Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

None of the two posters I quoted have said I'm absolved of any moral responsibility. All I'm agreeing with is "men should be 100% responsible for where they put their dicks", and "not all affairs are personal".

Men are 100% responsible for the affair, I assume is what's meant by "responsible for where they put their dicks"?

It's somebody saying you don't have any moral responsibility to behave in a certain way, so go ahead and continue sleeping with your married man

You say a married man is 100% responsible for his commitment, and this is what people hear.

Why exactly are people so desperate to hold women accountable for a man?

You know the world is full of sexual opportunity. That's literally why the promise was made. You can't change that. You'll never create a world where no extramarital sexual opportunity exists. You knew you couldn't. All you could do was make a commitment with someone who promised to forego it.

So when he reneges on that, blame him. You already knew the outside world existed. He swore to you he'd keep it out and he didn't. It'll never stop existing, but he chose to let it in.

Married people are 100percent responsible for their own fidelity to their spouse, yes. So a married man is 100 percent responsible for his fidelity. For the simple reason that no one can make him have sex or a relationship with them. He has to actively choose that.

I suggest you go back and read @ReneBumsWombats post then you would know what I'm referring to. I'm agreeing that when a man (or woman, it doesn't really matter) promises to be monogamous, then it's their responsibility to make sure they live up to that promise.

Yes. Of course they are (and married women if they stray).

The only reason there was anything to betray in the first place was because of his promise. It's on him. If you can trust him, it doesn't matter what anyone else does.

Thinking about it, thousands of years of sexually repressing women and coming up with zillions of dirty slurs, moralistic ire and social consequences for them

I think you’re forgetting all name callings (frigid, prude, cold, bitch, man hater, just to name a few) if woman didn’t want/have sex.
And not to forget maritial rape being legal and ’wifely duty’.
Women never have been allowed to make their own choices.

Yes I think they are common

So do you think you are or are not "absolved of any moral responsibility"?

That's all part of the repression.

None of it stopped men from being able to cheat. It only ever limited women's options, as you say.

Yet men carried on finding women to cheat with.

So maybe putting the onus 100% on the man who made the promise is worth trying. Repressing and blaming women for having sex or not having sex hasn't worked and we've given that a lot of time.

I don't think it's my moral responsibility to prevent him from having an affair, no. That's his choice to make.

If ow were really convinced they were doing nothing wrong during an affair then they would not aid and abet by concealing their behaviour.

If you are all so sure of your inocence contact your ap's wives today and say loud and proud "I am in no way at fault for your husband shagging me"

Tell family and friends, tell your children, tell your employers, tell who you want but you won't because it's morally unaceptable.

You are nothing but cowards in life.

I won't contact my AP's wife because their marriage is none of my concern.

I won't tell my friends or family because it's none of their business who I'm sleeping with.

He is my secret, and I am his. That is the arrangement we both want.

*I won't contact my AP's wife because their marriage is none of my concern.

I won't tell my friends or family because it's none of their business who I'm sleeping with.*

If you like women so much, give her a call, inform her of your sexual health seeing as you share her husband's dick.
I,m sure she'd like to know you have a clean bill of health.

But you won't because you are frightened of her and societies dissaproval.

I don't appreciate the insinuation about my sexual health, or the assumptions you continue to make about how I'm feeling/what I'm thinking. I've quite clearly said it's none of my concern.

I'm sorry but you're just proving pp's point that it's woman who automatically have to shoulder the blame for a man's wrongdoings. Why would she be so interested in my sexual health, and not her husbands? You know, the one who is actually married to her.

How do you mean it’s part of repression?
I’m not being funny, I genuinely didn’t know this.

Insulting, deriding and punishing women for not having sex is every bit as repressive as insulting, deriding and punishing them for having sex.

@uhOhOP unless I’ve read it wrong you seem to think I was writing about excusing then behaviour in some way. I absolutely was not saying that any of what I said is an excuse or makes it ok. It is never, ever ok. It’s totally inexcusable and reprehensible.
The point I was answering was about whether it is personal or not, and how affairs work. I doubt many OW have affairs to personally attack the betrayed partner, most of the time they don’t even know them, they just want to be with their AP and prefer not to think about stuff that might get in the way of their conscience, like thinking about how that betrayed partner would feel. They depersonalise it to try to excuse it with stuff like “His/ her partner has got nothing to do with me, what he/ she does when they go home is up to them “ etc etc. How very convenient to not have to think about in reality being a willing accomplice in all of it. Appalling.
I can’t for the life of me imagine enjoying shagging somebody else’s partner whilst knowing all the while that if that person knew, it would rip the guts out of them and shatter their whole life. Just because we don’t know someone personally doesn’t mean we can just shrug and say to ourselves “I don’t owe them anything.” We owe society and our own friends and family decent people, it doesn’t matter who we owe what to, we should treat each other with kindness. That’s idealistic, granted, but it’s not a bad ideal to aspire to. Most people would agree with the ‘be kind’ movement, yet some would rather it was on a selective basis. Maybe you must have to convince yourself it’s nothing to do with you, or perhaps demonise the partner in some way, (he/she is crazy/ neglectful etc), or else totally block it out somehow.
It’s a bloody awful way to behave.
I did not mean to imply that the fact that depersonalisation is part of how it works, excuses any of it. It’s absolutely a shitty thing to be a part of, and an abusive way to treat anyone, whether it’s intended as a personal attack or not. No excuses at all.

I've already responded to the private message you sent me earlier. I'm not your ex wife.

Another interesting way of phrasing something. You are the person who said they "fell into an affair", aren't you? You were picked up on that and you conceded that that's not exactly the right way to put it.

And here again you say you're not responsible to prevent him from having an affair, but that's not what I asked, is it? I asked if you think you're "absolved of any moral responsibility", quoting you, but really I should have asked if you think you are absolved of all moral responsibility. It's not his behaviour I'm asking about, it's yours. You make a choice as much as he does, after all.

I'm not suggesting you have a duty to all women, or whatever it is our friend @ReneBumsWombats is going to pipe up with. I just thought that probably most people have it in them to want to treat other people in ways that won't hurt them. Well, I suppose it's empathy, isn't it? It doesn't take much except a brief thought of "would I be happy to see my mother or my wife treated in this way? Would I want them to feel what this person might be feeling?", whatever "treated in this way" means in any given situation.

Well, I think your sexual health is kind of now her business. You're fucking her husband, aren't you? As is she, we can assume. So...

I think the married APs are 100% responsible for their vows to their spouses, and not keeping them, yes.
But I still think that knowingly sleeping with anyone in a monogamous relationship and being their ‘secret’ is a morally reprehensible thing to do, regardless of your own relationship status. To say their marriage is nothing to do with you or none of your business is ridiculous, it becomes something to do with you the second you agree to put yourself into an affair with the married person. If it’s nothing to do with you then better to keep out of it, just as the married AP should absolutely have seen where it was going and kept away from you.
Just because you are doing something wrong with someone who has more obligation to others involved than you, doesn’t absolve you of any responsibilities or excuse what you are doing.
Turning a blind eye to the morality of somebody else’s situation and decisions just because their obligation doesn’t apply to you doesn’t make turning the blind eye right.

It's the biggest con ow have for excusing themselves of guilt.

The emancipation of women through having sex with who the f... they want.

They are no more feminists than Benny Hill, load of codswallop.

If I were in a female commune I know which type of women I'd rather have at my side and it wouldn't be a load of ow.

And yes you are a type, and yes unfortunately for you, you are judged by other females, not just men.

My solidarity to females includes not shaging other peoples husbands, I don't know what cause you're on but please don't help us wives out anymore.