AIBU - pushy/needy friend

[Heidi3333]

Just wondering what you guys thought of a situation I’m in.

I’m 47, single and 3 years ago met a guy while on holiday with my daughter (she’s now 7). He’s a few years older, single, never married. Although there was definitely no romantic interest on my side he seemed nice company and we met up a few times on the holiday just as friends. I’ve always made it clear we are just friends and he has always respected that and never made any moves.

Since we got back home he has travelled up to Scotland (where I live) numerous times to spend time with us - he lives a 3.5 hour drive away. He usually stays a few days and will book into a hotel near by. I enjoyed his company and didn’t mind the visits.

Initially he came up just a few times a year but he’s starting to want to come up more and more often. Xmas 2022 he asked if he could spend Xmas with us and my family but I (politely) said no. Most recently he was up in December then February and now he wants to come up again in April! Visits are always initiated by him, I’ve never went down to his. And when he’s here it’s for days, he spends hours at a time sitting on my house and I end up spending a lot of money keeping him entertained with days out, dinners/lunches out etc that, being a single parent, I struggle financially with.

I’m living temporarily with my parents and brother right now and over time they’ve got to know my friend and grown fond of him. He has also started bringing his step-mum (only family member he really has) and I like her too. They both shower the family with an embarrassing amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas and have gotten close enough to my
Family that sometimes they all go out for dinner without me if I’m busy.

Here’s the problem - I am 7 months pregnant (donor embryo) and my
friend was last up only a few weeks ago. He messaged asking if he could come up next month (when I’ll be 8 months gone) but I said no as I’ll be too tired to entertain them for 3 days. I said he was welcome
to come up once the baby arrives. He then suggested coming up either the week after the baby was born or a few weeks after to celebrate his birthday. I also said no and that I needed some time getting settled Into a routine with my new baby and that he would have to wait until Autumn to next visit.

He hasn’t replied to my last message.

I think he’s probably hurt by my rebuttal but I just feel he’s getting too much and becoming too imposing on my family. He doesn’t seem to have many friends… I am becoming increasingly irritated by him at this stage but part of me also feels guilty.
AIBU by keeping him at arms length and setting up boundaries?

Thanks for reading x

Considering the fact you now know he has targeted a second family, via their daughter who is a child, it's worth you requesting a Sarah's Law disclosure to see if he does have relevant convictions.

If he does, you can then ask for help and advice on anything you should do considering the fact your daughter has had considerable contact with him.

It's best to have as much information as possible.

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

Thanks for the links. I’ll check them out.

Reason for slow fade? I’ve blocked people in the past and then unblocked them as I’ve second guessed myself and wondered if I’ve been too harsh, especially if other people question my judgement. I find it much easier to just do a slow fade and then eventually delete.

He has just messaged me saying he understands why I can’t see him for a while. I don’t intend on replying.

Also I don’t mean to sound naive but he works in a hospital- surely he would need to pass a PVG/police check in order to get the job?

If you’ve never visited his home/met his friends how do you know anything he has told you about his life is actually true? How much do you actually know about this man?

This is the book that I think would be a useful read for you.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352/ref=mpssa111?adgrpid=117311633666&hvadid=498415942218&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1007204&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=9424038716377377304&hvtargid=kwd-307706879490&hydadcr=13660_1820720&keywords=the+gift+of+fear+by+gavin+de+becker&qid=1678816869&sr=8-1

You only know whatever he has told you though OP. There's no harm in doing a check like Sarah's Law, there's no downside to it.

I’m sorry but this is a safeguarding concern. You need to protect your children Please change the settings on your Facebook account so you don’t have any public information or photos and attract any other people who may not have the best of intentions.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

OP you don't seem able to establish and maintain clear boundaries you are confident of when it comes to safeguarding - as you've ignored your instinct (and that of your mum) and felt you should go along with what everyone else thinks of a man who is spending time with your daughter, avoided confrontation etc.

I think this means you really need to not have any kind of public facing digital footprint that shows you are a mum, as this makes you vulnerable to dodgy characters and at the moment your safeguarding skills aren't strong enough to ensure she is protected from potential risk as much as possible.

Sorry if that isn't nice to hear, I just think it would be best to prioritise working on your self confidence and boundaries before thinking about any romantic involvement with anyone. You replied to a complete stranger who you know has seen you have a daughter as you've publicly shared that, just because he's quite handsome, even though you had a nagging doubt about his motivations too.

