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Relationships
Is it time to move on?
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 20:29
Hi everyone - looking for some advice/opinions regarding my relationship.
To give some background: I'm 32 and OH is 55, we've been together for 8 years and in the early days had some incredible adventures together (travelling the world, moving to a new country together, different cities etc.) He's extremely supportive of me and I never doubt his commitment to me and our life together, and I know he loves me - I've never doubted that.
My trouble is..I doubt whether or not I love him just as much as he loves me and have doubted our future together quite often.. for some reason I can't picture a future with him - he's asked me to marry him (and I've always somehow avoided answering, as it's never been a serious proposal) and he would have children with me (I think perhaps only because I've expressed my desire to have family, not because children are an actual priority for him - he would happily stay with me with no children if that's what I wanted) because of this, I feel quite a lot of pressure that the future of our relationship and how it will look falls on my shoulders i.e. kids or no kids.
Also, although we have great intimacy when it does happen, it's not nearly as frequent as I would like/need..maybe a couple of times a month at best..sometimes less frequent - I've openly communicated this with him on a number of occasions and he knows I personally need more from a relationship, and promises to try and do better but then weeks, maybe months pass and we fall back into a sexless routine again - he apologises and says it's difficult as he has a lower libido (his general personality + age).. I've also stopped making too many advances as I feel quite self-conscious when trying to initiate or 'ask' for sex and then the evening rolls around and nothing happens.
We do love spending time together and have a very easygoing and drama free relationship, and have been through a lot of difficult times together and always support each other and feel totally and utterly at ease around each other - but I just question whether all of that is enough to be 'forever' .. or whether or not I'm expecting too much from the relationship.. I had had relationships before him, but never as long as this or as serious, so I just don't know if my expectations are too high or if I should give myself a shot at finding a bigger kind of love out there.
I'm sorry if I sound melodramatic, but I find it difficult to talk to friends/family about my relationship worries, as we faced quite a lot opposition at the beginning because of our age difference (everyone accepts us now), but I've always felt quite vulnerable opening up about doubts I have because of that.
Thank you for reading xx
EastAngle · 17/03/2023 21:01
At 55, the problems you mention are only going to get worse. You need to move on.
IsThePopeCatholic · 17/03/2023 21:04
Find someone of your own age. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and he just can’t up with you.
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 21:24
@EastAngle I know, that's my worry - that with the age difference the likelihood of things changing or improving are next to minimal; my heart just feels so torn because he's such a loving person and I hate to break his heart, but feel deep down it's what I need to do for myself moving forward.
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 21:25
@IsThePopeCatholic yes, and quite often he has a 'been there, done that attitude' towards a lot of things, and I end up feeling a little silly for wanting to try new things or be adventurous, he seems so content just us two that he can't understand why I'd need anything else, which then makes me feel I'm asking too much of life sometimes..if that makes sense?
MuddyFeet01 · 17/03/2023 21:28
That age gap is too big and you’re feeling it already. His sex drive will not improve either. Find someone your own age. You must be mad tbh!
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 22:33
@MuddyFeet01 I know - I know some people can make an age gap work, but perhaps better so if the older one has a 'younger' spirit, or vice versa.
Justmeandthedog1 · 17/03/2023 22:40
Thinking long term, if you have a child or children with him, he will be retirement age before they’re at secondary school. 74 at least when first goes to Uni , with all the costs involved and the sheer energy it takes. I seemed to spend a lot of time on motorways during the Uni years!
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 22:46
@Justmeandthedog1 yes, the thoughts of raising a family with him daunts me - I know there are people who have children later in life and with partners older than them, but I feel the here and now needs to be 110% worth setting yourself up for a very probable tough ride in the future, and I just don't know if my heart is in it enough now to face into that.. what's conflicting me is I'm afraid I'm 'throwing away' an otherwise stable and supportive relationship for the unknown.
CandleInTheStorm · 17/03/2023 22:56
I had roughly the same age gap with my ex and I left after 10 years together when I was about your age. They go from "attractive older man in his 40s with knowledge and experience " to "grumpy old git in his 50s" quite quickly! And unless you're willing to live a middle age + life when you're still relatively young (I didn't want to) then you need to decide sooner rather than later.
My ex and I still get on now as it was always quite easy, but I haven't missed out on living the life "my age" group should be living, whereas he's got health problems/slowed right down/is grumpy. I already lost my 20s by living much "older" than I should have really and I wasn't willing to loose my 30s. As my mother would say, enjoy bring young because you're a long time old...
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:06
@CandleInTheStorm thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, I feel at the start we did quite a lot together and everything was much more of an adventure, but the last 4 years or so, he's just not as up for doing much anymore...I'd put it down to being comfortable in the relationship and 'settling down', but then it dawned on me.. if we have kids together, there'll be no "when the kids are gone, we'll be able to do x, y and z" because he'll be close to 80!
I've always been the sort of person who thinks about the present and that if I'm happy and content now, why rock things... but I really need to start thinking of the future more, because an age gap like this is only going to get more difficult.
He's honestly such a lovely person and supports me in everything I do and the last thing I want to do is throw away a loving relationship, but it seems to be getting harder already and I feel I have so much more to experience.
CandleInTheStorm · 17/03/2023 23:15
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:06
@CandleInTheStorm thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, I feel at the start we did quite a lot together and everything was much more of an adventure, but the last 4 years or so, he's just not as up for doing much anymore...I'd put it down to being comfortable in the relationship and 'settling down', but then it dawned on me.. if we have kids together, there'll be no "when the kids are gone, we'll be able to do x, y and z" because he'll be close to 80!
