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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong or is his mum?

115 replies

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 13:39

Backstory : I have been with my partner for coming up to three years. We recently just had a baby.

During our relationship, I had been around his mum but we never really got close ( wasn't a problem, just how things worked out) but I did like her. Before my relationship with my partner, I knew his sister through a mutual friend. We got on okay, and we stayed like this until I got pregnant. We ended up falling out during my pregnancy. It wasn't a huge fall out but it just become clear we didn't really get on, this didn't really cause a problem as we were never around each other much anyways only at family events, which we both could stay civil for. However my relationship with his mum stayed fine, even though we weren't particularly close.

I had a lot of health problems during my pregnancy so I spent most of my time at home, didn't see much of anyone except my partner.

Fast forward to my Labour, I was induced due to health problems. It took three days and during all of it, I stayed in close contact with my partners mum, updating her. I finally got to 10cm but my midwife told me I had to wait 30 minutes to push. So I'm obviously really nervous and scared and during this time my partner called his mum to update her. She was excited. As I'm talking to the midwife, my partner left the room to use the bathroom, in this time I receive a call from my partners mum. I'm expecting her to send her well wishes and send us good luck. I was shocked to answer the phone and for her to ask why me and the sister wasn't talking. I was told I need to make up with her immediately and get over whatever the problem was. I was accused of ignoring the sister anytime she tried to make contact with me, this wasn't true. The only time in the last couple of months I had spoken to the sister, was when we had a scare during the pregnancy and she had messaged me to send well wishes and I had told her what had happened and updated her when we got the all clear. All polite and fine. So I was confused by this. As the mum is saying these things to me, I hear the sister shouting and screaming in the background. I couldn't make out what she was saying, I told the mum that this was not the time for this and we will speak about it another time. My partner soon came back in the room and I got really upset because I was upset she had chosen to do that while I was having her grandchild. As I'm telling my partner what happened, both the mother and the sister start calling him constantly and when he's not replying, they both start flooding him with text messages. I got really upset and sent the mum a text message and said to her, that what she done was completely out of order and wrong. She tried to call me again but by this point, I had started to push and soon gave birth to our child.

So we spent one day in hospital then came back, late evening the day after having the baby. So the next day after getting home, the mum came and met the baby. All fine, nothing was brought up about what had happened. Unfortunately on this day, the baby didn't seem well so we took him to the hospital and he was admitted to the NICU for 6 days. Very hard and traumatic time for us both. We finally got back home, the mum and sister visited the day after getting home. All was fine, once again. She had planned to come again the day after but I cancelled her as I didn't realise I had the midwife coming over and I just wanted some quality time with the baby, my partner and my other child. Baring in mind, I had spent 6 days away from my older child. I've never been away from them for that long before so I wanted to make up the time with her. All okay once again.

She had planned to come again during the week but the baby had gotten a cold from my other child and they were both poorly. I had been up all night with the baby and my other child was in bed resting. So I cancelled again. The baby was just older than 2 weeks at this point. The mum said this was fine once again. I also want to point out, during the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, the mum had planned to come and see me but cancelled twice. I wasn't upset by this at all and we moved on.

My partner was working that day and came home, when he came home he informed me that I had made his mum cry and she feels I'm keeping away her grandchild from her. I was shocked. I admitted to him, I didn't really like her from how she had behaved during my Labour but that had nothing to do with the baby and if I was keeping her away from the baby then I wouldn't have allowed her to see the baby at all. My partner has told me I need to apologise to her but I don't think I've done anything wrong so I'm not going to. This happened three days ago and since then, I've been told that his dad will never speak to me again as I've upset his wife and his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present. I feel like all this drama has really ruined my baby's first few weeks of life, especially as he had to spend a chunk of it in the hospital already. I just want to enjoy him and I feel like it's constant drama.

I think I just posted on here to vent, but do you guys feel like I'm in the wrong? What do I do?

