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Original poster

Am I wrong or is his mum?

115 replies

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 13:39

Backstory : I have been with my partner for coming up to three years. We recently just had a baby.

During our relationship, I had been around his mum but we never really got close ( wasn't a problem, just how things worked out) but I did like her. Before my relationship with my partner, I knew his sister through a mutual friend. We got on okay, and we stayed like this until I got pregnant. We ended up falling out during my pregnancy. It wasn't a huge fall out but it just become clear we didn't really get on, this didn't really cause a problem as we were never around each other much anyways only at family events, which we both could stay civil for. However my relationship with his mum stayed fine, even though we weren't particularly close.

I had a lot of health problems during my pregnancy so I spent most of my time at home, didn't see much of anyone except my partner.

Fast forward to my Labour, I was induced due to health problems. It took three days and during all of it, I stayed in close contact with my partners mum, updating her. I finally got to 10cm but my midwife told me I had to wait 30 minutes to push. So I'm obviously really nervous and scared and during this time my partner called his mum to update her. She was excited. As I'm talking to the midwife, my partner left the room to use the bathroom, in this time I receive a call from my partners mum. I'm expecting her to send her well wishes and send us good luck. I was shocked to answer the phone and for her to ask why me and the sister wasn't talking. I was told I need to make up with her immediately and get over whatever the problem was. I was accused of ignoring the sister anytime she tried to make contact with me, this wasn't true. The only time in the last couple of months I had spoken to the sister, was when we had a scare during the pregnancy and she had messaged me to send well wishes and I had told her what had happened and updated her when we got the all clear. All polite and fine. So I was confused by this. As the mum is saying these things to me, I hear the sister shouting and screaming in the background. I couldn't make out what she was saying, I told the mum that this was not the time for this and we will speak about it another time. My partner soon came back in the room and I got really upset because I was upset she had chosen to do that while I was having her grandchild. As I'm telling my partner what happened, both the mother and the sister start calling him constantly and when he's not replying, they both start flooding him with text messages. I got really upset and sent the mum a text message and said to her, that what she done was completely out of order and wrong. She tried to call me again but by this point, I had started to push and soon gave birth to our child.

So we spent one day in hospital then came back, late evening the day after having the baby. So the next day after getting home, the mum came and met the baby. All fine, nothing was brought up about what had happened. Unfortunately on this day, the baby didn't seem well so we took him to the hospital and he was admitted to the NICU for 6 days. Very hard and traumatic time for us both. We finally got back home, the mum and sister visited the day after getting home. All was fine, once again. She had planned to come again the day after but I cancelled her as I didn't realise I had the midwife coming over and I just wanted some quality time with the baby, my partner and my other child. Baring in mind, I had spent 6 days away from my older child. I've never been away from them for that long before so I wanted to make up the time with her. All okay once again.

She had planned to come again during the week but the baby had gotten a cold from my other child and they were both poorly. I had been up all night with the baby and my other child was in bed resting. So I cancelled again. The baby was just older than 2 weeks at this point. The mum said this was fine once again. I also want to point out, during the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, the mum had planned to come and see me but cancelled twice. I wasn't upset by this at all and we moved on.

My partner was working that day and came home, when he came home he informed me that I had made his mum cry and she feels I'm keeping away her grandchild from her. I was shocked. I admitted to him, I didn't really like her from how she had behaved during my Labour but that had nothing to do with the baby and if I was keeping her away from the baby then I wouldn't have allowed her to see the baby at all. My partner has told me I need to apologise to her but I don't think I've done anything wrong so I'm not going to. This happened three days ago and since then, I've been told that his dad will never speak to me again as I've upset his wife and his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present. I feel like all this drama has really ruined my baby's first few weeks of life, especially as he had to spend a chunk of it in the hospital already. I just want to enjoy him and I feel like it's constant drama.

I think I just posted on here to vent, but do you guys feel like I'm in the wrong? What do I do?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 15/03/2023 13:46

I think you just need to invite her round and clear the air for everyone's sakes. She behaved appallingly during your labour but things have been fine since then.

ShapesAndNumbers · 15/03/2023 13:46

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LizzieSiddal · 15/03/2023 13:46

I’m so angry for you reading this. Who the hell phones someone to sort out an issue, during Labour?? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and don’t need to apologise to anyone.

To be perfectly honest your partner has behaved atrociously. His family are causing a lot of drama and the fact you’re getting the blame doesn’t bode well for the future with your partner. He really doesn’t have your back does he?

ShapesAndNumbers · 15/03/2023 13:47

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Fraaahnces · 15/03/2023 13:51

Anyone with half a brain knows that you do not repeatedly spam someone with text messages and phone calls when they are pushing a baby out of their vagina, let alone think that this would be a grand time to issue an ultimatum.

Your DH knows your baby and child were sick, right? Why didn’t he stand up for you?

Why hasn’t he lost his shit about the phone calls at the hospital.

DH problem.

Original poster
Tescobag · 15/03/2023 13:53

Yes, I've really seen my partner in a different light after this. I feel like he hasn't had my back. I'm really upset and I just want peace but I feel if I apologise then it will look like I've done something wrong and allow her to continue with this behaviour in future. My partner also mentioned something about taking the baby to his mums to stay for a couple of nights( he works nights) and his mum will do the night feeds. I obviously said no and that's also been made to look like I'm keeping her away from her grandchild once again.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 15/03/2023 13:54

You don't have to apologise - you can clear the air without anyone apologising.
Just agree to put it in the past as you want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

LizzieSiddal · 15/03/2023 13:56

My partner also mentioned something about taking the baby to his mums to stay for a couple of nights( he works nights) and his mum will do the night feeds. I obviously said no and that's also been made to look like I'm keeping her away from her grandchild once again.

Oh my goodness, who the fuck are these people??

I feel very sorry for you, this issue with your partner will only get worse, you need to have a very serious chat with him. He either supports you and has your back or he can go and live with his mum.

Elieza · 15/03/2023 14:13

His family sound like a bunch of drama queens. And he sounds like he’s a mummy’s boy that feels you need to comply with whatever she wants in order that his life is easier. Fuck that.

Id probably send the mum and sister a joint email or handwritten card to say something to try and extend an olive branch. Just this once. And if it doesnt work they can piss off as youve tried and quite frankly they’re not worth it:

“Dear (mother in law) and (his sister)

Im sorry that things have been a bit difficult between us recently. That was not my intention.

As life is hard enough these days without problems between us, I hope that we can put the difficulties behind us and start afresh.

I very much want you both to be in (insert husband’s name) and my baby’s life.

It wasnt helpful that our health issues have meant a delay in you visiting but we are better now and it would be nice if you could come round to see (insert baby’s name). (Insert husband’s name) will speak to you about this to find out when suits.

I hope that’s ok and we can move forward”.

(insert your name, no kisses or Love from or anything).

That way you have satisfied the requests to apologise. Without actually apologising for anything you did while looking like you are apologising.

Hence the menfolk will be all ‘she apologised good’, the two women will feel like they got what they wanted (although you haven’t actually done that but it lets them save face and put their hackles down) and you can tell your darling husband you did what he wanted.

If it doesn’t work tell them all to fuck right off and your child can see them once an adult. And tell your mummy’s boy husband to man the fuck up and take your side in future when they’re being unreasonable or you’ll LTB as his family are a bunch of idiots.

Mabelface · 15/03/2023 14:22

Fucking hell. I can't believe that they chose to have a go at you when you were in fucking labour! I personally would have told them to do one full stop after that. No, you're not wrong. Fuck them and enjoy your baby.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 15/03/2023 14:24

Very diplomatic letter @Elieza and something like that would probably work. If OP can bear it.

I can’t get over the fact they did that when you were literally having the LO, though. It’s wild. Your DH needs to have a serious word with himself about priorities/the baby going on overnights, especially while his mum is throwing her weight about, you’re a new mammy, not their family incubator. What’ll happen if you stick to your guns about not apologising, do you think?

MintJulia · 15/03/2023 14:28

'his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present'

This sounds like an outstanding idea. I'd go with this option 😊

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2023 14:28

Wow. Whole family is toxic.

Hate to say it op but it sounds like either your husband is just as vile as them or he is a wimp who will not stand up for you.

How awful that you've only found out now the baby is here.

Be clear 'I'm not interested in being drawn into this drama. I do hope we are perfectly clear. Because otherwise this relationship isn't going to last'.

strawberry2017 · 15/03/2023 14:29

Your partner should have told her where to go when she rang you in Labour to rant about the sister. How f**king inappropriate!
He needs to have a word with himself and have your back!

