Bio father vs step father - AIBU?

[Wormworld7]

My daughter (16) has far from an ideal relationship with her biological father. He has always been on the extreme end of difficult to deal with adult to adult, always full of excuses, has constantly let her down, very rarely had an kind of consistent routine with her lasting nore than a few months. He has constantly had a multitude of personal problems, suffers with a lot of unresolved traumas, he has 2 other children with a his new ex partner, who he managed to have a slightly more consistent routine with, as he lived with them for many years, myself and him split when daughter was 18 months.

Over the years we have had many altercations, but for the past few years we seem to have reached a more amicable state. I think mostly due to age and my coming to accept the way things are and that is the best we will get - but also, following him losing his best friend to suicide and breaking up with his partner, I found some empathy for his struggles and tried my best to support him through tougher times, for the same of trying to keep the very threadbare relationship he and my daughter have in tact as much as possible.

The issue is, not my current partner, who i got back together with last year, after we split for a few years, has a huge problem with any contact i have with daughter dad. He thinks since she is now 16, we should not need to communicate at all and it should be between her and her dad. But if that were the case she would never hear from him. As for some reason he comes to me with all his excuses and I try my best to mediate between them, knowing she feels let down by him but doing my best to soften the blow and see him as a self destructive human. My partner is amazing with my daughter treats and loves her as his own, has been such a role model and a true father figure in her life. But it really upsets me that he says things like, he would erase the bio father out of our lives in a flash, he doesn't think I should refer to vio father as family and he wants bio father to have absolutely nothing to do with our life. I'm really hurt by this coldness. Bio father is a rubbish dad, and that may probably never change, but his presence jn my life (very little) really has no impact on me or us as a family.

Sorry, not sure if I've quite articulated myself thoroughly here, as it's quite a complex situation. In an ideal world, I'd love daughter and bio dad to have their own relationship and for me to need no involvement, but it simply isn't the case, but j don't understand why my.partner feels so threatened by my very little communication with bio father. Am j being unreasonable to ask my partner to just deal with it and accept it for what it is, as I have to?! Or is he right for wanting nothing to do with bio father?

I don't think YABU to still be in contact with your ex and if your partner is controlling then obviously that's an issue. But something about your phrasing I can't agree with.

But it really upsets me that he says things like, he would erase the bio father out of our lives in a flash, he doesn't think I should refer to vio father as family and he wants bio father to have absolutely nothing to do with our life.

For one thing, who are you referring to him as "family", to? I wouldn't be ok with my DP referring to DSS's mum as family. This would create an issue.

I don't see why you would expect him not to be cold about him, either, or to think he would prefer things if he wasn't involved. A he saying these things to your DD? If he's doing that or going on about it then obviously this is a problem. But I do think how he feels about your ex sounds quite natural.

At this point if you stop enabling the bio father relationship it might just turn out that as your DD matures he is unable to healthily maintain it himself. If your DD is in this situation she may take on your role in trying to 'fix' him. This could continue for years with your DD stuck. It's a horrible thought I know but speaking from experience it's better to start minimising the support you give ex now and let things naturally evolve.

Your current DP sounds a bit controlling. It could be that he genuinely cares about your DD and has a good bond and wants to protect her from your ex. That's all well and good but he should not be thinking its appropriate for him to dictate anything to you. Perhaps he wants your ex nowhere near his baby for reasons you can't see. You need to set your stall out clearly and focus on your DD and your new baby, stop putting these men centre stage, your DC are far more important and both men need to know that. Moving forward for you can be empowering, massively limit your input to ex and clearly communicate with DP. You need them both to absorb the message your DC come first. Just get on with things and make it clear you don't seek or need validation or asking permission for what you're doing. Spend time with your DD. You are the parent in her life and this will become more and more apparant as she matures.

Yes, and this is where the real deeper issue lies. If he were being a team player and this issue was solely because he cared about me and my time and the impact it had on my daughter then fair enough, but I feel like.much of it on his end.is rooted in his insecurity. He makes a lot of assumptions based on the minimal information he has, which bothers me. He thinks that me.cutting ties with bio dad would cause me.some.sort of mourning or grief, as if I have any kind of.personal attachment to him as a person....almost like he believes i have a deeper motive for my interactions with him

I think you have muddled the waters a bit here by referring to your boyfriend as Stepfather. He is not her stepfather and you’ve only been together since last year. It really doesn’t matter you had a brief relationship 7 years ago. All this father figure business is a bit too much and I think you have allowed him into your family far too soon as he is now over stepping the mark. This is still a fairly new relationship and he is being controlling.

Your daughters relationship with her dad is not his business. You hugging him before you were together is not his business. His assumptions you’re harbouring some feelings about your ex who you have minimal contact with is absurd. It seems he is expecting you to prove you don’t have feelings for him by cutting him off.

I don't see what this bio Dad actually is bringing in a positive way to your daughter? What would be your answer to this?

