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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in

82 replies

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:44

Hi everyone just wanted to ask some advice. Moved into my partners house a few weeks ago. We have been together for 6 years but lived separately due to us both being full time parents and didn't feel ready to blend.
We now have and the children seem to be coping very well but it's us that seem to have issues.
I've seen a totally new side to him moving in, trying to get stuff done in the house takes ages with him. He only seems to have energy for stuff he wants to do. He will do tasks but anything that takes a long time just gets put off. He is very moody too something I never noticed before or perhaps I did but didn't bother me much as we were not together night and day! I've noticed he seems quite selfish and mainly only interested in his hobbies etc. Also very childish in arguments, either shuts down or just says fine we will do it your way- but not meaning it at all.
I've not lived with a man before, not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/03/2023 19:51

So many red flags. Difficult as you thought you knew him well. I'd speak to him. Best to get it sorted from outset. I cant stand lazy people who keep putting essential jobs off. I hate nagging so always end up just doing it myself but getting annoyed. Did you move in on trial period? If so I'd be telling him it is not really working for you.

rogueone · 21/03/2023 19:51

Well I hope you still have a home to return too as this is not a good start at all. What you are highlighting isn't fixable as it is who he is. He likely thinks now you are in that you can deal with the running of the home whilst he focusses on himself

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:56

I have spoken to him about it a good few times since we moved in. Nothing really changes. He acknowledges his faults and understands. Says the right stuff but doesn't really follow through for long. I feel like I'm nagging now constantly.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 21/03/2023 19:56

Living together will put lots of new stresses on the relationship, yet people who live apart get lots of stick...

TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2023 19:58

He won't change, who initiated the move?

Ihatethenewlook · 21/03/2023 20:00

I hope your old property is still available to you, and you haven’t given up your children’s home for them have to be subjected to this.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 20:03

I did as our lives were becoming increasingly separate. He always wanted to live together. It was me who wanted to wait. My Son who is 14 loves it and is enjoying my partner help him with 'man' stuff and in having a male role model. His Son is also enjoying it. I thought the kids would be the problem but turns out it's us. I'm so disappointed

OP posts:
TickleChops · 21/03/2023 20:05

Could he be focusing all his efforts on making sure your son and his son are happy rather than you at the moment?

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/03/2023 20:16

He thinks he can stop trying now you've moved in, I'd say.

roughoption · 21/03/2023 20:21

Not justifying his behaviour at all but do you think he could be overwhelmed? I think I would find it hard to adjust to a partner and their DC moving in, especially if i had been living in my space for a long time

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 20:21

He is making efforts with the boys but not massively. He is a good Dad always has been. It's more that his needs seem to be at the forefront and we are arguing a lot as moving in has presented many jobs to make the house practical for all of us. He said today he just feels like all he has is 'to do lists' totally ridiculous as he doesn't do hardly any of the stuff on the list and when Jobs are mentioned it's always a 'bad' time

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 21:23

Yes I think he is a bit overwhelmed but it's a massive adjustment for us all. We are all trying and putting in effort. I feel like what I'm needing from him is basic stuff. Even when it comes to listening to me Ive noticed he doesn't remember much/any of what's going on in my life and weekly plans that affect him. It's feeling a bit like having another child.

OP posts:
HowRatherGolly · 21/03/2023 22:11

Its a massive adjustment for anyone moving in, let alone blended families.

It does sound a little like you are parenting him by leaving lists for him to do.

Its so not sexy to barge in and leave list of stuff to do.

It may be your jointly home now but its probably a huge thing for your partner to take on two people, regardless of how long you have known one another, these things are always tricky. A few weeks is nothing. Sounds like you have had a conversation and nothing is changing, that is a choice and again not your job to raise a grown man. But it probably is shock to the system to have two people living together now and daunting for you both.

Unpacking boxes, placing your things amongst his, this is a major thing for most men.

You said you were getting distant prior to moving in, what do you mean by that? was the relationship running its course or what was the issue?

If you are not loving this new set up, are you able to move back to your own place?

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 08:00

Thanks for your reply, I see what you mean about lists but we wrote the list together and tbh I barely mention it now as I've given up a bit and don't want to cause an argument by him making excuses and me getting pissed off. We were getting distant as it was hard with busy lives to make time for each other and we both wanted a family unit and 6 years is a long time to date.
I understand it's difficult for him but the things I'm noticing like the underlying selfishness are worrying but perhaps it's not as bad as I think as I know I'm not perfect we all have put flaws but obviously living together magnifies them.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/03/2023 08:31

Do you still have your home if need be?

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 11:33

Hi yes I do but only for a few months as we can't afford to keep it long term.

OP posts:
TheCentreSlide · 22/03/2023 11:34

Move out now before the boys get too attached to the situation. He won’t change and will only get worse and you’ll be resentful and miserable.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 11:38

I get he won't change but wondering if I'm being unrealistic, won't everyone have parts of them that wind you up. Im worried about what I am seeing but also feel like I haven't given it a proper go being only 3rd week in.

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 22/03/2023 11:47

I moved in with my partner, no kids involved, he does things his way, I do things my way, I’m the lazy one who puts thing off, he doesn’t comment, if I don’t do cleaning and tidying he will.

It takes 2 to fall out, both of us are laid back, he is less outging than me so I often end up planning days out or socializing and he will happily take part. It works well, I can be myself, so can he

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 12:16

Thanks for reply, it does take two so I'm thinking should I be more laid back. I think the reason it's bothering me is because he has energy and focus etc when its stuff that matters to him but not when its stuff that matters to me. If he was generally like that I wouldn't get upset by it.

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 22/03/2023 12:17

How is he with your children? And how are you with his?

CalistoNoSolo · 22/03/2023 12:30

I would move out again tbh. I have enough going on with me and DD to put up with anyone else's shit. I also think that you've moved onto his territory and so he is having to make the biggest adjustments. It may have been better to both move to a new house. I don't want my partner to move in and I don't want to live at his, so when/if we get to the moving in stage it will be a new place that will suit us both.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 12:45

OP how much have you changed in your relationship since you moved in?

Were you a lot more relaxed and happy to see him when you lived separately so you didn't sweat the small stuff?

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 14:22

He's great with my Son and I'm good with his. They are both boys and only a year between them. The boys seem to be enjoying the company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 14:24

Yes I guess before we moved in I never expected stuff from him. I've moved from a lovely place which I've spent the last 10 years making a home. His house is not organised at all, it's a difficult house to live in and needs lots of things sorting to make it practical. We have sorted the children's stuff as that was priority.

OP posts:
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