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Original poster

Bio father vs step father - AIBU?

80 replies

Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 20:08

My daughter (16) has far from an ideal relationship with her biological father. He has always been on the extreme end of difficult to deal with adult to adult, always full of excuses, has constantly let her down, very rarely had an kind of consistent routine with her lasting nore than a few months. He has constantly had a multitude of personal problems, suffers with a lot of unresolved traumas, he has 2 other children with a his new ex partner, who he managed to have a slightly more consistent routine with, as he lived with them for many years, myself and him split when daughter was 18 months.

Over the years we have had many altercations, but for the past few years we seem to have reached a more amicable state. I think mostly due to age and my coming to accept the way things are and that is the best we will get - but also, following him losing his best friend to suicide and breaking up with his partner, I found some empathy for his struggles and tried my best to support him through tougher times, for the same of trying to keep the very threadbare relationship he and my daughter have in tact as much as possible.

The issue is, not my current partner, who i got back together with last year, after we split for a few years, has a huge problem with any contact i have with daughter dad. He thinks since she is now 16, we should not need to communicate at all and it should be between her and her dad. But if that were the case she would never hear from him. As for some reason he comes to me with all his excuses and I try my best to mediate between them, knowing she feels let down by him but doing my best to soften the blow and see him as a self destructive human. My partner is amazing with my daughter treats and loves her as his own, has been such a role model and a true father figure in her life. But it really upsets me that he says things like, he would erase the bio father out of our lives in a flash, he doesn't think I should refer to vio father as family and he wants bio father to have absolutely nothing to do with our life. I'm really hurt by this coldness. Bio father is a rubbish dad, and that may probably never change, but his presence jn my life (very little) really has no impact on me or us as a family.

Sorry, not sure if I've quite articulated myself thoroughly here, as it's quite a complex situation. In an ideal world, I'd love daughter and bio dad to have their own relationship and for me to need no involvement, but it simply isn't the case, but j don't understand why my.partner feels so threatened by my very little communication with bio father. Am j being unreasonable to ask my partner to just deal with it and accept it for what it is, as I have to?! Or is he right for wanting nothing to do with bio father?

OP posts:
roseheartfly · 19/03/2023 20:30

If you are comfortable with your relationship with your daughters father then your partner should get on board.

If he isn't, he can't just stay away from him but it's not fair to put pressure on you. The best thing for your girl, no matter her age, is for her parents to be amicable. If possible.

Idontknowhelp · 19/03/2023 20:41

I think he needs to accept the situation. Because you’ve tried to have a good coparenting relationship for the sake of your daughter, despite little input from the bio dad. I’ve done the same with my daughters father. There are no feelings there on either side, but we have a good and civil coparenting relationship. The only time it was rough was when he was with someone for 3 years that tried to keep him away from my daughter as much as possible. Things are a bit better now, and he’s in a new relationship with someone who seems a lot more easy going and understanding having children herself. You have to do the best for your daughter. Is there a way your current partner can be involved in that as he seems threatened by it? There are coparenting apps, Keep your current partner in the loop and just make him feel secure. Sorry he’s not being more supportive though

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 21:13

I'd prefer a more ideal relationship, but I am comfortable with what we have and accept that's the best we will get! I feel like the efforts made on my part do help.them.to keep something of a relationship going, as without that, I think it would be non existent!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 21:15

Idontknowhelp · 19/03/2023 20:41

I think he needs to accept the situation. Because you’ve tried to have a good coparenting relationship for the sake of your daughter, despite little input from the bio dad. I’ve done the same with my daughters father. There are no feelings there on either side, but we have a good and civil coparenting relationship. The only time it was rough was when he was with someone for 3 years that tried to keep him away from my daughter as much as possible. Things are a bit better now, and he’s in a new relationship with someone who seems a lot more easy going and understanding having children herself. You have to do the best for your daughter. Is there a way your current partner can be involved in that as he seems threatened by it? There are coparenting apps, Keep your current partner in the loop and just make him feel secure. Sorry he’s not being more supportive though

As it stands, he is as involved as I am! I get a text once in a blue moon reminding us he exists and that's about it. I have in the past shared phone calls and giving bio dad the time of day with his problems and I think that's what the issue is! It's not ideal, I would prefer a more stable grounded bio dad, but this is what we got and I have to work with it!

