Unconventional relationship. Would you like this ?

[rosylips]

I've met someone new.
We're only starting to get to know one another so very very slowly.
We both have teens.
We are both single parents.
His kids are with him half the time, mine are with me full time.
He has high powered job and mine is highly stressful.
We live an hour apart.
We are both separated 4 years.
The only dea from the outset is that we meet when we can, basically when we are free of children responsibilities , for dinners, drinks, walks, nights away, coffees etc. I expect his to be once per week but def once per fortnight for an overnight also.
This is my suggestion and I know he is fully on board with this.
He is only back in the dating game after those years post separation, as his kids are older now.
We do not want our kids to be involved or even aware or f our thing as they've been through enough.
This would be our thing.. private and secretive.
I've zero interest in blending or anything heavy at least not for years while my kids are at home. I doubt I will ever live with a man again.
What would you call this ? What are the pitfalls in your opinion?
My personal time is so rare yet I would like a little pocket of joy just for me
With no hassle.

Would you be in an exclusive relationship?

Yes

It doesn't sound in the least unconventional to me OP - just sensible.

Have fun!

Oh thanks@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu !!
It's all new to us !

Would I like that? Yes. It sounds like perfection.

What’s the unconventional bit - not seeing each other daily, just ‘dates’ plus not combining families?

If so, it sounds ideal. Go for it.

That's what I'd call 'having a boyfriend'.
Perfectly reasonable model of relationship.

We've got confused in recent years with everyone being called 'partners' and perhaps expecting a degree of influence in each others lives, while there is still no responsibility.

Sounds absolutely ideal to me. I suppose the only problem might be in the future if one of you starts wanting more time together or a blended family but you can cross that bridge if you come to it.

It sounds perfect! A wonderful way to have some fun and company and get to know someone new without it taking over your life. All the romance and no domesticity sounds wonderful!

If possible have the overnights in a nice hotel whenever you can and treat it like a minibreak. All the excitement of an illicit encounter but without the guilt!

Sounds sensible to me given the age of your kids, the stress of your jobs and the distance between the pair of you. If it works, then who cares what other's think anyway :)

sounds ideal

I don’t think it should be kept a secret. You’d have to lie to your children and any babysitters, friends, relatives and so on about tour night away, where you are, who you are seeing. It doesn’t sound smart, safe or healthy to build any relationship on lying.

I don't see the need for the secrecy but otherwise sounds fine to me.

Sounds great and sensible.

I'm not sure many men would be so keen on the sex once a fortnight bit.

If you're both on board with that setup then I wouldn't even call it that unconventional. It's sensible to actually set out what you can reasonably expect from the other given the rest of your lives, so you're not second-guessing each other when you're not in contact.

The main pitfall I can see is keeping it secret from your children. I can see where you're coming from but teenagers are better than you think at finding things out, and tend to take being lied to (even by omission) very badly. You don't need to give them the details but this shouldn't be a secret.

It sounds great initially as you get to know each other. And it might continue to work like this long term.

Pitfalls I could forsee:
-you or him develop strong feelings that lead to you wanting more, i.e. building a life together (I know you think you don't want this, but you might surprise yourself!)
-the covert nature of it. You could run into someone you know, your kids could work it out, it might be harder than you think to keep it a secret. Will you outright lie if someone asks if you're seeing someone? What would you do with gifts? It feels romantic at first to keep something secret but you might find it gets trickier and less appealing as time goes on.

But in the meantime, enjoy yourself :)

Don’t see any reason for “secrecy”. If you’ve been separated for 4 years it’s totally reasonable to date / have a relationship. Just say to your teens, if they ask, yes I am seeing someone. Doesn’t need to be a big drama. As others have said they will work it out anyway and the unknown might be more of a headf*ck to them.

If you were both up for those parameters then that’s all good.

It sounds completely reasonable, and keeping the kids out of it (at least for the time being) is very very sensible in case it doesn't last. I think you're doing everything right! Enjoy yourself!

I'm in a very similar set-up, have been for nearly 4 years. My kids are aware and every now and then see my partner, and like him. His family will never know, for complicated reasons. Most of the time it works well, I suspect we have fewer ups and downs that we'd have if we lived together. Slowly and gradually our involvement has got stronger. He does a lot of us in the house, I try and support him with practical stuff. We go on holidays and are in daily contact, see each other a couple of times a week. I sometimes worry about what our future will look like, will I end up alone in my old age? But then again, nobody knows what the future holds. I feel we truly love each other and have each other's backs. Not sharing a domestic set-up means we truly enjoy our times together, and can enjoy the peace of our own homes and time with our kids when we feel like it. I'd say a key thing is to keep talking to each other, so that you are aware of each other's expectations and wishes. Not living with a man is true bliss most of the time, for me anyway. Wish you all the best, and after what sounds like a difficult time for you, enjoy the benefits of this relationship without worrying about what label to put on it. 🌹

That’s what I have for the past 3 years/ almost4 years although it’s not a secret.
Initially we were “just us” , kids were aware we existed but hadn’t met us.
Around 2 years into it they were asking for introductions to us and the kids were curious about each other. So we did that but in a very relaxed manner. They’ll never ever live together, they enjoy meeting every so often for cinema, meals etc but it’s the same as meeting up with my friends and kids. There’s no pressure and they aren’t under obligation to meet up.
If the relationship went tits up tomorrow it wouldn’t affect either of our children.
For me it’s perfect, and we have the added complication of distance so we meet up once a fortnight.

I think this is absolutely fine. I am in my 50s and I call my boyfriend just that. We don't intend to marry, or move in. We always make time to see each other once a week and a day at the weekend. The only thing I would say is that we saw each other more to begin with for say 3 ish months and settled in to this pattern. I wouldn't keep it a secret though, it will end up feeling like an affair.

It sounds very much like ‘being together but apart’ which more and more cou0es decide to embrace,
Granted the opportunities to meet up are rare atm. But when your dcs have left home (5 years time? If they are teens, it can’t be that long) you’ll have more flexibility.

I think it sounds great.

How many times have you actually met in person?

young teens or older?

Too far apart for cinema trips or coffee meet ups or just a stroll.