Is it time to move on?

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone - looking for some advice/opinions regarding my relationship.

To give some background: I'm 32 and OH is 55, we've been together for 8 years and in the early days had some incredible adventures together (travelling the world, moving to a new country together, different cities etc.) He's extremely supportive of me and I never doubt his commitment to me and our life together, and I know he loves me - I've never doubted that.

My trouble is..I doubt whether or not I love him just as much as he loves me and have doubted our future together quite often.. for some reason I can't picture a future with him - he's asked me to marry him (and I've always somehow avoided answering, as it's never been a serious proposal) and he would have children with me (I think perhaps only because I've expressed my desire to have family, not because children are an actual priority for him - he would happily stay with me with no children if that's what I wanted) because of this, I feel quite a lot of pressure that the future of our relationship and how it will look falls on my shoulders i.e. kids or no kids.

Also, although we have great intimacy when it does happen, it's not nearly as frequent as I would like/need..maybe a couple of times a month at best..sometimes less frequent - I've openly communicated this with him on a number of occasions and he knows I personally need more from a relationship, and promises to try and do better but then weeks, maybe months pass and we fall back into a sexless routine again - he apologises and says it's difficult as he has a lower libido (his general personality + age).. I've also stopped making too many advances as I feel quite self-conscious when trying to initiate or 'ask' for sex and then the evening rolls around and nothing happens.

We do love spending time together and have a very easygoing and drama free relationship, and have been through a lot of difficult times together and always support each other and feel totally and utterly at ease around each other - but I just question whether all of that is enough to be 'forever' .. or whether or not I'm expecting too much from the relationship.. I had had relationships before him, but never as long as this or as serious, so I just don't know if my expectations are too high or if I should give myself a shot at finding a bigger kind of love out there.

I'm sorry if I sound melodramatic, but I find it difficult to talk to friends/family about my relationship worries, as we faced quite a lot opposition at the beginning because of our age difference (everyone accepts us now), but I've always felt quite vulnerable opening up about doubts I have because of that.

Thank you for reading xx

@Gablonz yes, I feel if we were to have kids I would have known in my heart of hearts a long time ago that that's what I wanted and should have done it when he was closer to his late forties ideally, but here I am 8 years later and still trying to decide if it's truly what I want - I'd love nothing more than to make it work with him as there are so many beautiful aspects to our relationship: a lot of mutual love, care and respect, but I've always felt something missing at the core - think it's time to stop wishing I'll feel differently one day and do something to benefit the both of us in the long run.

@AgentJohnson yes, we faced a lot of difficulty for the first 3/4 years with my family (understandably), but they finally came round and it felt so nice to finally be able to breath a bit in the relationship, and part of that is why I've been reluctant to throw it away after all the work it took to get here.

@EarlyDayz - it’s really significant that you’ve always felt something missing at the core. Why would you fight to hold on to the relationship if it’s never quite met your needs?

As for not wanting to throw away what you fought for: that’s understandable from an ego perspective but again not wise. This man is not the partner for your future. If you squander your fertile years before making the break, you will regret it forever.

He sounds really lovely (as do you, OP!), but I think he is probably not the man you are going to create your family with. You’ve done lots of growing and changing with him and he has nurtured you through your twenties, and you have been great for each other in lots of ways, but the relationship has stopped serving you. It’s very sad to realise that but it would be sadder to stay. I hope you’re alright. You sound so caring and thoughtful, I’m sure you will do this in the kindest way possible. Xxx

He is way too old for you OP.

You need to end this and find someone closer to your age.

It sounds like your relationship has run its course anyway. You had some good times together for a while but I think you know this is not the right long term partner for you.

''@@MaireadMcSweeney

He was 47 and you were 24 when you got together.''

Indeed.

Rather grim for a man that age to get involved with someone so young. Not to mention selfish. I always think people in their 20s should be enjoying time with their peers and discovering what they want in life, not be stuck with and slowed down by a middle-aged partner who is at a completely different stage in life.

It was completely expected that you would grow and develop as a person and soon realise that this was not the right relationship for you.

I was in your shoes.

After 22years and a child together I had to get out.
We remained friends. It worked for us like that and we co-parented well and amicably to provide security and love for our offspring.

He’s dead now and I’m living my best life.
Don’t leave moving on too long. I know exactly how you’re feeling.

@closingtime101 thank you truly for your kind words xx I know that age gap relationships can be controversial, but honestly as devastated as I feel right now that I feel the relationship is nearing an end, I'd never for one second regret "throwing away my twenties" - he's an incredible person and I would have loved nothing more than to make it work, but for both of our sakes I think it's time to do the heartbreaking thing now and hope for a better future for us both - hurts like hell right now xx

@Suetcrust thank you for sharing your story ❤️ I'm so afraid I'm freaking out too much about the 'what ifs' in the future, which is how I viewed our relationship mostly up until now, but the older I get the more I realise that all those 'what ifs' may not turn out to be so hypothetical in the end, and hearing your story is testament to that xx

It’s not age per se. It’s an incompatibility that appears to be growing but doesn’t have to. My mother used to say a relationship was like a three-legged stool…the legs are Affection, Attraction and Allegiance, for it to work and not collapse you need each leg to be sturdy.
My DH is my best friend, 24 years older than I am, we’ve been together donkeys years and now in his seventies we still make love almost every day. The days he can’t physically have penetrative sex we cuddle and kiss and love, still.

