Am I wrong or is his mum?

[Tescobag]

Backstory : I have been with my partner for coming up to three years. We recently just had a baby.

During our relationship, I had been around his mum but we never really got close ( wasn't a problem, just how things worked out) but I did like her. Before my relationship with my partner, I knew his sister through a mutual friend. We got on okay, and we stayed like this until I got pregnant. We ended up falling out during my pregnancy. It wasn't a huge fall out but it just become clear we didn't really get on, this didn't really cause a problem as we were never around each other much anyways only at family events, which we both could stay civil for. However my relationship with his mum stayed fine, even though we weren't particularly close.

I had a lot of health problems during my pregnancy so I spent most of my time at home, didn't see much of anyone except my partner.

Fast forward to my Labour, I was induced due to health problems. It took three days and during all of it, I stayed in close contact with my partners mum, updating her. I finally got to 10cm but my midwife told me I had to wait 30 minutes to push. So I'm obviously really nervous and scared and during this time my partner called his mum to update her. She was excited. As I'm talking to the midwife, my partner left the room to use the bathroom, in this time I receive a call from my partners mum. I'm expecting her to send her well wishes and send us good luck. I was shocked to answer the phone and for her to ask why me and the sister wasn't talking. I was told I need to make up with her immediately and get over whatever the problem was. I was accused of ignoring the sister anytime she tried to make contact with me, this wasn't true. The only time in the last couple of months I had spoken to the sister, was when we had a scare during the pregnancy and she had messaged me to send well wishes and I had told her what had happened and updated her when we got the all clear. All polite and fine. So I was confused by this. As the mum is saying these things to me, I hear the sister shouting and screaming in the background. I couldn't make out what she was saying, I told the mum that this was not the time for this and we will speak about it another time. My partner soon came back in the room and I got really upset because I was upset she had chosen to do that while I was having her grandchild. As I'm telling my partner what happened, both the mother and the sister start calling him constantly and when he's not replying, they both start flooding him with text messages. I got really upset and sent the mum a text message and said to her, that what she done was completely out of order and wrong. She tried to call me again but by this point, I had started to push and soon gave birth to our child.

So we spent one day in hospital then came back, late evening the day after having the baby. So the next day after getting home, the mum came and met the baby. All fine, nothing was brought up about what had happened. Unfortunately on this day, the baby didn't seem well so we took him to the hospital and he was admitted to the NICU for 6 days. Very hard and traumatic time for us both. We finally got back home, the mum and sister visited the day after getting home. All was fine, once again. She had planned to come again the day after but I cancelled her as I didn't realise I had the midwife coming over and I just wanted some quality time with the baby, my partner and my other child. Baring in mind, I had spent 6 days away from my older child. I've never been away from them for that long before so I wanted to make up the time with her. All okay once again.

She had planned to come again during the week but the baby had gotten a cold from my other child and they were both poorly. I had been up all night with the baby and my other child was in bed resting. So I cancelled again. The baby was just older than 2 weeks at this point. The mum said this was fine once again. I also want to point out, during the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, the mum had planned to come and see me but cancelled twice. I wasn't upset by this at all and we moved on.

My partner was working that day and came home, when he came home he informed me that I had made his mum cry and she feels I'm keeping away her grandchild from her. I was shocked. I admitted to him, I didn't really like her from how she had behaved during my Labour but that had nothing to do with the baby and if I was keeping her away from the baby then I wouldn't have allowed her to see the baby at all. My partner has told me I need to apologise to her but I don't think I've done anything wrong so I'm not going to. This happened three days ago and since then, I've been told that his dad will never speak to me again as I've upset his wife and his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present. I feel like all this drama has really ruined my baby's first few weeks of life, especially as he had to spend a chunk of it in the hospital already. I just want to enjoy him and I feel like it's constant drama.

I think I just posted on here to vent, but do you guys feel like I'm in the wrong? What do I do?

OP, they sound like fucking lunatics. The lot of them.

Honestly, if my MIL did that to me during labour - I don't think my DH would ever speak to her again.

I'd pack a bag and go to your own parents with your kids. Tell your DH that you're too upset to deal with any of this. You've just had a baby for fuck sake!!

Honestly this is not healthy. Go and stay with your parents for a couple of weeks and get looked after post-partum in the way you should be looked after. And if your DH won't bollock your MIL, I'd grant full permission to your Mum to do so.

But your baby first and leave your DH and his lunatic family to it for a few weeks.