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 15/03/2023 18:38

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 18:27

We've argued about it once again all day. He has said to me, he will just keep me and his family separate. He still feels I have disrespected his mum. I said to him, if you feel so strongly about it then go to your mums and live with her. He's now saying he doesn't want us to break up because of this. The more I think about it, the more upset I am about it. I really feel like the first few weeks of my sons life have been tainted because of this. I never wanted to keep her away from the baby but now she has done this I don't want her anywhere around him. I don't see a resolution from this right now and it has really changed how I view my partner. Considering I just had his child, I thought he would care more about me than this. I had a nap earlier today and he thought I was still sleeping so he was speaking to his mum and sister on the phone (on loud speaker) in the other room. I heard the sister say I come across as ungrateful, then the mum asked if I had said thank you to him for the food shopping he had bought a couple of days prior. I normally do food shopping but since having the baby, he decided to do it. He said to them that I am always grateful. I just feel like they are trying to pick on me and he enables it. I said to him today, I was going to call his mum to speak to her about this and he said that she wouldn't answer the phone if I did. I'm drained.

This is just awful.

You need to ask him to either go to counselling with you, or he leaves.

He needs to hear from someone other than you how dysfunctional his family are.

Emmamoo89 · 15/03/2023 18:44

She's the one that needs to apologise! Hope you're okay x

jemimapuddlepluck · 15/03/2023 18:47

DO NOT ring his mum to talk about it. She will not listen, she will twist whatever you say, it will make everything ten times worse and your partner STILL won't have your back. These are the choices you have

  1. Stay. Learn to navigate their behaviour. Accept that they WILL ruin every special occasion from now on. Accept that your partner gives no shits about the affect this has had on you and will always side with his mum. Just accept it, because fighting it will just bring more toxicity. Create your own little peaceful bubble for you and your children.
  2. Leave. Live a drama free life.
Those are your options. You will never get through to them, they will never accept your point of view, do not waste your energy.
MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 18:59

Do not call mil, op, it looks like groveling and gives her the upper hand (claw in her case). Go no contact. Tell your partner to send one short text ‘stop harassing my wife and don’t contact me again. If you do either, I will call the police. I have retained a lawyer to protect my wife’s rights.’ Obviously, contact a lawyer before he sends the text.

MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 19:03

It’s actually a slightly hopeful sign that your partner challenged mil’s assertion and told her that you’re always grateful. Tell him to send that text and move on with your lives. They are horrible people. Don’t be afraid of her or of any of them. That is key.

MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 19:05

Your fil will be chomping at bit to talk to you (on mil’s orders) after your partner sends that text. You have to stand up to bullies. There’s truly no other way.

kirsty2023 · 15/03/2023 19:05

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 13:53

Yes, I've really seen my partner in a different light after this. I feel like he hasn't had my back. I'm really upset and I just want peace but I feel if I apologise then it will look like I've done something wrong and allow her to continue with this behaviour in future. My partner also mentioned something about taking the baby to his mums to stay for a couple of nights( he works nights) and his mum will do the night feeds. I obviously said no and that's also been made to look like I'm keeping her away from her grandchild once again.

It's ur baby and u make the rules if u don't want ur baby to stay there say so and make it clear to ur other half baby by no means stays out over night until u feel is right for you baby needs to be close to mum

Sleepless1096 · 15/03/2023 19:06

They are completely barmy and your partner doesn't have your back.

But you really, really need to work on your personal boundaries.

Thepossibility · 15/03/2023 19:20

This is absolutely a DP problem. How dare he allow those bitches to treat you this way when you've just had his baby. It sounds like they are keen on having a power struggle with you and he is absolutely allowing it.
You don't need this so soon after birth, I would putting some space between me and all of them if I were you.

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2023 19:20

OMG what have I just read. These people are nuts and your DH is saying you are in the wrong? because you upset his mother, over something she started?

Op you are not in the wrong at all. FFS the woman called you when you are in labour and had been for almost 3 days! Literally about to give birth any second and brought up that? Honestly I think you were reserved in telling her this wasn't the time. In the middle of labour you'd of been well within reason to have told her to fuck off, fuck off again and then fuck off some more. And you wouldn't have been in the wrong there either! You were having a baby!

This man is a total wet blanket. He should have your back 1000%, you have just given birth! I really don;t know what to suggest as this is a really awful situation for you. I imagine you now don't want these people anywhere near your baby.

I think in your shoes, for now, I would be saying to DP that this has upset you so much (or is he more concerned with his mother crying?!) and right now you cannot deal with it all, as you know, you just had a BABY. And you do not want to see or talk to them until you feel strong enough to do so. Reiterate she behaved appallingly to you at a time you were at your most vulnerable,
and if he cannot see that, as his wife and mother of his baby, you can't understand or accept that.
Suggest he sorts it out with them and if he can't do that then it looks like his mother will NOT be having a realtionship with this child.

