Boyfriend cancelled plans knowing I am bereaving

[Sunandrainbows]

My boyfriend was seeing his teenage daughters today and said I can come over later in the evening and stop over. He has backtracked now and said to go to his at 3pm tomorrow afternoon. He is letting his daughters stop over because his 1 daughter has fallen out with her boyfriend. I really don't appreciate being discarded like that especially when my Grandad passed away 3 days ago and he knows how it has affected me.

I’m sorry for your loss and it must be hard.

I would actually say that if he always prioritises his daughters it would be nice for him to put you first for once, just while you’re grieving, but then I saw the daughter’s having problems with a boyfriend who does weed. It does make me think maybe his priorities are right and he should be trying to support her.

Do you have other people who can support you? Sending hugs.

Yes, I'm on my 4th teenager and she would rather be with her friends in this situation not her dad. MN infantalises every DC until they're about 30. Nobody needs be centre stage 24/7.

I think that's a good idea - never a good idea to be at someone's disposal. If he's done this a few times then it's really not fair on you. Once or twice > yeah everyone's gonna mess up sometimes. Regularly > nope.

So yeah, I'd not get sucked into arranging anything on his contact weekends, and make plans with mates or family instead. Always better to have your own stuff going on than to be passively waiting for his availability.

Sorry for your loss x

I think the issue here is that he changes plans on the weekends when he has his daughters - so he arranges for you to come over but then cancels because one of his daughters wants to stay longer for whatever reason. That means that you could have done something else at the weekend - such as going away with friends, going out, whatever - but instead you expect to go to his on Saturday so keep the time free but then that changes last minute.
I think he's right to prioritize his daughters but he should not be making plans with you on those weekends if he is then going to cancel.
So just tell him you won't make plans with him on the weekends when they are there any more.

No, but if the dds usually only spend a few hours/the day with their dad on contact weekends, but this time want to stay longer, I'd be grabbing that time with both hands if I were him. 😀

Presumably you live with your 4 teens most of the time.

I think they grief is making you massively unreasonable. Kids come first

You need to break up then meet someone who doesn't have children. Their priority should always be their children, and it sounds like you don't like that, which is absolutely fine. But you can't be with someone who will always prioritise you, if they have children, and act like a good parent.

A very good friend of mine has a partner who, IMO, is an appalling excuse of a father, despite actually being marginally better a parent than their mother. He doesn't prioritise his kids in any way, shape, or form, he neglects them and always puts his needs and wants before their basic needs. My friend is besotted, despite his being one of the worst parents I've ever met. I consider the way that someone treats their children, a reflection of the kind of person they are overall.
On that basis, your partner sounds like a decent human being. You on the other hand, not so much.

I am sincerely sorry for your loss though.

This

So you never see him when he has his kids

Fair enough

If a new relationship

Have always said I think 6mths is a good time to then meet partners kids

How long have you been together @Sunandrainbows

Make plans when he sees his kids

If been together over 6mths any reason why you can go over there and see him in the evening and watch tv on sofa etx

Sorry for your loss

I’m sure he could cope with an adult bereaved of a grandparent 3 days ago and a teen daughter having an argument with their boyfriend!
im not sure it’s OP or her boyfriend not wanting her around the teen daughters. Depending on length of relationship, seriousness, expectations between them it could be absolutely fine but it could also be a red flag. If it’s agreed between them both not to involve the kids it’s probably better for OP to just avoid making plans with him on their access weekend. If he only has them a day or two a fortnight he should be concentrating on the kids

Thank you, this is exactly what I was trying to get across. I have no problem with him seeing his daughters or gaming with his friends but he makes plans for the same day with me then cancels as he wants more time with his daughters and gaming friends.

I don't know why he wants to see me the same day when it is impossible as we all know you can't put time limits with people. It's not acceptable for him to keep making plans and dropping me at the last minute. It puts me out then because I can't make plans. I have said not to see each other the same weekend when he has plans but he ignores this and wants to meet. He said he doesn't see the problem with cancelling on me knowing full well to start with he would not have am enough time to do everything. I will refuse to see him on the weekends when he has other commitments.

He said he doesn't see the problem with cancelling on me knowing full well to start with he would not have am enough time to do everything

OK, I change my answer - dump him.

He doesn't respect your time, he thinks he's the important one in the relationship, you're just a convenience to him.

Dump!

Ah see that's very different.

He doesn't care about your weekend or your plans.

You must be on hold in case he doesn't have any better offers.

Fuck that shit

Don't make plans with him when he is seeing his kids

Or make plans. The. Tell him you ar brush so he knows what it is like

How long have you been together @Sunandrainbows

He doesn't see an issue with cancelling you

Don't see an issue with you dumping him

@GreyCarpet No, not at all. It’s a losing game being in a relationship with someone who has children, you’re never priority no matter the age of the child or the situation. She’s better off out of it, and I feel sad that she came here for succour. There is none, all partners of those with children need to suppress every need and emotion.

He's a parent. His children come first.

Also, sometimes people don't want to be around people that may hinder and jeopardize their own mental health and wellness .

Your depression may cause him to sink into depression...

Also, there's only soo much he can do. He can't bring him back.

Breakup with him and date someone without children.

You seem to not be able to handle dating someone with children.

Idk what you thought would happen..but
His children aren't going anywhere. He isn't going to disown his children.
They'll always primarily come first in most cases. No matter the age.

Pick someone else without kids.

Sincerest condolences

It’s sound like you are not a priority. I would end it. You deserve a partner, not to fill in his time when there is nothing better to do.

From your last update you really aren't a priority for him. An upset daughter is one thing but regularly cancelling plans because he wants to carry on gaming? Absolutely not.

You're not a toy that he can occasionally pick up when he can be bothered.

I would give him the boot, sorry.

Bit of a drip feed OP.

Oh just dump him. How long have you been together ?

We get what we settle for. You've settled for a man child who doesn't make you a priority, smokes weed and wastes hours gaming.
🤷‍♀️

And to add to that everyone’s different. I’m more of a “cry with friends person” in that kind of scenario but I know friends back in uni who would get their dads to pick them up at the crack of dawn and take them back to their family homes after a break up with their boyfriend. Indeed I even know some people like that in their 30s - running to parents for comfort doesn’t mean they’re childish. They’re clearly closer to their parents than I am so good for them!

Sounds like you’re extremely low down in his priorities in general then If he’s making a habit of this and also cancelling for gaming. He sounds a bit disrespectful of your time too, he knows he has a habit of pulling out of things with you on the weekend but insists on scheduling things at the weekend? Not the mature thing to do but I’d be tempted to do it back to him once and see how he reacts.

This set up wouldn’t be for me, I don’t know if you have kids OP but I don’t and therefore don’t date men with kids (even if their older teens or young adults) because I would hate the idea of a man spending less time with his kids or being unavailable for them in their time of need for my sake, but wouldn’t be happy with the alternative either which is constantly playing second fiddle.

I was cutting him slack about him wanting to spend more time with his daughters, but cancelling you last minute to carry on gaming with mates?! And thinking that's not a problem? Nope, get rid of him

Been there, done that. It doesn’t get better OP and believe him when he says that he hasn’t got a problem with disrespecting your time. A parent can prioritise their children AND value the new partner.

Love it!!!!:-)

Totally agree!!!