Was this cruel or just honest

[AnyaMarx]

Back story.
Started seeing a guy last year in may . Not my usual type .
We dated once and I said he was friend zoned . He was studenty, lanky , science teacher type , hippy , unconventional.
He was really quite manipulative and told me that had made him cry because he really liked me etc , and we started hanging out , relationship developed and I really came to like him . The sex was very good . He told me he was diagnosed with ASD as were his kids . I met them . Things were quite intense then one day he just dropped me . Said he realised he didn't actually have any real feelings for me at all and had just craved the comfort and stability of a relationship. He had been using hook up sites and swinging sites previously He was going into therapy And that was that . He got embroiled in another relationship quickly and we stopped any communication. He also told me I wasn't dynamic enough for him and didn't have enough outside interests or enough friends for him to benefit from a relationship with me . This actually hurt me more than I expected.

A year almost on he messaged to say he is newly single and would I like "casual sex" from time to time . That he is reaching out to "nice" people to "have his needs met while he has more therapy and seeks a new relationship!

After picking my jaw up off the floor given the sheer brass neck , I did briefly consider it . (Only because the sex at the time was good and quite eye opening!)

But I sent him a message back saying initially I friend zoned him , and I was seemingly right . That he had misled and used me , and that the more I know the less attractive I find him . I said I think all you need is an alternative to a wank , and I will not be reduced to that . That I am comfortable in my own skin , and that he would actually make my skin crawl now knowing what I know . That I need to find someone attractive to even consider having sex with them , and I do not find him remotely attractive and no - I do not want casual sex from time to time . I find him a turn off .

I am not usually cruel - but he appears to need thing's spelling out on the most basic level there is - as he did with me when telling me his feelings for me were fake and dropping me like a hot brick .

He actually responded with "ok fair enough x". !

I know the bigger person thing to do would have been no response but , he had really hurt my feelings and this felt like insult added to injury.

Ive remained single as I just felt dating was pointless. (I'd had a lot of dates to that point and I then decided to concentrate on myself , my own happiness, hobbies , friends and forget about trying for anything romantic) he really made me question my own life at that point - why wasn't I dynamic, with more hobbies . I had my career , and friends , but he made me feel boring and dull.

Ive worked on this for the past year developing social circles , hobbies , etc .

My previous messages to him (until I asked him what he wanted an why he had got back in touch ) were pleasant and friendly.

But he has wound me up and I couldn't resist telling him a few home truths.

They do say revenge is a dish best served cold . And it actually felt rather good .

Well, I applaud you for being honest, anyway! If he treated you badly, why shouldn't you tell him?

Fair points on that one, more a Howard maybe ?

Yep more of a Howard without the more endearing features like humour .....

Lucky escape op, all the best and positivity.

I like quirky people generally. They do sort of gravitate towards me because I'm in no way judgemental. I take people as they are .

I'm also autism friendly . Maybe I'm somewhere on the spectrum myself in that respect because I can spot ASD a mile away and I find people who are a bit different quite attractive.

But there is a difference between different and being a twat .

He sounds very asd and brutally honest
but not intrinsically bad ?

but he hurt you , and I think you need to properly process why

sometimes when people hurt us it’s because they hit us where we are really vulnerable ?
and maybe something too painful for us to process

and you are not alone we’ve all been hurt by people we attached feelings to , and they discard us (or it feels that way )

but he provided something you liked a lot

also next time you will see the signs earlier

bit I’d say being angry with him is probably a waste of energy x

And asd women have a rough time of it in relationships I find ….

Haven't you posted this before? It seems very familiar. What did the posters on that thread say?

I know - I'm not actually angry. He's a CF . But doesn't even see it .

My most successful relationship was 30 years but I nuked it and my life - some weird self destructive thing my family seem to have .

What I did do right was raise two amazing humans .

And being alone really isnt that bad . I'm not particularly House trained so being alone and doing my own thing is liberating. I have no one to piss off ! I'm a bit messy and unorganised. My hubby put up with it with an eye roll and a joke but we've been split 9 years now .