OP posts:
Idontknowhelp · 19/03/2023 21:33

Well I think you’re doing a great job x

Odiebay · 19/03/2023 21:34

Your new partner needs to step back and not get involved. But to be honest... Having been the child in this scenario you are not doing your child any favours by being the go between and doing what you can for her to have a relationship with her dad. I know you are coming from a good place and it's admirable. But to be honest if he is letting her down like that and the blow keeps being softened by you slone day she won't have that and it will be worse for her. My dear mum did the same.

It was much easier to be let down and make the decision myself that my dad wasn't good enough for me. That's the other reason I don't think it's a good idea. It is good and healthy for your daughter to have boundaries and say " my dad isn't good enough for me". She needs to have standard and boundaries.

MrsPerfect12 · 19/03/2023 21:42

Odiebay · 19/03/2023 21:34

Your new partner needs to step back and not get involved. But to be honest... Having been the child in this scenario you are not doing your child any favours by being the go between and doing what you can for her to have a relationship with her dad. I know you are coming from a good place and it's admirable. But to be honest if he is letting her down like that and the blow keeps being softened by you slone day she won't have that and it will be worse for her. My dear mum did the same.

It was much easier to be let down and make the decision myself that my dad wasn't good enough for me. That's the other reason I don't think it's a good idea. It is good and healthy for your daughter to have boundaries and say " my dad isn't good enough for me". She needs to have standard and boundaries.

I agree with this, I know and understand what you're doing. I did it for my daughter until she was 14 and she's 18 now. Your daughter is 16 and knows who he is now. Time to protect her and not him. She'll resent you for the excuses that you make for him eventually.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/03/2023 21:49

I’d say it’s a both and …

I agree it’s time for your ex to step up and be a father without being hand held by you

and also maybe less emotional support , boundaries and all that ?

I think it’s wonderful and and admirable you supporting their relationship and I get it 💯
you do it for your DD

bit as a pp said - she’s nearly Of age and once she’s 18? You can’t facilitate their relationship anymore

Ghostbuster2639 · 19/03/2023 21:49

As for some reason he comes to me with all his excuses and I try my best to mediate between them, knowing she feels let down by him but doing my best to soften the blow and see him as a self destructive human.

I agree with the pp that you’re not doing your daughter any favours despite your good intentions. Their relationship is certainly going to fail, and by doing this you are simply kicking the problem further down the road. There should be natural consequences for him being unreliable, you should not be mediating and supporting someone who’s treating her badly. Sometimes it’s ok for things to fail, and perhaps that will be the push he needs to start being more reliable.

The other issue is that your relatively new boyfriend is having such big opinions about your family stuff. It’s really none of his business. Isn’t it a bit soon for him to be a father figure?

Tell him to wind his neck in.

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 21:50

Odiebay · 19/03/2023 21:34

Your new partner needs to step back and not get involved. But to be honest... Having been the child in this scenario you are not doing your child any favours by being the go between and doing what you can for her to have a relationship with her dad. I know you are coming from a good place and it's admirable. But to be honest if he is letting her down like that and the blow keeps being softened by you slone day she won't have that and it will be worse for her. My dear mum did the same.

It was much easier to be let down and make the decision myself that my dad wasn't good enough for me. That's the other reason I don't think it's a good idea. It is good and healthy for your daughter to have boundaries and say " my dad isn't good enough for me". She needs to have standard and boundaries.

I agree with this completely. It's so difficult to get all the nuances of the situation into one post but I absolutely have allowed her to find out who he is for herself in her older years. I just can't help but see the traumatised human side to him sometimes and take some empathy with his circumstances occasionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 22:02

Ghostbuster2639 · 19/03/2023 21:49

As for some reason he comes to me with all his excuses and I try my best to mediate between them, knowing she feels let down by him but doing my best to soften the blow and see him as a self destructive human.

I agree with the pp that you’re not doing your daughter any favours despite your good intentions. Their relationship is certainly going to fail, and by doing this you are simply kicking the problem further down the road. There should be natural consequences for him being unreliable, you should not be mediating and supporting someone who’s treating her badly. Sometimes it’s ok for things to fail, and perhaps that will be the push he needs to start being more reliable.

The other issue is that your relatively new boyfriend is having such big opinions about your family stuff. It’s really none of his business. Isn’t it a bit soon for him to be a father figure?

Tell him to wind his neck in.

My new bf and I were together for 2 years when my daughter was around 9 and he formed quite the bond with her, and provided her with the father figure she never had in her bio dad. We got back together last year and are having our first baby together.

Not sure if I've accurately painted the right picture of the relationship I have with bio dad. It's very complex and ever changing, due to his instability as a person, but to be clear I have not been carrying their relationship so to speak, it has been naturally playing out and she has been able to see for herself how rubbish he is. I'm just still somehow involved and he comes to me with his problems and excuses. Me and daughter discuss them clearly for what they are, there is no shielding from the truth. I am just very accepting of the situation for what it is, circumstances fluctuate so it can be better for a while and then it's worse. We just flow with it now she's older. My upset is with bfs coldness and ability to see bio dad as disposable and completely worthless wh8ch as rubbish as he is, I think is unfair and reflective of his insecurity more than anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 22:04

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/03/2023 21:49

I’d say it’s a both and …

I agree it’s time for your ex to step up and be a father without being hand held by you

and also maybe less emotional support , boundaries and all that ?

I think it’s wonderful and and admirable you supporting their relationship and I get it 💯
you do it for your DD

bit as a pp said - she’s nearly Of age and once she’s 18? You can’t facilitate their relationship anymore

Thank you. I think this may be the middle ground advice I needed to hear!

OP posts:
supercali77 · 19/03/2023 22:23

Tbh I can kind of see your dps issue. Her bio dad is a deeply disappointing father, your empathy for his situation is possible because you're an adult and you're not his child. Hes coming to you with sob stories, and there you and your dp are...actually parenting, providing things every day, activities, food, roof over her head. Your dp has no reason to empathise with this man who's basically absconded his responsibilities and needs hand holding to be 2% a father. On the one hand, it's your call how you choose to organise your dds contact with her dad, on the other he's every right not to have sympathy for the man

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 22:37

supercali77 · 19/03/2023 22:23

Tbh I can kind of see your dps issue. Her bio dad is a deeply disappointing father, your empathy for his situation is possible because you're an adult and you're not his child. Hes coming to you with sob stories, and there you and your dp are...actually parenting, providing things every day, activities, food, roof over her head. Your dp has no reason to empathise with this man who's basically absconded his responsibilities and needs hand holding to be 2% a father. On the one hand, it's your call how you choose to organise your dds contact with her dad, on the other he's every right not to have sympathy for the man

Thank you for your honest reply. This is really helpful. It seems perhaps I have been way too forgiving and accommodating to bio dad. My partner has suffered with insecurity issues in the past, so it is sometimes difficult to separate that from healthy boundaries. I am starting tk see his perspective a little more

OP posts:
supercali77 · 19/03/2023 22:41

Ah right, having a history of being Insecure changes things a bit. You think hes mainly jealous of your relationship?

just to be clear as well, I don't think any partner has a right to demand we do X or Y as regards Co parenting. I do think they have the right to share their feelings on it though

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 23:23

supercali77 · 19/03/2023 22:41

Ah right, having a history of being Insecure changes things a bit. You think hes mainly jealous of your relationship?

