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Original poster

Are affairs common ?

440 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 10:16

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

OP posts:
uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 17:49

Thewookiemustgo · 22/03/2023 17:48

I think the married APs are 100% responsible for their vows to their spouses, and not keeping them, yes.
But I still think that knowingly sleeping with anyone in a monogamous relationship and being their ‘secret’ is a morally reprehensible thing to do, regardless of your own relationship status. To say their marriage is nothing to do with you or none of your business is ridiculous, it becomes something to do with you the second you agree to put yourself into an affair with the married person. If it’s nothing to do with you then better to keep out of it, just as the married AP should absolutely have seen where it was going and kept away from you.
Just because you are doing something wrong with someone who has more obligation to others involved than you, doesn’t absolve you of any responsibilities or excuse what you are doing.
Turning a blind eye to the morality of somebody else’s situation and decisions just because their obligation doesn’t apply to you doesn’t make turning the blind eye right.

Yes, I completely agree.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 17:52

I asked if you think you're "absolved of any moral responsibility", quoting you, but really I should have asked if you think you are absolved of all moral responsibility.

You've got it totally arse about face, though. If the MM just kept his promise, you wouldn't ever have to think about MadeForFun's morals or try to get her to question them to guilt her in or out of anything. They wouldn't matter because he'd never have her even if she was available. As it is, married dude is out for fun, so now you're turning to her to be his gatekeeper. When the situation would never arise if he just chose to keep it in his pants.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 17:56

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 17:52

I asked if you think you're "absolved of any moral responsibility", quoting you, but really I should have asked if you think you are absolved of all moral responsibility.

You've got it totally arse about face, though. If the MM just kept his promise, you wouldn't ever have to think about MadeForFun's morals or try to get her to question them to guilt her in or out of anything. They wouldn't matter because he'd never have her even if she was available. As it is, married dude is out for fun, so now you're turning to her to be his gatekeeper. When the situation would never arise if he just chose to keep it in his pants.

What a load of rubbish. His gatekeeper? No. @MadeForFun has done some actions and I'm asking her about her moral responsibility for them. Simple. If she wants to bring the man to Mumsnet I can also put some questions his way. I know that is a particular sticking point for you.

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 18:05

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 17:52

I asked if you think you're "absolved of any moral responsibility", quoting you, but really I should have asked if you think you are absolved of all moral responsibility.

You've got it totally arse about face, though. If the MM just kept his promise, you wouldn't ever have to think about MadeForFun's morals or try to get her to question them to guilt her in or out of anything. They wouldn't matter because he'd never have her even if she was available. As it is, married dude is out for fun, so now you're turning to her to be his gatekeeper. When the situation would never arise if he just chose to keep it in his pants.

If only it was a s black and white as that though.

Many times the ow is used and lied to, they fall prey to the compliments to get free sex and have their lives put on hold for many years in some cases.
False promises and false intentions, many believe these convienient men are just that convienient until they wake up and find they are all alone in later life with no companion and few support systems if it goes wrong.

They cannot gain sucour from society, they are derided and persecuted if they require sympathy, they become outcasts and suffer mental health problems, the men it seems seem to cope far better.

The amount of posts on here where ow wake up and smell the coffee are quite numerable, it's a way of life an ow sells as idealistic at the time of the high, but the fall can be devastating for them.

But as Rene says you can't blame the men as the women are equal and only having their sexual liberation rights seen to, unfortunately these rights seem to go out of the window when they are discarded.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/03/2023 18:30

Totally agree that if the MM had kept his promise we wouldn’t have to ever think about Madeforfun’s morals, absolutely. It is his responsibility to keep his vows and his alone, nobody should be policing his behaviour except himself. But Madeforfun has shown up here and is apparently showing no empathy for other people, or feeling a moral obligation to try to live a life which does not hurt others and seems totally unapologetic for doing so. Both parties in an affair should police their own morals and values, not just the one who is married, irrespective of gender.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 18:59

Thewookiemustgo · 22/03/2023 18:30

Totally agree that if the MM had kept his promise we wouldn’t have to ever think about Madeforfun’s morals, absolutely. It is his responsibility to keep his vows and his alone, nobody should be policing his behaviour except himself. But Madeforfun has shown up here and is apparently showing no empathy for other people, or feeling a moral obligation to try to live a life which does not hurt others and seems totally unapologetic for doing so. Both parties in an affair should police their own morals and values, not just the one who is married, irrespective of gender.

I'm sorry if it's come across as me just showing up and rubbing everyone's nose in it. That wasn't my intention. OP who started this thread (and I'm sure probably regrets it now Grin) asked a question about affairs. I gave my opinion and experience. I've since tried to answer questions as best I can.

I don't know what else to say. I'm not completely devoid of empathy. Of course if this affair was made public and his wife and kids were hurt by it, I would absolutely feel empathy for them. I don't like to see anyone upset or hurt. I wouldn't however feel guilty in the sense that I had caused her hurt or anguish. In my particular scenario, he pursued me. Not the other way around.

He would be the one responsible for his wife's upset.

Thedarkestblue · 22/03/2023 19:01

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 17:52

I asked if you think you're "absolved of any moral responsibility", quoting you, but really I should have asked if you think you are absolved of all moral responsibility.

You've got it totally arse about face, though. If the MM just kept his promise, you wouldn't ever have to think about MadeForFun's morals or try to get her to question them to guilt her in or out of anything. They wouldn't matter because he'd never have her even if she was available. As it is, married dude is out for fun, so now you're turning to her to be his gatekeeper. When the situation would never arise if he just chose to keep it in his pants.

All of this. Same with pp alleged moral responsibility for the sexual health of the wife. It’s the husband who is introducing ( literally) any (notional) disease to his wife by inserting his genitalia into his wife.

