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Original poster

Partner pressuring me to join in on family trips

81 replies

radroa · 15/03/2023 21:27

Last March I found out I was pregnant, partner was not supportive and wanted a termination.

I went for my BPAS scan, found a missed miscarriage and took the pills to medically induce the miscarriage. I found all of this incredibly hard and we had to have couples therapy for six months.

I've found the year anniversary difficult, mother's day coming up etc.

Partner has a DD and has friends who have children around her age and they want to go camping. I've said I don't want to go and partner has reacted really negatively.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable not wanting to go on a camping trip for children, when I don't have any children. Aside from him clearly invalidating what I've been through, I don't think that's surprising that I wouldn't want to go, is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
radroa · 16/03/2023 09:54

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 08:21

He has broken the trust in the relationship by demanding a termination.

You knew this when you needed to leave his presence for 3 months.

You knew this when you needed 6 months of counselling.

You knew this when he unilaterally demanded waiting until Dec 23 to try again ….. that’s almost two years after you were pregnant.

You knew this when you expressed your ongoing pain about a camping trip and you did not get the understanding, compassion and care that anyone deserves.

He is cruel, controlling and unkind. He doesn’t care for you or respect you.

The trust was broken when he demanded a termination…..and this has not been recovered since ….. infact only compounded by his demands, coldness, dismissal and rejection of your deep pain.

Please walk away from this. You can do better. You don’t deserve your experience of precious motherhood to be so hard won (if the future faker ever comes through) and sullied by him.

You're right, I don't trust him.

I've just been looking for evidence of what I already suspect.

I have stopped engaging with childcare to protect myself and at first he was fine with it, but as time has worn on I think he resents doing all of the 'boring' bits of childcare.

He says I've started pulling away from his child, but I have highlighted that she's not mine and I am not going to pretend she is to try and fill a void, it's not fair on her and she prefers her dad doing it all, understandably.

I have been thinking about moving back out since this anniversary has rolled around and been looking hard at our relationship.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 16/03/2023 10:13

OP, you have been an adult for less than 10 years and hopefully have 50+ years of life on front of you.

You didn't have much life experience before getting involved with this man, who is calling all the shots and I expect is a few years older than you.

If after 7 years together he doesn't have stability, he is hardly likely to find it in 9 months.

What happened in your younger years that you allow him to walk all over you? Were your feelings invalidated?

This man is all about himself and he couldn't care less about your perfectly normal and valid needs. Do you really want 50+ more years of this?

Original poster
radroa · 16/03/2023 10:19

Escapingafter50years · 16/03/2023 10:13

OP, you have been an adult for less than 10 years and hopefully have 50+ years of life on front of you.

You didn't have much life experience before getting involved with this man, who is calling all the shots and I expect is a few years older than you.

If after 7 years together he doesn't have stability, he is hardly likely to find it in 9 months.

What happened in your younger years that you allow him to walk all over you? Were your feelings invalidated?

This man is all about himself and he couldn't care less about your perfectly normal and valid needs. Do you really want 50+ more years of this?

I was abused as a child and as a teenager/young adult. He knew this from day one and started out very caring and loving. Wanted to look after me and show me its 'not all men'..

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 16/03/2023 10:22

OP, sorry you are going through this.

In truth, I think if he really wants more children (with you) and loved you through and through to the extent that he would want you to be happy, he would have viewed an unexpected pregnancy with a bit of a gulp, but ultimately a happy accident.

The camping upset is a symptom of the real and deeper unease.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/03/2023 10:26

He doesn't want what you want but is too much of a coward to tell you the truth. You add convenience to his life and he wants to keep that, without giving you what you need and deserve in return.

I'd leave if it were me. You have a long future ahead of you. Don't waste your fertile years on him.

pinkyredrose · 16/03/2023 10:32

Why are you with him? He doesn't sound very nice.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 10:37

Jesus, he is such a selfish prick. I’m so sorry, OP.

