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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just moved in

82 replies

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:44

Hi everyone just wanted to ask some advice. Moved into my partners house a few weeks ago. We have been together for 6 years but lived separately due to us both being full time parents and didn't feel ready to blend.
We now have and the children seem to be coping very well but it's us that seem to have issues.
I've seen a totally new side to him moving in, trying to get stuff done in the house takes ages with him. He only seems to have energy for stuff he wants to do. He will do tasks but anything that takes a long time just gets put off. He is very moody too something I never noticed before or perhaps I did but didn't bother me much as we were not together night and day! I've noticed he seems quite selfish and mainly only interested in his hobbies etc. Also very childish in arguments, either shuts down or just says fine we will do it your way- but not meaning it at all.
I've not lived with a man before, not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:

MrLbz · 24/03/2023 08:45

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:54

I mean one-off DIY jobs but as we've just moved in there is a lot to do and not easy fitting then Inbetween work and kids. The jobs aren't the issue as such it's his response to being asked to do things. He clearly does not like it. It's an issue as he feels like I'm bossing him about. Honestly I really don't think that's the case at all. He also agrees to stuff but then doesn't do it. Example- we agreed to not walk in house with shoes on, I clean floor most the time. He walks through house with shoes on every day. Sounds like small stuff but seeing as we've just moved in and trying to make this work stuff like this feels big.

I'm confused. Is this a problem of him not getting on and making the house a proper home for you all or you nagging him about pointless things like taking his shoes off in his own house?

Aprilx · 24/03/2023 08:46

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 19:24

@MoneyInTheBananaStand I don't mind making it a home as generally I think women are better at homemaking but I think it's fair for him to help. Which involves me giving him 'jobs'

I was wondering if maybe you are difficult to live with and this post has made up my mind. You have been there three weeks and you have lists and are allocating jobs and have already “spoken to him” quite a few times. Could you not just be enjoying yourselves during this period and start to make the place yours (as well as his) gradually as you go. It is a big adjustment for all of you.

I have only ever lived with one man, my now husband, he moved into my flat initially. I think I would have been perturbed I immediately found myself with to do lists, being allocated jobs and had had a talking to about my slovenly ways several times within the first few weeks.

anythinginapinch · 24/03/2023 09:10

Don't under estimate the shock and horror of having, overnight, two people in a home he and his son have had alone for all those years. You are in his space. You're hiding his home and finding it wanting. You're telling him what to do in his own home.
Give the man time!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/03/2023 10:39

Motherhood86 · 24/03/2023 08:11

It is tedious, im not determined to stay. I'm feeling really worried it may have been a mistake. It's not an easy decision, I've invested almost 7 years with him and apart from these issues that have only really become apparent or been a problem since we moved in we do have a good relationship. It's very difficult to decide if these things are 'bad' enough to end relationship and let go of having a family.

I'd rather have a good relationship but living separately than a seething mess living together. What was so urgent about being all under one roof?

If you all must live together can you both sell up & buy a neutral home that is a fresh start for everyone?

Imnotachap · 24/03/2023 10:50

You've said he's moody and selfish. Run away whilst you can. This should be a joyful time and enhance your life. But instead you're sad and questioning it.

Dery · 24/03/2023 15:07

It is difficult but I’m inclining to this view of things:

“Don't under estimate the shock and horror of having, overnight, two people in a home he and his son have had alone for all those years. You are in his space. You're hiding his home and finding it wanting. You're telling him what to do in his own home.
Give the man time!”

And this:

“I was wondering if maybe you are difficult to live with and this post has made up my mind. You have been there three weeks and you have lists and are allocating jobs and have already “spoken to him” quite a few times. Could you not just be enjoying yourselves during this period and start to make the place yours (as well as his) gradually as you go. It is a big adjustment for all of you.”

You mention never having lived with another adult before. I think it shows. I think you may unreasonable expectations which seem to involve him making things exactly as you say they should be. It sounds like he’s getting a lot right where it really counts such as with your son but you’re focusing on what he’s getting wrong. If you really can’t bear the new place then move out again - I know there’s time pressure around being able to return to your old place - but it doesn’t really sound like you’ve given the new arrangements a proper try.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 24/03/2023 18:25

@Dery thank you for your reply. I do feel that maybe I'm part the problem and tbh hoped I was. I don't want to move out but I need to feel like my needs are important. I haven't given it a proper chance, I'm panicking as I feel under pressure to decide If this is going to work or not. The stakes are high as we have been in a relationship for 6 plus years and there are children involved.

OP posts:

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