Was this cruel or just honest

[AnyaMarx]

Back story.
Started seeing a guy last year in may . Not my usual type .
We dated once and I said he was friend zoned . He was studenty, lanky , science teacher type , hippy , unconventional.
He was really quite manipulative and told me that had made him cry because he really liked me etc , and we started hanging out , relationship developed and I really came to like him . The sex was very good . He told me he was diagnosed with ASD as were his kids . I met them . Things were quite intense then one day he just dropped me . Said he realised he didn't actually have any real feelings for me at all and had just craved the comfort and stability of a relationship. He had been using hook up sites and swinging sites previously He was going into therapy And that was that . He got embroiled in another relationship quickly and we stopped any communication. He also told me I wasn't dynamic enough for him and didn't have enough outside interests or enough friends for him to benefit from a relationship with me . This actually hurt me more than I expected.

A year almost on he messaged to say he is newly single and would I like "casual sex" from time to time . That he is reaching out to "nice" people to "have his needs met while he has more therapy and seeks a new relationship!

After picking my jaw up off the floor given the sheer brass neck , I did briefly consider it . (Only because the sex at the time was good and quite eye opening!)

But I sent him a message back saying initially I friend zoned him , and I was seemingly right . That he had misled and used me , and that the more I know the less attractive I find him . I said I think all you need is an alternative to a wank , and I will not be reduced to that . That I am comfortable in my own skin , and that he would actually make my skin crawl now knowing what I know . That I need to find someone attractive to even consider having sex with them , and I do not find him remotely attractive and no - I do not want casual sex from time to time . I find him a turn off .

I am not usually cruel - but he appears to need thing's spelling out on the most basic level there is - as he did with me when telling me his feelings for me were fake and dropping me like a hot brick .

He actually responded with "ok fair enough x". !

I know the bigger person thing to do would have been no response but , he had really hurt my feelings and this felt like insult added to injury.

Ive remained single as I just felt dating was pointless. (I'd had a lot of dates to that point and I then decided to concentrate on myself , my own happiness, hobbies , friends and forget about trying for anything romantic) he really made me question my own life at that point - why wasn't I dynamic, with more hobbies . I had my career , and friends , but he made me feel boring and dull.

Ive worked on this for the past year developing social circles , hobbies , etc .

My previous messages to him (until I asked him what he wanted an why he had got back in touch ) were pleasant and friendly.

But he has wound me up and I couldn't resist telling him a few home truths.

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold . And it actually felt rather good .

I think ‘lol…no thanks’ would have said all of the above but without revealing just how much he got (and still remains) under your skin.

He doesn't seem to be remotely bothered so I wouldn't worry.

You seem to be struggling with it though, so maybe talking it through with someone would be beneficial.

I'm fine actually. I made a decision to stop dating and it was a blessed relief!

He wouldn't have got "lol no thanks " and it made me feel better !

You just showed him he could still get to you... 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

No you don’t sound over it at all and the fact that you wanted to hurt him shows that, as does the fact you’ve given up on dating.

Since it made you feel better, then it was the right thing to do 😊

Sounds like he was a headfuck and was trying to reel you back in for another go round. Well done on not falling for it.

I'd block him from now on.

You told him what you thought of him. No problem with that at all.
he’s not bothered

done and dusted all round!!

He did hurt me .

But I have made peace with not dating - I go out often , with friends of both sexes .

Taken up hobbies that I love .

And feel happy in myself . I'm middle aged and dating just isn't for me . I think he misled me dreadfully and I was a bit gullible at the time . I was 3 years out of a relationship with someone I thought was my one .

Before that I'd been married for a very long time .

I have no intention of communicating with him further .

And I'm not sure about this "not letting him see he got to you" thing - as long as you're clear on never going back there and it's the last word on it, why shouldn't he know you think he's been a dick?

This! Did you actually say to him 'I've friend zoned you' ?!

If it made you feel good then no harm done. I’d not have went so far , he’s not worth the head space and I think you’ve just shown him you care very deeply.. but if you’re not going to communicate further, then it’s fine.

I don’t think you sound happy though, a happy person wouldn’t have felt they needed to write all that , it’s been a year, but you’re still not over it.

I think it's fine, and you've said it now, so no point over thinking. Just block him now and don't communicate with him again.

And while he turned out to be a bit of a dick in the end, but...

We dated once and I said he was friend zoned

Damn, that is just brutal...

He isn't friend zoned now - he's nothing to me now . I find him odd and creepy.

