Hard to be attracted to men in your 30s?

[JollieJullie]

Has anyone else found it increasingly harder to feel romantically attracted to anyone as they entered their 30s and beyond?

I am 33, almost 34 and have been single for 3 years. I hope I don't sound too arrogant, but I have found it quite easy to attract men in a dating context. However, I find really hard to develop any kind of romantic connection or sexual attraction to any of these perfectly fine guys. In the last years there have been several men with whom I have gone on 8-10 dates over the course of a couple of months, but I just didn't develop any feelings so I ended up calling it off. Sex without interest/ feelings is also very boring to me so I just wasn't interested in continuing.

I am not sure if there is something wrong with me or maybe I am just someone who doesn't like many people in that romantic way. I am really comfortable being single so perhaps I don't desire a relationship strongly enough? Maybe if I was more "desperate" for a partner I would be more keen on developing these feelings? I wonder if maybe it is online dating that just doesn't work for me? In my teens and 20s I had a lot of crushes and found lots of men attractive, so I don't know what has changed. I meet new people regularly and make plenty of friends, so it is not like I don't like people in general either!

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and if you have any thoughts to share that might help me understand. Thanks!

I absolutely identify with this.
I am divorced (42 with two children). I find my female friendships much more fulfilling than any of the relationships I have had with men.

@pixie5121 this one!! I could have written your post!

As I get older more than anything I want a mental and emotional connection. I haven't met many men who are good with the emotional connection if I am honest.

I'm a solo mother by choice - I ended up using a sperm a donor to conceive as by the end of my late 30s it was very slim pickings in terms of finding a suitable partner to settle down with. I think my ovaries were on fire before this time as I kept finding lots of men attractive, but now? I honestly don't understand what the bug deal is?! Most seem to only want sex (OLD) and most lack the emotional intelligence (real life and OLD) experience as @Aweebitpainful has mentioned. Probably in the past I was compensating for their faults in order to have a chance at having a family. I think my main drive for being in romantic relationships was to have children. Good sex can be found outside of a romantic relationship so even that isn't a "driver".

Similar here but not quite, I'm mid 20's been single for 2 years after 4 years of living with my ex partner. I told myself I wouldn't have flings etc. as I just feel to old to do that and I'm not interested in wasting time...however, I now haven't had sex or anything intimate in 2 years also. I have gone on dates and even on occasion gotten close to relationship but the men I'm dating become major red flags and I ultimately find myself no longer interested. Examples include-lying about being single, getting too clingy and sending me 30 messages whilst I'm at work and being far too on and off and messing me about. I'm so over it all and don't know what to do, all of these men have ranged between around 26-32 years old and I honestly don't know what else to do to find a genuine guy.

yes- unfortunately, (or fortunately), I think it’s about being able to see that most of them aren’t psychologically mature or working on themselves.

it’s absolutely difficult to be attracted to someone when you can see their games and bullshit.

there ARE men out there who are decent people, who are working on themselves, but they are so rare.

I am done with them all, because I simply have good taste, and the patriarchy is something they’d have to be able to see before they could fight free of those lenses.

i, too, have no trouble attracting the creatures; I usually give them the number of a good therapist.

Are you on the pill or any other hormonal contraception? If you are sensitive to hormones they can really destroy your feelings of attraction/sex drive. However, I also don't know any attractive men in real life.

The teeth thing is unfortunately true. I’m mid forties, divorced and do the odd bit of online dating. I’m in no way shallow but the number of men with bad teeth is such a turn off, such a lack of self respect not to brush teeth twice a day. I don’t know any women my age with rotten teeth and bad breath.

As I turned 40, I stopped fancying men
completely and only fancied women from then on. Always been heterosexual, long relationship
with a man and I’d had kids. Once my relationship ended, I started dating women. It happens a lot.

I think you need the package as you get older. Physical attraction, interests, emotional attraction and traits.

i would of passed my DP when I was shallow and younger. We met OLD and clicked. He is not traditionally my type but everything else just fell into place. we get on and have amazing sex

guys feel the same. My friend says it’s not just the body that turns him on now, more the mind

I found I disliked men more and found myself harder to be impressed. My criteria in men became a lot more picky when I'm supposedly less attractive now due to already having DC and being older. I was far less picky in my twenties and developed crushes more easily then.