Remember, your partner does what mil and sil tell him to do because he believes they hold more power than you and most people side with the power holders. He doesn’t really believe mil is weaker than you, that is a textbook tactic by mil to make herself look like a victim abused by you when it is really the other way round. H thinks you are weaker than mil and sil thus he sides with them. He parrots their narrative to disguise that fact. Yes, it’s disgusting but that’s how it is. It’s the reality. So, unfortunately, you have to replace them as his boss (hopefully he will soon realize with your help how he’s been so manipulated. If not….). Yep. Be confident and tell him exactly what happens now going forward and recruit your mother and anybody else you can trust to stand by you, another tactic by manipulators (see how mil/sil pit your own partner against you?) except you’re doing it because it’s the right and good thing to do. He is used to obeying these two manipulators so you must be very strong, calm, and confident, and definite in what you want. Write it down and meet with your mother on how best to tackle this. You want it done and dusted. They’ve taken too much of your life already.

You have now seen the real man.

A weak pathetic loser who is trying to threaten to take your baby away for a few nights.

His familybhave behaved appallingly and unfortunately this is who they are.

Thank god you have your mother to support you and that waster and his family are really ganging up on you.

Can he move home?
Can you move to your mothers.

Think twice about giving the baby his name/birthcert etc., because with a shower like that I don't see your relationship lasting.

I'm so sorry for you.

And make him uncomfortable. He can move out to mommy’s. Let him stew in their toxic soup. No way is he to take newborn baby away from you to give to his mother for a ‘few days’ when she despises you. No human being with an ounce of decency would ever demand that. Get a lawyer and move in your mother and get lots of friends/relatives you trust to surround you especially when he is around to see it. This is a battle, op. Win it fast.

You DH and your MIL are both awful.

I would expect her to apologize to you after causing drama during your childbirth.

Her saying she will wait until your child is old enough so she can see them without you is manipulative and would make me consider going no or low contact.

Your biggest problem is your DH though. He is not a good father and partner if he can't have your back. Especially after you've just given birth and need his support.

I am happy to hear your mum is supportive though, at least you have someone in your corner.

When you think about it, even him coming back and telling you his mum is throwing a wobbly and his dad isn't talking to you is absolutely pathetic. He should have handled that himself. Told them to wind their necks in. Not brought that back to you, a new mother.

What kind of man is he that he can't handle this shit without turning it into a you vs his mum affair. Which is what HE has done by not nipping this bs in the butt (aka: going postal on them for their bs).

Maybe he's known all along his parents were abusive and never bothered to challenge them. But that's not a suitable partner. People need to establish healthy boundaries before dating and having kids. He never bothered. He never grew up. He's not partner material. No natter how 'nice' he can be to the baby. Its not good enough.

My partner has told me I need to apologise to her but I don't think I've done anything wrong so I'm not going to. This happened three days ago and since then, I've been told that his dad will never speak to me again as I've upset his wife and his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present.

I think you need to leave the lot of them.
It is unbefuckinglievable that your partner has ordered you to apologise to a woman who repeatedly called to rant at you WHILE YOU WERE IN CHILDBIRTH.

MiL sounds like she has a personality disorder, & SiL, shouting in the background as you gave birth, making it all about her, is probably similar.

I also think you need to leave this man and his dysfunctional family of origin in the rear view mirror. He is a truly weak man who is acting out of a want of a quiet life. He would far rather upset you than either his mother or sister because he has been conditioned to believe the sky will otherwise fall in.

His inertia also when it comes to both his mother and sister (and I would concur with the assertion made here that his mother has some form of personality disorder; like mother like daughter in this case) hurts him as well as you.

I would seriously also consider giving your newborn your surname also rather than his.

Nobody sane rings someone up when they're in fucking labour to have a go. Nobody. Your bloke is an arsehole.

Take her up on her offer of not seeing her again and tell your bloke he either starts having your back or he can piss off back to his mothers.

Oh my god!
Your MIL is insane and I would not speak to her again after fucking calling you in labour to have a go at you????? Wtaf is this behaviour!
And then to make the first few weeks all about her and taint that special memory is unforgivable.

Your partner needs to get on your side as well! I'd be fuming if he told me to apologise. I bet he didn't tell her she needed to apologise to you for what she did in labour. I bet he never even spoke to her about it.
I know it's sounds over the top but I just couldn't be around someone like that who didn't understand and respect me, wasn't on my team - I'd take the kids and leave.