Your poor daughter.

Even if you have the slightest qualm about someone, why would you ignore that when the risk is your daughter mental and physical well-being. I’m disgusted by you and feel tremendously sorry for you in equal measure.

It seems strange to me that he works as a hospital porter and has so much time off and can afford travel and all these holidays 🤷‍♀️

How many are actually caught? Passing a police check doesn’t mean you haven’t offended, only that you haven’t been caught.

OP i have lost count of the amount of adults i have treated who were failed by their parents, as in their parents failed to keep them safe.

You have had a multitude of people on here tell you that this person's behaviour is cause for concern and you continue to come up with excuses.

No DBS is foolproof.

Abusers cross all classes, professions, ethnicities, ages and genders.

Im just exploring my thoughts.
I have no intention of seeing this man again. I had my concerns before but after this post I am 100 times more wary!!

OP, think of it this way - if you follow your instinct and cut him out, the worst case scenario here is that you are being OTT, he has no bad intentions, and you lose contact with a friend who you find annoying and overbearing. That doesn't seem like a big deal.

The best case scenario is that you've stopped a predator having access to your child.

And then on the other hand, if you don't cut him out, the worst case scenario is frankly unimaginable.

(Also, don't reply to random people that message you on Facebook. The photos are probably not of him. And even if they are, no one normal messages random strangers for a chat on Facebook)

Thank you for this. It makes a lot of sense 🙂.

I know I’ll get jumped on but here goes.. he sounds neurodivergent. It sounds like he’s trying to find a place to belong and misses a lot of unwritten social rules. He may need them explaining, kindly.

On the contrary - I suspect he is hyper vigilant and actively spots and seeks gaps of vulnerability that he can exploit relentlessly.

There will have been plenty of people that he has come across in the past who would have seen and sensed his inappropriate behavior and explicitly told him without being concerned about offending him.

OP there’s something wrong with the whole picture. Your parents are encouraging you to resist your instincts. Have they always done this? When else has this happened? Think back.

You must send a clear message that you don’t want to see him. He will have had this message before and will have a stock response to it: either trying to up the ante somehow (sending a present, flowers, turning up, emailing your mum) or by blocking you since you’ve sussed him out.

His job, which makes him sound trustworthy, is 100% also a way of making him seem above board.

He is a predator OP. It is frightening.

You are getting feelings about this now because you are pregnant and every cell in your body is telling you to check you’re safe.

Oh dear, this doesn’t sound like a friendship, more of a obligation. You both have clearly different expectations of the relationship and you have done yourself no favours by going over your comfort levels.

You need to get your family on board with regards to how to step back or if needs be, away from the ‘friendship’.

It sounds like you are very close to your family but why the hell does their opinions matter with regards to his attachment to your child? You are your DD’s mother, your discomfort at his behaviour around your child is important.

“OP there’s something wrong with the whole picture. Your parents are encouraging you to resist your instincts. Have they always done this? When else has this happened? Think back.”

Very much agree with this. I think the most recent posters are chiefly responding to your original post without seeing the journey this thread has taken. Many of us reading see this man as a danger. And a PP has made a very interesting point about the lifestyle he seems able to maintain on a hospital porter’s salary. So that may be a lie.

But a key point in all this is why do you routinely ignore your instincts? Why do you routinely check in with others and let them override your instincts? Please stop doing that. Your instincts reflect information which your subconscious is picking up. This man creeped you out at the start yet he eroded your boundaries and you let him.

I’m afraid you’re also somewhat naive if you think criminal behaviour is blatant and that you’d spot a paedophile.

Please work on your boundaries. Your daughter needs you to do this. She will also need help undoing the effects of his handling of her since she will have learnt that unrelated adult men can handle her. She’s vulnerable to further inappropriate behaviour because her boundaries have been overridden.

He's probably a scammer.

This is really creepy.

Facebook messenger guy could be him catfishing to see how likely you are to be interested in talking - did it start after you said you couldn't see him for now?

Why did you let your daughter go to the park with him AFTER your concerns, regardless of what your family said.

If true, this is all disturbing and you need to massively tighten your boundaries. Just say no, say the birth was harder than expected/two children harder than expected.