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Original poster

Was this cruel or just honest

83 replies

AnyaMarx · 20/03/2023 20:46

Back story.
Started seeing a guy last year in may . Not my usual type .
We dated once and I said he was friend zoned . He was studenty, lanky , science teacher type , hippy , unconventional.
He was really quite manipulative and told me that had made him cry because he really liked me etc , and we started hanging out , relationship developed and I really came to like him . The sex was very good . He told me he was diagnosed with ASD as were his kids . I met them . Things were quite intense then one day he just dropped me . Said he realised he didn't actually have any real feelings for me at all and had just craved the comfort and stability of a relationship. He had been using hook up sites and swinging sites previously He was going into therapy And that was that . He got embroiled in another relationship quickly and we stopped any communication. He also told me I wasn't dynamic enough for him and didn't have enough outside interests or enough friends for him to benefit from a relationship with me . This actually hurt me more than I expected.

A year almost on he messaged to say he is newly single and would I like "casual sex" from time to time . That he is reaching out to "nice" people to "have his needs met while he has more therapy and seeks a new relationship!

After picking my jaw up off the floor given the sheer brass neck , I did briefly consider it . (Only because the sex at the time was good and quite eye opening!)

But I sent him a message back saying initially I friend zoned him , and I was seemingly right . That he had misled and used me , and that the more I know the less attractive I find him . I said I think all you need is an alternative to a wank , and I will not be reduced to that . That I am comfortable in my own skin , and that he would actually make my skin crawl now knowing what I know . That I need to find someone attractive to even consider having sex with them , and I do not find him remotely attractive and no - I do not want casual sex from time to time . I find him a turn off .

I am not usually cruel - but he appears to need thing's spelling out on the most basic level there is - as he did with me when telling me his feelings for me were fake and dropping me like a hot brick .

He actually responded with "ok fair enough x". !

I know the bigger person thing to do would have been no response but , he had really hurt my feelings and this felt like insult added to injury.

Ive remained single as I just felt dating was pointless. (I'd had a lot of dates to that point and I then decided to concentrate on myself , my own happiness, hobbies , friends and forget about trying for anything romantic) he really made me question my own life at that point - why wasn't I dynamic, with more hobbies . I had my career , and friends , but he made me feel boring and dull.

Ive worked on this for the past year developing social circles , hobbies , etc .

My previous messages to him (until I asked him what he wanted an why he had got back in touch ) were pleasant and friendly.

But he has wound me up and I couldn't resist telling him a few home truths.

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold . And it actually felt rather good .

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 21/03/2023 03:52

Well done on telling him off. He deserved it.

Block his arse and enjoy your life!

barmycatmum · 21/03/2023 04:03

Ok I see. You didn’t flat out say “you’re friendzoned.” You were courteous.

he sounds like a creep, and I feel sorry for his children.

im glad you told him off. When he told you all those horrid things, it almost sounds like he was trying to “neg” you. Like maybe the ass took a course from “the pickup artist” and fucking thought it would work on you. A dig to your self esteem to put you under his power.

either way, what a fucking loser. I’d be furious too, OP.

barmycatmum · 21/03/2023 04:05

Also… that he said you “made him cry” is so repulsive … ick! Massive ick

we need another of those “ick” threads so you can put him on the Ick hall of fame where he deserves to be

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 04:30

Oh OP, so much effort put in here on just creating and writing this thread. That speaks volumes.

He asked for a shag, you said no.

He doesn't give a shit. The emotion and time put in to this thread after a year though, to me, shows you still do. Don't give him any more headspace.

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 04:39

Oh and thanks so much for being "autism friendly".

Whatever would we do without people like you spouting all the clichés going 🙄

You're not over him at all.

Advancedpie · 21/03/2023 04:41

I want to know what 'quite eye opening sex' is?

BlackBarbies · 21/03/2023 04:51

How many times are you going to post about a guy that you don’t care about? Seems that you’re still very much bothered by him

butterfliedtwo · 21/03/2023 04:59

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 04:30

Oh OP, so much effort put in here on just creating and writing this thread. That speaks volumes.

He asked for a shag, you said no.

He doesn't give a shit. The emotion and time put in to this thread after a year though, to me, shows you still do. Don't give him any more headspace.

Exactly this. Why are you giving it energy after so long? It's strange tbh.

DeflatedAgain · 21/03/2023 05:04

Well, he sounds like a right arsehole.

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 05:06

Advancedpie · 21/03/2023 04:41

I want to know what 'quite eye opening sex' is?

I usually find 'up me bum' makes my eyes pop open a little wider.

