Where to start. I am 61 and my DP is 63. We’ve been together for 12 years and are committed to each other. We’ve both been married before and both have kids. Neither of us are particularly bothered about doing it again, but we are financially entangled. We’ve also recently retired which makes things even more complicated.
DP has been a womaniser all his life but it largely stopped when he met me. We agreed that, if it happened, he would use condoms and tell me. He has told me about 2 occasions. One of them is the problem. He has had an on-off thing (I don’t know what to call it. It’s not an affair, but it is more than just sex) with a woman from his home country for over 20 years. Last time he went home he slept with her and subsequently told me. I asked him to cut all contact with her and he did. That was 7 years ago.
He went back to his home country in December for the first time since Covid to see his family. Unbeknownst to me he got in touch with her again and, unsurprisingly, they had sex etc. He told me a month ago but brushed it away as a fling with an old flame and nothing serious. He seemed surprised that I was jealous and said she meant nothing and was just a bit of fun. Neither of us have mentioned it since.
I could forgive all this. I knew who and what he was from the start and she is a long way away. Then I saw an email she sent him at new year. I didn’t snoop but it popped up in his sent items, the original is buried in a folder with an old business name so definitely hidden. It was devastating. It’s clear from her email that he told her he loved her and she was the one. Lots of sex stuff but not gory details, lots about how they make each other feel and romantic exchanges. He told her that he’s fantasied about her since the day they met. It’s clear that it’s not a shag with a willing volunteer. It’s a very long email and the tone and the references to comments and conversation makes it clear that they have very very deep feelings for each other. And I am honest enough to see that his feelings are probably deeper than hers. This isn’t an infatuation with a pretty little thing. She is in her 50s and a successful and accomplished woman.
She ended the email with words to the effect that anything between them was impossible because of the distance but that she had the same warm place in her heart for him as he had for her. Basically telling him it was not to be and that she wanted to stay friends. He replied to say he had read it and that he loved her but has sent nothing since.
I just don’t know what to do now. She clearly isn’t a threat to our relationship in that he won’t leave me for her. She sounds very sensible in her email and points out that, even if he did return to his home country for her, a relationship between them would be unlikely to survive the pressure. But he loves her and dreams about her and I am second to that. If I leave him I blow all my financial security for retirement. I could just leave it and let it scab over til it heals, but the scar will always be there. He has no idea that I know and I can’t ask him as I don’t want to hear him lie or tell the truth but it is burning a hole in me and I don’t know what to do.