Is it time to move on?

[EarlyDayz]

Hi everyone - looking for some advice/opinions regarding my relationship.

To give some background: I'm 32 and OH is 55, we've been together for 8 years and in the early days had some incredible adventures together (travelling the world, moving to a new country together, different cities etc.) He's extremely supportive of me and I never doubt his commitment to me and our life together, and I know he loves me - I've never doubted that.

My trouble is..I doubt whether or not I love him just as much as he loves me and have doubted our future together quite often.. for some reason I can't picture a future with him - he's asked me to marry him (and I've always somehow avoided answering, as it's never been a serious proposal) and he would have children with me (I think perhaps only because I've expressed my desire to have family, not because children are an actual priority for him - he would happily stay with me with no children if that's what I wanted) because of this, I feel quite a lot of pressure that the future of our relationship and how it will look falls on my shoulders i.e. kids or no kids.

Also, although we have great intimacy when it does happen, it's not nearly as frequent as I would like/need..maybe a couple of times a month at best..sometimes less frequent - I've openly communicated this with him on a number of occasions and he knows I personally need more from a relationship, and promises to try and do better but then weeks, maybe months pass and we fall back into a sexless routine again - he apologises and says it's difficult as he has a lower libido (his general personality + age).. I've also stopped making too many advances as I feel quite self-conscious when trying to initiate or 'ask' for sex and then the evening rolls around and nothing happens.

We do love spending time together and have a very easygoing and drama free relationship, and have been through a lot of difficult times together and always support each other and feel totally and utterly at ease around each other - but I just question whether all of that is enough to be 'forever' .. or whether or not I'm expecting too much from the relationship.. I had had relationships before him, but never as long as this or as serious, so I just don't know if my expectations are too high or if I should give myself a shot at finding a bigger kind of love out there.

I'm sorry if I sound melodramatic, but I find it difficult to talk to friends/family about my relationship worries, as we faced quite a lot opposition at the beginning because of our age difference (everyone accepts us now), but I've always felt quite vulnerable opening up about doubts I have because of that.

Thank you for reading xx

The age gap is huge.

I am a few years older than him and my fit active husband is 60.

But the difference between the life we lead at your age is huge.

There is a slowing down, it is natual aging.

We are both fit and active because we still have teens🙄, but we are in bed by 11pm so that we are rested to face another busy day.....it's just what age does.

Do not have a child with an old man.

You gave him years already.

Don't give him the rest of your youth to end up possibly being his carer.

Don't drag this out.

End it.
He will be fine.

I think a 47 man pursuing at 24 year old young woman is very selfish.

He has had your 20's for goodness sake don't waste your 30's on him.

@billy1966 thank you so much for sharing your experience xx I completely agree with you, it's certainly time to move on and doing something about it while I can now - Thankfully, I don't feel like I've wasted my 20s on him as we had some incredible experiences together that I'd never regret (walking across Europe, travelling India, climbing the Himalayas, living in a campervan travelling around Europe etc.) and I definitely appreciated his experience and wisdom during those times - but I've noticed the slowing down in the last few years and it is definitely not what I want to settle for yet for the rest of my life, so making a break now while we have no kids, no mortgage, not even a joint bank account seems the wisest thing I can do for myself right now as I feel I'm only entering the good years! In my 30s and feel as confident as ever in who I am and I cannot face a life of asking for sex once in a blue moon, if I'm lucky...! (+ all of the added age related factors!)

@JJ8765 yes, I've read quite a lot of studies on the issue and that fathers over 45 bring increased risk - many of the conclusions are that yes, there is an increased risk, but overall the risk still remains on the lower side; however, it is definitely something that bothers me and I find it difficult to think about conceiving and raising a child with someone that much older with added biological and societal risk, which is another huge factor in my apprehensions moving forward... of course, his reply is men father children at much older ages even than him, but just because it's possible biologically doesn't mean it's the ideal scenario either.

Thank you for sharing xx

Move on. He's too old for you.

@FictionalCharacter you're right, it's the doubts about the present that are making my future look so much harder - I know people out there couldn't give a toss about an age gap because they're so well suited now and madly in love with each other - I guess my doubt was always: is that sort of love just in the movies? and is the slowing down and getting comfortable just part and parcel of a long term relationship?

In Holland an age gap is frowned upon and a man is accused of stealing a young woman's life. Also, sperm doners are younger men. It could take a good few years to fall pregnant and by this time his lovemaking days will be over.

