Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unconventional relationship. Would you like this ?

86 replies

rosylips · 14/03/2023 14:35

I've met someone new.
We're only starting to get to know one another so very very slowly.
We both have teens.
We are both single parents.
His kids are with him half the time, mine are with me full time.
He has high powered job and mine is highly stressful.
We live an hour apart.
We are both separated 4 years.
The only dea from the outset is that we meet when we can, basically when we are free of children responsibilities , for dinners, drinks, walks, nights away, coffees etc. I expect his to be once per week but def once per fortnight for an overnight also.
This is my suggestion and I know he is fully on board with this.
He is only back in the dating game after those years post separation, as his kids are older now.
We do not want our kids to be involved or even aware or f our thing as they've been through enough.
This would be our thing.. private and secretive.
I've zero interest in blending or anything heavy at least not for years while my kids are at home. I doubt I will ever live with a man again.
What would you call this ? What are the pitfalls in your opinion?
My personal time is so rare yet I would like a little pocket of joy just for me
With no hassle.

OP posts:
Augustlou30 · 14/03/2023 15:19

This is what I have and I don't think it's unconventional. I have 2 kids, younger than yours 12 and 9 and they are with their dad 50% of the week. I've been separated 8 years and I met my current partner 7 years ago. He didn't meet my children for years (easy for me as they're at their dads) and even now I spend most of my time with him when I'm child free. My kids do like him tho and we do do things together like days out and a holidays once per year, mostly fun stuff.

We have our own houses and I don't plan to change this until my children have grown up. His kids are in their 20s. I love what we have, I have my cake and I eat it. I'm 100% committed to our relationship and I intend to grow old with this man.

Augustlou30 · 14/03/2023 15:22

I meant to add we are both healthcare and work shifts so grab time when we can. Can be anything from a night/day per week to a few days. We chat every day over video chat. It works for us x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/03/2023 15:23

In terms of mutual benefits, it's sounds ideal for me - but I wouldn't expect sexual exclusivity to be part of it.

Cynically, I'd advise you to keep using condoms as the relationship progresses because it would be very easy for him to be quietly non-exclusive.

blackice · 14/03/2023 15:27

Sounds perfect!

pontipinemum · 14/03/2023 15:31

Sounds fine to me, I don't think I would actively make it secret but also wouldn't be talking about it in front of the kids.

It sounds like ye are both doing what is best for your children. What's wrong with having a boyfriend you don't need to go blending families just to be committed to each other.

Only pitfalls I can think of is one of you eventually wants more but that can be discussed if it happens.

Or you become pregnant and are forced into the open!!

2bazookas · 14/03/2023 15:36

Sounds like a good idea to me; all the benefits of a special friend/ adult social life/ occasional sex with none of the problems of blended families.

Try it and see.

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 15:56

I would be interested to know if it's your domestic arrangements or the actual need to spend time apart, I wouldn't say it actually matters though.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 14/03/2023 16:10

The only thing I disagree with is the secrecy.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/03/2023 16:24

Sounds perfect to me op

Johnisafckface · 14/03/2023 20:03

This is exactly the type of relationship I'm looking for. I tried to do this with my ex but he was the type that wanted to see each other every day. That was just not my thing (plus I don't think I liked him enough to want to see him daily 😂)

A good friend of mine is in this exact situation. She loves it. They see each other once every week or every other week. Neither of them have plans to live under the same roof. It works for them. They call it a "situationship" but to me it's just being in a relationship on your own terms. I hate that everyone feels like unless you live together, or see each other all the time is the only way to define a relationship (like my ex). I think a relationship is whatever you want to define it, and if both of you are happy with it who cares what you call it.

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 20:05

OP can I ask how much contact you will have when you're not together? Calls ,. messages etc

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/03/2023 20:08

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 14:54

I don’t think it should be kept a secret. You’d have to lie to your children and any babysitters, friends, relatives and so on about tour night away, where you are, who you are seeing. It doesn’t sound smart, safe or healthy to build any relationship on lying.

Its not lying!

Napmum · 14/03/2023 20:13

Doesn't sound unconventional, you're just going slow and keeping it really casual.

The only real difference to this is that having a boyfriend at university or early 20's is that your not announcing it to the world. Sounds very natural and mature considering your circumstances.

WunWun · 14/03/2023 20:16

I don't understand the need to keep it a secret from anyone, that seems really overdramatic and unnecessary to me. You could easily have a boyfriend and not feel the need to introduce them to your children.

Original poster
rosylips · 14/03/2023 20:18

We would see each other once a week ideally.
Call and text possibly every day as we're talkers !
We'll see !

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 14/03/2023 20:20

Op how many times have you actually met with him?

daimtheman · 14/03/2023 20:21

It sounds brilliant! There's nothing to say every relationship needs to develop beyond enjoying seeing each other, especially if neither wants marriage and more kids.

In fact, I think lots of people would be better off if we weren't so hellbent on blending our lives and going all in.

Livelifelaughter · 14/03/2023 20:40

rosylips · 14/03/2023 20:18

We would see each other once a week ideally.
Call and text possibly every day as we're talkers !
We'll see !

To be honest I don't think this sounds more unconventional than most relationships when you have already been married etc and no plans for following a path of marriage, moving in etc. Presumably you would support each other emotionally?

Original poster
rosylips · 14/03/2023 21:21

Only met a few times

OP posts:
Xtraincome · 14/03/2023 21:25

If anything happened to me and DH, this is the exact setup I would choose.

Not unconventional at all OP. Sounds lovely.

Original poster
rosylips · 14/03/2023 21:42

I would hope that I would not become overly invested .

OP posts:
WunWun · 14/03/2023 22:30

If you're not wanting to get overly invested, why not just leave it at sex? Walks, dinner, drinks, coffee etc... That's not really 'not getting invested' territory is it? I would do those things with friends but would feel upset if a friend suddenly dropped me.

I have to say... If this is online dating and you've only met a few times... it's definitely way too forward thinking to think further than your next date 😂

LadyJ2023 · 14/03/2023 23:03

Well done and how refreshing for not diving in and ending up with a mess and kids stuck in the middle. Sounds lovely the way your both going about it...Enjoy enjoy enjoy im sure you deserve it 🙂

ThisWormHasTurned · 14/03/2023 23:20

This is similar to what I have. I have my DD 80/20, my OH has his kids 50/50. We have co-ordinated our weekends without kids together. It’s long distance (well an hour apart) so we can’t fit week nights in. It’s worked for the first few months. Some point in the future if it is still working we will introduce the other to the kids and the kids to each other but they are younger than yours so not rushing it. We text and phone chat in between. Make the most of our weekends together! I think it’s pretty common when you’re both single parents.

GentlemanJay · 14/03/2023 23:31

Could this be an exclusive friends with benefits type relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread