Am I wrong or is his mum?

[Tescobag]

Backstory : I have been with my partner for coming up to three years. We recently just had a baby.

During our relationship, I had been around his mum but we never really got close ( wasn't a problem, just how things worked out) but I did like her. Before my relationship with my partner, I knew his sister through a mutual friend. We got on okay, and we stayed like this until I got pregnant. We ended up falling out during my pregnancy. It wasn't a huge fall out but it just become clear we didn't really get on, this didn't really cause a problem as we were never around each other much anyways only at family events, which we both could stay civil for. However my relationship with his mum stayed fine, even though we weren't particularly close.

I had a lot of health problems during my pregnancy so I spent most of my time at home, didn't see much of anyone except my partner.

Fast forward to my Labour, I was induced due to health problems. It took three days and during all of it, I stayed in close contact with my partners mum, updating her. I finally got to 10cm but my midwife told me I had to wait 30 minutes to push. So I'm obviously really nervous and scared and during this time my partner called his mum to update her. She was excited. As I'm talking to the midwife, my partner left the room to use the bathroom, in this time I receive a call from my partners mum. I'm expecting her to send her well wishes and send us good luck. I was shocked to answer the phone and for her to ask why me and the sister wasn't talking. I was told I need to make up with her immediately and get over whatever the problem was. I was accused of ignoring the sister anytime she tried to make contact with me, this wasn't true. The only time in the last couple of months I had spoken to the sister, was when we had a scare during the pregnancy and she had messaged me to send well wishes and I had told her what had happened and updated her when we got the all clear. All polite and fine. So I was confused by this. As the mum is saying these things to me, I hear the sister shouting and screaming in the background. I couldn't make out what she was saying, I told the mum that this was not the time for this and we will speak about it another time. My partner soon came back in the room and I got really upset because I was upset she had chosen to do that while I was having her grandchild. As I'm telling my partner what happened, both the mother and the sister start calling him constantly and when he's not replying, they both start flooding him with text messages. I got really upset and sent the mum a text message and said to her, that what she done was completely out of order and wrong. She tried to call me again but by this point, I had started to push and soon gave birth to our child.

So we spent one day in hospital then came back, late evening the day after having the baby. So the next day after getting home, the mum came and met the baby. All fine, nothing was brought up about what had happened. Unfortunately on this day, the baby didn't seem well so we took him to the hospital and he was admitted to the NICU for 6 days. Very hard and traumatic time for us both. We finally got back home, the mum and sister visited the day after getting home. All was fine, once again. She had planned to come again the day after but I cancelled her as I didn't realise I had the midwife coming over and I just wanted some quality time with the baby, my partner and my other child. Baring in mind, I had spent 6 days away from my older child. I've never been away from them for that long before so I wanted to make up the time with her. All okay once again.

She had planned to come again during the week but the baby had gotten a cold from my other child and they were both poorly. I had been up all night with the baby and my other child was in bed resting. So I cancelled again. The baby was just older than 2 weeks at this point. The mum said this was fine once again. I also want to point out, during the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy, the mum had planned to come and see me but cancelled twice. I wasn't upset by this at all and we moved on.

My partner was working that day and came home, when he came home he informed me that I had made his mum cry and she feels I'm keeping away her grandchild from her. I was shocked. I admitted to him, I didn't really like her from how she had behaved during my Labour but that had nothing to do with the baby and if I was keeping her away from the baby then I wouldn't have allowed her to see the baby at all. My partner has told me I need to apologise to her but I don't think I've done anything wrong so I'm not going to. This happened three days ago and since then, I've been told that his dad will never speak to me again as I've upset his wife and his mum will stay away from me until the baby is old enough to see her without me being present. I feel like all this drama has really ruined my baby's first few weeks of life, especially as he had to spend a chunk of it in the hospital already. I just want to enjoy him and I feel like it's constant drama.

I think I just posted on here to vent, but do you guys feel like I'm in the wrong? What do I do?

I think @Escapingafter50years has hit the nail on the head.

It’s unfortunate your DH won’t listen to your mum yet is willing to be ruled by his own. It’s not nice to think of you sitting in the middle of all this, but at least your mum is with you, I was hoping you weren’t going to say you’ve got no-one but DH. Why do you want your mum to keep out of it? Would she get angry? Or in case they act up and it all escalates?

Given that they’re talking about writing you out of your lives unless you apologise for something you didn’t do, I don’t know if it’s a bad thing for your mum to have a word with your MIL, to be honest, the ILs do seem to need a reality check. They’ve seen the baby, twice, it’s early days and you’ve all been ill. It would be good if someone could point out you’re all on the same team and they need to chill out with the the threats and ultimatums. They’re also driving a wedge between you and DH, do they consider that? I get your DH wants a quiet life but this can’t be doing you any good with a newborn, I’d have been in bits.

I don’t know what’s wrong with some families, it’s like when they get comfortable with you they think they can be as rude and dramatic as they like. All the weird behaviour starts coming out. You’ve not done anything wrong so just maintain that boundary from now on.