Back after our first date , he rang to ask how I thought it had gone . And I said I thought we could be friends but nothing more . We had similar tastes in music and comedy (a little unusual I suppose ) and it d felt our politics and values lined up but I hadn't found him attractive.

He went all out then I think and I got reeled in . He was good at mirroring, he appeared to be self aware , he was a classic future faker and my shark cage wasn't good ! He also has a job I respected and helped kids in need - I found that endearing at the time .

We've had no contact for almost a year . I had blocked him but he messaged on a new phone number .

I aren't going to be drawn into a conversation with him and he clearly needs to sort himself out but I won't be part of that . I actually am over it . And the truth is I wouldn't find him remotely attractive now . Too "alternative " for me . And just too fucked up . And a CF .

I didn't put it like that

He rang to ask how the date went and I said I liked him but thiught we could have a friendship more than a relationship.

He then said later that had made him cry because I was "the best person held met"

I'd say I was being honest and he was being a manipulative dick even then .

You both sound oddly mean spirited. I can’t even imagine telling someone “you’re friend zoned.”

both your communications and his are so strangely similar in ridiculous ways I can’t imagine people actually communicating, I find myself wondering for the very first time on mumsnet how this can possibly be real.

unless it’s a new style I don’t know about, where saying the most blunt rude thing one can possibly say is now acceptable, this is so odd and I’d say you were well matched.

but yeah. Cheeky and rude. Maybe polish up your own interpersonal relations, and you’ll attract better?

As I have explained - I didn't just tell him he was friend zoned !

He asked for a second date and I said I felt we had got along but I didn't see it going further than friendship. I was trying not to lead him on !

Then he said he had cried at that because I was the best person he'd met blah blah and I ended up spending time with him and things progressed .

That is not my communication style !

If anything Ice always been a pathetic people pleaser who can't say no .

And now I can . It's only taken 51 years .

People here just do not read do they ? They leap to conclusions and quickly use them to stamp on the post like it's some game of top trumps .

I've been on this site since 2008 . I change names now regularly.

OP, I suspect you were hoping for “you go girl!” types of responses here, but I don’t think you’re covering yourself in glory here.

He sounds awful, but not awful enough for you to not become over-invested.

Why did you meet his children?

I think this is taking up too much headspace for you. You're happy with your life now, so just block him and move on.

I don't understand why saying you're friendzoned is cruel. Op and her ex said far worse to each other and that bit is what stuck out to you?
I don't think it was cruel, you both seem very vindictive and dramatic in how you express yourselves. You both insult each other very deeply and personally, character assassination galore! Perhaps you're more suited than you give him credit.

Why did I meet his children?

Because we were spending a lot of time together and we were in a relationship and he has his kids 50% of the time .

I was staying there half the week and he was at mine the other half - so it seemed natural to meet the children who are teens .

It's not like we were getting it in in front them !
I was introduced as a friend . We went bowling and had some days out . We are a few meals together and they met my pets .
Things were progressing as a relationship.

My children are adults . His were teenagers living with him 50% days f the time . It didn't occur to me that it was odd to meet them ?
He was talking about a future together at that time .

As I've said .

I am a people pleaser and I do not ever say no , or didn't
I was always scared to hurt anyone's feelings.
I didn't tell him "you are friend zoned "

I have explained that conversation.

He is autistic and does not understand subtleties- so this time I have spelt it out and for once did not feel bad doing so .

I have allowed men to walk on me my entire life .
My last relationship was abusive and I took it . I took everything. Until one day I work up and walked out with a suitcase.

And then I spent 3 years single to work on myself .

I realised dating was not for me after this man did what he did and I stopped seeing people romantically.

I had kept faith throughout my life that I may find a nice decent man - and I thought he was .

And now I don't .
And so I told him .

And I'm staying single and I'm ok with that choice and I'm actually ok with what I said .
We wont speak again . Maybe if I'd learned to speak up before 51 my life may have been different.

I don't know why I felt I needed validation from a bunch of people who do t know me on an internet forum .
I don't .

Thanks anyway . I think the more I try and explain the more hurt I feel because I'm a bloody earth mother , do
Anything for anyone type . Never say no . Never say if someone hurts me or feel taken advantage of . And this is one time I e turned around and said fuck off you cheeky fucker and it felt good .

So there we go .

@AnyaMarx
He seems similar to Sheldon Cooper from big bang theory

God no sheldon was cute !

My eldest is a sheldon. Maybe that's why I gave that loser a chance .

I like quirky people generally. If they're nice.