There is no way he wants to have children with you. He’s going to waste your time, he’s going to lie to you, he’s going to use you (not just for your car and childcare) he’s going to future fake you, he only wants you to do the grunt work of the care for his daughter, and when you don’t, he’ll attack you for ‘pulling away’ from his daughter.

You’re so young. Run. Have a happy life with someone who is on the same page as you.

Sicario · 16/03/2023 10:55

I know this sounds awful but from what you're saying, I really don't think that your partner is the right man for you to have a family with.

If I were you, I'd end the relationship and move on.

Sicario · 16/03/2023 10:56

(And find a man who doesn't already have a child/children.)

Escapingafter50years · 16/03/2023 10:59

Oh you poor thing, I got a feeling you had a difficult childhood/youth (I identify). When this happens to us we have a low bar to begin with because we don't understand that we have value as a human being and don't deserve to be treated this way. When someone treats us badly as an adult it is familiar and reinforces the lessons we learned in childhood. This man got hold of you before you were able to learn new lessons.

I don't know what your financial situation is like but suggest you prioritise getting away from him and obtaining some help from a therapist to help you deal with your background, and understand how to avoid people waving red flags in the future.

NowAAT · 16/03/2023 11:00

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do OP. Tell him NO and that's that. Also, given what you've said about your "DP" I personally wouldn't want anything to do with him.

Original poster
radroa · 16/03/2023 11:04

I'm completely financially independent, luckily I have been using birth control so I'm not trapped. I'll look at leaving and spend some time working on myself and boundaries. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
PigeonPlayingChicken · 16/03/2023 11:16

Please do leave him OP. He doesn't want a child with you, now or next year (when you will have been together for 8 years, but he wants "stability" before committing!). Find someone nearer your own age and have some fun while you're so young.

HellonHeels · 16/03/2023 11:23

You've had a bad time OP I'm so sorry for your loss and that your partner is so lacking in care for you.

So the real reason he requires you to go camping is 1. So he can use your car and 2. so he looks good with a nice partner with him. Fuck that!

Hope you move on to happiness and a full life away from this user ❤

jemimapuddlepluck · 16/03/2023 11:27

Oh lovely, I was so relieved when I saw how old you are. This man is a dud. In every single way and if you stay with him, your life will be incredibly hard. He doesn't want anymore children. He is feeding you bullshit so you don't leave. I think this is the tip of the iceberg and if you look back at all the times he's let you down, all the times you have had to compromise, it would show you exactly who he is.
You do not need to go on this camping trip and well done for stepping back with regard to caring for his dd. That's his job, not yours. You only need to be kind and welcoming. That's it.
I really hope you wake up and see your worth one day.

Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2023 11:29

Obviously he doesn't want kids. You don't tell someone to abort if you plan on having kids with them in the next few years. You just go with it. So, he's being disingenuous.

Kid party wise, I would think you're being a bit much (if the above paragraph was not applicable)..I mean, fair enough if it was just you were still hurting from the abortion. Understandable. That must of been a really hard time for you.

But not because of 'wanting your own kids'.

IIf wanting a kid is causing you literal heartache, its not healthy. It's like winter depression. Something you need to work through and get past. Not lean into. Otherwise you'll end up lost in it. And that's no llife. And it looks like this is what you're on the cusp of. So, beware.

So many women absolutely miserable/going nuts because they haven't had kids yet. And I won't join the batshit chorus of telling thrm that yes, that that's sooooooo awful and sad. Because it's actually, not, unless you let it consume your life and fail to have other dreams and aspirations.

People may say that that's harsh. But what's really harsh, telling people to choose to try live a happy life with what they have? Or encouraging them to wallow in what they don't have and let it make them make awful choices like staying with partners who treat them badly?

Life is short.
Don't waste a decade of it lamenting not having kids. Either do it, or find other dreams. Either way, I don't think this man wants to have more kids. Sorry.