Why has he 'fallen out' with your mum? A proper man would have considered that she is looking out for you and look for truth I what she gas said and promise go better support you.

Is it possible op, that your husband is actually the one CREATING the drama? It just, it feels like all these behaviours are coming out of the blue. Is it possible HE is shit stirring? Perhaps in order to alienate you from family? To keep you vulnerable.

I mean, he may just be a spineless, selfish man baby. Or...he could be the one creating drama behind the scenes.

Either way...
go stay with your mum. Life's too short to waste on losers.

Definately consider if he has form for shit stirring op.

They could all be nuts. Or he could be the puppet master.

Very vommon for abusive men to want to isolate women. Often abuse ramps up when the baby is born.

@Pinkbonbon I personally wouldn't have let it go - but the OP already chose to.

I don't think she should have to apologise for anything - but if she's willing to get along with them without apologising there's a compromise to be had. If she doesn't want to, I'd completely support her decision on that (not that she cares two hoots about my opinion - I'm just a stranger on the internet!). I was just saying she can compromise without apologising if that's what she wants to do.

OP I'm guessing he's not the father of your other child?

How is your partner in other areas? Is he respectful towards you? Is he doing his fair share of housework/parenting? Does he support you in other ways?

Yes but I'm saying it takes two sides to reach a compromise. And it's unlikely, by the sounds of these inlaws that 'for a quiet life' would be achievable. They seem hellbent on drama.

I mean, we can live in hope. But in my opinion, apology or not, they're always going to keep finding another source for drama.

@Pinkbonbon yeah you're probably completely right.

Next it'll be "she won't let me have the baby overnight" or "why don't you ever let us take the baby abroad", thinking about it. And she'll always be the one bullied to give in for the sake of keeping the peace.

I don't want my mum to get involved as she would get angry. She is really upset at how they have behaved and really would find it hard to be calm with them if they are being unreasonable. My partner has fallen out with my mum because he thinks that I am in the wrong and my mum is enabling me to behave horribly towards his mother, so he says. His mum is disabled and he says as she is "weaker" than me, I am bullying her for making her cry. No, my partner isn't the father of my other child. In all other areas, my partner is very good. Normally very loving, caring, helps around the house and so far has been helping out with the baby a lot. So no problems there. It's just this.

Easy way to fund out if it's him creating drama or them:

Text mother in law 'hey Delia, I've had the oddest conversation with your son lately. One day last week he came in and told me his dad wouldn't speak to me anymore because you feel I've been 'keeping you from the baby'. Which obviously I haven't, I mean we both cancelled a few times but... ? Are the men folk just being dramatic? Cause I'm at a loss xD'.

I'd go with the non-apology apology (I was actually going to suggest something like that myself).

I cannot believe that they phoned and harassed you and your partner while you were giving birth. I think they need to apologise to you first, and then your partner for their part in the events.

I also think that if it's been suggested (as per @MintJulia ) I'd even think that once a suggestion like that has been made, you could at least take it out for a spin (if things don't go according to plan with the first bit, the non-apology apology).

The only thing I would change in @Elieza's post, is the first part of the first line.
I'd say "I'm sorry if you felt that things have been difficult between us recently".

I would also be having serious conversations with my partner about the situation and how you didn't feel that they had your back throughout the situation, during the birth, while you were in hospital and since you've been discharged.

This is a boundary making moment. Best of luck with it.

First off,you need to take his threat to take your newborn baby away from you as a clear and present danger-irrespective of who owes who an apology-that is coercion in my opinion. Your children were both unwell and exposing them to adults who could have more serious germs is risky and avoiding that situation is responsible parenting. I don't get where you did wrong in any of this? What a bunch of over dramatic bat shit individuals are in his family. Btw he's not 'helping' out he's parenting. If I were you I'd have your mom there with you or decamp with both to her home

Unfortunately, you have had a baby with a pathetic, weak man who, along with his family have ruined your babies first few weeks. You will never get this time back. It is disgusting behaviour and whatever you do, do not back down and apologise. You do not apologise when you have done nothing wrong or people like this will push and push. This is how it is. This is how it will always be and if you decide to stay with your partner you need to learn how to shut them down (including him) and fast and just deal with it.It will not get better and honestly, life is too precious to spend around toxic people like this.

Do NOT apologize to mil or sil! They harassed you while you were in labor! And now your idiot (sorry) of a partner does their dirty work for them and demands you apologize?? And your mil says she’ll see baby without you?? Absolutely not. This is one of the clearest cases for no contact I have ever seen. Op, please, you will be inviting more and more trouble if you put up with even one scintilla of their manipulative malice. If mil and sil don’t love you, they don’t love the baby. If they have malice toward you, then they have no business being anywhere near your baby. Put your foot down asap. Time to tell partner what’s what, and he better like it. Look at the pressure and conflict they are putting on you as a new mother when you should be free to enjoy this magical time. They are destroying your joy and are acting totally out of order. Nip it in the bud. No contact. If they genuinely apologize in the future and totally change, then you might think about slowly beginning to talk to them but that will never happen because that’s not who they are. Enjoy this time. That means decisive no contact, explain once to partner and don’t let them destroy your peace and joy. I’m sorry, I despise people who stomp on other people when they are going through a very happy (and challenging) time. 💐💐💐

Nip this in the bud op or it will be a nightmare. Your DH needs to back you up. Tell him your mul and sil were out of order and he needs to have a word. Until they stop you won't be going around and they can only see the baby if your DH takes her.