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 15/03/2023 19:25

You are aware that phones have an off button aren't you ? and their is no obligation to answer or respond ever . Least of all when you are midway through pushing another human out of your vagina .

They are batshit drama queens...

Btw - why did you fall out with sister in law .. ? No reason to ask just paints a wider picture..

Mummysgogetter · 15/03/2023 19:37

Fucking hell… can’t believe what I have read - his mum and sister are evil and manipulative bay shit crazy bitches!! Disgraceful behaviour!! Your partner, I’m sorry to say, is a spineless man child who doesn’t deserve you!

ganvough · 15/03/2023 19:45

Your DP is behaving horrendously, enabling these nutbags to emotionally manipulate and bully you after you've given birth.

Do not apologise! If you do, you are setting the expectation forevermore that their behaviour is acceptable, and you will always give in to them. For whatever reason, you having this baby has pissed off your SIL and your MIL will obv take her side. This is a power play - asserting dominance - and they know you're at your most vulnerable now, which is why they're doing it.

Ignore them all, including your DH. What's he going to do? Manhandle the baby away from you, break up his relationship and raise the baby with his mum? You are in control and have all the power in this situation because it's YOUR baby. Stay in your baby cocoon and focus on your DC. Ignore DH anytime he tries to discuss his family - in fact refuse to talk about it. He will give up bugging you over this in time - only so long he himself will be able to put up with their drama.

As for the nutbags - it's your time to teach them a valuable life lesson - that NO ONE will come between you and your child's best interests and if they try, there's no space for them in your life. Your DH may not have a backbone but you do.

CheekyHobson · 15/03/2023 19:45

Just repeating what others have said but a relationship where your partner can't recognise toxic behaviour in his own family and therefore won't stand up for you against it is doomed.

I learned this the hard way. My my ex grew up in a family where there is constant drama, gaslighting and buck-passing, triangulation, disrespect and no apologies, just sweeping everything under the carpet and "getting over it". Put up and shut up. Superficially they are a family, but everyone snipes at each other behind the others' backs and there seems to be little genuine love, care or regard for each other.

But that is normal for him. It is really all he knew growing up and it's shaped his view of the world. Yes, he enjoyed being loved better than his family loved him by me (at least in the early years before I became totally worn out and lost my love and regard for him), and he even would even say he knew his childhood wasn't great and he wanted better for his own kids, but when it came down to it, he doesn't really know how to give love consistently, and he has almost no ability to manage conflict respectfully or compassionately.

He basically sees the world in dog-eat-dog terms, it's either fight to win or a wary stand-off where you ignore each other most of the time or pretend problems don't exist, and there's little authentic connection. My guess is that your partner is the same. If there's anything he subconsciously relies on his family for (a future inheritance, security against the thought of total abandonment) then he will always end up putting them first over you.

billy1966 · 15/03/2023 19:49

Tescobag · 15/03/2023 18:27

We've argued about it once again all day. He has said to me, he will just keep me and his family separate. He still feels I have disrespected his mum. I said to him, if you feel so strongly about it then go to your mums and live with her. He's now saying he doesn't want us to break up because of this. The more I think about it, the more upset I am about it. I really feel like the first few weeks of my sons life have been tainted because of this. I never wanted to keep her away from the baby but now she has done this I don't want her anywhere around him. I don't see a resolution from this right now and it has really changed how I view my partner. Considering I just had his child, I thought he would care more about me than this. I had a nap earlier today and he thought I was still sleeping so he was speaking to his mum and sister on the phone (on loud speaker) in the other room. I heard the sister say I come across as ungrateful, then the mum asked if I had said thank you to him for the food shopping he had bought a couple of days prior. I normally do food shopping but since having the baby, he decided to do it. He said to them that I am always grateful. I just feel like they are trying to pick on me and he enables it. I said to him today, I was going to call his mum to speak to her about this and he said that she wouldn't answer the phone if I did. I'm drained.

You poor woman.

Please be very careful.

This is not a good man.

You have your older child to think of too.