Oop and in.. 🤣

Omg I so sorry for that... And... Post!!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/03/2023 05:16

BertaHoon
in think OP might be asd herself
so maybe that comment wasn’t necessary

BertaHoon · 21/03/2023 05:25

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/03/2023 05:16

BertaHoon
in think OP might be asd herself
so maybe that comment wasn’t necessary

To be fair, your 'think' and 'might be' still don't take from the shit we diagnosed get daily. So, I'll stand by my comment.

Cassiehopes · 21/03/2023 05:27

Honestly he sounds like a dick but I also think it’s incredibly unkind to tell someone that they’re ‘friend zoned’ after one date - there could have been a more tactful way to say it. I can see why he was hurt.

But I do think your message might have just made him feel like… well, not that you don’t care about him or that he is nothing to you. When I read your post, I felt like you definitely either still had feelings for him and/or were definitely still extremely bothered about the situation. That’s the vibe it gave. It didn’t come across as something you’d say to someone who was nothing to you, but rather someone who had really hurt you and who you were still furious with or who you still had feelings for but didn’t want to.

I think a ‘ummm I’ll pass’ or something would have been more like you didn’t care anymore!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/03/2023 06:19

BertaHoon

I think your comments are harsh and unnecessary
my sons autistic and I’m ‘autism friendly’ (for lack of a better description)
so shoot me down !

LoekMa · 21/03/2023 06:27

AnyaMarx · 20/03/2023 20:46

Back story.
Started seeing a guy last year in may . Not my usual type .
We dated once and I said he was friend zoned . He was studenty, lanky , science teacher type , hippy , unconventional.
He was really quite manipulative and told me that had made him cry because he really liked me etc , and we started hanging out , relationship developed and I really came to like him . The sex was very good . He told me he was diagnosed with ASD as were his kids . I met them . Things were quite intense then one day he just dropped me . Said he realised he didn't actually have any real feelings for me at all and had just craved the comfort and stability of a relationship. He had been using hook up sites and swinging sites previously He was going into therapy And that was that . He got embroiled in another relationship quickly and we stopped any communication. He also told me I wasn't dynamic enough for him and didn't have enough outside interests or enough friends for him to benefit from a relationship with me . This actually hurt me more than I expected.

A year almost on he messaged to say he is newly single and would I like "casual sex" from time to time . That he is reaching out to "nice" people to "have his needs met while he has more therapy and seeks a new relationship!

After picking my jaw up off the floor given the sheer brass neck , I did briefly consider it . (Only because the sex at the time was good and quite eye opening!)

But I sent him a message back saying initially I friend zoned him , and I was seemingly right . That he had misled and used me , and that the more I know the less attractive I find him . I said I think all you need is an alternative to a wank , and I will not be reduced to that . That I am comfortable in my own skin , and that he would actually make my skin crawl now knowing what I know . That I need to find someone attractive to even consider having sex with them , and I do not find him remotely attractive and no - I do not want casual sex from time to time . I find him a turn off .

I am not usually cruel - but he appears to need thing's spelling out on the most basic level there is - as he did with me when telling me his feelings for me were fake and dropping me like a hot brick .

He actually responded with "ok fair enough x". !

I know the bigger person thing to do would have been no response but , he had really hurt my feelings and this felt like insult added to injury.

Ive remained single as I just felt dating was pointless. (I'd had a lot of dates to that point and I then decided to concentrate on myself , my own happiness, hobbies , friends and forget about trying for anything romantic) he really made me question my own life at that point - why wasn't I dynamic, with more hobbies . I had my career , and friends , but he made me feel boring and dull.

Ive worked on this for the past year developing social circles , hobbies , etc .

My previous messages to him (until I asked him what he wanted an why he had got back in touch ) were pleasant and friendly.

But he has wound me up and I couldn't resist telling him a few home truths.

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold . And it actually felt rather good .

And it actually felt rather good .

but not good enough right? That's why you made this thread..to get more validation? Mkay

Thefriendlyone · 21/03/2023 07:35

AnyaMarx · 20/03/2023 23:59

And the thing is - I blocked him. He got
Round it .

The most telling thing to can do now is just say my piece and never respond again .

Blocking did no good . Just saying my bit and ignoring now is in my power and that what I'll be doing

I've processed his proposition and I absolutely know I dont want it . What else can he do ?
He hasn't got anything over me . I do not want him - at all. In that I am certain.
So he can now do whatever he wants and I will not respond other than to say leave me alone or get reported for harassment.
Fuck him . I'm not playing some power game . I have blocked and he messaged anyway . So I don't need to block him now for him to get the memo. I've made it clear . I do t need to block to stop myself from responding. I won't respond . If he wants to waste his time - he can crack on . He needs to learn when someone says no - they mean no .

