Hard to be attracted to men in your 30s?

[JollieJullie]

Has anyone else found it increasingly harder to feel romantically attracted to anyone as they entered their 30s and beyond?

I am 33, almost 34 and have been single for 3 years. I hope I don't sound too arrogant, but I have found it quite easy to attract men in a dating context. However, I find really hard to develop any kind of romantic connection or sexual attraction to any of these perfectly fine guys. In the last years there have been several men with whom I have gone on 8-10 dates over the course of a couple of months, but I just didn't develop any feelings so I ended up calling it off. Sex without interest/ feelings is also very boring to me so I just wasn't interested in continuing.

I am not sure if there is something wrong with me or maybe I am just someone who doesn't like many people in that romantic way. I am really comfortable being single so perhaps I don't desire a relationship strongly enough? Maybe if I was more "desperate" for a partner I would be more keen on developing these feelings? I wonder if maybe it is online dating that just doesn't work for me? In my teens and 20s I had a lot of crushes and found lots of men attractive, so I don't know what has changed. I meet new people regularly and make plenty of friends, so it is not like I don't like people in general either!

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and if you have any thoughts to share that might help me understand. Thanks!

I think you're just discerning.
You sound like you have a good life and are only really interested in someone who has the wow factor.
Fantastic, men would definitely up their game if all women were more like you.

My only reservation (because this is what I am like) is that you might be attracted to 'bad' guys but only go out with 'good' guys (because you're not an idiot) but that means you're never getting attracted to them because they don't represent the danger/thrill you really would like?

Doubt there’s anything wrong with you! I’ve been wrestling with similar stuff. But slightly different as already have a child and H died, so now in my late 30s I’m probably looking for very different things than I was in my 20s - maybe more fun and companionship now, rather than someone to provide while I’m pregnant and raise babies with - things change as you age. I think dating is definitely harder as you get older. It’s easier to get pickier and, as you say, you’re happy alone so why would you settle?

Maybe you’ve just not met the right person yet. Also I think women’s sexual attraction grows when men are emotionally attentive - I’ve had the book ‘Come as You Are’ by Dr Emily Nagoski recommended to me on that subject but haven’t read it yet. Do you know what it feels like to have someone be emotionally attentive to you, and have the men you’ve been on dates with been like that with you? You could delve into attachment theory and what your parents were like with you when you were little if you want to explore that more.

but there’s obviously something that keeps you looking and going on dates, so maybe have a think about what it is you want - what keeps you looking? If you decided to come off the dating sites and stop looking, would you feel disappointed about missing out on something you want?

Normally, the general consensus is that women get less discerning as they enter their 30s as their biological clock gets louder and they become more desperate for a partner, whereas in their 20s they could afford to be a lot pickier! You seem to be the opposite!

I am not bothered about children, maybe that is why I don't fit with the general trend!

Same here. I find men go rapidly downhill physically after 30. We do too I guess but we have make-up 😅

I think I know what you mean. Maybe as you get older you start to see through people a bit more, so it's harder to get all starry eyed about anyone because you're more aware of the reality rather than the daydream.

Would you consider broadening your dating criteria? What about much older men, what about other women? I met my partner offline during an event related to a shared interest. I had previously tried online dating. Somehow I think I was looking for substance over style and luckily I found someone that has it in spades, as well as being v sexy (to me anyway)! Online dating is hard for finding substance so I wonder if it would work better to try and meet someone offline with whom you have a real connection through shared interests?

32 here, dating for 6 months.
What I'm looking for now vs what I was looking for the last time I was single, 12 years ago, is very different.

Coupled with knowledge of abuse, a horrific experience with my ex and knowing my self worth, I'm not attracted to many many men.

I've learnt physical attraction is a lesser priority than intellectual and emotional awareness.

Not many men meet what I want.

I totally get what you mean. I was thinking about when I was a teenager and the all encompassing crushes I would have! Just totally head over heels writing them a letter a day and hand crafting gifts that declared my love (that they hated because they were teenage boys). Or just completely obsessed with a guy I’d seen on the bus once. I think it’s just hormones balancing out really.

I am similar to you, like meeting new people, have plenty of friends but don't really develop what I would call an 'attachment' to anyone romantically. I can enjoy someone's company and find people attractive but don't get to the point of being involved emotionally.

I think when you are happy with your life as it is a relationship can mean making compromises you aren't willing to for anything less than amazing, and amazing men are few and far between.

Try being attracted to single men in their 50s!!

Good luck to any optimist trying to feel attraction.

I'm single (obviously)

Date younger men! Who says you have to date someone exactly your age? Experiment and see what works for you

My last bf was 5 years younger, but I'm done now.
That's what works fore. not dating.
I know it can all feel more important in your 30s though.

I tried but I don't like them either! I don't think it is an age thing (as in these men's age)

I’ve said a very similar thing on a different thread recently, I just find the spark super elusive but the difference here is that I always have no matter what age! Then the moment I come across someone who has the spark promise about them I can become totally obsessive and irrational 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would have said date younger but if they're not doing to for you either, it might be just that you're at the age now where younger isn't what you're into. Like as you age you just stop fancying men under a certain age.. so that rules them out too.

Hasn't happened to me yet. I'm 34 and ill happily date 25 and up xD

We met on OLD - tinder in fact . I knew he would be on decent money as he's a GP but last year he made about 200k, and I earn decently (55k) so clearly a big difference. I wasn't bothered about finances though and we didn't talk about money for first 9 months or so!

@xJoy I hear you! I look at the men in my workplace in late 40s and most look like they have had a very hard life, or just didn't look after themselves. Sun and smoking damage and poor teeth. Maybe younger men will look after themselves more.

I think it's evolution. Women have a limited number of eggs so we're looking for a special person to fertilise them (this is subconscious so happens whether or not we want to have children) whereas men have millions of sperm so they want to sow their wild oats.

Personally, I'm only attracted to one man in about 500 thousand, but that's probably just me.

I agree with you OP and been mulling over the same thoughts lately. I separated after 20 years last year. I Am late 30s. I look at men and think to myself do I / could I find you attractive? And I don't think I do find men in their late 30s / early 40s attractive. Or maybe I'm just used to that feeling of "fancying" someone like I did in my teens - that rush of lust and excitement - and haven't figured out what that feels like 20 years later when I've already had children and don't have that wide eyed excitement of youth anymore?

I’m in my 30s and feel the same. I met someone very attractive last year but didn’t develop any feelings for him or want to sleep with him so I ended it. Tried dating apps but wasn’t attracted to anyone, must have swiped right on about three men out of 1000. I’ve stopped looking now. I don’t want children so it’s not a priority.

I don’t remember it being this difficult to feel attracted to someone in my 20s. Maybe it’s because I’m so jaded and cynical now after being in abusive relationships. I feel like I’ve forgotten what the point of a relationship is, so why put myself through it?

😆

Same, I'm in a relationship so I'm not 'looking' but I very very rarely see or meet anyone that I find attractive. So that's gonna be fun if I ever find myself single.

You sound quite shallow.

@MintTeaAndChocolate, It isn't shallow to not find some people unattractive. Bsd teeth is a real turn off. Women are judged on external appearances especially when younger and it evens up when the sexes are older.