just to be clear as well, I don't think any partner has a right to demand we do X or Y as regards Co parenting. I do think they have the right to share their feelings on it though

It's difficult for me to separate what may be insecurity and what is genuine valid points. He doesn't like the idea of bio father using me as a "shoulder to cry on" (which has been the case litterally once when his friend died of suicide and he came to my home trying to contact dd after she had blanked him, he ended up breaking down about his recent experience and I gave him a hug to comfort him - before partner and I reconciled, so I had volunteered this information to him only to have it thrown back at me as an example of my "inappropriate relationship" with bio dad)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 23:27

Wormworld7 · 19/03/2023 23:23

It's difficult for me to separate what may be insecurity and what is genuine valid points. He doesn't like the idea of bio father using me as a "shoulder to cry on" (which has been the case litterally once when his friend died of suicide and he came to my home trying to contact dd after she had blanked him, he ended up breaking down about his recent experience and I gave him a hug to comfort him - before partner and I reconciled, so I had volunteered this information to him only to have it thrown back at me as an example of my "inappropriate relationship" with bio dad)

Show quote history

And it wasn't so much him.demanding I do anything, I just found it super upsetting that he feels so strongly about something that doesn't really impact our lives at all. Past 6 months I've received a handful of texts from bio dad...
"I've just come out of hospital after a suicide attempt"
"I'm going to jail tomorrow.. "
"I've just been released on bail"
"I've lost my job..."
We spoke on the phone once for 25 mins after the suicide text, because I'm not a monster. It's so complex because his mental health issues are off the scale. I don't believe he actually wants to commit suicide, I think a lot is for attention, but it's so so difficult to navigate any other way!

OP posts:
mindutopia · 20/03/2023 00:14

You are facilitating a relationship for your dd with her dad. That’s great. At 16-18, my mum was doing exactly the same and it was what I really needed.

My dad died fairly suddenly when I was 18. The fact my mum made the effort to keep that relationship going when it otherwise ‘looked like I could manage it’ made a world of difference.

She would have dropped anyone who got in the way of supporting me though as fast as one might drop a hot sack of potatoes.

mindutopia · 20/03/2023 00:16

What you have shared indicates though that your ex is very manipulative. BUT you are still the safe space between your ex and your dd and I’d focus on that buffer no matter what.

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 20/03/2023 00:17

mindutopia · 20/03/2023 00:14

You are facilitating a relationship for your dd with her dad. That’s great. At 16-18, my mum was doing exactly the same and it was what I really needed.

My dad died fairly suddenly when I was 18. The fact my mum made the effort to keep that relationship going when it otherwise ‘looked like I could manage it’ made a world of difference.

She would have dropped anyone who got in the way of supporting me though as fast as one might drop a hot sack of potatoes.

Thank you! It seems the experiences and how this is being recieved is so.broad and varied based on people's personal experiences. My biggest fear is something tragic happening to her father, and me being unable to.forgive myself...I think this is made all.the more realistic an option, based on his lifestyle choices and actions!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wormworld7 · 20/03/2023 00:19

mindutopia · 20/03/2023 00:16

What you have shared indicates though that your ex is very manipulative. BUT you are still the safe space between your ex and your dd and I’d focus on that buffer no matter what.

I can see why it would seem to be the case -without being disrespectful i think he lacks the intellectual ability to.be manipulative as such....he is just a genuinely very troubled person. He does actually mean well, though incredibly selfish and unable to see past his own short comings. It is so difficult to get across the reality in just one.post!

