Hard to be attracted to men in your 30s?

[JollieJullie]

Has anyone else found it increasingly harder to feel romantically attracted to anyone as they entered their 30s and beyond?

I am 33, almost 34 and have been single for 3 years. I hope I don't sound too arrogant, but I have found it quite easy to attract men in a dating context. However, I find really hard to develop any kind of romantic connection or sexual attraction to any of these perfectly fine guys. In the last years there have been several men with whom I have gone on 8-10 dates over the course of a couple of months, but I just didn't develop any feelings so I ended up calling it off. Sex without interest/ feelings is also very boring to me so I just wasn't interested in continuing.

I am not sure if there is something wrong with me or maybe I am just someone who doesn't like many people in that romantic way. I am really comfortable being single so perhaps I don't desire a relationship strongly enough? Maybe if I was more "desperate" for a partner I would be more keen on developing these feelings? I wonder if maybe it is online dating that just doesn't work for me? In my teens and 20s I had a lot of crushes and found lots of men attractive, so I don't know what has changed. I meet new people regularly and make plenty of friends, so it is not like I don't like people in general either!

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and if you have any thoughts to share that might help me understand. Thanks!

@Gwenhwyfar Although in those studies I find it strange that lesbians were not aroused by naked men, gay men were not aroused by naked women and straight men were not aroused by naked men. some women say its because women are too sexualized by society but then why do gay men not get turned on by women?

but I dont think straight women actually exist or if they do then probaly have a very low sex drive, women with high sex drives are always bisexual.

I think its a choice for women because I've heard stories of many women reaching a certain age and just switching to women, this never happens to men

Maybe its the nature of the forum - but the conversation seems entirely focussed on the OPs 'right' to feel and experience sexual attraction. No-one ever talks about duties - duties are the balancing entry in the great ledger of rights. Wedding vows describe the duties of a marriage - love, honour and obey (or cherish, if you are younger). Til death us do part. In sickness, and in health. For richer, for poorer. These vows were written by people who knew that there is unlikely to be any great sexual attraction or lust between couples who remain married into old age. What has happened to our world where the level of entitlement is so great that people expect romantic perfection from the outset, and for it to continue indefinitely, and for every aspect of that relationship to be centred on their needs? There are times that I loathe my DP - but I feel it is my duty to work through that for the greater good of the marriage. If I'd quit at the first hurdle, I'd never have experienced any of the joys. It is the balance that matters.

@Whatalovelypair do you have a low sex drive or are asexual? because I've noticed that women who have high sex drives are always bisexual while women who swear that they are 100 percent straight are usually asexual or have a low sex drive.

I lost sexual attraction at menopause. Could this be a possibility?

@Mark19735 also, its very common for women to be bisexual and they say either women are bisexual or lesbian but never straight. OP might be bisexual or interested in women although at the same time many men dont seem to care about thier appearance due to years of being told that women dont go for looks.

as a straight man in his 30s I have always took great care of my appearance, use skincare products, I have spent money on cosmetic procedures although nothing like botox or anything crazy (usually chemical peels, mole removals, teeth whitening etc). I also always work out and make sure to wear good clothes, I have had women think that Im gay and have had gay men approach me before just because im into my appearance lol

Yeah, let’s not say that asexuality is due to trauma. Or sexual dysfunction.
Women can choose not to deal with men, but there is no reason to be offensive towards people who never felt any sexual attraction towards others.
That is like saying all asexuals should be sent to conversion therapy, to make the feel sexual attraction/be sexual.
Let’s keep these things seperate from the issue op and other’s are dealing with.

@kitsuneghost In a way it makes sense for a woman to not find men attractive after menopause because now they cant have kids where as men produce sperm until we die so thats why we remain attracted to women. women's sexualities are very fluid and many women admit to finding girls more sexier/arousing but desire relationships with men because they want a family. once they have kids then there is no need for a man and if women find other women more sexier then thats why they decide to go lesbian

@user93894 I think I have a normal or slightly high libido. I'd like to have sex everyday at least once but some days of the month I'd love to multiple times a day. The idea of giving a woman oral sex or touching her genitals repulses me.
When I see a naked woman, if she's very good looking I feel jealous and envious of her and if she's average or unconventionally attractive I feel indifferent about her. I don't even like looking at vulvas and vaginas. I'd rather admire a male statute than a female. I like the body and faces of men.
Can I see the study you mentioned please?

How have you been finding dating if you're not into women emotionally but still like them sexually? Do you just end up using prostitutes or have found FWBs?