I really hope you stay very close to your mother and family because you need them for support.

His family sound so dreadful.

Quizzing are you grateful that lump has done the shopping?

They sound beyond nasty.

Please protect yourself and your children, he really doesn't have your back.

I am so sorry for you.

MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 19:49

I so agree with all the comments. Op, they are indeed evil bitches and your partner and fil are their stupid little minions. I feel for you. Let your mother be your guardian and protector. Do not let them anywhere near you, the baby, or your home.

Isthisit22 · 15/03/2023 19:52

jemimapuddlepluck · 15/03/2023 18:47

DO NOT ring his mum to talk about it. She will not listen, she will twist whatever you say, it will make everything ten times worse and your partner STILL won't have your back. These are the choices you have

  1. Stay. Learn to navigate their behaviour. Accept that they WILL ruin every special occasion from now on. Accept that your partner gives no shits about the affect this has had on you and will always side with his mum. Just accept it, because fighting it will just bring more toxicity. Create your own little peaceful bubble for you and your children.
  2. Leave. Live a drama free life.
Those are your options. You will never get through to them, they will never accept your point of view, do not waste your energy.

This.
Don’t let these horrible people ruin anymore of your precious time with your new baby.
Don’t even discuss it any further. As far as I can see if his parents aren’t speaking to you, that is great for you.

billy1966 · 15/03/2023 19:54

@CheekyHobson great post.

I would imagine you have nailed his background.

Anyone from even a half decent/normal family would know that calling a woman in labour to harangue her, is so unbelievably appalling, as to be just plain unbelievable.

Normal people do not behave like this.

Disordered freaks however, do!🙄

MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 19:56

ganvough · 15/03/2023 19:45

Your DP is behaving horrendously, enabling these nutbags to emotionally manipulate and bully you after you've given birth.

Do not apologise! If you do, you are setting the expectation forevermore that their behaviour is acceptable, and you will always give in to them. For whatever reason, you having this baby has pissed off your SIL and your MIL will obv take her side. This is a power play - asserting dominance - and they know you're at your most vulnerable now, which is why they're doing it.

Ignore them all, including your DH. What's he going to do? Manhandle the baby away from you, break up his relationship and raise the baby with his mum? You are in control and have all the power in this situation because it's YOUR baby. Stay in your baby cocoon and focus on your DC. Ignore DH anytime he tries to discuss his family - in fact refuse to talk about it. He will give up bugging you over this in time - only so long he himself will be able to put up with their drama.

As for the nutbags - it's your time to teach them a valuable life lesson - that NO ONE will come between you and your child's best interests and if they try, there's no space for them in your life. Your DH may not have a backbone but you do.

Yes this!

Snugglemonkey · 15/03/2023 20:00

MintJulia · 15/03/2023 14:28

'his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present'

This sounds like an outstanding idea. I'd go with this option 😊

Definitely the best option!

Hellno45 · 15/03/2023 20:04

I think you need to tell your partner to go and stay with his mum. You need time to recover from labour and be with your baby without the drama.

I'd be very clear that if she wants to see the baby alone without you she'll be waiting a long time. The baby is weeks old.

I'd be clear with your partner that you want be apologising because you haven't done anything wrong. If his mum wants to discuss it you are happy to do that but you'll he raising the appealing behaviour during your labour and the fact they have ruined your first few weeks with the baby with petty unnecessary drama.

I think I'd you choose to move forward with your partner your going to need very good boundaries.

Honestly, they all sound very toxic and manipulative.

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 15/03/2023 20:12

You are surrounded by utter pricks, your DH is included in this. What a lily livered arse. Your mil and SiL are massive bell ends, fuck em I say.

TimeToLose8 · 15/03/2023 20:13

Absolutely brilliant

waggamamar · 15/03/2023 20:13

Trader22 · 15/03/2023 18:36

Honestly OP, I want to call this cow myself and give her a bloody mouthful! I'm fuming on your behalf!

I want to slap the bitch!

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 15/03/2023 20:19

Wow!

I think you should show your "D" H this thread.

He needs to step up or step out.
He should have your back, and he just doesn't.

I cant believe he has let his family treat you so badly at a time when they should be supporting. It's shameful. He really is pathetic.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. You can do this with or without him , and suspect your life would be easier if it was without this toxic family of his!

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