AIBU - pushy/needy friend

[Heidi3333]

Just wondering what you guys thought of a situation I’m in.

I’m 47, single and 3 years ago met a guy while on holiday with my daughter (she’s now 7). He’s a few years older, single, never married. Although there was definitely no romantic interest on my side he seemed nice company and we met up a few times on the holiday just as friends. I’ve always made it clear we are just friends and he has always respected that and never made any moves.

Since we got back home he has travelled up to Scotland (where I live) numerous times to spend time with us - he lives a 3.5 hour drive away. He usually stays a few days and will book into a hotel near by. I enjoyed his company and didn’t mind the visits.

Initially he came up just a few times a year but he’s starting to want to come up more and more often. Xmas 2022 he asked if he could spend Xmas with us and my family but I (politely) said no. Most recently he was up in December then February and now he wants to come up again in April! Visits are always initiated by him, I’ve never went down to his. And when he’s here it’s for days, he spends hours at a time sitting on my house and I end up spending a lot of money keeping him entertained with days out, dinners/lunches out etc that, being a single parent, I struggle financially with.

I’m living temporarily with my parents and brother right now and over time they’ve got to know my friend and grown fond of him. He has also started bringing his step-mum (only family member he really has) and I like her too. They both shower the family with an embarrassing amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas and have gotten close enough to my
Family that sometimes they all go out for dinner without me if I’m busy.

Here’s the problem - I am 7 months pregnant (donor embryo) and my
friend was last up only a few weeks ago. He messaged asking if he could come up next month (when I’ll be 8 months gone) but I said no as I’ll be too tired to entertain them for 3 days. I said he was welcome
to come up once the baby arrives. He then suggested coming up either the week after the baby was born or a few weeks after to celebrate his birthday. I also said no and that I needed some time getting settled Into a routine with my new baby and that he would have to wait until Autumn to next visit.

He hasn’t replied to my last message.

I think he’s probably hurt by my rebuttal but I just feel he’s getting too much and becoming too imposing on my family. He doesn’t seem to have many friends… I am becoming increasingly irritated by him at this stage but part of me also feels guilty.
AIBU by keeping him at arms length and setting up boundaries?

Thanks for reading x

The biggest risk to a child is an unrelated male. This one targeted you and is openly behaving in a disturbing manner to your child. Does your daughter know the PANTS rules, does she know no one should be touching her?

He sounds very lonely and I think you’re right that he sees your family as his ticket to gaining a new family. I would also be concerned about how close he is to your daughter.

Trust your intuition! If he makes you uncomfortable, if he’s costing you money and you don’t want him around then cut him out your life. You don’t need your family’s permission to do so. I feel he targeted you on holiday in the hope of a romantic relationship and now he’s hanging on incase you change your mind.

Use the birth of your new baby as a way to distance him. If he offers to send gifts then tell him a card is enough as you already have stuff from your daughters birth. If he wants to come visit, tell him it’s not a good time right now. Don’t suggest another time. Eventually I would stop replying to him altogether. His step mum and him have been kind with gifts but you never asked for them, he chose to buy them.

Don’t text him right now, wait until he eventually replies to you. Does he have any of your family members numbers? If so then tell them you do not want them replying to him if he contacts them. My worry Is he will come up to surprise you after your baby’s birth and would arrange it with someone in your family.

Are you sure the internet guy is real and not a scammer with stolen pictures?

He'll be offering to take your DD out for the day when the baby arrives to give you some rest.
OP can you really be so blind?

All this sounds very draining for you. You mentioned the American family he befriended and stayed with. Seems he has form for this.
You really need to stop accommodating this man, for your own sake and more importantly, your daughters. At that age I would have been horrified if a man not my father was constantly kissing and cuddling me.
Does he not have any (male) friends? Does he work? What does he do (apart from inveigling his was into families?)

OP you need to tell him bluntly that the friendship is over and you don’t want to see him anymore. He’s taking advantage of your nice/gullible nature to force a close ‘friendship’ that you don’t want. And now your family is getting to know him and being recruited to tell you to ignore your instincts and concerns? That’s WEIRD and very worrying. I’ve never seen a situation like this where the guy wasn’t a paedo.

Whether or not it’s grooming, a man kissing and snuggling a female child he isn’t related to is a huge red flag, it crosses a line. That he does this anyway means either he has no idea what appropriate behaviour is, or he knows he shouldn’t do it but is choosing to do so anyway. Either way: get rid. You say the day you met you were relieved when he went to talk to someone else, so can you see how manipulated you have been into a relationship you never wanted?

Please boot this man out of your life - firmly. You’ll feel so much better.

Send the following message:
”Hi ABC. It was fun hanging out on holiday but we don’t have much in common and I’m very busy. I feel this friendship has run its course and I don’t want to stay in touch. I wish you all the best for the future. Best wishes, XYZ.”

Then - and this is so important - immediately block him on all social media, your phone etc, so he can’t manipulate you into feeling guilty. If anyone ever asks about him, just say the friendship fizzled out.

If your friend was being bullied into being close ‘friends’ with a guy she didn’t like who was inappropriately focused on her daughter, wouldn’t you tell her to do the same?

PLEASE PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.

I know I've already posted here twice but the more I think about this the more concerned I get. It's way too easy to feel sorry for this guy but he has targeted a single mum and her young daughter in a predatory way.

You felt uneasy around him from the outset. You overrode those instincts because your family (or at least your father) has taught you to ignore them. Those instincts are your safety radar. They mean something. They are absolutely not to be ignored. If you sense someone is in any way off, that's because they are off. This guy is not a direct threat to your father and brother so their instincts are not triggered (though it's a shame that they're unconcerned by his contact with your daughter). But overall different considerations apply to them. You and your mum know what's going on here.

This guy should not be around you. He has groomed your entire family. Even now, a number of the posters are feeling sorry for him and commenting on his loneliness. It was never your job to fix his loneliness. There's an MN saying: "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". You're setting yourself and your daughter on fire here. And your father and brother are encouraging it.

There are groups this guy can join if he wants company - it is instructive and not an accident that he attached himself to a single mum holidaying with her daughter. He exploited your good nature from the outset. He is now teaching your daughter that he gets to physically handle her with impunity - this is what she is learning - that adult men get to touch her in affectionate ways. Her boundaries are already being seriously eroded and abused.

UNLESS SOMETHING IS DONE FAST YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BE VERY VULNERABLE TO FUTURE ABUSE.
PLEASE PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.

OP, as hard as it might be, really use this as an opportunity to question why you don't listen to my yourself. You walked away from him initially as you were done chatting and he found you again in the restaurant and what happened then to go from there to him visiting all the time? I don't understand where your agency is in all this? No matter what your family say, you are getting creepy vibes from him so listen to yourself. I know it is so hard to trust yourself when anxiety is there also, believe me I get this in bucketloads, but you do need to learn to listen to you. Just because we are anxious doesn't mean we don't also have valid concerns and feelings. Good luck.

@Heidi3333

I would advise:

FB guy - block him but also narrow access to your Facebook as far as possible so you and your child are not so accessible online. Any others like this, block as soon as they pop up.

Creepy, needy "friend". Sorry he makes my skin creep reading your posts. I'm unsure how he got so far into your life (Facebook access again?) but I'd suggest emailing him very clearly and tell him you and your daughter have a lot going on in your lives at the moment, you have neither the time or the energy to include him in your lives and that you'd prefer not to hear from or see him any more. Then block and delete.

Do you have a Ring (or similar) doorbell/camera on your door? If not I'd suggest getting one installed in case he comes to your home.

You know he's tenacious because of how he latched onto you on holiday, increasing his grasp on your lives through your family and by his intention to invite himself to Christmas at those people in the US.

