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Original poster

Partner pressuring me to join in on family trips

81 replies

radroa · 15/03/2023 21:27

Last March I found out I was pregnant, partner was not supportive and wanted a termination.

I went for my BPAS scan, found a missed miscarriage and took the pills to medically induce the miscarriage. I found all of this incredibly hard and we had to have couples therapy for six months.

I've found the year anniversary difficult, mother's day coming up etc.

Partner has a DD and has friends who have children around her age and they want to go camping. I've said I don't want to go and partner has reacted really negatively.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable not wanting to go on a camping trip for children, when I don't have any children. Aside from him clearly invalidating what I've been through, I don't think that's surprising that I wouldn't want to go, is it?

OP posts:
Mochinated · 16/03/2023 07:30

Age 20 to 27 and he's still not able to commit?

Bin immediately. You don't have time to waste.

Shelby2010 · 16/03/2023 07:33

Why is he so hung up on you going camping - so you can do most of the cooking & childcare?

If you’ve been together 6 years & living together, but he pushed you to terminate when you unexpectedly got pregnant, then he is never going to want children with you.

TwilightSkies · 16/03/2023 07:34

He doesn’t sound very nice.
Are you sure you want to have a child with him?
Don’t let your desire to have a baby cloud your judgement.

Dragonsandcats · 16/03/2023 07:35

He’s stringing you along with little promises. He doesn’t sound like a nice person, I’d get out now.

BeepBleep · 16/03/2023 07:38

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can understand why you'd rather not go.
I'm also sorry to say but you're not 21, you don't have as much time as you think. It takes time to find someone and build a solid relationship before TTCing. This man had 7 years with you and he still not sure. He doesn't want children with you and is stringing you along taking your best years fertility wise. Don't waste anymore of your precious life in this relationship. I would break up, lick my wounds and get back to dating seriously with the intention of a marriage and family and I would make it known even on my profile (if you decide to OLD).

Beamur · 16/03/2023 07:39

I don't think most men feel the same way about pregnancy or miscarriage - I think that the baby/potential baby is much more real to the woman whose body is affected.
I'm not sure your partner is being at all fair to you OP. Wants you to play happy families when it suits him, not actually supportive of you with your previous pregnancy and dangling future children on condition that you behave yourself.
After 7 years this is pretty poor. I think you deserve better.
I think when you want a baby, especially when you have experienced a loss being around babies and little children can be really painful. I've known couples who have dropped out of long established friendship groups and even moved away because of how hard it was to see their friends having kids when it wasn't happening for them. You really aren't being unreasonable to decline this camping trip. I suspect he wants you to come as that will probably make it easier for him.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 16/03/2023 07:40

Did he say why he wanted a termination last time but will be happy to TTC at the end of the year? What if you fall pregnant and he pressures you to terminate?

Naunet · 16/03/2023 07:43

Leave him for god sake. Find a man who wants to marry you and have a child, rather than someone who strings you along whilst having you no doubt do some of the parenting with his child.

smellyflowers · 16/03/2023 07:47

I've suggested I take up some more grief counselling and check with them if it's unreasonable to draw a boundary here

You don't need to. It's not unreasonable and even stepparents who haven't been through what you have wouldn't be unreasonable to say "you know what? I don't fancy this trip - you have some nice parent child bonding time"

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2023 07:50

I also think he’s future faking you. A man, who wasn’t supportive when you lost your baby isn’t going to be supportive through pregnancy, mat leave and child rearing / childcare. Have you even discussed finances? I wonder what his ex would have to say about him.

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 07:56

Aside from him clearly invalidating what I've been through,

Thats who he is.

This relationship is invalid.

You have been together 7 years, live together and you have nurtured and dedicated 7 years of your life to step parenting his child - and he demands a termination and doesn’t support you in your loss? And then throws some arbitrary but distant timeline with obscure hoops to jump through….

This man is cruel.

I wouldn’t want him to be the father of my DCs.

You can do better than this. Your future children deserve better than this.

What did you learn in couples counselling about the relationship?

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/03/2023 07:57

I'm with @category12
He was pushing for an abortion and now magically wants a child.

Hes a future faker and does not want a child
You'll end up childless or as a single mother anyway. He isnt a good partner.

Make plans and prepare to leave. You are so young and there is so much ahead of you. Don't waste it on this emotionally cold man.

Winter2020 · 16/03/2023 07:58

Quote "I just don't want to do it with other families, I feel like an outsider and the odd one out being the only non-parent."

If it makes any difference I don't think other people would view you like this at all. If you have been with your partner for 7 years and have a good relationship with his child I think they would view you as her step parent.

I agree there is a danger your partner is stringing you along. I wonder if there are practical ways to try to show if he is serious.
You talk about moving - I think to somewhere more suitable for a family. Is your partner on board with this? Does he keeps baby/child friendly in his mind when house hunting?

You could say you want you both to start savings for when you have a child for your maternity leave/baby expenses and see if he is willing to sit down together, budget and commit an amount to be saved monthly into a baby fund together. I would say if he won't make plans like that he is just fobbing you off.

Penguinsaregreat · 16/03/2023 08:08

How old is your partner?

frozendaisy · 16/03/2023 08:10

At a guess he wants you there to be part time parent so he can relax whilst on holiday.

