Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Just moved in

82 replies

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:44

Hi everyone just wanted to ask some advice. Moved into my partners house a few weeks ago. We have been together for 6 years but lived separately due to us both being full time parents and didn't feel ready to blend.
We now have and the children seem to be coping very well but it's us that seem to have issues.
I've seen a totally new side to him moving in, trying to get stuff done in the house takes ages with him. He only seems to have energy for stuff he wants to do. He will do tasks but anything that takes a long time just gets put off. He is very moody too something I never noticed before or perhaps I did but didn't bother me much as we were not together night and day! I've noticed he seems quite selfish and mainly only interested in his hobbies etc. Also very childish in arguments, either shuts down or just says fine we will do it your way- but not meaning it at all.
I've not lived with a man before, not sure what to make of it.

OP posts:

neilyoungismyhero · 22/03/2023 14:25

Motherhood86 · 21/03/2023 19:56

I have spoken to him about it a good few times since we moved in. Nothing really changes. He acknowledges his faults and understands. Says the right stuff but doesn't really follow through for long. I feel like I'm nagging now constantly.

Live close by visit often.
Maybe cut your losses.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/03/2023 15:32

Agree. I'd cut losses and move home.

Why did you move into his disorganized house instead of your well-appointed one?

TomatoSandwiches · 22/03/2023 15:36

I would move, it's really horrible Iiving with someone who is the complete opposite in terms of how you like to live and standards at home.
He's not bothered about what is important to you only his interests, he is selfish, he won't change.

GoodChat · 22/03/2023 15:40

I think you should just chill out a little. You knew his house was chaotic before you moved in. Did you agree it would need to be sorted or are you just trying to make your mark?

That's not a bad thing but it has only been a few weeks.

Try and just enjoy spending more time together.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 22/03/2023 17:36

We agreed to sort it, he wants it sorted as has struggled to do it. It's not the house that's pissing me off mainly it's more the fact that getting him to do stuff he agrees to and says he will do is just very difficult. He knows it's important to me as it will make daily life easier for us all. Being independent for so long and now needed to work with someone on daily life is challenging!

OP posts:

iamenough2023 · 22/03/2023 17:39

Problem is OP you cannot "make yourself" to be laid back, you either are or you are not. Like some of the posters pointed out, this may work for some people, but it clearly does not for you. Does not matter what I or any one of us here think, what matters is you. I would say, if these things annoy you now it will only get worse. I would talk to him first and be very honest about what it is that bothers you but I will tell you, I do not believe that he will change, not permanently. Good luck op.

Luckydip1 · 22/03/2023 19:14

This does show you can't really tell what someone is like until you live with them. Maybe you have different energy levels and would be better off with different people for whom you are better matched.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 22/03/2023 19:28

I would listen to that gut feeling and get the hell out, whilst you still can.
You can still have a relationship,.just not stuck with him and his selfish ways.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/03/2023 09:52

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 22/03/2023 19:28

I would listen to that gut feeling and get the hell out, whilst you still can.
You can still have a relationship,.just not stuck with him and his selfish ways.

This.

Don't give up your own space.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 10:07

We couldn't stay together if I moved out. He wants a family and living apart is not ideally what I want. I'm just not sure if I'm asking for too much, don't want to give up what otherwise is a very good relationship. Like I said I've not lived with a man before, my friends say there all a bit childish.

OP posts:

qpmz · 23/03/2023 10:18

You say you've never lived with a man but didn't you live with the father of your son at some point?

Could you choose a new home together and make a fresh start instead of living at his place where old habits lie?

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 10:57

Thanks for reply, no didn't live with my son's father. At the moment he is saving for a mortgage so we can't move.

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 23/03/2023 11:07

No, you aren't asking too much.

When you first move in together there's usually an element of 'honeymoon' period while everyone's on their best behaviour but in your case, it's gone wrong immediately. It's likely to get worse from here, not better.

And you know you aren't happy already, so if you stick around there's a very good chance you'll just get less and less happy. And it will be harder to disrupt your son and his, the longer it's gone on. Better to make the call now than leave it.