I wouldn't go on a date if I didn't fancy the guy or had initial spark and chemistry and I wouldn't have sex with men I didn't like so I would say stop doing this since you're not finding the emotionless sex satisfying.. frankly I doubt most women would.. and I wouldn't go on date after date if I'm not attracted to the guy. You don't need to try so hard to like a guy persuading yourself with several dates.. this is something an older woman looking for a sensible marriage and wants children that might do, but as you're under no time pressure, I just wouldn't force it with these guys and I certainly wouldn't have sex so soon or without feelings.

This is me! I’ve always found women attractive but I’m not sure if I’m attracted to them like that, but then I don’t seem to be attracted to any men like that either. I have dreams about women and have increasingly found myself wondering if I’m a closet lesbian. The thing that’s stopped me pursuing it is that I don’t enjoy oral sex. And I just can’t quite imagine it. But still, the thoughts are there and I think I would go with it if the situation were to arise ‘organically’ as they say.

@anthurium its funny when you mentioned that you only wanted a relationship with a man just to have kids. As a man in his mid 30s I have never been attracted to women emotionally or romantically, I never wanted to get married and I have always found romantic gestures a bit "cringy" although Im very much sexually attracted to women (Im straight by the way). If I had kids of my own then I would have no desire to have a relationship with a woman, I would rather focus on raising my kids and if I needed my sexual needs met then just get a Fwbs. I can be friends with a woman, I would like my kids to have a mother figure but I have never been in love with any woman

I've always kept myself in very good shape, tall, I probaly use more skincare products than most women, I have a full set of teeth, good paying job, full head of hair etc but Im only into younger women. many women my age are taken, have baggage (i.e kids) or have let themselves go. I only go for women under 25.

But if your an older woman who is struggling to find men your age attractive then go for younger men or maybe even date women because LOTS of women are bisexual from my experience especially when they get older

@Darhon do you think sexuality is a choice for women? because they have even done studies which prove than women are either bisexual or lesbian but never straight, many women who identify as straight would still have sex with a woman and find women's bodies attractive although only feel emotionally/romantically into men

Didn't the opposite happen to Mary Harrington? Ended up married to a man and had a child later after spending many years with women.
I suppose it depends on whether you believe sexual orientation is something you are born with or develop later but the problem with the idea of it being a response to trauma is that by that logic conversion therapy is a valid option to deprogram gay people into being straight. I reckon PPs were always bi or lesbian in denial rather than became traumatised into homosexuality.

I was 21 when we married which even back when we did and even compared to my parents was very young. I think people perhaps get a bit more discerning/fussy with age. Sometimes they can put up so very many requirements from a man they are basically deciding I will always be single (as they have inadvertently put up too many barriers such that there is hardly a man on the planet who will meet the standards).

I also find it hard to believe that most of the women abused by men turn to women apropos of nothing just because men inflicted abuse onto them. If they were straight they might still lust after men but avoid them, get back into relationships or practice celibacy and/or experience sexual dysfunction or asexuality. I mean, I wish I was bisexual my life would be easier with another woman I think but I just can't stomach the idea of sex with a woman.

Correction, asexuality is probably the wrong word there. Replace with low or diminished libido.

"No, not just you. I think it's part of the reason I've clung onto some unhealthy relationships...when there are so, so few men you're attracted to, and find one who likes you back, it can be hard to let go."

Yes, if they like me back it's one in a million!
I think it might be a sex drive thing as well though. Friends with higher sex drives seem to be less fussy.

I brush my teeth and go to the dentist so they're not rotten. However I have missing teeth so it happens to women too and isn't necessarily a sign of laziness - granted it's a sign of not being rich or being afraid of invasive procedures.

"I wouldn't go on a date if I didn't fancy the guy or had initial spark and chemistry"

For many people attraction grows so if you did this you'd really be cutting your changes.

I don't think that's what the studies showed - they just showed that women were aroused by images of other women. If you have others, please give the link.