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Original poster

Partner pressuring me to join in on family trips

81 replies

radroa · 15/03/2023 21:27

Last March I found out I was pregnant, partner was not supportive and wanted a termination.

I went for my BPAS scan, found a missed miscarriage and took the pills to medically induce the miscarriage. I found all of this incredibly hard and we had to have couples therapy for six months.

I've found the year anniversary difficult, mother's day coming up etc.

Partner has a DD and has friends who have children around her age and they want to go camping. I've said I don't want to go and partner has reacted really negatively.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable not wanting to go on a camping trip for children, when I don't have any children. Aside from him clearly invalidating what I've been through, I don't think that's surprising that I wouldn't want to go, is it?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/03/2023 21:34

Am so sorry for your loss. Are you saying/or is he hearing you will never want to holiday with his dd?

Newestname002 · 15/03/2023 21:34

He has no right to pressure you on anything. You are an adult with your own agency to make your own decisions. Stand firm and quietly but firmly and consistently tell him you hope he'll enjoy his camping holiday but you'll be doing something else. He sounds a rather unsympathetic person. 🌹

Bookendedbylife · 15/03/2023 21:36

He sounds very insensitive OP.

Have you told him why you don’t want to go? I agree, it does seem obvious why but maybe he just hasn’t thought it through.

Are you sure he wants more kids?

category12 · 15/03/2023 21:36

Sorry for your loss.

If you're with someone who has a child, tho, if you're serious about him, it's not really reasonable or sustainable to not want to be around children?

Are you sure it was the right thing to do to carry on with a relationship with a man who wanted you to abort if you didn't?

Original poster
radroa · 15/03/2023 21:38

MichelleScarn · 15/03/2023 21:34

Am so sorry for your loss. Are you saying/or is he hearing you will never want to holiday with his dd?

I've agreed to go camping with his sister and her children. I just don't want to go with two people I don't know and their children.

I find going to kids parties and very children focused activities to be very draining as it reminds me of what I don't have/lost.

I've taken his DD on holiday the three of us and taken her to children's parties, museums, days out. I try really hard to be involved and plan nice days.

I just don't want to do it with other families, I feel like an outsider and the odd one out being the only non-parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
radroa · 15/03/2023 21:41

Bookendedbylife · 15/03/2023 21:36

He sounds very insensitive OP.

Have you told him why you don’t want to go? I agree, it does seem obvious why but maybe he just hasn’t thought it through.

Are you sure he wants more kids?

I've told him exactly why. I've suggested I take up some more grief counselling and check with them if it's unreasonable to draw a boundary here. It's not avoiding children completely, I will be more comfortable going to family things when I get the chance to have children of my own though.

He knows I want my own and am waiting for him to be ready. He's said December, I was hoping for sooner but I don't want to push him into something and give him a chance to make sure he's really sure.

OP posts:
LividNC · 15/03/2023 21:43

In the most well-meant way, will you ever be able to trust him?

You could use a donor and become a single mother by choice. He won’t be able to control you then.

LividNC · 15/03/2023 21:43

And I don’t say that flippantly like some people might. I spent several years having fertility treatment as a solo woman.

PutinTheFuckingBasket · 15/03/2023 21:44

Why will he be ready to ttc in 9 months time, but not now? Has he given a reason?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2023 21:47

I'm very concerned that he's future faking you. Something doesn't sit right.

Original poster
radroa · 15/03/2023 21:50

LividNC · 15/03/2023 21:43

And I don’t say that flippantly like some people might. I spent several years having fertility treatment as a solo woman.

I've thought about it. I didn't want to be a single mother at the time, hence going to BPAS. But maybe in a few years if I don't meet someone I trust.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 15/03/2023 21:51

How old are you? I would be cautious about spending too long with someone who already has a child when you want children and they keep finding reasons to delay.

I am so sorry for your loss though. I realise it was a miscarriage but I am upset you felt pressure to consider a termination when you want children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for needing more time to process your grief

Original poster
radroa · 15/03/2023 21:52

PutinTheFuckingBasket · 15/03/2023 21:44

Why will he be ready to ttc in 9 months time, but not now? Has he given a reason?

