Bio father vs step father - AIBU?

[Wormworld7]

My daughter (16) has far from an ideal relationship with her biological father. He has always been on the extreme end of difficult to deal with adult to adult, always full of excuses, has constantly let her down, very rarely had an kind of consistent routine with her lasting nore than a few months. He has constantly had a multitude of personal problems, suffers with a lot of unresolved traumas, he has 2 other children with a his new ex partner, who he managed to have a slightly more consistent routine with, as he lived with them for many years, myself and him split when daughter was 18 months.

Over the years we have had many altercations, but for the past few years we seem to have reached a more amicable state. I think mostly due to age and my coming to accept the way things are and that is the best we will get - but also, following him losing his best friend to suicide and breaking up with his partner, I found some empathy for his struggles and tried my best to support him through tougher times, for the same of trying to keep the very threadbare relationship he and my daughter have in tact as much as possible.

The issue is, not my current partner, who i got back together with last year, after we split for a few years, has a huge problem with any contact i have with daughter dad. He thinks since she is now 16, we should not need to communicate at all and it should be between her and her dad. But if that were the case she would never hear from him. As for some reason he comes to me with all his excuses and I try my best to mediate between them, knowing she feels let down by him but doing my best to soften the blow and see him as a self destructive human. My partner is amazing with my daughter treats and loves her as his own, has been such a role model and a true father figure in her life. But it really upsets me that he says things like, he would erase the bio father out of our lives in a flash, he doesn't think I should refer to vio father as family and he wants bio father to have absolutely nothing to do with our life. I'm really hurt by this coldness. Bio father is a rubbish dad, and that may probably never change, but his presence jn my life (very little) really has no impact on me or us as a family.

Sorry, not sure if I've quite articulated myself thoroughly here, as it's quite a complex situation. In an ideal world, I'd love daughter and bio dad to have their own relationship and for me to need no involvement, but it simply isn't the case, but j don't understand why my.partner feels so threatened by my very little communication with bio father. Am j being unreasonable to ask my partner to just deal with it and accept it for what it is, as I have to?! Or is he right for wanting nothing to do with bio father?

This sounds like a start...

I have messaged bio dad to tell him i will no longer be a go between for him and daughter and his relationship with her is now on him. I didn't feel it necessary to have such a marked event of it because I was stepping back anyway and not responding to his excuses anymore.

I gave him.a chance last year, we are all entitled to a naturally low point during tough times and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

But when the low points become the repeating pattern you have described, that's when the dynamic needs to change.

But as I've said partner wasn't around then and I had nobody else to consider.

And I think success here would look like you getting to a point of detachment, no longer being the go between, no longer being his shoulder to cry on, even when you don't have a partner to consider. Do it for yourself.

I understand how it may seem taxing on me, but how I act is more of an observer and less engaging in this guys problems, even long before partner came into it. I am fluid in the way I approach it and open for things to change always. So many factors go into this issue ever evolving, as she gets older, naturally things have changed, as I have matured things have changed. I really don't appreciate how my partner pushes this idea that my choice of involvement impacts my life in any way - I've moved well beyond that, as I say I consider myself more an observer than an engaged or fixer. I'd like to be the one to decide and judge how something affects me, and I really can't deal with him.constantly projecting this to be a lot bigger than I feel it is..not to make light of it, but my approach is more...

"Oh bio dad is suicidal again. Says he went to jail last week. What an odd way to live. Poor chap" *eye roll and move on. Check in on dd, if she's good then simply get back to my simple life and be sure to keep a dialogue open for her if she needs it, which she often does. And THAT is where he takes up space in my life....via her..and as her mother it is my duty to listen to her, care for her and help her through her problems. That is when it actually affects me, and that aspect I can't change. So his contact with me, in many ways as I see it, is irrelevant and somewhat laughable and light, compared with the big feelings I have to face in her world, if and when it comes up...which again, waxes and wanes through different times!

But it does impact your life. It causes arguments on your relationship. Bad enough that you started a thread on here...

Yes and I think it's very unfair that it does and is made such an issue of by my current partner..otherwise, it has 0 impact on my.actual life. As I've said above, the part of it that impacts my life is how he and his deadbeat ways affect my daughter- and that I cannot erase or change. And still that only really impacts my life as much as any usual 16 year old girl problems impact their parents - we've had a lot deeper dramas over friendship fallouts etc. Lots of problems she comes to me with take up my.energy and time and this is no different. But as far as his involvement with me is concerned, my life is unchanged.

This comment has nothing to do with the partner.

You think it is in a 16 year old's welfare to see such a father - one who can offer her nothing?