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Original poster

Boyfriend cancelled plans knowing I am bereaving

79 replies

Sunandrainbows · 18/03/2023 12:44

My boyfriend was seeing his teenage daughters today and said I can come over later in the evening and stop over. He has backtracked now and said to go to his at 3pm tomorrow afternoon. He is letting his daughters stop over because his 1 daughter has fallen out with her boyfriend. I really don't appreciate being discarded like that especially when my Grandad passed away 3 days ago and he knows how it has affected me.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 18/03/2023 12:46

he is prioritising his daughter, as he should

callthataspade · 18/03/2023 12:47

Hard to know without some more facts

But off the face of it he's a parent. His kids come first which I think is pretty admirable.

How long have you been going out? Do you have parents around? How old are his kids?

purplecorkheart · 18/03/2023 12:48

His a dad and his daughter rightly comes first.

Pinkbonbon · 18/03/2023 12:50

Sorry for your loss.

But on the surface I think he may be doing the right thing. Breakups are heartbreaking for people too, especially teenagers. His kids should come before girlfriends.

Still, I would have expected him to have come see you at some point since your grandad passing. Has he made the time before now to at least come give you a hug and see if you needed any shopping in?

Fuckstix · 18/03/2023 12:50

His kids come first, that's how it is if you choose to date a parent. This can include unexpected things like this.

Sorry about your grandad. Do you have anyone else you could call or see for company?

Fuckstix · 18/03/2023 12:52

I meant to ask, how has he shown sympathy apart from this? If he hasn't then that's a different matter than if he's been available and caring but has had to cancel this one night staying over.

Christmasbahhumbug · 18/03/2023 12:53

Sorry for your loss.

For me, my child will always come first, especially when they are distressed. I would be impressed tbh & would try not to take it personally.

MelchiorsMistress · 18/03/2023 12:56

So you think he should let his daughter down when she needs her Dad so that he can keep his girlfriend happy?

No, that’s not how being a good parent works.

Im sorry for the loss of your granddad 💐

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2023 12:56

He sounds like a good dad to me.

That's exactly what I'd expect him to do tbh. She's his child.

SnarkyBag · 18/03/2023 12:56

Bit of a rock and a hard place for him and probably best to postpone your plans if his daughter is there and also needs his support. You’re probably not in the frame of mind to hear about relationship woes but his daughter needs his support. Sorry but my children would always come first

ShapesAndNumbers · 18/03/2023 12:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fragrantandfoolish · 18/03/2023 12:59

You need to give more detail as on the face of it. He is in the right, he absolutely should put his daughter first and support her.

im sorry about your grandad. But it doesn’t mean you come before his child.

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2023 12:59

callthataspade · 18/03/2023 12:47

Hard to know without some more facts

But off the face of it he's a parent. His kids come first which I think is pretty admirable.

How long have you been going out? Do you have parents around? How old are his kids?

Tbh, I'm not sure it matters really, he has prioritised his daughter, which is the right thing to do.

If the OP doesn't like it, she is free to break up with him and date someone who doesn't have children. She can't expect him to prioritise her over them and a decent parent wouldn't.

Chowtime · 18/03/2023 13:00

If he's telling the truth about his daughter (and not fibbing to use it as an excuse not to see you) then I agree with the other posters about kids coming first.

Husbands/wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/partners etc come and go. Kids are forever.

firsttimemum1230 · 18/03/2023 13:01

It must be a new relationship if you haven’t met his daughter yet? To be able to stay there with them? You’d have to respect that and just deal with it because his child will always come first and you need to get used to it.
xx

Original poster
Sunandrainbows · 18/03/2023 13:02

I have told him we should not meet the weekends he is seeing his daughters as they will want to extend their stay which I am fine with. What I am not fine with is he keeps cancelling our plans as they want to stay longer. He should not be making plans with me in the first place. I am a person with feelings too. I understand he wants to help his daughter as he doesn't like her boyfriend as he does weed and is giving his daughter weed.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 18/03/2023 13:02

Thats what happens when you have kids. I'm sorry you're grieving about your grandad but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is uncaring.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 18/03/2023 13:02

I’m sorry for your loss.

He is doing the right thing, prioritising his distressed teen. They need a lot of focus at this stage.

Are you much younger than him, to have grandparents around?

Mummybearto3bg · 18/03/2023 13:05

Children should always come first sorry. You'd appreciate it if it was your children being put first.
Hope you're ok though

QuackMooBaaOink · 18/03/2023 13:05

Would you rather he discarded his own daughter?!
Respect the fact he's acting like a decent parent. His children should always come first.

StampOnTheGround · 18/03/2023 13:06

He's doing the right thing OP, you will always come second to his daughters (and rightly so!). I'm sorry for your loss x

Okunevo · 18/03/2023 13:07

Nimbostratus100 · 18/03/2023 12:46

he is prioritising his daughter, as he should

This, his children should come first

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2023 13:08

Sunandrainbows · 18/03/2023 13:02

I have told him we should not meet the weekends he is seeing his daughters as they will want to extend their stay which I am fine with. What I am not fine with is he keeps cancelling our plans as they want to stay longer. He should not be making plans with me in the first place. I am a person with feelings too. I understand he wants to help his daughter as he doesn't like her boyfriend as he does weed and is giving his daughter weed.

I have told him we should not meet the weekends he is seeing his daughters

He should not be making plans with me in the first place.

You must he complicit in those plans though? He can't make plans with you without your agreement.

Next time he wants to arrange to see you at the weekend, say no and make plans for another time.

If he keeps cancelling plans he has made with you generally, dump him.

It doesn't change the fact he was right to do this on this occasion.

My boyfriend has kids in their 20s. He has cancelled seeing me for kid related issues. I have children but haven't needed to do that so far but I would.
I once cancelled seeing a boyfriend once because my daughter's rabbit died. My boyfriend wasn't recently bereaved but, then, it was only a rabbit. He didn't have children and he completely understood.

HolibobsinApril · 18/03/2023 13:10

Do you have children OP?

Original poster
Sunandrainbows · 18/03/2023 13:10

@GreyCarpet Thanks for your advice. I know children always come first and I would do the same.

I just need to not agree to meeting him the weekends he has his daughters because he will keep letting me down and think it's ok to do so when I could have made other plans.

OP posts: