Unconventional relationship. Would you like this ?

[rosylips]

I've met someone new.
We're only starting to get to know one another so very very slowly.
We both have teens.
We are both single parents.
His kids are with him half the time, mine are with me full time.
He has high powered job and mine is highly stressful.
We live an hour apart.
We are both separated 4 years.
The only dea from the outset is that we meet when we can, basically when we are free of children responsibilities , for dinners, drinks, walks, nights away, coffees etc. I expect his to be once per week but def once per fortnight for an overnight also.
This is my suggestion and I know he is fully on board with this.
He is only back in the dating game after those years post separation, as his kids are older now.
We do not want our kids to be involved or even aware or f our thing as they've been through enough.
This would be our thing.. private and secretive.
I've zero interest in blending or anything heavy at least not for years while my kids are at home. I doubt I will ever live with a man again.
What would you call this ? What are the pitfalls in your opinion?
My personal time is so rare yet I would like a little pocket of joy just for me
With no hassle.

My other two are nearly15/19.

I don't think it's unconventional. I'm mid fifties and have several friends who ran their lives like that until teens had grown up. Then went in to live with their partners/marry in later life.

This is the kind of relationship I'm in at the moment and I'm almost a year down the line.
My kids have only met my boyfriend once.

For the first 7/8 months it was an absolutely brilliant set up like previous players said and exactly what I was looking for - all the fun and romance and none of the drudgery. We see each other on average probably about 3 overnights per fortnight due to children/working patterns.

However I've fallen for him and I know that he is currently happy with things staying as they are but I want more. What that 'more' is I don't actually know, I have a feeling it's maybe more to do with behaviours/personality that leaves me feeling wanting.

I think I'm worried about spending these next years with someone who maybe there's no future with when out there, there could be someone I could build a proper life with. It's just hard to think about ending things when we have such a great time together and I love him.

It’s fine. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 4 months and we both have kids. I have a lot more time on my hands than him, so it’s not ideal as he’s got his kids 100% at the moment which isn’t ideal. That is meant to be changing but we spent once a fortnight or something usually overnight together which is lovely. No interest in blending families, mine are too old and it’s just too complicated. Really I don’t want to go backwards with young kids again but in the future I wouldn’t rule it out because I I really care about him. Ideally I’d date someone with older kids too so we could have more time together but alas.

I think your set up sounds great and I’d probably look for something similar if things went wrong with my DH. I absolutely wouldn’t try to keep it secret for long though. You say your dc is intuitive. If he works this out it will confirm all of his worst fears and really damage his ability to trust, possibly permanently. Once you’ve established that the set up works, you need to be honest with your kids. If you can make it really clear how unaffected they’ll be you may be surprised at how adaptable your youngest actually is.

I completely understand your post. The difficulty is that you both have to be on the same page and accept that this could be dating rather than a fully fledged relationship. I am in my mid fifties and although there aren't children involved (bf's aren't living at home and are adults) we see each other a few times and at weekends - it sounds great and in many respects it is but it also feels less committed.

Sounds like a completely typical and normal post-divorce with kids scenario to me! Good luck

Sounds sensible: wish more parents would do this to be honest. Being forced into a blended family sounds like my idea of hell

Very common. Known as LAT - Living Apart Together. Search on here and check out the Apartners group on FB. Enjoy!

From reading your OP it’s a situation which sounds ideal apart fro the secrecy bit.

However having read further I think the reality is that this wouldn’t be a relationship. No overnights, only lunch’s and coffees and all in secret. From my own perspective I absolutely wouldn’t be up for being someone’s fuck buddy which is essentially what you would be to each other since there is no scope for an actual relationship.

And let’s be brutally honest here, if a woman posted here that she was seeing someone, and that he wanted only to see her every few weeks for lunches and coffees and a bit of elicit sex and it all had to be a secret posters would be telling her to head for the hills as it was likely he’s married.

I know you’re not, but that’s how it looks.

So no. IMO this isn’t a relationship at all it’s more of an arrangement.

I do feel for you, but the truth is that your thirteen year old can’t be allowed to rule your life.

I would work on getting past that first so that you can have a more normal life, with an actual relationship if that’s what you want. And actual relationship doesn’t mean the need to blend or anything like that. But it does mean being honest with your kids.

Some more nuance for futher down the line here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4622650-post-divorce-relationships-how-have-your-partners-shown-long-term-commitment