I made a passing reference to him.as family last year, to better explain to partner that we don't have some sort of exclusive friendship, it is the family of my child and I don't have any.choice in the matter! I don't habitually refer to him.as family, it was more a way of better describing our communication as not a friendship at all! Maybe I'm just more fluid and open to accept things as they ate, but I don't understand why anybody need be cold or harsh about another human being. If partner were to listen to me instead of projecting his own judgement, he would learn that bio.dad is a very deeply troubled man and I'd expect nothing less than a little empathy for him, as decent human beings go?!

But it really upsets me that he says things like, he would erase the bio father out of our lives in a flash, he doesn't think I should refer to vio father as family and he wants bio father to have absolutely nothing to do with our life

But it isn’t “our life”. Your ex is not in your boyfriends life. By the sound of it he’s not really in anyone’s life much. You've said you’ve received a handful of texts in the last 6 months.

Look, your new boyfriend is throwing his weight around. Your ex does not sound like an ideal father, but ultimately he is your daughters father and he has absolutely no right whatsoever to dictate that your 16 year old daughter shouldn’t see her dad. That’s her and your choice.

You need to see this situation clearly and not cloud it with talk of step fathers and father figures. Your new boyfriend is trying to interfere in your daughter’s relationship with her dad. And it’s not out of concern is it. It’s out of insecurity and spite. Your new boyfriend wants your daughter to cut her dad out to ease his ridiculous insecurities. That’s horrible and controlling. You can not allow your new boyfriend to take a parental role with your daughter and start dictating.

Why did you split up last time op?

I don't really think anybody else apart from.us get to decide what or who he is in our lives. What, on paper may seem like a swift decision, it has been far from.that and their bond naturally picked back up immediately. Though it may seem like only a few years of her life he was around, we shared a lot together as a family during that time and they do have a very natural.father -daughter relationship, due to their mutual love of me and also just their personality types.

There is obviously some jealousy and this is where my issue is. I find it difficult to hear the reality fo the situation with bio dad, through all of the insecurity that shines through

He doesn't want dd to cut her dad put but rather he wants me.to be able to do that. And yes it does feel.like it's to prove that there are no deeper feelings

I made a passing reference to him.as family last year, to better explain to partner that we don't have some sort of exclusive friendship, it is the family of my child and I don't have any.choice in the matter! I don't habitually refer to him.as family,

He's your daughters family. You shouldn’t have to explain anything to him and he shouldn’t be policing your language. I would run a mile from this controlling jealous behaviour op.

The thing is my.input with my ex is already massively limited, our contact fluctuates and months go by and we hear nothing, it isn't like this is all.comsuming for me time wise.or emotiinally either. Last year things ramped up a bit as he was having what appeared to be a very big low in his life and I worried about suicide being an option, so I kept my phone line open for him.so to.speak and I.did all I could, which was simply be an ear. That isn't a habit or a gold standard of our usual relationship just a fleeting circumstance and things have gone back to very minimal again. I don't think I try to "fix him" I see it as simply remaining neutral, trying to navigate such a troubled person as best I can - they don't come with a handbook unfortunately!

Thank you! I agree and this is where my frustration comes from

My daughter doesn't see her bio dad really! So my partners issue is with how much bio dad contacts me over her, he comes to me with his excuses rather than her, out of fear of how she reacts. He makes empty promises about showing up birthdays and Xmas and has all these excuses. He has had times of more consistency but since his life spiralling last year he has been more inconsistent than ever. Partner does not want to limit or control her relationship with her
Bio dad at all, it's just me he wants out of the equation. ...but as it stands currently, there is no.equation without me in it?!

Absolutely nothing, you are right in asking that! They have in previous years had more of a positive relationship , though far from ideal. But currently he brings nothing, and as we are flexible and evolving to adjust to the times, dd and I have decided she no longer wants to bother with him, at this time. Which could change, there are no Absolutes. So naturally my contact with bio dad has waned over recent months anyway!

Everyone can see that your partner is jealous of your ex. But you have to do what you think is in your daughter's best interest because her welfare is way more important than your partner's immaturity. I guess at some point your daughter will show you that she's ready to have sole responsibility for her relationship with her dad. But clearly that time isn't yet. Your partner is entitled to disagree but he's not entitled to undermine you acting in what you think is best for your daughter. If he does, he's really demonstrating that he believes his emotional security is more important than a 16yo's welfare.

This is closer to the response I thought I'd initially get, although maybe I hadn't given enough information for people to understand it as it is and even Still, it's so complex and so many factors. I have had quite an epiphany in being able to separate myself from the situation and allow bio dad to take the reins with dd and see how that plays out without my involvement -starting to believe they may eventually be better off for it as I won't be there pandering with my adult empathy and understanding and she can pull him.back in line with her teenage rawness and real reactions and feelings.