OP posts:
supercali77 · 20/03/2023 06:39

Oh right, I was picturing someone very feckless and useless rather than someone as troubled as you describe. It's tricky, I have some experience of a father like this (my brother). His dd was raised by my mum. So I can see why you're concerned about something tragic happening to him. There's a balance I guess between basic empathy for a man and boundaries....protection of your dd and what shes exposed to. For eg, he shouldn't think its OK to come banging on your door needing emotional support when his daughter blanks him. No matter the reason. Its placing emotional responsibility and guilt on her shoulders

The family court view of parents and children is maybe useful for clarity on boundaries?... they consider a parent has responsibilities towards a child but no rights, while a child has the right to see a parent but no responsibility towards them. In your example above it's upside down, the responsibility is in the wrong place. Maybe this I'd where you draw the line?

Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm helping here! It's a very difficult situation, and nothings clear cut in real life. I can tell you're trying to balance everything with compassion which is commendable. X

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 20/03/2023 07:47

supercali77 · 20/03/2023 06:39

Oh right, I was picturing someone very feckless and useless rather than someone as troubled as you describe. It's tricky, I have some experience of a father like this (my brother). His dd was raised by my mum. So I can see why you're concerned about something tragic happening to him. There's a balance I guess between basic empathy for a man and boundaries....protection of your dd and what shes exposed to. For eg, he shouldn't think its OK to come banging on your door needing emotional support when his daughter blanks him. No matter the reason. Its placing emotional responsibility and guilt on her shoulders

The family court view of parents and children is maybe useful for clarity on boundaries?... they consider a parent has responsibilities towards a child but no rights, while a child has the right to see a parent but no responsibility towards them. In your example above it's upside down, the responsibility is in the wrong place. Maybe this I'd where you draw the line?

Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm helping here! It's a very difficult situation, and nothings clear cut in real life. I can tell you're trying to balance everything with compassion which is commendable. X

Yeah, I totally get you and agree with the boundary on his needs and hers being flipped. I guess I stopped fighting that aspect of it, since he seems to very much lack the emotional intelligence to understand what a parent child dynamic should actually be. He is essentially a child trapped in an adult world, for lack of a better description...and over 16 years of trying to navigate him best, I have found a way of doing things that keeps a balance between not tipping him further over the edge, which used to be the case when I held up my very normal expectations of what a parent should be and keeping some kind of peace. It has been so difficult but I think my oartner has some valid points, after reading some of these responses I have reached out to bio dad and told him that his relationship is essentially on him now, and I'd like to step back as a go between. It may even at this stage have a better impact than me being there to mediate!

OP posts:
Ghostbuster2639 · 20/03/2023 09:49

He doesn't like the idea of bio father using me as a "shoulder to cry on" (which has been the case litterally once when his friend died of suicide and he came to my home trying to contact dd after she had blanked him, he ended up breaking down about his recent experience and I gave him a hug to comfort him - before partner and I reconciled, so I had volunteered this information to him only to have it thrown back at me as an example of my "inappropriate relationship" with bio dad)

So your new boyfriend is upset you hugged him despite the fact you weren’t together. That really isn’t good op. He sounds quite controlling.

Original poster
Wormworld7 · 20/03/2023 10:02

Ghostbuster2639 · 20/03/2023 09:49

He doesn't like the idea of bio father using me as a "shoulder to cry on" (which has been the case litterally once when his friend died of suicide and he came to my home trying to contact dd after she had blanked him, he ended up breaking down about his recent experience and I gave him a hug to comfort him - before partner and I reconciled, so I had volunteered this information to him only to have it thrown back at me as an example of my "inappropriate relationship" with bio dad)

So your new boyfriend is upset you hugged him despite the fact you weren’t together. That really isn’t good op. He sounds quite controlling.

Yes, and this is where the real deeper issue lies. If he were being a team player and this issue was solely because he cared about me and my time and the impact it had on my daughter then fair enough, but I feel like.much of it on his end.is rooted in his insecurity. He makes a lot of assumptions based on the minimal information he has, which bothers me. He thinks that me.cutting ties with bio dad would cause me.some.sort of mourning or grief, as if I have any kind of.personal attachment to him as a person....almost like he believes i have a deeper motive for my interactions with him.

OP posts: