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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in

82 replies

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:44

Hi everyone just wanted to ask some advice. Moved into my partners house a few weeks ago. We have been together for 6 years but lived separately due to us both being full time parents and didn't feel ready to blend.
We now have and the children seem to be coping very well but it's us that seem to have issues.
I've seen a totally new side to him moving in, trying to get stuff done in the house takes ages with him. He only seems to have energy for stuff he wants to do. He will do tasks but anything that takes a long time just gets put off. He is very moody too something I never noticed before or perhaps I did but didn't bother me much as we were not together night and day! I've noticed he seems quite selfish and mainly only interested in his hobbies etc. Also very childish in arguments, either shuts down or just says fine we will do it your way- but not meaning it at all.
I've not lived with a man before, not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:
MsCunk · 23/03/2023 13:12

If you're doubting the validity of your feelings in your relationship, it doesn't sound good to me.

GoldDuster · 23/03/2023 13:17

Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 11:33

Hi yes I do but only for a few months as we can't afford to keep it long term.

Back the truck up and move back in before it's too late.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 13:19

@MsCunk yes I am doubting myself. I've been told by my older brother and Mum in more subtle ways that I'm hard work. I'm trying to gain some clarity with opinions from others if this is 'normal' relationship stuff or not. My Mum was a single parent so don't really have a model of relationships.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 23/03/2023 13:21

It's also very difficult to accept someone into your house.

Then on your side, it's not your house - you are going to have an internal drive to create your own space out of it.

Unless you are a very passive person, you will find yourself wanting to make changes to furnishings and surroundings.

Things might have been different if you had both moved into neutral space.
The space isn't neutral.

You are wanting to make changes to things he has had in place for years.
So it comes across as you pointing out what's 'wrong'.

'There aren't enough forks'
'We should put a shelf there'
'Why would not have the telly over that side'
'I never put a lid on the pasta like that?'
'Does yours not eat cheese at all then? Oh I didn't know that'

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/03/2023 15:07

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 12:56

Thanks @Seaweed42 Its exactly that, before it was all hanging out and date nights. Now I want/need him to do stuff. He sees it as demanding, I see it as normal life. Ive aired my concerns a good few times. He feels like I need to be in control and I'm relentless with picking out stuff I don't like that he's doing. He doesn't do that with me but I think that's because I'm hearing what he says and making an effort. I don't think he is. But again I don't know if this is normal living together stuff that we just need to iron out or I'm forever going to feel let down and frustrated.

It's not normal. Everyone is telling you that.

Luckydip1 · 23/03/2023 15:08

I would also ask yourself how you would feel back on your own with your children, would you be happier or not?

kwetu · 23/03/2023 15:13

It must be a huge thing for him to now have to share his personal space I think anyone would struggle with at least some aspects of it. Yes it sounds like any issues he may have are manifesting in the wrong way, perhaps giving him some more personal space and time will help? But really you know him best, only you as a couple can try and work through any feelings of difficulty, if you both feel it's worth it. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2023 15:14

I would drag you out of that house if I could. This is not going to work, and he sounds horrible. All of this issues are just going to get worse and worse. Get out now while you still have a lovely home to go back to! You will regret it massively if you stay.

Pixiedust1234 · 23/03/2023 15:34

Its not going to work. Read up on boiled frog analogy, and death by a thousand cuts. You will end up resentful, angry and frustrated. Your self esteem and confidence will disappear. Its only been a few weeks and he's already lying to you and breaking promises, this is supposed to be the good time!

You are not hard work but right now you value yourself. Dont let your family devalue your valid feelings.

B0g · 23/03/2023 15:56

You’d have to be incredibly reckless to throw away the security of you and your child’s home, to move in to the home of a boyfriend. Date the moody, childish man if you feel the need, but there’s no reason whatsoever to make your kid live with him, or to become dependent on him to house you.

Panama2 · 23/03/2023 16:00

If his place isn’t set up the way you would prefer could you all live in yours?

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 23/03/2023 16:02

Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 14:24

Yes I guess before we moved in I never expected stuff from him. I've moved from a lovely place which I've spent the last 10 years making a home. His house is not organised at all, it's a difficult house to live in and needs lots of things sorting to make it practical. We have sorted the children's stuff as that was priority.

Expecting someone who has lived in a disorganised house for six years to suddenly decide to become Mr DIY once you've moved in is really unrealistic

This is who he is, unfortunately. If you want to live somewhere nice and harmonious it will be you who needs to make it so.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:23

No unfortunately we can't as I came from a 2 bed flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:24

@MoneyInTheBananaStand I don't mind making it a home as generally I think women are better at homemaking but I think it's fair for him to help. Which involves me giving him 'jobs'

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:26

@B0g My Son benefits the most from this situation. He really likes my partner and my partner is very good at doing boy stuff with both the kids- something my Son has never had. I know he's be really upset if we moved out.

OP posts:
OhMerde · 23/03/2023 19:38

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:24

@MoneyInTheBananaStand I don't mind making it a home as generally I think women are better at homemaking but I think it's fair for him to help. Which involves me giving him 'jobs'

This is a really dated way of looking at things. Plus, if you start framing him doing stuff as 'helping', then you're essentially saying they're your responsibility. Just to clarify though, do you mean everyday domestic tasks or one-off diy jobs?

pompei8309 · 23/03/2023 19:47

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 20:03

I did as our lives were becoming increasingly separate. He always wanted to live together. It was me who wanted to wait. My Son who is 14 loves it and is enjoying my partner help him with 'man' stuff and in having a male role model. His Son is also enjoying it. I thought the kids would be the problem but turns out it's us. I'm so disappointed

You have to give it a bit more time, it takes a while to adjust, he sounds like the 90% of the husbands on here anyway . Now you see 100% of him of course you won’t like everything, good luck

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:54

I mean one-off DIY jobs but as we've just moved in there is a lot to do and not easy fitting then Inbetween work and kids. The jobs aren't the issue as such it's his response to being asked to do things. He clearly does not like it. It's an issue as he feels like I'm bossing him about. Honestly I really don't think that's the case at all. He also agrees to stuff but then doesn't do it. Example- we agreed to not walk in house with shoes on, I clean floor most the time. He walks through house with shoes on every day. Sounds like small stuff but seeing as we've just moved in and trying to make this work stuff like this feels big.

OP posts:
B0g · 24/03/2023 07:51

Ok, well it sounds tedious but you're determined to stay in the boyfriends house so good luck with that. Have you set up anything at all to protect yourself financially or legally? Giving up your home without the legal protections of marriage doesn't sound amazing.

MsCunk · 24/03/2023 07:56

I guess some people would rather be in a relationship at all costs. 🤷🏼‍♀️

rcat74 · 24/03/2023 08:07

Living with someone is hard. It is a period of adjustment, especially if you have both been living on your own for a long time. You have told him what needs to change. What does he think? I don’t think he sounds horrible. Just overwhelmed and not used to doing things to someone else’s timetable. He also has two children now instead of one ( as do you) which demands more of his time.

Original poster
Motherhood86 · 24/03/2023 08:11

It is tedious, im not determined to stay. I'm feeling really worried it may have been a mistake. It's not an easy decision, I've invested almost 7 years with him and apart from these issues that have only really become apparent or been a problem since we moved in we do have a good relationship. It's very difficult to decide if these things are 'bad' enough to end relationship and let go of having a family.

OP posts:
Luckydip1 · 24/03/2023 08:13

You have to decide whether you can accept him the way he is. Nagging him will just annoy him and make matters worse.

Napmum · 24/03/2023 08:21

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 20:03

I did as our lives were becoming increasingly separate. He always wanted to live together. It was me who wanted to wait. My Son who is 14 loves it and is enjoying my partner help him with 'man' stuff and in having a male role model. His Son is also enjoying it. I thought the kids would be the problem but turns out it's us. I'm so disappointed

There sounds like there is a lot of good stuff that he has going for him. What kind of jobs is he putting off?

When my Mum moved in with my stepdad she realised that he wasn't the best cleaner. So he hired a cleaner and she paid for them as part of her contribution to the household (she didn't buy into his house straight away). He also hated DIY, so he would pay for people to come and do the odd jobs. Something to think about if you've both been managing on your own up until now.

The grumpiness and saying "fine, well do it your way" but not meaning it might be his reaction to emotional abuse or nagging in a previous relationship or even his mother. Not saying he was in abusive relationship per se but often, people can lash out at the ends of relationships. If this behaviour moatly seems to be around domestic situations, that would rxplain while you hardly saw it in 6 years and again makes it likely to do with the end of his previous relationship. I think you need to sit down with him, when hes in a good mood and tell him how happy you are with him and DS getting on but you've noticed That when X happens he'sreally grumpy, defensiveand dismissive ypu really like to worl put what's going on for him as you love him and he's always doing X around the house. Basically, sandwich the bad between two good points. Depending on how he is, it might take him a while to price's this information and realise you are right, he might want to see a counsellor or you could try couples counselling to see how you each trigger these situations and can support each other to avoid them. Full disclosure I am a counsellor but not a couples one, so I often suggest counselling but depending on the person's ability to self reflect, take on feedback and communicate it might not be needed.

Napmum · 24/03/2023 08:27

Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 17:36

We agreed to sort it, he wants it sorted as has struggled to do it. It's not the house that's pissing me off mainly it's more the fact that getting him to do stuff he agrees to and says he will do is just very difficult. He knows it's important to me as it will make daily life easier for us all. Being independent for so long and now needed to work with someone on daily life is challenging!

Oh, I should have read this before commenting! He might be struggling emotionally with all the changes. It is a lot when you're used to how it is. Keep prioritising and try to go slowly. My stepdad was terrible at this. Luckily, he had a caravan, so he dumped a load of stuff in there so Mum could move in her stuff. Is there a chance he could store some bits in the loft?

Try concentrating on the areas that you want sorting first. It might be the kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom, depending on what stuff you want to store and find easily and what would make your life less stressful. Could you have a small box room as your own to store stuff the way you like at least temporarily? Probably not, but maybe a nook?

The stuff about addressing his attitude still holds and it might be due to previous relationships or just struggling with his world being disrupted the same way you're struggling.