Because I found the miscarriage/abortion so hard, I moved out for three months, he wants stability before we start a family. Which I understand and agree with. But yes, as @Aquamarine1029 mentioned, it does seem like he's just saying what I want to hear.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/03/2023 21:56

It does all seem a bit worrying -

  • he wanted you to have a termination and wasn't supportive
  • he's not very understanding and you feel pressured to do events you're not comfortable with,
  • he's holding out the carrot of TTC at the end of the year if you're a good girl and show stability.

While it's not unreasonable to want a stable relationship before having children together, it feels like the relationship is quite unbalanced in his favour?

What makes all this pain and friction in your relationship worthwhile? Why did you go back to him after he behaved that way over your pregnancy? Do you think it was the right choice?

Original poster
radroa · 15/03/2023 22:01

category12 · 15/03/2023 21:56

It does all seem a bit worrying -

  • he wanted you to have a termination and wasn't supportive
  • he's not very understanding and you feel pressured to do events you're not comfortable with,
  • he's holding out the carrot of TTC at the end of the year if you're a good girl and show stability.

While it's not unreasonable to want a stable relationship before having children together, it feels like the relationship is quite unbalanced in his favour?

What makes all this pain and friction in your relationship worthwhile? Why did you go back to him after he behaved that way over your pregnancy? Do you think it was the right choice?

I'm starting to feel like it was more empty promises. I went back because he told me we would try again. I thought it would be now, but he said to me in December that he needed a year of stability.

I don't know why he would promise these things if he wasn't genuine. What is he expecting? That I'll forget or give up? December seems like it's fast approaching and I'd be making plans to find somewhere bigger to live soon. I would rather just know that we want different things then being strung along.

I'm 27, so I'm not running out of time and we've been together seven years so it's not early days.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2023 22:04

Please, cut your losses and move on from this man. You wasted enough of your youth on him already, don't throw away your fertility on him, too.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 15/03/2023 22:10

Bookendedbylife · 15/03/2023 21:36

He sounds very insensitive OP.

Have you told him why you don’t want to go? I agree, it does seem obvious why but maybe he just hasn’t thought it through.

Are you sure he wants more kids?

It doesn't sound like he does want more kids if he pushed for a termination, I'm sorry to say. You have every right to not go, be completely open with him about your reasons, if he doesn't understand then I'm sorry but I'm not sure he's the one for you. Why is he insisting that you go? Not for your happiness obviously, so does he want help with his daughter? Why does he need you there?

category12 · 15/03/2023 22:15

Is he significantly older than you?

Is he actually saying he's keen to have children with you, or is it just because you want them?

I don't know why he would promise these things if he wasn't genuine. What is he expecting? That I'll forget or give up?
If come December he wants to put it off or comes up with reasons like "we've been fighting too much" or whatnot, then I imagine he's playing for time and you should probably cut your losses then.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 15/03/2023 22:16

Also I'm so sorry for your loss, miscarriages are absolutely brutal and you need as much support as you can. I realise you've been together for a long time but finding someone who genuinely wants children with you or finding a donor (I have two friends who have gone this route and are the happiest I've ever known them) will be an infinitely better than having one with somebody who is reluctant x

Thoughtful2355 · 15/03/2023 22:26

sounds like a future faker. Be careful.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 07:10

He’s future faking.

Whataretheodds · 16/03/2023 07:21

You've been together 7 years, after 6 years he wasn't ready, after 7 he's not ready, but after 7.9 he will be?

He talked you into a termination in March, you found this hard so moved out and now he's saying he needs a year of 'stability' before TTC even though the unstable bit was the direct impact of the termination? And now he's making you feel bad about having some fucking feelings about a termination?

OP this is not the guy for you. Please consider therapy by yourself, not with him.

Whataretheodds · 16/03/2023 07:23

Sorry, i missed ref to miscarriage in my post above but my point stands.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 16/03/2023 07:24

I could not wait around for someone who forced my hand to terminate a baby I wanted and I would not go bastard camping with him either

AgentJohnson · 16/03/2023 07:28

Why wasn’t a year of ‘stability’ mentioned before you moved back in.

I don’t think at present you want the same things and you shouldn’t have to jump through his ‘stability’ hoops to start TTC’ing. It sounds like come December if you don’t go along with his various demands, TTC will be off the table.

You are still young, don’t put prioritise someone who sees you as an option.

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