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Original poster

AIBU - pushy/needy friend

122 replies

Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 18:14

Just wondering what you guys thought of a situation I’m in.

I’m 47, single and 3 years ago met a guy while on holiday with my daughter (she’s now 7). He’s a few years older, single, never married. Although there was definitely no romantic interest on my side he seemed nice company and we met up a few times on the holiday just as friends. I’ve always made it clear we are just friends and he has always respected that and never made any moves.

Since we got back home he has travelled up to Scotland (where I live) numerous times to spend time with us - he lives a 3.5 hour drive away. He usually stays a few days and will book into a hotel near by. I enjoyed his company and didn’t mind the visits.

Initially he came up just a few times a year but he’s starting to want to come up more and more often. Xmas 2022 he asked if he could spend Xmas with us and my family but I (politely) said no. Most recently he was up in December then February and now he wants to come up again in April! Visits are always initiated by him, I’ve never went down to his. And when he’s here it’s for days, he spends hours at a time sitting on my house and I end up spending a lot of money keeping him entertained with days out, dinners/lunches out etc that, being a single parent, I struggle financially with.

I’m living temporarily with my parents and brother right now and over time they’ve got to know my friend and grown fond of him. He has also started bringing his step-mum (only family member he really has) and I like her too. They both shower the family with an embarrassing amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas and have gotten close enough to my
Family that sometimes they all go out for dinner without me if I’m busy.

Here’s the problem - I am 7 months pregnant (donor embryo) and my
friend was last up only a few weeks ago. He messaged asking if he could come up next month (when I’ll be 8 months gone) but I said no as I’ll be too tired to entertain them for 3 days. I said he was welcome
to come up once the baby arrives. He then suggested coming up either the week after the baby was born or a few weeks after to celebrate his birthday. I also said no and that I needed some time getting settled Into a routine with my new baby and that he would have to wait until Autumn to next visit.

He hasn’t replied to my last message.

I think he’s probably hurt by my rebuttal but I just feel he’s getting too much and becoming too imposing on my family. He doesn’t seem to have many friends… I am becoming increasingly irritated by him at this stage but part of me also feels guilty.
AIBU by keeping him at arms length and setting up boundaries?

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
gloriousmulch · 13/03/2023 18:36

No yanbu, it sounds like he needs the boundaries, especially as he’s getting on your nerves fairly regularly. He sounds a bit too needy and reliant on you.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 19:49

Thank you.
I’ve discussed this with my family and they
seem sympathetic to him and that I’m being too harsh. I wasn’t sure what to think! Raging pregnancy hormones have me doubting myself…

OP posts:
IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 13/03/2023 19:52

Sounds nuts, you are not his crutch.

Paellasun · 13/03/2023 20:03

He doesn’t seem to have great boundaries, or get the hint from you on the level of friendship you’re after.
how’s his relationship with your daughter?

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 20:12

He adores my daughter and is always kissing and cuddling her which makes me feel uncomfortable at times but I’ve discussed this with My family and they don’t have any concerns.l (apart from my mum who has reservations). He is also the same way wiyh my dog so I think it’s just his way. My daughter feels the same way about him but
i fear she’s be this way about any male in my life as she was donor conceived and would like to have a dad 🥲.

OP posts:
HanSB · 13/03/2023 20:15

Friendship goes both ways, yours don't sound balanced because he needs more from the relationship than you do. It's a very busy time for you with the pregnancy and baby arriving soon and if he is a good friend then he should be able to understand and respect that. I don't think it's hormones, don't have any pity for him sway decisions to put yourself and your baby first. He's a grown man who isn't your partner and shouldn't be so reliant on you.

Acheyknees · 13/03/2023 20:17

Why not suggest you going to his once you've got settled with the baby and see what his reaction is?

BluetheBear · 13/03/2023 20:21

It sounds odd. He seems like a nice guy but hasn't picked up on the one sided nature.

BluetheBear · 13/03/2023 20:21

Acheyknees · 13/03/2023 20:17

Why not suggest you going to his once you've got settled with the baby and see what his reaction is?

To what end?

I don't think OP wants to go to his.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 20:35

Hansb - that’s what annoys me about
him - I could understand h wanting to be so full on if he was a partner, relative or my daughters dad but he’s none of those things! Merely a friend.

I did think about going down to visit him once the baby arrives but it’ll be a 7 hour long round trip with a newborn and 7 year old with a load of baby equipment and I just don’t think it’ll be feasible.

OP posts:
IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 13/03/2023 21:10

He wants a substitute family, without thereal responsibility and expense.... He wants a network, for when he is older. The family pal, its weird. You don't have to provide it.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 21:25

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 13/03/2023 21:10

He wants a substitute family, without thereal responsibility and expense.... He wants a network, for when he is older. The family pal, its weird. You don't have to provide it.