He was one in a million and I didn't annoy him .

I suspect I'd annoy most other people.
Mr CF was worse than me on the home front and I did used to survey his bathroom thinking "oooo it needs a cloth run round this floor " 😂.

I'm alright as I am . I suspect I will grow old alone and die alone . And it's fine .

Good for you.

I can't understand this mantra women live by of walking away head held high and saying nothing, like it's some sort of evangelical higher ground. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying how you feel. In fact I think there is something wrong NOT saying how you feel. Why leave it to fester? Let it out! And no better audience than the source.

Yeah . That's probably my issue .

I've realised this last few years I'm not a team player. Which is weird because my marriage was a team - we each had our roles . It worked . Well.

But I won't find that again . And I'm different now anyway . I actually do love the sanctuary of my own company.

He needed to hear it.
Just because someone has ASD doesn't mean you can't tell them when they've been a cruel and selfish user.

Thank you.

It's
Probably futile because it won't compute but I did feel better for saying it

When someone is being a CF I think it's ok to say oi! CF ! Bugger off .

Which is all I essentially did . I'm just less of a doormat these days and I feel ok in that .

Good for you! So bored of women being told they should be quiet and nice and take the higher ground or whatever, no matter how crappily they are treated.

You told him what was what and called him out on what Bridget Jones would have called his fuckwittage. Hurray 👏

You posted about this a few weeks back, why are you still giving it headspace?

Block the number already, the guy is a basket case.

He also told me I wasn't dynamic enough for him and didn't have enough outside interests or enough friends for him to benefit from a relationship with me .

Did people not read this part??!! Why the hell should you be the "bigger person"? This twat absolutely deserved your brutal response. Well done!

I blocked .

He messaged me on a new number this weekend with his "proposal " for casual sex .

Just came right out with it ! After I d blocked his previous number

And tbh I stalled a bit - thinking wow - he's persistent! Maybe .....?

Then common sense kicked in .

This time - however he messages, I won't be responding but I really felt some sense of closure this time in messaging him back - not with niceties- with the truth . I'm now done . Maybe that was what I needed .

Block him again. Leaving the door open will do you no good

Thing is I'd blocked him and he messaged me again on a new phone no ! This time with a more explicit request for casual sex .

So I've messaged with a more explicit reason not to .

It sounds like he was extremely brutally honest in his comments to you when he broke up with you, and you just gave him a taste of his own medicine when out of the blue he pestered you for sex. Nothing wrong with that.

And the thing is - I blocked him. He got
Round it .

The most telling thing to can do now is just say my piece and never respond again .

Blocking did no good . Just saying my bit and ignoring now is in my power and that what I'll be doing

I've processed his proposition and I absolutely know I dont want it . What else can he do ?
He hasn't got anything over me . I do not want him - at all. In that I am certain.
So he can now do whatever he wants and I will not respond other than to say leave me alone or get reported for harassment.
Fuck him . I'm not playing some power game . I have blocked and he messaged anyway . So I don't need to block him now for him to get the memo. I've made it clear . I do t need to block to stop myself from responding. I won't respond . If he wants to waste his time - he can crack on . He needs to learn when someone says no - they mean no .

I don’t think you were blunt enough, tbh. I’d have gone with: ‘Kindly fuck off. I blocked you, so I clearly don’t want to communicate with you. Do not contact me again or I will consider it harassment and log it with the police.’

Doesn’t mean you can’t block him on the new number. And then don’t reply and block if he messages you on any other number.

I think he was just looking for sex. I think you have over analysed his assessment of you during the break up. You obviously fell for him and his words were hard to stomach.

Now he messaged for sex with no strings attached... you had your chance to reflect and off loads some of your feelings which have been stewing.

But as others have said ... he probably isn't bothered.

As long as it made you feel better and you've gained some form of closure. Good luck to you. But personally I'd block him now as he don't even sound like a friend.

Agree.