I'm 32 and OH is 55

NowDH and I got together when I was 30 and he was 46. We have had some thirty great years.

However, he now uses a mobility scooter and stair lift, tends to go out only to medical appointments.

I am very dependent on friends for a real social life. Im lucky to have some good friends but I often ask myself whether, if I had known how we would end up, whether I would have gone ahead. I am honestly not sure.

Another ten years gap and I would definitely encourage you to get go ahead.

We did get a mortgage together when I was 40, they would only take my income into account as he was considered too old for a really competitively priced mortgage. Those are the kind of things you need to be aware of, especially if you are thinking of raising a family. All the best.

@AlwaysAlba yes, there are many people out there that can make an age gap work, and that's definitely not the main thing that worries me - if I could see a future with this man and felt excited about our future life together, the age gap would be worth it ten times over - but between my doubts + age gap, I feel right now I'd be climbing up hill for most of my life - thank you for sharing your story ❤️

@FinallyHere it does sound like you had a wonderful relationship for those 30 years, and hopefully those years spent together help you get through these difficult times now ❤

Do you mind me asking whether or not you had children together? I think that, and my current feelings about the relationship, is what's making it so difficult for me to imagine this relationship having a future that I can look forward to, as much as it pains me to admit.

Ask yourself whether he would be with a 78-year-old, because that's the difference the other way.

@EarlyDayz

No DC together. I never wanted any and his teenagers were just leaving school when we first met.

I did ask how he would feel about if, as suddenly knowing that I was pretty much closing that option down made me wonder whether that was the right decision for me. He said that he didn't really want any more but also wanted whatever I wanted, so would make whatever I wanted, work.

I'm soo glad now that we didn't start to raise a family together. I don't think it would have been practical or rather I know I would have been doing all the heavy lifting.

@FinallyHere yes, my partner has the exact same view towards children as yours did and actually I feel a lot of pressure about that, as our future depends solely on what I want.. also as I still have a good few fertile years left on my side, I don't want to say 110% that I don't want children, but at 55 my partner's age is only going to get more difficult for starting a family, I already feel it's at my personal limit.

@determinedtomakethiswork funny that, I actually asked him that exact question today! We have an 80 year old neighbour and I mentioned that when I'm his age (almost 56), it would be like him dating her! But he always replies with: "you knew what age I was when we first started dating, why is it an issue all of a sudden?", but as I get older, these things just feel more real, especially with the prospect of starting a family - you have to question these things and whether or not you're fully comfortable with them!

but as I get older, these things just feel more real, especially with the prospect of starting a family -

This. Absolutely this.

I think you know what to do.

@FinallyHere ❤I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read and reply, I know exactly what I need ❤

Can I ask how he makes a living? It sounds as though he's had a very free lifestyle but how does he manage financially?

It is inevitable that he will do anything to keep you on board at the moment. He is completely in denial about the fact he's so much older, and then blames you, saying that you knew how old he was at the beginning.

It's not fair for him to say that you knew what age he was at the beginning. You were really young and the future seems a long way off when you are in your 20s.
Things change and he shouldn't be trying to hold you to a decision made when you didn't really know what ageing would be like.

@ImAvingOops Thank you for your comment - of course, when he says that I can't help but feel a little naive or silly because yes, he's always been 23 years older and he says that I'm going off the idea of a relationship because he didn't stay 46 forever, but actually it's because I'm getting older that I view it so differently now - also, he's now asked me what I expect him to do, in the sense that having children is now extremely unlikely for him if he were to be single again at 55, but if children were truly on the cards for him I feel he should have starting dating someone closer to his age who was ready and willing to settle down - not a 24 year old who had little clue what I wanted out of life!

sorry but you will end up his carer further down the line, start to resent him because your life is not being fulfilled . If it’s not good in the bedroom now imagine at age 50/70 so young still to not have a sex life.
I know everything is not about sex but it plays a big part in a relationship.

please think really seriously about this, don’t leave it too late

@Seasider2017 yes, it's the issues now that are really prompting me to reconsider everything.

We're now in the process of splitting up. It's extremely painful and my heart is breaking, but I know in the long run it's the best decision for both of us.

For me to find my partner to start a family with and for him to find his person to settle down with.

I had been feeling so guilty and sad that I was being selfish by putting myself first and ending what has been a pleasant relationship and building a life together all these years, but he then said something today that cemented everything in my mind even further, he said:

"I thought I'd found my person to grow old with"

That struck a chord with me: how can he not see that if I stayed, I would never have that person? I'd be looking for 'my person' again by the time I'm his age now, and his denial and lack of recognition about that makes me see that he wants me to stay so he has someone to grow old with, but where does that leave me?

Everything is extremely overwhelming right now, we live abroad together and have a dog, so the process of going our separate ways will take some time, but as the days go, by I know I'm making the right decision for me in the long term, as hard as that it is to imagine right now.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me and give your perspectives, it confirmed what I already thought in my mind xx

Best of luck OP. It's sad to be ending a relationship where you still care for the other person, but I'm glad you are feeling reassured that it's the right thing.