My partner may have some good.intentions for us as a family, but I do think it's hard to separate them from his jealousy and expectations that stem from that rather than in the best interests of dd

I don't really think anybody else apart from.us get to decide what or who he is in our lives

Of course. But if you want advice it’s best to describe the situation accurately. Opinions will differ depending on whether posters perceive him as a long term official stepfather or a relatively new relationship. Talk of step dads and bio dads is muddying the water and the facts are despite your past relationship this is a relatively new relationship and your boyfriend is taking an authoritative role and that’s not his place.

While his motivation may not be to stop your dd having a relationship with her dad, it’s likely this will be the outcome. The expectation that dd will forfeit the possibility of a relationship with her dad to soothe him is entitled and selfish.

I think the bare bones of this is that your partner is trying to control who you have contact with. I don’t think it matters who that person is. Nobody gets to tell you what to do or who you can speak to, and they don’t get to police your language.

I totally agree that the bare bones of this are rooted in his insecurities, hence me seeking outside opinions to try and better understand how this comes across tp others. I think there is definitely some genuine concern too, mixed up in there, and a very valid feeling of unfairness that bio father gets anything at all given his input over the years. I do refuse to be policed or controlled, and that's where I become incapable of hearing any valid points he may have on the matter. I think bio dad probably has taken liberties and as we are now shifting into a new phase with him, having had enough time to put his life back together, but still making rubbish choices, I have to draw a line with him.somewhere and say I tried but I can't do anymore and see where it goes by leaving him to it and no longer being a safe space for his excuses. I just feel very strongly in not letting partner feel I'm doing this to appease him and I really need him to recognise his own issues too

I think there is definitely some genuine concern too, mixed up in there, and a very valid feeling of unfairness that bio father gets anything at all given his input over the years

Any feelings he has of unfairness are certainly not valid. Because it’s not his daughter or ex or his business and he is clearly seeing himself as the authority of what’s “fair”. And he’s looking to punish him isn't he. I’d be extremely wary of this punishing spiteful character.

Why do you refer to dad as Bio dad? Surely he is just dad? If you are using this language around your partner you are validating his idea of himself as Step Father who has some authority.

Unfortunately your partner will perceive you’ve done it to appease him. I don’t think there’s much point pretending to him you haven’t.

I'm glad that you are thinking this - otherwise why would you want to inflict such a man on your daughter after all you have said about him.

I can imagine it being incredibly frustrating to be involved in raising a child, witness feckless parental behaviour first and and then have your own partner run around doing all the grunt work so that feckless parent looks good.

I am not saying you can change your behaviour but try to put yourself in your partners shoes. Show a bit of empathy for the position he is in.

You think it is in a 16 year old's welfare to see such a father - one who can offer her nothing? OP has even said that he has constantly let her down. Why would you force a child to go through that? If it was not good enough for the OP why should the child have to have it?

TBH @Wormworld7 I think you are overthinking this. I feel as if you are trying to control the circus here when the circus has left town a long time ago. Perhaps your partner is jealous or perhaps he is thinking "why am I here supporting her and daughter yet she is continually in touch with this man". I would venture as far to say that this level of responsibility you have for your ex is not normal. You stated above *" I won't be there pandering with my adult empathy and understanding and she can pull him.back in line with her teenage rawness and real reactions and feelings" Why on earth should she have to? If it was a boyfriend she had would you be saying the same thing?

Bio dad has hardly acted much of a father figure over the years and it gets very complex....I think he is undeserving of the title of "dad" personally. Only using such language for the sake of the thread as usually he is referred to as his full name, even often by dd. This isn't something I have encouraged from her, that is her own choice. I personally feel, as step father who has given dad like input over the years, financially, with time and love, and with our own baby on the way, which will be dds first sibling on my.side, step father does and should have some.sort of valid say in how we handle things. Just to what degree is where we are clashing and driven by what! Because I'm absolutely not okay with it being driven by control and insecurity and I was genuinely seeking advice on how ut came across to outisders so I could better gauge if I was unreasonable to think that!

You think it is in a 16 year old's welfare to see such a father - one who can offer her nothing?

I think its up to the mother to decide if she wants to keep the doors of communication open with the ex. It's not up to the partner to decide what should happen based on his jealousy.

I agree! And I think it's been really difficult to get across the actual realistic relationship and all of it's nuances over the years, in just one thread. I haven't been.as involved as my partner perceives..when bio dad was in a committed relationship, living with his partner and other children, he was a little more stable, I even did a few years stint of contacting solely via his partner, which worked well and was the most stability she had ever gotten from them. But for the past 2 years after a series of triggering incidents, the loss of his best friend to suicide, his breakdown of his relationship, mental health issues and suicide attempts himself, naturally pur communication morphed into a different era and we spoke a bit more and drifted from solely logistics of dd. I saw the human in him and I felt bad. There is an obvious correlation between when his life is on.track and stable, he is more able and capable of reaching out and remembering to be a dad, or at least try. Which I agree, is not good enough and I do not force anything ever. I never contact him. Never have. Hence we will often go months no contact. She wants nothing to do with him atm hence why I haven't spoken to him properly in a long time.

Is that you George? 🤣