Rinkydinkydoodle · 15/03/2023 14:32

Just thinking…have you got someone who can advocate for you, since DH won’t do it? Could your own mum or dad have a quiet word on your behalf? I feel like you’re getting treated like an optional extra, you’re in the middle of this reactionary family dynamic with a new baby and the immediate plan seems to be to cut out the mother rather than fix the issue. That’s a wee bit concerning to me. If you were my daughter/sister I’d be in the car and up to their door for a chat. Maybe someone needs to point out to them their behaviour has been a bit OTT, it should really be your DH but he doesn’t seem fit for them.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2023 14:33

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 13:46

I think you just need to invite her round and clear the air for everyone's sakes. She behaved appallingly during your labour but things have been fine since then.

You can't clear the air with people who dont want it clear. The family is nuts, they even tried to distress her during labour. Bat shit bonkers.

Tbh, I probably would keep my child away from them. They're abusive bullies. Kids shouldn't be raised by those sort.

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 14:38

@Pinkbonbon but she said she's already got past the issues in labour. She let it go. It's only the repeated cancelling that's upset his DM.

None of it is the OP's fault - she's done what's right for her children - but they're better now.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 15/03/2023 14:40

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this.. you also clearly have a dp problem. why did he not support you when she was abusing you while you gave birth. You have done nothing wrong and he is being an arse hole to exspect you to appologise.

NameChangePoP · 15/03/2023 14:41

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 13:53

Yes, I've really seen my partner in a different light after this. I feel like he hasn't had my back. I'm really upset and I just want peace but I feel if I apologise then it will look like I've done something wrong and allow her to continue with this behaviour in future. My partner also mentioned something about taking the baby to his mums to stay for a couple of nights( he works nights) and his mum will do the night feeds. I obviously said no and that's also been made to look like I'm keeping her away from her grandchild once again.

Under no circumstances do you let your new born baby go this woman's house overnight. Who on earth does she think she is?

Your partner has behaved just as bad as his mother. He should have had your back and told her that her behaviour was awful.

Your partners mum clearly thinks she has rights over her grandchild and this is only ever going to get worse.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship, and put in firm boundaries with his mother before it escalates.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2023 14:45

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 14:38

@Pinkbonbon but she said she's already got past the issues in labour. She let it go. It's only the repeated cancelling that's upset his DM.

None of it is the OP's fault - she's done what's right for her children - but they're better now.

But she shouldn't have let it go.

And she said they've canceled just as much as she has.

Do you really think the sort of people who phone you up to harass you during labour are 'better now' ? Of course not.

Once again, during a vulnerable time, they are attacking her. Vilifiying her. Using her husband as a message boy.

These aren't people you cooperate with. They're barely even people.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/03/2023 14:45

Ranting at you when you were in labour - never heard the like.
Now they want to take your two-week-old newborn away from you to spend several nights with MIL (whilst your DH works nights!).

And on top of that they will never speak to you again and only see your child if you are not present?

Well they are certainly a conciliatory lot aren't they?

No blooming way. Tell your DH to support you.

I am sorry this is spoiling your baby moon OP. Stay strong. Don't let these crazy people push you around.

Escapingafter50years · 15/03/2023 14:48

Your DH has been trained by his horrifically toxic family to put them first. You will never match up. Whatever you do now, I suggest you consider the situation long-term, as living with these people in your life will destroy your mental health and cause long lasting emotional damage to your children. Sympathies.

Original poster
Tescobag · 15/03/2023 14:49

Rinkydinkydoodle · 15/03/2023 14:32

Just thinking…have you got someone who can advocate for you, since DH won’t do it? Could your own mum or dad have a quiet word on your behalf? I feel like you’re getting treated like an optional extra, you’re in the middle of this reactionary family dynamic with a new baby and the immediate plan seems to be to cut out the mother rather than fix the issue. That’s a wee bit concerning to me. If you were my daughter/sister I’d be in the car and up to their door for a chat. Maybe someone needs to point out to them their behaviour has been a bit OTT, it should really be your DH but he doesn’t seem fit for them.

My mum will and she so badly wants to but I've told her to stay out of it. However, she has given my partner an earful and they've also now fallen out. My mum has the opinion of most of you on here, that my partner is the problem for enabling this.

OP posts:
BeautifulWar · 15/03/2023 14:56

You don't have to apologise - you can clear the air without anyone apologising.
Just agree to put it in the past as you want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

Really? OP deserves a groveling apology at the very least not to put up with this shit!

Even then, it will happen again; people like the ILs cannot stop themselves, they are selfish and love drama.

The baby can have a relationship with the ILs via their father.

Naunet · 15/03/2023 14:56

Your partner is a twat, taking the baby there for a few nights - what fucking planet is he on, and when the hell did he think he became your boss? I hope you aren’t reliant on him in any way OP.