OW who isn’t?

[Onetimeonlyusername]

Where to start. I am 61 and my DP is 63. We’ve been together for 12 years and are committed to each other. We’ve both been married before and both have kids. Neither of us are particularly bothered about doing it again, but we are financially entangled. We’ve also recently retired which makes things even more complicated.

DP has been a womaniser all his life but it largely stopped when he met me. We agreed that, if it happened, he would use condoms and tell me. He has told me about 2 occasions. One of them is the problem. He has had an on-off thing (I don’t know what to call it. It’s not an affair, but it is more than just sex) with a woman from his home country for over 20 years. Last time he went home he slept with her and subsequently told me. I asked him to cut all contact with her and he did. That was 7 years ago.

He went back to his home country in December for the first time since Covid to see his family. Unbeknownst to me he got in touch with her again and, unsurprisingly, they had sex etc. He told me a month ago but brushed it away as a fling with an old flame and nothing serious. He seemed surprised that I was jealous and said she meant nothing and was just a bit of fun. Neither of us have mentioned it since.

I could forgive all this. I knew who and what he was from the start and she is a long way away. Then I saw an email she sent him at new year. I didn’t snoop but it popped up in his sent items, the original is buried in a folder with an old business name so definitely hidden. It was devastating. It’s clear from her email that he told her he loved her and she was the one. Lots of sex stuff but not gory details, lots about how they make each other feel and romantic exchanges. He told her that he’s fantasied about her since the day they met. It’s clear that it’s not a shag with a willing volunteer. It’s a very long email and the tone and the references to comments and conversation makes it clear that they have very very deep feelings for each other. And I am honest enough to see that his feelings are probably deeper than hers. This isn’t an infatuation with a pretty little thing. She is in her 50s and a successful and accomplished woman.

She ended the email with words to the effect that anything between them was impossible because of the distance but that she had the same warm place in her heart for him as he had for her. Basically telling him it was not to be and that she wanted to stay friends. He replied to say he had read it and that he loved her but has sent nothing since.

I just don’t know what to do now. She clearly isn’t a threat to our relationship in that he won’t leave me for her. She sounds very sensible in her email and points out that, even if he did return to his home country for her, a relationship between them would be unlikely to survive the pressure. But he loves her and dreams about her and I am second to that. If I leave him I blow all my financial security for retirement. I could just leave it and let it scab over til it heals, but the scar will always be there. He has no idea that I know and I can’t ask him as I don’t want to hear him lie or tell the truth but it is burning a hole in me and I don’t know what to do.

But I wouldn't assume accepting this relationship means you have financial security etc and that he will never leave. You accepted an arrangement that a lot of people would not be happy with- effectively a one-sided open marriage- and he hasn't even managed to stick to that. I would not trust this man as far as I could throw him. I think there's a real risk that you trade your happiness and self-respect for financial security and commitment, and then he fucks off anyway.

Exactly my thoughts.
You are not secure financially or emotionally. He is actively persuing other women and saying he loves them.

Thank God she is 50 not 40, then you could have a DC involved.

Open marriage = fine. But this is much more than that. You are being mocked.

My honest opinion is: get some bloody self esteem OP.

Why do you think you are only worth enough for a man who wants to shag other women?

A 63 year old "womanizer" : give me strength.

YOU provide him with his "cloak" of decency. "I am a married man" etc.
Misgonystic idiot.

I do have a lot of sympathy for your predicament and I think some of the comments are pretty harsh .

Basically you are at a stage in life where you might feel it's better the devil you know. Your finances are interlinked.
Many women (although they would be slaughtered on Mumsnet) turn a blind eye to infidelity and even if they are at a stage in life where they can pick themselves up more easily because they prefer to be married or they stay "because of the children" - I think you are trying to find a way to manage your feelings to continue in the relationship. I would honestly speak to a counsellor and probably get a more understanding ear.

OP For me the problem here is that you have already given him the green light to see other women.

I think you have to come clean and tell him the truth and also tell him if you are going to continue being together it all has to stop now or you are living a lie which will only fester in your head even more than it already is

Op, if you are hoping someone dies sooner rather than later and hoping her estate is sorted quickly, so he has no excuse to see this woman, that’s a huge sign it’s not a happy relationship and shows you aren’t happy with the set up.

Besides which, his mum may not die for years and he may continue to visit more often, you knowing what he is doing when he is there. The estate may then take years and his visits could be often and you know he will be with her during the visits. And even when all that’s sorted, he may still decide to keep visiting home. Let’s say this all takes 10 years or even 5. You aren’t going to leave him when it’s clear he is simply visiting her when you are in your late 60s/early 70s, are you? So he can do as he pleases.

If you want to stay with him, you have to accept that he won’t give her up. That he has strong feelings for her that predate your relationship. He won’t stop seeing her. That’s the only way it will work. But I don’t think you can be happy because your mindset is ‘well when his mum does and her estate is sorted he won’t go see her’. That’s not how someone thinks if they are ok with a situation.

I can’t ask him as I don’t want to hear him lie or tell the truth What exactly do you want op? He is in love with her and you want that to just go away? He's loved her since before you met and it's not going away.

Given your kinda living an open relationship but it's the feelings he's admitted to it that's hurt you, would you rewrite the rules of your relationship? Think about what you are and aren't okay with, and open up a conversation. Ask him about her, and explain why it's hurt you. He has told you about her and the others so he feels he knows the line he can and can't cross but has become blurred for him. And now blurred your future. If you want to stay together, even as companions rather than a typical relationship then he needs to know your boundaries too. It's easier for people on the outside to say just leave, but are you happy in your life in general usually with him?

Is his home country in the Caribbean? If it is I hope you have regular sti checkups. Sounds like someone I know, who is full of shit!

OP ultimately you’re in an open relationship. You entered into an open relationship the instant you gave him the green light to shag around.

And IME open relationships never end well because one always develops feelings for someone else.

So the question you have to ask yourself is, would you be up for starting to see other people in the same way he has? Because you don’t need his permission, you’re already in an open relationship. Or do you actually not want this to be an open relationship in which case you need to change the boundaries and tell him that it’s monogamy or you’re off.

She clearly isn’t a threat to our relationship
Only because you put up with his sleazy behaviour, he's no need to leave you, he's got the best of both worlds, the doormat partner and the shag when he's visiting family.
How can you be so lacking in self respect, no man is worth this life.

You signed up for an open relationship, it all sounds grubby and embarrassing, but if that what you want from life.. get very frequent sexually transmitted disease tests. How are you financially enmeshed if you’re legally single?

Why are you in a relationship with T&Cs you're not happy with?
What made you adopt the attitude that's its OK he's 'a womaniser' provided this and that, when really it's not OK at all for you, is it?
This woman is a red herring. She's no practical threat to you. Your problem is that for some unfathomable reason you think you need to tolerate behaviour that you don't want to.
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life masking your hurt and worrying about the next threat, why not be honest and draw the line? Tell him straight, other women are not OK. None. Ever. So he chooses 'womanising' or you.

This is so sad because he absolutely will go back to her again

I'm not really sure why you are so calm. If my H came out with disrespectful shit like this - never mind divorcing him, I would be plotting to put him under the patio. It would be a double win: no more cheating and no lack of financial security.