I agree with this. He has lost both
his parents and doesn’t speak to his only sibling. I think he’s looking for a family to become part of and I think that’s why I get annoyed at his pushiness around mine - when he asked if he could spend Xmas with us the alarm bells starting ringing! There is an American family he used to follow on FB and went over to visit them last year and stayed for 5 days - he’s going to ask them if he can go over and spend this Xmas with them! I think it’s all a bit
weird.
he’s a nice guy, kind, generous and good company but there’s just something not
quite right with all his attention on me and my family and it’s why I keep him at arms length - I’m sure he would be up here
every weekend if I let him. He even said that once his stepmom died that’s he wants to move up to my town!! Hell no.

OP posts:
IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 13/03/2023 21:33

Why doesn't he have any local friends?

cpphelp · 13/03/2023 21:41

Sorry if I've read this wrong!?
You are uncomfortable about how he is with your daughter,
Your daughter is uncomfortable about how he is with her,
Your mum is uncomfortable about how he is with your daughter.
He's too pushy and needy for you.

Why on earth haven't you ended this friendship?

Goatbilly · 13/03/2023 21:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Didn't you pick up, while on holiday, that something wasn't quite right? Why would a total stranger take so much interest in you and your daughter? He sounds suffocating!

kweeble · 13/03/2023 21:47

You can break up with friends just as you would do in a relationship that wasn’t working out. I’m especially concerned that he’s latched on to you as you have a young daughter - you need to protect her from possible grooming.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:21

Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 19:49

Thank you.
I’ve discussed this with my family and they
seem sympathetic to him and that I’m being too harsh. I wasn’t sure what to think! Raging pregnancy hormones have me doubting myself…

WTF are your family playing at?

They don;t get to dictate who you want to see or how frequently you want to see them. Tell them to back off because it;s not their decision.

TreadLightly3 · 13/03/2023 22:38

Gosh @Heidi3333 this sounds so tough but honestly you need to decide what is best for you and your daughter and new baby. If you keep letting him have his own way you’re basically saying his happiness is more important than yours and your kids’. Bonkers when you put it like that.

Hopefully some brilliant women will be along shortly with some advice on how to draw some permanent boundaries with him

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 13/03/2023 22:45

Hi Cpp he is very affectionate toward my daughter and is always kissing and cuddling her. My daughter is equally affectionate back but it sometimes makes my mum and I uncomfortable. My dad and brothers think we are being silly. He acts the same way toward our dog so I think it’s just his way…He has young children in his family that he equally seems fond off judging by the FB posts he puts up of
them.

I have worried about the possibility of grooming but my gut tells me he’s just lonely and looking to fit in somewhere.

Hes been like this since the first time we met him on a boat tour in Cyprus. We got chatting and then I couldn’t get him to stop talking to me. Once the tour was over I was relieved to see he had stopped to talk to the tour guide and we walked on ahead and found a restaurant to sit in. But he seen us in there and came and sat beside us! Things just carried on from there and we met up a few times but I was a bit wary when he started changing all his travel plans to fit in with ours. He’s always been quite pushy in terms of imposing his company on us.

He is a nice buy with lots of good qualities and my family like him and his step mum but he’s just too much sometimes. This last few weeks have really highlighted this.

OP posts:
WalterWitty · 13/03/2023 22:47

If this is even real, stop it now. So many 🚩 🚩 it’s ridiculous. He has targeted you for your daughter.

if he comes up in future and you have a little baby to look after you won’t be able to be so on guard.

TreadLightly3 · 13/03/2023 23:00

You and your mum are much better off trusting your gut now than potentially bitterly regretting it down the line.

Your update makes him sound even worse than previously and it’s clear you’re not comfortable with how much he’s imposing on your life and with good reason. I really hope you find the strength to get shot of him from your lives soon xx

Weatherwax13 · 13/03/2023 23:04

You're uncomfortable with him around your child. None of your other concerns matter in comparison to this. Sod what your family members might think. Don't ever ignore uneasy feelings around DC. You should stop seeing him

Weatherwax13 · 13/03/2023 23:07

Furthermore, as I think about this, I suspect you're being groomed. This is why the advice to single mothers on dating apps is never to mention or include photos with their kids on their profile.

Ooompaloopa · 13/03/2023 23:13

He’s grooming the lot of you.

He targeted you on that holiday.

Your very first gut reaction was real and accurate.

You need him gone.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 13/03/2023 23:13

Im sorry to say this but this concerns me.

He is wanting to see you more as you daughter is becoming nearer the age of puberty.

He adores your daughter and has never married.

You need to protect your daughter. Please.

I have heard hundreds of stories like this in my professional career and they never end well for the child.

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