If your DH won't back you up you have bigger issues

This is one of the clearest cases for no contact I have ever seen.

This.

Any apology (non apology or otherwise) will not salvage this situation because they have shown you exactly the kind of people they are. Things will only get worse for you for here on out if you even try to salvage it.

You need to make clear to your partner that his family’s behaviour is unacceptable and quite frankly, disgusting, and that you want nothing more to do with them. If he doesn’t agree, or can’t see the problem, then he has also shown you exactly who he is and I promise you, you are better off raising your joint child alone than doing so with this shit show family causing you nothing but grief and hassle.

Nothing good can come of you trying to get along with these people for the sake of your child. They’re incapable of it.

Lean on your mum for support here. She can see the situation for what it is and has your best interests in mind. Your partner is only interested in trying to get his family off his back because he doesn’t have the balls to tell them no.

if possible, I would try and keep emotions out of it whenever it is raised and stay factual. I.e ok, you cancelled twice, but his mother cancelled twice too….so why is it any different?

they want an apology? I agree, there are lots of feelings that clearly need to be discussed including what happened during labour, so if they’d like to sit down and have an adult conversation you’d be happy to.

interesting that fil is happy to cut you off for no other reason than upsetting his wife, but someone can upset you as DPs partner and that’s ok?

if your partner works nights I presume he’s around during the day/evening so why do arrangements have to go through you anyway? Surely mil can arrange with him when is best to pop round

Tbh, I probably would keep my child away from them. They're abusive bullies. Kids shouldn't be raised by those sort

This. I would absolutely be going no contact with the inlaws (my children also) and if it was my husband, I'd expect him to align himself with me or go live with his mother. My ex mother in law didn't live close to us anyway but I was very low contact with her because she was nothing but drama and trouble.

The whole family sounds unhinged, and I'm sorry to say it, but your DH does too. What normal, logical thinking person would think it's fine to separate a newborn from it's mother for even one night, let alone several? And the fact that he hasn't put his family in their place after they harassed you during labor is appalling. I can't even believer he's asking you to apologize.

I'm sorry OP but I can't see how this would get better. Even if you somehow clear this hurdle I feel like him and his family will create another one :(

Until they stop you won't be going around and they can only see the baby if your DH takes her.

But he has already said he wants to take their newborn to stay at his mums for a couple of nights and that his mum will look after the baby so, I don’t think this is something she should be saying to her partner at all.

oh god OP I read this and really started to worry. There are so many red flags in this they could power a wind farm. He is trying to isolate you from your mother, who is trying to protect you, and force you to talk to a woman who thinks nothing of abusing you while you were in labour. You rightfully restricted contact while the children were poorly. In retaliation he wants to take your NEWBORN away and leave them with his disabled mother who actively dislikes you.

If you were my daughter I would be asking you to read what you just wrote and to pick apart what in that shows a healthy, respectful relationship. It looks to me like the beginning of a controlling relationship; and believe me, having watched my DB try to kill himself to get out of one, I have seen the tricks.

Please, for your own sake and your children, take some time out to get some counselling and/or decide if the relationship can survive this. You are worth far more.

I'd be sending your 'partner' home to his Mum. You owe no one an apology, you've just had a baby and if he doesn't like the situation his toxic family have created then he knows where the door is.

Tell him you weren't keeping the baby away from them - but you are now, because of their abusive behaviour, and that neither he nor they are going to bully you into doing what they want.

I’m actually afraid for you, op. You are dealing with very toxic people with ill will and malice toward you. Do not under any circumstances allow your baby anywhere near mil or sil. This is serious. Have one conversation with your dim and foolish partner. Don’t waste anymore of your precious mama time on these terrible people. They’ve destroyed enough of your joy and peace. Write down what you need to say if it helps. Tell him he’d better back you up 100% or get out. Tell him plainly and calmly how it is. Tell him there is no contact, none. He is to tell them to stop harassing you and stop contacting him or he will report them to the police. That’s it, no more contact, no back and forth. Nip it or they will be on your back forevermore and it will get much worse. Have your mother help you through this, to stay with you if necessary and I think it is. Let her be your guardian and defender. Let your husband learn courage and truth, or he leaves. Get a lawyer if you need to, to help protect your rights to not be continually harassed. You’ll never get back this time with your child again, keep that in the front of your mind when they continue to harass because they will unless you decisively nip it.