I've always been the sort of person who thinks about the present and that if I'm happy and content now, why rock things... but I really need to start thinking of the future more, because an age gap like this is only going to get more difficult.
He's honestly such a lovely person and supports me in everything I do and the last thing I want to do is throw away a loving relationship, but it seems to be getting harder already and I feel I have so much more to experience.
If you do want children, if he's not up to doing much now he will definitely struggle with babies/toddlers and all the sleepless nights/efforts you have to put in. Not to mention when they were teens he would be in his 70s...
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:22
@CandleInTheStorm I'm pretty certain I want children, I've always pictured myself being a mum and I'm certainly not ready to settle on not ever having them.. he tells me he wants children too and realises what it would be like, but he doesn't have children so all of this is hypothetical for him... honestly, I always thought that the 'having babies conversation' would be what would make or break the relationship, so was quite surprised at how keen he is to have a child with me.. but as I said, I can't help but get the impression it's because I want them and it's a way for us to stay together, not that he truly wants to be a father.
Rustyhandlebars · 17/03/2023 23:33
Does he realise how much energy is needed to raise children? If he is content to not do much now, how will he cope with family holidays, day trips etc., all revolving around children's activities? No naps around a pool with little ones to keep an eye on. As he grows older, you will be the main carer with more energy. How will you feel about this? I know some grandparents look after grandchildren, but not 24/7 for 18 years.
Annabananna1 · 17/03/2023 23:39
You'll look after the children. He will be too tired to do his fair share (..I know a lot of older parents would argue this. But let's be realistic no one has the same amount of energy at 60 as mid 30s)
And after you've done the massive slog that is child rearing you will end up as his live in carer. Because he will be old by that point. And then you will be old.
Urgh it just sounds horrendous. Find someone your own age, who you love.
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:42
@Rustyhandlebars I've tried to explain to him how tough and demanding children are - I work with children, so have an insight into the energy required, but he simply says that they'll bring so much joy and he's prepared to do it all with me.. but I just feel it's so easy for him to accept the age difference because he's not the one who has to consider looking after young adult children + an ageing partner... every time I bring it up, he gets offended that I'm ageing him before his time (which I feel bad for, because right now at 55 he's not old), but I'm just trying to be realistic.
cantstandmuchmore · 17/03/2023 23:45
The sad reality is even if it were forever, that's not your forever as there is a high probability he will die a good 20 years before you and your still end up alone.
I say the pain of leaving him now and living an incredible and fulfilling life with someone closer to your own age will be the lesser pain than loving him half heartedly and him leaving you when he dies and your life has passed you by in his old age.
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:48
@Annabananna1 You're so right, I think if anyone is going to make a 23 year age gap work, you need to be head over heels and 100% sure of the relationship in the present day, and if I'm having doubts now, it's going to get a helllll of a lot worse.
I know no one can see the future, and he always explains my worries away by saying anyone could get knocked down in the morning, but if nature runs its course as it usually does, I'm most probably in for the future you've described.
I think I'm definitely answering my own questions here now - Thank you for your input!
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:51
@cantstandmuchmore it's going to be super tough to end it now, as especially to him there's no real 'reason' (our day-to-day is perfectly pleasant), but I think I need to start putting myself first and stop worrying about how lovely he is and how hurt he'll be etc. because I'm just not convinced I want that life anymore, I need to rip the plaster off now while it's still relatively uncomplicated to do so!
Brandyb · 17/03/2023 23:51
And also get the sex back! It can be so good when you have a partner who matches you.
You're young, you only live once, and you're here now because you know this is not right for you now and you need validation in that choice. Have it
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:53
@Brandyb thank you! It's honestly refreshing to know I wasn't creating a mountain out of a mole hill with my worries because every time I've communicated them with my OH, he explains it all away so easily. I'm so glad I posted here to get some outside perspective!
Brandyb · 17/03/2023 23:59
EarlyDayz · 17/03/2023 23:53
@Brandyb thank you! It's honestly refreshing to know I wasn't creating a mountain out of a mole hill with my worries because every time I've communicated them with my OH, he explains it all away so easily. I'm so glad I posted here to get some outside perspective!
There's a lot of his opinion going on here and tbh you need to think carefully about you and your needs and tune him out on this. No one owes anyone a relationship. For one for all.
FictionalCharacter · 18/03/2023 00:01
Your OP doesn’t scream “I’m madly in love with him and I’m absolutely sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him; I’m excited about our future together”. It says “I know this isn’t the present and future I want, but I don’t want to hurt him and I’m frightened of the unknown”.
You are young, and you’re risking being dragged down into middle-aged life far too soon. If you’re brave and set yourself free, you can have the life of a young person again. You might not find the perfect relationship straight away, but you have plenty of time.
JJ8765 · 18/03/2023 00:29
Are you aware of the increased chance your child would have additional needs if fathered by a 55 year old. I was 35 when I had a disabled child and that’s hard enough I can’t imagine doing it at 55. It’s not just women where risks increase with age.
DustyLee123 · 18/03/2023 07:33
There’s 10 years between me and DH, and for many years there didn’t seem to be a difference. Fast forward to his late 40’s and I started to notice he was having trouble in the bedroom, but it was easily explained away by tiredness and alcohol.
By mid 50’s he was definitely having problems but refused to do nothing about it, now I was mid 40’s and having a hormonal rush so was gagging for it. Then I got very frustrated and resentment crept in. By the time he hit late 50’s I’d given up and refused to have crap sex.
The age difference got bigger as we got older, and you’ve got a big difference already. I’d suggest you move on now, before you get stuck.
GoodChat · 18/03/2023 07:44
It sounds like he's a great friend OP, but not the right life partner.
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