Op, I mean this gently, but are you ok? You sound Really angry. He isn’t hassling you. There is no need for this reaction. it’s all so ott.

im actually not sure if you need counselling to help you, you are clearly very invested in this man. I’m not sure why you think he’s going to move to stalking you or harassing you. He dumped you last time. He got in touch, asked, you said no, that’s it ok?

CaroleSinger · 21/03/2023 08:22

I'm sure I read this almost word for word a couple of weeks ago?

MichelleScarn · 21/03/2023 08:37

CaroleSinger · 21/03/2023 08:22

I'm sure I read this almost word for word a couple of weeks ago?

Same guy, different phone!

notthisagainforest · 21/03/2023 09:11

I would have replied no thanks you were shit but that's just me

emptythelitterbox · 21/03/2023 11:48

Ignore all the pearl clutchers agast that a woman expressed her anger or is unkind, especially to a man! Shock

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/03/2023 12:42

CaroleSinger · 21/03/2023 08:22

I'm sure I read this almost word for word a couple of weeks ago?

Me too, right down to the 'ASD' and time frames but in that one the OP just said no thanks, or similar. Curioser and curioser.

Original poster
AnyaMarx · 22/03/2023 00:17

Same bloke . Yes . He contacted me a few weeks ago
Different phone number used to re contact me this time after I blocked .

First time I just said no thanks . Was polite .

This time he got it both barrels. He hasn't blocked me but hasn't contacted me again so maybe brutal honesty was the only way he got the message.

Nothing curious about it really .

I haven't told friends because they'd be incredulous, and probably angry on my behalf and I couldn't really be arsed discussing it with people who know me . Plus there was a millisecond I contemplated it and didn't want to tell anyone who knows me that bit because it felt a bit pathetic tbh .

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaMarx · 22/03/2023 00:40

Oh and to the people asking kindly if I'm ok -
Yes I'm fine thank you I just needed to chew this over with people who don't know me , or him . I'm fine . Thanks .

And to anyone taking offence that I'm autism friendly , or am drawn to
Quirky types , and people on the spectrum.

I'm on it . My entire family is . And on that basis I don't think quirky is weird . I a like people who are on the spectrum, feel an affinity with neurodiverse people. I have a zillion tales I could tell but I just can't be arsed .

My son is on the spectrum (diagnosed)
My brother is
My mother is
My grandmother was
And I'm quite happy and comfortable with the knowledge I am .
And I think that isn't a bad thing . I'm very friendly, outgoing, but I can and do spot "my people " easily and maybe that makes me a bit of a mug when it comes to giving people a chance when most others wouldn't .

I've helped many many people with asd and neurodiverse issues in my work and in my personal life. I dont think saying I'm autism friendly is a bad thing. I am .
I've often backed people who are obviously different and stood by them , said I don't care how different they appear .
Had one particular experience with a woman at work once upon a time who was bullied and ostracised and I got extremely angry and stood tall in saying she was a friend and if I heard anything or anyone say one more negative or mean word about her I'd be on their case so fucking fast they wouldn't know what hit them .

That's what I mean when I say I'm autism friendly. I take people exactly as they are and I don't care if they're different if I like them .

I feel this man abused my good
Nature however . And so I said my truth . Some people are just arseholes whatever their issue .

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaMarx · 22/03/2023 01:02

Can I also just say :

To those judging.

I spent 30 years in a relationship where sex did not feature apart from to have children.

So now , as a woman who went on to
Actually discover that sex wasn't simply a roll on roll off endeavour to result in children - the proposition was tempting despite the fact it would have left me feeling the used .

Anyone here judging who is in their 20s , or 30s , or 40s - fine .
But I'm now in my 50s and the prospect of a relationship again is remote . Having discovered sex in my 40s - only to now be single again and probably to remain so - the idea he proposed was , fleetingly- something I considered. I then realised it would be very detrimental to me .

But having to resign myself to the fact I'm probably going to remain alone , now - Is hard . I liked sex . Once I'd discovered it .

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaMarx · 22/03/2023 01:11

Oh and that doesn't mean I took it up the arse as was inferred.

I meant I had sex that did something for me . I thought the g spot was a myth . Turns out it isnt.

There are some cruel , low people on this forum these days .

I doubt I'd get much enjoyment from taking it up the arse . For info .

I'm bowing out now but thanks to
Those who weren't dicks .

OP posts:
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