Boyfriend cancelled plans knowing I am bereaving

[Sunandrainbows]

My boyfriend was seeing his teenage daughters today and said I can come over later in the evening and stop over. He has backtracked now and said to go to his at 3pm tomorrow afternoon. He is letting his daughters stop over because his 1 daughter has fallen out with her boyfriend. I really don't appreciate being discarded like that especially when my Grandad passed away 3 days ago and he knows how it has affected me.

How old is everyone here ?

Maybe yiu both need to change your expectations for weekends he has his children.

It seems to me, that he is trying to juggle seeing his daughters and still make plans with you, ie trying to keep everyone happy.
And you have expectation that if he sets up plans, but needs to change them for his children, he is letting you down.

My advice is to have a conversation and say something like "Lets not set any plans for the weekends you have your daughters. If we can see each other, great. But if not, then at least I won't feel like you are cancelling on me"

I am sorry you are grieving for your grandfather. It is hard to lose any family member so you have my condolences.

I wonder how much contact your bf had with your grandfather?Not much I expect, so although no doubt he is sympathetic to your loss he is not the one feeling it emotionally and as you have said he has other more immediate worries re his daughter.

I think you need to look for support among your own family, they will be experiencing the same emotions as you, you will have common memories to draw on, matters to discuss about funeral arrangements etc all of which give you all a strong bond to support each other through these early days.

Children come first. However, you are not being unreasonable to be annoyed he keeps making and changing plans, especially if it is a regular thing.

I would refuse to make plans on those days and just make yourself available when he is child free.

I'm sorry for your loss. But he's right to prioritise her.

Is there a reason that you can’t still go? It sounds like his daughters are old enough to share a space with his girlfriend on occasion without too many issues

I think it seems sensible to make plans on evenings other than when he has the DCs. If he finds himself free after they've left, no harm in asking you if you'd like to go for drinks/ dinner but as you say, better if you have the chance to make other arrangements rather than be left hanging when he understandably needs to prioritise them.

@GreyCarpet yeah no I agree actually. I was typing and thinking of another thread at the same time

Whilst it's hard on the op. The kids should always come first.

I just wondered if he knew how upset she was and perhaps had no one else to turn to

But it feels like it's more of an ongoing concern for the op. But that's parenting...!

Tbh, if his daughter is upset and needs her dad and the OP is grieving and needs her boyfriend, it's unlikely he'll be able to meet either of their needs to anyone's satisfaction.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I've met his daughter a few times. But if she was upset or struggling in some way, I wouldn't expect to be included and I can't imagine she'd want me there. She'd want her dad.

Sorry for your loss, but he is not wrong to prioritise his daughter x

I think he should have stuck to the original plan and seen you later tonight, he has backtracked and cancelled because his daughter has had a fall out with her boyfriend. Not on. You are in the right.

All depends on ages, and how recent the relationship is. Assuming the children are adults (based on the drugs) I don't understand what you can't just go over, no need to delay introductions in the same way as younger kids. My dd met dp on our 3rd date because she came home from her boyfriends to pick up clean clothes and dump her dirty ones in the washer but not put it on

Then just say no when he’s got his children 🤷🏻‍♀️

you say he should prioritise his daughter which he is doing. He’s offered you a solution.

sorry to hear about your grandad but yeah kids will always trump date for me. Every time. Just the way it is.

Are you younger than him, @Sunandrainbows?

Is it his kids or is he using them as an excuse to meet other women instead, because men absolutely do this.

1st rule of MN.
You are dating a man who has children.
You should be grateful for any crumbs that you may be offered.
If he can allow you 1/2 hr once a month you should be grateful.
Know your place.

I'm a bloke ( for reference) and I would put my kids first in such a situation.

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss. Alas, the response you have had is exactly what I expected on this thread, be grateful for any meagre morsel that comes your way and utterly subjugate yourself to the altar of righteous parenthood… It will not get one iota better for you with this guy. Being in a relationship with someone with children is thankless and cripes help you if you ever get more involved and end up in a more committed dynamic with him. It’s brutal. Lots of self compassion and self care, and think about moving on. Hope you feel better soon 💐

I wish my DD's Dad put them first.

You need to evaluate your relationship & decide if you can give each other what you need. I suspect from what you've said, at this current time you can't.

Oh please. You're the girlfriend, she's the daughter. She will forever take priority over you...as it should be.
You want sole attention, don't hook up with guys who have kids

Well, yes, tbh. It's not about accepting 'crumbs'. It's possible to have a full relationship with someone who has mods but the list do come first.

Would you expect a mum to put her kids before her boyfriend?

Endless 'his child comes first' she's clearly not a small child and anyone of any age needs to learn that their needs don't always come first or you end up with incredibly selfish entitled people.
Your partner being bereaved means less than a teenage romance breaking up? What does that tell the DD?

OP I get why you're upset and I understand.

Perhaps start taking a step back. If he asks you to come round say you'll come when his kids aren't there so that he can have some quality time with them. And wait for him to ask you to do something, like go out somewhere - don't always just make plans to stay in with him. He'll become complacent and lazy.

I DO think it's suspicious that his 20 year old dd is crying on his shoulder and not her mates.

He sounds like he's doing this a lot. Make some plans for yourself for the next few week-ends and definately make yourself some nice plans for the Easter Holiday coming up - in short - don't be so available all the time.

Have you got teenage kids? I have. This stuff is huge for them, and they need to feel listened to.