I would be really positive that it is time for him and his daughter one holiday just them as a family unit his daughter needs that sometimes to know that being with you doesn't mean he will never be with her without you.

Say "I do lots with you together I know that you know that so trying to guilt trip me into everything is never going to work"

Just be firm.
Polite but firm.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 08:11

How old is his existing daughter?

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 08:21

He has broken the trust in the relationship by demanding a termination.

You knew this when you needed to leave his presence for 3 months.

You knew this when you needed 6 months of counselling.

You knew this when he unilaterally demanded waiting until Dec 23 to try again ….. that’s almost two years after you were pregnant.

You knew this when you expressed your ongoing pain about a camping trip and you did not get the understanding, compassion and care that anyone deserves.

He is cruel, controlling and unkind. He doesn’t care for you or respect you.

The trust was broken when he demanded a termination…..and this has not been recovered since ….. infact only compounded by his demands, coldness, dismissal and rejection of your deep pain.

Please walk away from this. You can do better. You don’t deserve your experience of precious motherhood to be so hard won (if the future faker ever comes through) and sullied by him.

Deathraystare · 16/03/2023 08:43

Shelby2010 ·
Why is he so hung up on you going camping - so you can do most of the cooking & childcare? Shelby2010 · Today 07:33

Exactly. The shit is so transparent. Please leave him. He will never make you happy.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 16/03/2023 08:56

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 08:21

He has broken the trust in the relationship by demanding a termination.

You knew this when you needed to leave his presence for 3 months.

You knew this when you needed 6 months of counselling.

You knew this when he unilaterally demanded waiting until Dec 23 to try again ….. that’s almost two years after you were pregnant.

You knew this when you expressed your ongoing pain about a camping trip and you did not get the understanding, compassion and care that anyone deserves.

He is cruel, controlling and unkind. He doesn’t care for you or respect you.

The trust was broken when he demanded a termination…..and this has not been recovered since ….. infact only compounded by his demands, coldness, dismissal and rejection of your deep pain.

Please walk away from this. You can do better. You don’t deserve your experience of precious motherhood to be so hard won (if the future faker ever comes through) and sullied by him.

I agree with the above. There's no way he will be "ready" in December, there will be more excuses.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/03/2023 09:01

He doesn’t want to have a child with you. He has said so, and he his actions have proclaimed it.

you either have to find another partner, or be content with being auntie to his existing children.

SnackyOnassis · 16/03/2023 09:19

Oh love, you're completely within your rights to decline this holiday.
As PPs have said, the bigger issue here is your partner, not the camping trip. The miscarriage and termination sounds like it was a lot for you to go through without any support from him, and while I hope conceiving for you in future is smooth sailing, what if it's not? If you're actively trying, and have a miscarriage, is he going to step up and be supportive then? Or if you have a rough pregnancy, or post partum depression, or a difficult birth...

It sounds like your struggles are an inconvenience to this man, and having and raising children is hard enough with a supportive partner, never mind one you can't count on in tough times.

I know you've been together a long time, but to stick with him just because of the years you've already put in is a sunk cost fallacy. You're gambling with your fertile years by staying with him, giving him more time and still not having any guarantee that you'll get what you really want. And I suspect what you really want is not a baby at any cost, it's a baby in a relationship that is strong, secure and supportive. You've got time to find one of those and start over.

Dery · 16/03/2023 09:33

“It takes time to find someone and build a solid relationship before TTCing. This man had 7 years with you and he still not sure. He doesn't want children with you and is stringing you along taking your best years fertility wise. Don't waste anymore of your precious life in this relationship. I would break up, lick my wounds and get back to dating seriously with the intention of a marriage and family and I would make it known even on my profile (if you decide to OLD).”

This.

billy1966 · 16/03/2023 09:46

Deathraystare · 16/03/2023 08:43

Shelby2010 ·
Why is he so hung up on you going camping - so you can do most of the cooking & childcare? Shelby2010 · Today 07:33

Exactly. The shit is so transparent. Please leave him. He will never make you happy.

God help you but you are being used and played by one nasty piece of work.

You are so young.

If you were old like me, you would know well that decent men don't behave like he does.

I feel so sorry for you.

This is absolutely not someone you want to rely on.

Have you any family?

I would be genuinely horrified if either of my girls ended up up with such a nasty manipulative loser.

Get more counselling.

I wouldn't have a cat with him, not to mind a child.

You will bitterly regret remaining with him.

Original poster
radroa · 16/03/2023 09:48

His reaction has highlighted how he really feels, I think you're all right. The first thing he said when I told him he will need to go without me was how I expect he would get there without my car. The second was what would people think if his partner wasn't there..

When we were looking at moving he was considering how I would get a pram up the strairs/in the house, but we stopped going to viewings when I stopped arranging them.

And he wonders why I can't just "enjoy what we have"..

OP posts:
Beamur · 16/03/2023 09:53

And he wonders why I can't just "enjoy what we have"
I think this is perhaps more of a giveaway than intended.
He's perfectly happy with the current set up and I suspect doesn't want to change anything.
His response to the camping trip is really all about him...

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