I'm boggled that during labour, either of you had your phones turned on to make or receive calls or texts.

Draw your own boundaries FGS ! Set an example to MIL!

Then maybe you won't get constant hysteria and threats from MIL and SIL and FIL during the time you should both be focussing on your child, baby, and each other.

I couldn't imagine speaking to anyone on the phone when I was in labour.

I barely knew my name 😂

Your so called partner needs to grow a pair of bollocks and bring those 2 fuckers into line. He's pathetic!

He should be backing you, not suggesting you apologise. Dickhead.

That is appalling behaviour from your mother in law and equally appealing that your partner hasn’t backed you up and has actually done quite the reverse.

Im usually very pro in laws as I get on so well with mine but you’ve been more patient than me, I would have struggled to let her have any contact at all in the first few weeks after
Ruining such a special moment with such terribly judged timing. 100% my partner would also have my back on this…anyone that upsets me unjustifiably is not in his good books be they part of my
family or his. Although the behaviour of MIL is terrible, I’m more sad for you that your partner doesn’t have your back over this!

They sound like a nasty bunch of twats.

Who the HELL calls a woman in labour and starts having a go? I’ve never heard anything like it - it beggars belief.

And you have a HUGE dh problem - he’s the biggest twat of the bunch IMO. How dare he tell you to apologise to his mum - don’t you bloody dare! Tell him to sling his hook.

i am so sorry your labour/new baby joy has been marred by this bunch of toxic bellends x

They all sound like fucking dicks and would be nowhere near my child until they learn to behave.

Your partner is either as bad as them or he's weak as fuck. Neither is great tbh but at least with the latter, he could toughen up and stick up for you.

I would not go crawling to those hateful people!

Jaut send her a message saying that you weren't keeping the baby away from her. Both you and baby have had a hard time of it and does she want to come next week?

When she comes, tell her you don't appreciate the drama during labour and this latest one but you'd never keep her from her grandchild.

If she can't accept that, then it is on her.

You absolutely should be letting your Dm deal with them and then go no contact! They have shown you who they are, believe them! Your DP is just as bad as them!

I'm going to update my demands for changes to the labelling on pregnancy tests. In addition to advising expectant parents not to discuss possible names with anyone other than the other parent to be, I would like the packing to carrying the following📧
"During labour (hospital or at home) all parties are to turn off their mobile phones. Grandparents and other family to be informed of delivery of child and their name when the child is 6 hours old, or after 9am following the birth, whichever is later."

Seriously though - your partner needs the riot act reading to him. The only person who should be apologising is your partners mother - ringing a mother in labour to have a go at her - JFC

She rang you re not getting on with your sil during active labour? Is she unhinged? She needs to apologise to you and no way, no way on earth would you give her your newborn overnight, that’s properly mad.

It’s a good job you’re not me. If he’d said to me that he was taking the baby to his mums overnight I’d have ripped his bollocks off.

We've argued about it once again all day. He has said to me, he will just keep me and his family separate. He still feels I have disrespected his mum. I said to him, if you feel so strongly about it then go to your mums and live with her. He's now saying he doesn't want us to break up because of this. The more I think about it, the more upset I am about it. I really feel like the first few weeks of my sons life have been tainted because of this. I never wanted to keep her away from the baby but now she has done this I don't want her anywhere around him. I don't see a resolution from this right now and it has really changed how I view my partner. Considering I just had his child, I thought he would care more about me than this. I had a nap earlier today and he thought I was still sleeping so he was speaking to his mum and sister on the phone (on loud speaker) in the other room. I heard the sister say I come across as ungrateful, then the mum asked if I had said thank you to him for the food shopping he had bought a couple of days prior. I normally do food shopping but since having the baby, he decided to do it. He said to them that I am always grateful. I just feel like they are trying to pick on me and he enables it. I said to him today, I was going to call his mum to speak to her about this and he said that she wouldn't answer the phone if I did. I'm drained.

I can't believe she behaved like that during your Labour. She caused you undue stress and its abhorrent. You're not in the wrong and you don't owe her anything. She is the one that should apologise to you if she wants things to be different.

Honestly OP, I want to call this cow myself and give her a bloody mouthful! I'm fuming on your behalf!

Horrible, awful, dreadful people. Do not apologise... You have nothing to apologise for. I'd really struggle to get past the fact my partner has allowed all of this to happen. He needs to fix this. And I wouldn't be letting them anywhere near my kids. Sometimes people are just vile.