I think I would just be upfront from the start as I wouldn’t want to waste anyone’s time. My friend is a lesbian and has dated women who’d never dated women before. It didn’t put her off at all, she enjoyed the experiences.

@Whatalovelypair well I think that I could love a woman but its just so hard for me to develop feelings for a woman, Im also not really into one night stands although I do have a high sex drive but I just use my hand to deal with that (lol). I wouldn't use a prostitute but I have just always been more into the idea of raising kids than getting married, many women want marriage and I've just never been into the idea of getting married.

Im just not a romantic type of guy, instead of going out to a fancy restaurant id rather order a Chinese and chill watching some Netflix with a woman before having a shag

"Although in those studies I find it strange that lesbians were not aroused by naked men, gay men were not aroused by naked women and straight men were not aroused by naked men. some women say its because women are too sexualized by society but then why do gay men not get turned on by women?"

If I remember rightly, the famous study we're probably both remembering also found that women were aroused by watching videos of animals mating. That doesn't mean women are into bestiality does it?

"why do gay men not get turned on by women?""

I don't know, but I'd be inclined to believe it's a difference between men and women rather than between gay and straight.
And some gay men are massive fans of certain women and I think attractiveness does play a part in that. Diana Ross and Kylie Minogue, for example.

"women with high sex drives are always bisexual."

Not sure that's proven, but it could go the other way around couldn't it, that people with high sex drives can have sex with anyone, whatever their basic sexuality.

OP is not married so this is not really relevant.

Except there is a chance that OP will never be married if OP doesn't overcome their aversion. If she is happy with that - that's fine. If she's happier being with a woman, that's fine too.

But @pixie5121 - I think you need to expose yourself to some cross-cultural influences. There are millions of marriages that last far longer than most western ones where the bride and groom only met on their wedding day. Sexual intimacy grows and develops. It's not purely about initial attraction. Unless you're a "me, me, me, I want it all, must have gratification now" kind of girl, I guess. It just doesn't surprise me that so many of those end up lamenting their situations on this and other threads, that's all.

I'm similar OP, I hardly ever meet people I'm attracted to.

I'm married so it's not an issue now (obviously very attracted to my H) but when we first got together, he was the only person I'd been attracted to in years - so I was very happy/ relieved we did get together!

One thing I will say is that online dating/ speed dating simply did not work for me. Theres something about the forced nature of it and meeting someone purely for that purpose, which is quite off putting to me, even if they are otherwise attractive. I need to get to know someone in a more normal context for quite a long time before I can feel attracted to them.

If the men you are dating are all from online dating then maybe it's more about the way you are meeting people than the people themselves?

I met my H through a hobby which was just perfect as I saw how he was around other people, saw him pursuing a passion, feeling relaxed etc. It was much more natural and easy. And I actually wasnt attracted to him straight away, it took almost a year until I knew him properly that I realised 😂

@Gwenhwyfar but from that study lesbians seem to be similar to straight men in terms of only being turned on by women. some gay men love female actresses or singers but they wouldn't be attracted to them, even if you just admire someones looks I wouldn't call that being attracted to someone. in my opinion being attracted to someone means that you could see yourself having sex with them and that they turn you on to where you want to have sex with them.

although many women who identify as straight are what you call "hetromantic" meaning that they only ever want to date men even tho they have sexual feelings for women. some women also believe in things like "but every woman is attracted to women even straight ones" and for years they just call themselves straight even when they are not.

if you ask lesbians if they are turned on by naked men or naked women they will say "naked women" and would be grossed out by men. where as if you asked your average straight identifying woman that question they probaly will say women turns them on more.

gay men from my experience seem to be grossed out by naked women although as a man I dont understand that because I love everything about the female body. I dont think the male body is gross and some men look very good although Im not sexually attracted to men at all, your average looking woman will always look more sexier to me than someone like henry cavil or jason momoa for example.

@spelunky are you attracted to women?

Why is that relevant?

@spelunky Because you mentioned that you need to get to know a man before finding him sexually attractive, many bisexual women are like that when it comes to men where as for women they can find women attractive without knowing them. A bi woman can get turned on visually by random naked women but not naked men

"Except there is a chance that OP will never be married if OP doesn't overcome their aversion."

The post was about duty. Really not relevant to a single person.

Yes well I can see there's a lot of focus on this above, no idea why. I think this thread is getting derailed.

OP didn't ask anything about sexuality, so no I won't be answering that.

user93894 you didn't address my point about the videos of animals mating i.e. you can be aroused by watching something without wanting to do it.

Are you on birth control?

I have little sex drive most of the time. Every time my implant gets into it's last 6 months - three times now- I become rabid.

Discerning or you have standards, good to read.