you.

begoneday · 23/03/2023 18:05

I think the fact that you took note of this odd comment shows you’re incompatible and you may be looking for someone with a bit more emotional intelligence. Or just more intelligence full stop.

TheMatriarchy · 23/03/2023 18:07

Sexist, and incorrect, a sauterne or tokaji with cheese is delicious. Obviously never heard of the noble rot, philistine.

happysingleversary · 23/03/2023 18:08

Well the point of dates is to screen people really, it's like a job interview. So I think you should have addressed it. If you were having a nice time, a laugh, then it's easy to address things as it's lighthearted. No hard feelings, no arguments, and then you knew what he truly meant and can properly assess.

But sure, see next time and don't let things slide on dates. Dates' purpose is to find out these things.

HoneyPotBee · 23/03/2023 18:09

Did he say it in a joke way?

begoneday · 23/03/2023 18:10

IWineAndDontDine · 23/03/2023 17:46

Agree with this. Not an awful comment on its own but I bet its one of many to come

Show quote history

Exactly this! It is a tiny hint as to his general view of the world.

AncientBallerina · 23/03/2023 18:18

JoanThursday1972 · 23/03/2023 17:46

I don't think Amarone particularly sweet. I know guys who like it. I don't like rosé but it's been assumed I do at events etc because I'm a woman.

This! He assumed because you were a woman that your favourite wine was sweet! While in fact he knew nothing of the wine you mentioned, while you come from the actual region. You couldn’t make it up. Ultimate mansplaining.
Give him another chance maybe - he might be intimidated by wine knowledge - but if he starts telling you how to cook pasta then dump him!

AncientBallerina · 23/03/2023 18:19

Then again who wants to be with a bloke who can’t stand women knowing about anything that they don’t.

PennyForearm · 23/03/2023 18:22

If your second date is a dinner date I'd ask him to pass you the 'womens wine menu' please, then I'd order a large Amarone, take a sip and tell him I don't know what kind of shit Amarone he's tried but it's not sweet at all...

Possiblynotever · 23/03/2023 18:22

Amarone is not a sweet wine. It is an amazing grape, very expensive and full bodied. Great taste OP!

Thatisme · 23/03/2023 18:23

Amarone is not even a sweet wine. Lol! I think it may have been just a poor wine from someone who doesn't know wine.

Bamboux · 23/03/2023 18:24

Nandocushion · 23/03/2023 18:00

I think he got Amarone mixed up with something else, then acted like he was an expert about it. It's not sweet at all, it's a dry red and quite an expensive one.

Now I'm trying to think of what he might have confused it with. Albarino? Amaretto?

Yes, I also think he thought it was Amaretto, which obviously isn't even a wine. It's a really dickish thing to say.

I want Amarone now.

Thatisme · 23/03/2023 18:25

Thatisme · 23/03/2023 18:23

Amarone is not even a sweet wine. Lol! I think it may have been just a poor wine from someone who doesn't know wine.

Sorry, * a poor joke

mdinbc · 23/03/2023 18:39

Next date, ask him his favourite brand of frying pan. If he says he doesn't have an opinion because frying pans are just for women, then run!

Maray1967 · 23/03/2023 18:50

neitherofthem · 23/03/2023 16:53

It was also a stupid comment because Amarone isn't a sweet wine anyway. It is a rich, full-bodied, dry red.

Show quote history

Exactly. He knows nothing about wine - this is DH’s and my favourite wine and it is a rich red.
But - I’d bin him for the sexism that underpins what he said, whether or not he’s correct about wine.

Proudofitbabe · 23/03/2023 18:57

Sounds like he made a generalization that women go for sweet stuff. As a woman I tend to agree (might be wrong!) and I'm no raging sexist.

I wouldn't even register the comment unless it was said unkindly, but the fact it's niggled you in spite of an otherwise solid date, I think you'll be too different.

whateverwillbewillbewontit · 23/03/2023 19:05

Lots of people say stupid things on first dates. The best option is to jokingly challenge it at the time and gauge the reaction.

Him: 'It's a woman's wine'.

You: 'Err, what do you mean by that?'

Him: Sorry, was just a stupid turn of phrase...I'm nervous. Shouldn't have said it. What I meant was....

Or

Him: Well women don't know how to pick wine...

Answer 1 is forgivable. Answer 2, bye bye.

You can tell more about a person by their reaction than by the initial thing they say.

Brightshinylight · 23/03/2023 19:12

To be fair it is so low level sexist that he would probably deny it. For example I used to drive Golf cars and had a female friend said ‘oh, I wouldn’t have one of those it’s a man’s car.’