It doesn't have to be a criticism of him.... just that you've realised you aren't compatible in terms of living together and the sensible thing to do is to deal with it rather than continue getting more and more unhappy and ending up hating each other.

Your gut was telling you it was too soon, and you were right.

If this means the end of the relationship, that might be sad, but it's a 1000 times better than sticking with it despite all the warning signs that you're going to be unhappy.

Luckydip1 · 23/03/2023 11:54

Exactly, rather than thinking he is useless and lazy and should be doing more think of it in terms of you not being compatible. He will NOT change and nor will you!

Pixiedust1234 · 23/03/2023 11:55

Move out. He is disrespecting you by agreeing to do stuff and then not doing it. Hes shutting you up by agreeing and when you (rightfully) ask him to do stuff he agreed to do it results in arguments. Now you have started to stop arguing so he wins.

Its classic manipulation to get you to behave, to have no voice, to defer to him in everything, to feel like you are walking on eggshells...

Get out while you can.

Seaweed42 · 23/03/2023 11:59

"Ive noticed he doesn't remember much/any of what's going on in my life and weekly plans that affect him. It's feeling a bit like having another child."

Otherwise known as 'being married to a man'.

Seaweed42 · 23/03/2023 12:07

I guess before you moved in, you probably saw him a lot when your son wasn't there maybe?

So your partner likely had your full undivided attention doted upon him and you didn't press your needs up on him.

Therefore it's a very very different dynamic in the relationship with the two of you and the two kids there.

Also if you are in his house, in his space, he's not tolerating sharing that very much.
Something that only comes to light when it actually happens.
You need to have an honest conversation about what's occurring for both of you.

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 12:52

Thanks for reply @perfectcolourfound I just feel stupid if I don't give it a little longer but I know it will be harder longer it goes on. We are both used to being on our own so I guess I feel he could adapt a little once he is used to having someone to answer to. This was such a huge step for us all I feel giving up after 2 weeks may be too hasty. At the same time I agree that people don't change. Confused 😕

OP posts:

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 12:56

Thanks @Seaweed42 Its exactly that, before it was all hanging out and date nights. Now I want/need him to do stuff. He sees it as demanding, I see it as normal life. Ive aired my concerns a good few times. He feels like I need to be in control and I'm relentless with picking out stuff I don't like that he's doing. He doesn't do that with me but I think that's because I'm hearing what he says and making an effort. I don't think he is. But again I don't know if this is normal living together stuff that we just need to iron out or I'm forever going to feel let down and frustrated.

OP posts:

ALLIS0N · 23/03/2023 12:58

From what you’ve said I don’t see how it can work. You knew that he was chaotic / messy / disorganised / a bit lazy before you moved in. Did you think you could change him ? Or did you think that you would get used to living the way he does ?

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 13:00

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 I understand what you mean and do feel disrespected. He's not a nasty man though and feel like what he's doing is more out of not wanting to change his ways and laziness.

OP posts:

MsCunk · 23/03/2023 13:01

Why are you OK with the fact he doesn't respect your feelings? Why do you feel like you're the only one who needs to change in order to create a happy home?

Rarar · 23/03/2023 13:10

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 13:00

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 I understand what you mean and do feel disrespected. He's not a nasty man though and feel like what he's doing is more out of not wanting to change his ways and laziness.

But even so he's clearly not willing/able to change or he'd be making more effort, particularly in these first few weeks. He should absolutely be meeting you halfway and wanting you to feel welcome, considered and included in his home and life but instead you're feeling like this.

Broken promises are an issue too, if he agreed to do the jobs which need doing in order for you to feel at home and is now going back on that I would be worried about what else he will promise and then fail to deliver. It's not unreasonable for you to be holding him to what he agreed to and it's worrying that you're being made to feel otherwise.

Throwncrumbs · 23/03/2023 13:10

Don’t have a baby with this man…. It will be so much worse trying to get him to do anything, knowing what I know now I would never have given up up my home(although we did buy together) for some blokes empty promises!

Original poster

Motherhood86 · 23/03/2023 13:11

@MsCunk thanks for your reply. I don't feel like I have to change. I am wondering if I'm being over the top with it all. If other men or women are like this and it's something to put up with rather than break what otherwise is a good relationship.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4