Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unconventional relationship. Would you like this ?

86 replies

rosylips · 14/03/2023 14:35

I've met someone new.
We're only starting to get to know one another so very very slowly.
We both have teens.
We are both single parents.
His kids are with him half the time, mine are with me full time.
He has high powered job and mine is highly stressful.
We live an hour apart.
We are both separated 4 years.
The only dea from the outset is that we meet when we can, basically when we are free of children responsibilities , for dinners, drinks, walks, nights away, coffees etc. I expect his to be once per week but def once per fortnight for an overnight also.
This is my suggestion and I know he is fully on board with this.
He is only back in the dating game after those years post separation, as his kids are older now.
We do not want our kids to be involved or even aware or f our thing as they've been through enough.
This would be our thing.. private and secretive.
I've zero interest in blending or anything heavy at least not for years while my kids are at home. I doubt I will ever live with a man again.
What would you call this ? What are the pitfalls in your opinion?
My personal time is so rare yet I would like a little pocket of joy just for me
With no hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosylips · 14/03/2023 23:39

Yes it is exclusive . And yes it sounds like a friends with benefits thing does t it .
Suits me.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 14/03/2023 23:48

I would like that as long as I knew for SURE that he wasn’t lying / in a relationship/ still married.

the being “hidden” is a red flag for me.

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 05:53

rosylips · 14/03/2023 21:21

Only met a few times

How many?

would I be correct in thinking… no more than twice?

and given children, busy work and an hour distance…. It was a big feet to even arrange those two get togethers?

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 05:53

Feat

Original poster
rosylips · 15/03/2023 06:09

We live an hour apart but I work 20 mins from him so it's been remarkably easy to meet ok n those occasions as he WFH and is flexible.
That is a fine set up for coffee, lunches , a walk or an early dinner but not so much for just hanging out and relaxing together .
Maybe I'm overthinking it ?

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 15/03/2023 06:09

It sounds like a great idea.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/03/2023 06:13

It sounds fine but I agree that there is no need for secrecy especially with teens.

You are entitled to a life and personal relationships just as they are and they are old enough to know that.

I'm not saying that you have to blend families or he become a stepdad or influential in their lives but I don't think hiding relationships is healthy.

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 06:20

Ok so you’ve seen each other twice

OP, yes massively over thinking

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 06:21

How old are the teens?

JamNittyGritty · 15/03/2023 06:24

This is not too dissimilar to my relationship, although we both coparent 50/50 with our exes so more opportunity to see eachother. We have been together for over 4 years now, we did tell our kids after about a year and I have now met his and his me, but only a couple of times in the 4 years and there is no blending. We see eachother for an overnight one night a week sometimes 2 and go away for 3-4 nights 2-3 times a year. We are in love and both very happy, it works really well. We do talk about the future when kids are older and have moved out and although we want to spend more time together I think we will always keep 2 homes and have time apart.
it can really work if you are on the same page, definitely give it a go.

Phoebo · 15/03/2023 06:24

Sounds like a dream tbh! The nice part of being with someone with no hassle!

Original poster
rosylips · 15/03/2023 06:29

Teens are 13 15 and 18.
My 13 year old has severe separation anxiety and has a fear of me dying and leaving him, all brought in by dad leaving for his affair partner a few years ago.
He is hugely intuitive and can almost sense things before I can.
Me meeting someone would be his worst nightmare as it would ramp up his anxiety and associated behaviours... the worst being controlling type attempts.
This is why I need to be v discreet.

OP posts:
bizclasswindows · 15/03/2023 06:59

I think it's fine to be discreet at first, but maybe you shouldn't overplan. Maybe just agree to be discreet / casual / low-commitment for the first x months or years.

Then re-evaluate after. For example, a secret relationship over 5, 6 years sounds like a breeding ground for trust issues and more secrets, even in a low-commitment exclusive relationship. On the other hand, if you still just want some fun after 1 or 2 years, and you don't really envision combining your lives even after your kids are grown up, you can keep it that way.

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 15/03/2023 07:03

ForestLilac · 14/03/2023 14:47

Would I like that? Yes. It sounds like perfection.

Came here to say this

Dery · 15/03/2023 07:13

Agree with PP - this isn’t unconventional. And it sounds like a great way to proceed if you can both make it work.

I do share the concern over secrecy if only from a safety perspective. I get that you and he want to keep this for yourselves, not have curious friends and relatives wanting an intro etc but do you have a discreet friend or 2 whom you could tell?

Also be aware that his claims of exclusivity may not match his actions. There are men who will lie to get condom-free sex. If he’s happy to go condom-free without you right away, then he’s a man who’s happy to go condom-free generally and not overly concerned about looking after his sexual health.

Gufo · 15/03/2023 07:15

Sounds great - no in laws either Grin

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 07:21

rosylips · 15/03/2023 06:29

Teens are 13 15 and 18.
My 13 year old has severe separation anxiety and has a fear of me dying and leaving him, all brought in by dad leaving for his affair partner a few years ago.
He is hugely intuitive and can almost sense things before I can.
Me meeting someone would be his worst nightmare as it would ramp up his anxiety and associated behaviours... the worst being controlling type attempts.
This is why I need to be v discreet.

So you will never ever be able to stay the night at his or have him over to stay the night!

so it would be lunch break walks and coffee?

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 07:22

Is your son receiving any professional support?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/03/2023 07:24

Sounds great !
no need to
label anything

this is what I want basically

Original poster
rosylips · 15/03/2023 07:37

I will tell my closest friends and sisters but my youngest cannot know and my ex partner cannot know or my quality of life will be hell.
I canno see us having many nights together at the moment no.
My son has received so much counselling and a range of supports. He's been to CAMHS who've sent him for ASD assessment , which we await.
My son tries to control every aspect of my life but he does go to school most of the time and is ok when he is at home woth his siblings if I have a dr appointment or a meeting.
It's no way to live for him and for me so I'm hoping that things will start to progress soon.
This casual relationship is a piece of joy for me.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 07:40

Op how will you ever get a single night with him? And never any time over the weekend.

so when aside from the odd mid week lunchtime coffee?

Lovelyveg82 · 15/03/2023 07:41

My son tries to control every aspect of my life

this is very disturbing op. I feel for you

Apollaine · 15/03/2023 07:43

Sounds ideal- but I wouldn't keep it 'secret'. Your children don't need to know immediately but, in time, they should know. It's odd to hide a meaningful relationship from them, they are old enough to know about it, without meeting him or forming their own relationship with him. Would you lie to them if they asked what you'd been doing? Where will they think you are when you're with him overnight?
I don't like the idea of deceiving them ( or at least lying by omission) for no good reason. You can still keep your relationship just for you- with no expectation ever of blending the kids. Sounds marvellous !!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/03/2023 07:44

It sounds like a normal way to have an early relationship to me.

6 months or so in if it’s going well I would let people / your kids know you see seeing someone, just because if you get spotted that would be off. They don’t need to meet them for a lot longer though.

Congratulations on finding someone you like.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/03/2023 07:46

Re - your son. Oh I see. How old are your kids? I guess if they are close to adulthood it isn’t too bad.

Swipe left for the next trending thread