End it, don't waste anymore of his time, now you are having serious doubts. He will need to move on too, so be kind and don't drag it out

He was 47 and you were 24 when you got together. No shade to you for that but he should have known better and certainly should have known that you'd outgrow him some day. Well that day has come and that's enough reason in itself. No need for you to be cruel but you can be honest - you're at different life stages (vastly different) and it's not working for you any more.

And on the matter of having kids - my DP had his in his 40s. He's now early 50s with 3 under 11. It's a lot and although he's youthful and healthy and very fit he gets knackered physically and emotionally by the responsibility of parenting (and he only does it part time!) so the idea that your man is ready to have kids in his late 50s seems very pie in the sky.

“He was 47 and you were 24 when you got together. No shade to you for that but he should have known better and certainly should have known that you'd outgrow him some day. Well that day has come and that's enough reason in itself. No need for you to be cruel but you can be honest - you're at different life stages (vastly different) and it's not working for you any more.”

This with bells on. He’s reaping what he sowed. Of course he glosses over your differences - your relationship meets his needs. It doesn’t meet yours.

There are good reasons why age gap relationships make those who care about the young person uneasy. When a young person gets together with a much older person, there’s a huge power imbalance in favour of the older person. You don’t know it because you don’t know what you don’t know. I’m sure you’re amazing but I think it also reflects him not wanting to deal with the emotional maturity and experience which would be brought to the relationship by a woman much closer to him in age.

He needs to let you go. Otherwise you’re going to waste your fertile years with someone who no longer has the energy for parenthood and who has an increased likelihood of fathering a child with health issues because of his age. You’re 32 already - you don’t have years to waste on this.

And for all you may know people who don’t give a toss about age gap relationships, there are plenty who think they’re not ideal. It is quite common to see threads on here from women who, at a very young age, got together with a much older man: when those younger women reach their 30s, they start to be aware of all kinds of power imbalances or even that they’ve just been shoe-horned into living a prematurely middle aged life and missed chances to live for themselves during their 20s.

Slowing down and getting comfortable together is to be expected when both are of similar age. What you have is one partner ageing and one young. You have many years to go before you start ageing.
Your partner's sex drive is badly mismatched with yours and I wonder if it's connected with a health problem. Both my ex and my husband both had good sex drives in their 50s.
Honestly, it sounds like this relationship has run its course, because it's no longer meeting your needs. You can have a better future.

My ex bf was 23 years older than me and it didn’t work out. We wanted different things. He was planning on retiring and had the desire to live a slow, quiet life. It wasn’t what I wanted. Thinking towards the future would always worry me, thinking I’d need to be on my own at 50, 55 possibly. My current DP is same age as me and I feel so happy and content knowing that we (hopefully) have many happy years together

@twtwinklelight so true, I know anyone can die at any age, but you at least want to build a life with someone as though you'll live forever and not be constantly worrying about what it's going to look like, which is exactly what I'm doing now.

It really clicked with me a few months ago, we mentioned to a friend about an idea to buy a house and renovate it to include a cafe and he was like, yeaa brilliant idea you could slowly do it up and in the next 10years have it paid off (with a small mortgage) and it dawned on me, he'd be nearing 70 - all things I was fully aware of getting into the relationship, but in my early twenties I wasn't thinking of 'forever', so I'm having a bit of a wake up call now!

@FictionalCharacter he says he's never had a particularly high sex drive and it just doesn't cross his mind all that often, but honestly it ends up making me feel like a bit of a pest if I ask too much because he says he likes to show his affection in other ways (doing things for me and helping me out etc.) but I've always said to him, the one thing that differentiates a romantic relationship with a friendship is intimacy, and I know that can ebb and flow the longer you're with someone, but I feel I have more than a few years left in me yet 😬

@MaireadMcSweeney we've had a lot of serious chats over the couple of weeks and he knows I'm reaching the end of what I can put into this relationship, he's said it himself that perhaps he should have let me go a long time ago, but that I chose him - to which I reply, no we chose each other and now it's just not working anymore, no one's fault, no one is wrong or to blame and I hate making him feel beyond his years because at 55 he still has a lot of life to live, but when comparing it to me now I think he's really starting to see/feel the difference, but secretly hoping it will all fix itself somehow.

I'm 31, my Dad is 55. He's active and stuff, but we are very different and enjoy different things. He likes to chill and enjoy his retirement (fire service), sometimes walks etc. I have a normal busy 31 year old life with kids and friends and meeting myself coming backwards. I can only imagine this would be intensified by 100 if it was your partner with this age gap.
I think age gaps can work, but around our age you probably really begin to notice, as the 55 year old nears pension age etc!

I think you have outgrown this relationship and probably it is time to move on. You are in a comfortable relationship but it is not providing everything you need. Deep down you know this as you have not agreed to marry him.

@Zola1 he's for sure not the typcial 55 year old, has travelled the world and has a very alternative view to life, something which I always valued in him.

My own dad is 7 years older than him and I have uncles his age, but I think because he didn't raise a family and settle down like most, he has a very different outlook on life than most 55 year olds, but there's no denying the sudden lack of motivation to try new things, make friends and put yourself out there - I really feel like I'm missing that now!

He was 47 when he got involved you and you were 23. That's a big age gap and it become more apparent say over the past few months. Your 30 and you done some traveling with him. You probably seeing your friends getting married, having kids and buying houses. Your thinking long term about what you want and I think you like the chance of having a family.
Meanwhile he is 55 and your sex life has slowed down. You notice he is happy with things as they are and is probably slowly down a bit.

I think that 55 is far to old for a man to have a child. I know fit couples in their 30 and 40's and they found having a child hard going at times. Also they have planned that they won't be supporting a child in college when they are collecting their state pension.
I think dealing with a 15 year old and a 70/71 husband would be very hard going.

I currently work with a lady in her early 60's and her husband is 10 years older. She wants to go places and do things and meanwhile he is happy to stay at home. She has a child doing A levels this year so she has to stay working full time till they are finished college.

Along with this I think that in time she could end up caring for him.

At this stage I think that you be better off ending things with this man. Your age gap is to big and your at different life stages. You don't want to end up with a disabled child due to his age. Nor do you want to end up caring for him when your still a young woman.
You could end up with a child you need to support and a man who needs care at the same time.

My husband is 50 and our youngest is 4. He def is starting to feel older despite being the more energetic one of us generally. Yours would be 60 or older when 4 if you start trying now and as much as we hate it children do seem to irritate older men more. Mine wasn't like this when the older ones were 4.

You will always get a variety of opinions on here but having children very late is not for the faint hearted.

The baby stage is a breeze to what the teens and early 20's can be when you are around 60.

We are blessed with healthy children but that is just luck.

He sounds like someone you enjoyed time with but he is coming to that stage where a slower pace can be very appealing.

The difference between every 5 years as you age can really become pronounced.
50-55, 55-60, 60-65, within a 5 year time frame, things can really change.

The difference between a 50 to 73 year old, 60 to 83 year old is simply enormous.

This stuff was not on my radar in any way in my 30's.

The years fly. Enjoy this time.
Don't feel bad or guilt, you have none.

You do not owe him these years.
I had a definite thing for a couple of older men in my early 20's...skirmishes!

I get the attraction to an interesting, intelligent, witty successful man......

But don't drag it out.

Make your decision, store the happy memories and wish him well.

Move on, don't spend your one precious life with an old man. He should never have gone after a woman so much younger than him.

Your hearts no longer in this relationship and familiarity, guilt, your relationship finally being accepted, not wanting to hurt him are the reasons you stay.

If you want children, you really don’t have the time to coast in a relationship which you know deep down doesn’t have the future you want.

You know what to do.

My trouble is..I doubt whether or not I love him just as much as he loves me and have doubted our future together quite often.. for some reason I can't picture a future with him

That tells you all you need to know.
If you can't picture a future with him it means there is no future.
The age-gap is a problem. That said, I know a couple with a similar age gap - he is now in his 80s - but he is only just starting to slow down now. He's always been very active - mountain climbing and so on. And he and his wife have a common passion which unites them. They have children too, but they had them when he was still in his 40s - fairly soon after the relationship began. They had so many people against them, saying it wouldn't work, but it has.
However, your relationship does not sound like that. 55 is too late really for him to become a father. You'll be bringing those children up alone. He might go on to have serious health issues - and that can happen sooner than you think. You'll be dealing with young children and an aging partner.

I think you should end it. You are so young still. In 10 years he will be retired and you'll have another 25 years to work, while he's sitting around doing whatever it is he plans to do in retirement. It will drive you mad in the end because he's already showing you that he's slowing down. If he was still full of energy and adventure and all the rest of it, it might be a different story.
Apart from that, the sex life doesn't meet your needs either.
Don't waste the best years of your life being a carer for him. Cruel as that sounds, it's sadly the truth.