I really don’t see it as anything other than blatant misogyny that PP is being hounded and held to account for all things, whilst there’s whistling silence about the husband’s responsibility, even though he is the one who could have kept his wife safe in every way by simply remaining honest and faithful.

The only person who can give his wife an acquired STD is him, after all. (Assuming his wife is faithful).

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 19:10

*don't know what else to say. I'm not completely devoid of empathy. Of
course if this affair was made public and his wife and kids were hurt by
it, I would absolutely feel empathy for them. *

You can only feel empathy if the affair became public ?

Ok.

**

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:13

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 19:10

*don't know what else to say. I'm not completely devoid of empathy. Of
course if this affair was made public and his wife and kids were hurt by
it, I would absolutely feel empathy for them. *

You can only feel empathy if the affair became public ?

Ok.

**

What do I have to feel empathy for right now?

His wife isnt aware of what's going on. She is not in any suffering as a result of her husbands affair. Nor does he intend for her to.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 19:14

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:13

What do I have to feel empathy for right now?

His wife isnt aware of what's going on. She is not in any suffering as a result of her husbands affair. Nor does he intend for her to.

Show quote history

For how she will feel in the future.

Thedarkestblue · 22/03/2023 19:14

In fact, I really do think trying to hold OW responsible for the sexual health of a third party they have never had sex with, shows up the utter absurdity of trying to hold other women to account for effects of the husband’s choices and behaviour.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:15

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 19:14

For how she will feel in the future.

Show quote history

I can't predict the future. She might never find out.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 19:16

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:15

I can't predict the future. She might never find out.

Show quote history

No, nobody can, can they. She might find out.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:18

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 19:16

No, nobody can, can they. She might find out.

Show quote history

She might, and if she does then I would absolutely feel empathy towards her. But I'm still not responsible for it.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 19:19

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:18

She might, and if she does then I would absolutely feel empathy towards her. But I'm still not responsible for it.

Show quote history

We've moved past responsibility and onto empathy. But yeah, okay.

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 19:37

She might, and if she does then I would absolutely feel empathy towards her. But I'm still not responsible for it.

Why would you feel empathy for her ?
What's changed ?

**

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:44

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 19:37

She might, and if she does then I would absolutely feel empathy towards her. But I'm still not responsible for it.

Why would you feel empathy for her ?
What's changed ?

**

I would feel empathy at her feeling sad, hurt, anger.

What's changed is she's not experiencing those things now, and might never.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 20:08

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 19:44

I would feel empathy at her feeling sad, hurt, anger.

What's changed is she's not experiencing those things now, and might never.

Show quote history

You're going to wait until she is hurt and "sad" ("distraught" might be closer to the mark) before you feel empathy rather than feeling empathy now and adjusting your behaviour accordingly, perhaps to avoid her being hurt and feeling sad?

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 20:12

What's changed is she's not experiencing those things now, and might never.

High probability of her experiencing paranoia, gaslighting, suspition, confusion, neglect, self esteem issues and tiredness due to a pre occupied husband who likes looking at your private parts.

These hobbies take time.

And the longer it goes on the harder it will be to conceal, can you really trust him enough to be clever enough to keep it covert forever. He may slip up and then you may be in danger or your children, his wife may become unstable, there's nothing like a woman scorned .

I certainly wouldn't put myself in danger or my children.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 20:16

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 20:08

You're going to wait until she is hurt and "sad" ("distraught" might be closer to the mark) before you feel empathy rather than feeling empathy now and adjusting your behaviour accordingly, perhaps to avoid her being hurt and feeling sad?

Show quote history

Why do I need to feel empathy towards something that hasn't, and might never, happen?

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 20:17

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 20:12

What's changed is she's not experiencing those things now, and might never.

High probability of her experiencing paranoia, gaslighting, suspition, confusion, neglect, self esteem issues and tiredness due to a pre occupied husband who likes looking at your private parts.

These hobbies take time.

And the longer it goes on the harder it will be to conceal, can you really trust him enough to be clever enough to keep it covert forever. He may slip up and then you may be in danger or your children, his wife may become unstable, there's nothing like a woman scorned .

I certainly wouldn't put myself in danger or my children.

That's a lot of assumptions.

There's nothing in my mind to say she's experiencing any of those things.

And to say, she is at risk of becoming mentally unstable? Really??

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 20:25

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 20:16

Why do I need to feel empathy towards something that hasn't, and might never, happen?

Show quote history

We have different understandings of empathy, so it seems. I'm sure it is possible to have empathy for how somebody might feel in the future. I don't think one can only have empathy for what is going on right now, in this current minute.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 20:30

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 20:25

We have different understandings of empathy, so it seems. I'm sure it is possible to have empathy for how somebody might feel in the future. I don't think one can only have empathy for what is going on right now, in this current minute.

Show quote history

So, if someone you care about announces their engagement say, do you feel empathy for them because there's a chance in future that they might split up?

If someone announces their pregnancy, do you feel sorry for them in case something happens to the baby?

I'd have thought in normal circumstances, these things don't cross your mind until they happen (if they ever do).

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 20:40

If only it was a s black and white as that though.

It is. Married people keep their promises, boom, fidelity intact. It literally requires nothing else.

As for the rest, I'm not subjecting myself to any more of your reeking misogyny. It's offensive.

UsedtogodownNevins · 22/03/2023 20:43

NC for this. I had an affair. Was in a loveless, cold, controlling marriage. Had an affair with a good looking, funny man on my wavelength. It opened my eyes to what a real relationship with a normal man felt like. It didn't last but it gave me the courage to end my marriage. And I picked my now partner with more knowledge.

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