Penguinsaregreat · 16/03/2023 13:49

If you take nothing else from this thread remember this:
Never, ever trust a man who does not want to spend quality time alone with his child. He is telling you who he is here. Listen.

Mumsanetta · 16/03/2023 14:00

I’m sorry for your loss OP, I know how hard it is to get past it. The only positive I can see is that it has highlighted to you the type of person your DP is. You do not deserve to be tethered to someone who has so little regard for your feelings because they want your car and childcare. Your child will become the most precious person to you, set the bar higher for the person who will be their father. If you don’t find that person in the next 10 years, you have the option of having a baby alone.

billy1966 · 16/03/2023 14:05

You poor pet.

You deserve so much better than this utter user.

So delighted that you seem to be seeing this.

Don't be used by him any longer.

Snoken · 16/03/2023 14:39

I think you are both in some viscious circle that will be hard to get out of. He has treated you very cold and he is purposely non-commital and stalling you. Because of this you moved out and you are pulling away from his child which is causing him to think this is not a good relationship. I would too if I was with someone who pulled away from my child. He therefore can't see why he would have a child with you as the relationship is on the rocks and he'd probably end up single with another child part-time. This make you doubt the whole thing but he is still giving you little tidbits of hope, just enough to hang on.

There might be a way to save this, but at the moment you are both sabotaging it and neither can stop even though it means you won't get what you want. You are still so young, and it sounds like you have a lot going for you and you can live independently without worry. I'd say cut your losses now and meet someone who you can have a uncomplicated future with.

Snoken · 16/03/2023 14:42

Penguinsaregreat · 16/03/2023 13:49

If you take nothing else from this thread remember this:
Never, ever trust a man who does not want to spend quality time alone with his child. He is telling you who he is here. Listen.

I am not sure that's what it is. I think it's more that he needs OP to get there. Also, it's a couples holiday, he'd be the odd one out if she doesn't come too which can be a bit uncomfortable. Mainly, it's because he is not hearing the OP and he isn't taking in what she is communicating to him.

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 14:57

I am so sorry for what you endured as a young teenager. If you can seek / invest in professional therapy at this point it could well be life changing for you.

I expect if you leave he will beg, plead and promise you the earth to return.

Please don’t fall for that. Because even if he does ‘grant’ you the baby he will punish you with passive aggressive resentment and contempt in quiet ways. This is not an experience of motherhood that you need or want.

Know who he is.

At your darkest hour he was cruel.

And then continues to be.

Don’t subject yourself or any child you have to this. You know in your heart the trust is gone. You deserve better.

Theeaglesoared · 16/03/2023 15:00

OP please have the courage to start a new, better life without him. You are so young and have so much to give! Don't waste your youth.

Original poster
radroa · 16/03/2023 15:19

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 14:57

I am so sorry for what you endured as a young teenager. If you can seek / invest in professional therapy at this point it could well be life changing for you.

I expect if you leave he will beg, plead and promise you the earth to return.

Please don’t fall for that. Because even if he does ‘grant’ you the baby he will punish you with passive aggressive resentment and contempt in quiet ways. This is not an experience of motherhood that you need or want.

Know who he is.

At your darkest hour he was cruel.

And then continues to be.

Don’t subject yourself or any child you have to this. You know in your heart the trust is gone. You deserve better.

Yes I've been in and out of many different types of therapy/read self help books and no longer have depression or PTSD. This has taken a lot of work.

I'm doing grief counselling next (alone) to try and deal with the most recent stuff.

OP posts:
Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 15:55

That’s good.

You know where you need to go to emotionally support and protect yourself.

However many people would hope to find that support and protection from within their relationship - but for you it seems that the ‘relationship’ is what you might need protection from.

Very tough time for you. I hope you find solace and clarity sometime soon.

You are so young. You have so much time to find a much much better partner for the father of your children.