He may well try and sidestep you and continue to communicate with your family (especially the males of the family who don't seem to "get" how you are feeling). Tell the family you have cut him out of your life and you don't want anything regarding you or your child(ren) shared with him. Let them know that if they invite him to their home(s) when you are likely to be there you will immediately leave, whatever upset this may cause.

Protect yourself OP. This really has gone on long enough. 🌹

Hi everyone thanks so much for the replies. They have given me a lot to think about and I haven’t been able
to think about anything else since 🥲.

To clear a few things up:

• the visits started very casually at first, visiting me in the city I work (without my daughter) and then gradually building up to being more frequent and getting closer to my family but now he is getting ridiculous- wanting to come up every 6-8 weeks!
• I was happy with the friendship at first as I don’t really have a lot of friends tbh and we share a love of travelling/weekends away - in fact we had a few weekends away together with my daughter. He always initiated the visits but initially I was happy to oblige.
• he usually wants to come up when there’s family events like Xmas, most recently my daughters birthday in February and now of course my baby is nearly due and he wants to be involved with all of that.
• he does seem to love children (has

none of his own) and frequently will drive hours to visit great nieces/step nephews etc, posting pictures off them all over FB and even having pictures of them as a screensavers on his phone.

• I do really like his step mum but as for him… I’m unsure of his intentions and I’ve been growing increasingly wary of him.
• he works as a domestic in a hospital , was previously a school janitor. He’s only had one girlfriend as far as I can make out and doesn’t seem to have any friends.
• The last time he was up I really Couldn’t be bothered with him and couldn’t wait for him to leave. I put it down to pregnancy hormones but

i just felt very imposed upon.

• I do suffer from anxiety and this can border on being irrational/obsessional sometimes so I can doubt myself and my feelings on things.
• I have felt uneasy with how affectionate he is with my daughter for awhile and wanted to broach this subject with him but just didn’t know how to without causing offence. When I discussed my worries with my family I felt more reassured but it’s still something that worries me. My parents are pretty soft though and have a history of ‘hangers on’ and scammers so I’m not sure how much I should really value their opinion!
• with regards to the American family - he started following a 17 year old singer online and then became friendly with all her family before inviting himself over to visit and stay for 5 days! This is the family he intends to go over and spend Xmas with!!

I dunno. My head is all over the place tbh. I haven’t heard from him since my last message which suits me fine. I’m glad he lived hours away as it gives me lots of space. Right now I’m not sure I ever want to see him again…

Gosh Bobbie that sounds horrific! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It’s how I feel about this guy too - that he’s pushing
himself more and more into my familys
life and becoming more integrated. He’s becoming a pest at best and is making me increasingly wary of his intentions (despite all my family dismissing my concerns!).

causing offence to a man who has targeted you to access your child does not matter.

Advocate for her, never allow males to put their hands and lips on her. Your posts are deeply disturbing, please educate yourself in how lone mothers are targeted, how to safeguard your child from CSA, and urgently teach her about consent, P.a.n.t.s and other basics. This thread has made my flesh crawl, I really wish I’d never clicked it. Protect your child.

I have felt uneasy with how affectionate he is with my daughter for awhile and wanted to broach this subject with him but just didn’t know how to without causing offence.

You broach it by not giving a fuck about whether he takes offence or not.
This man has inserted himself into your & your family's life & is manhandling your daughter. You tell him to back the fuck off.
An easier option would be to never see him again. Take PP's advice & choose either the slow fade or direct cutting-out route.

Your familys opinion doesnt come into this decision.
If they want to have a relationship with him they can carry on.
You are obviously uncomfortable about him on several levels.
That is enough.
You tell him you are too busy, not enough room, concentrating on your kid(s).
And if he doesnt back off.. you tell him you just dont want to see him again.
You dont have to explain or justify your decision to anyone... just stick with it!
Your daughters safety is paramount here and you should listen to you instincts.

I got no time alone with my Mum without her showing up, even at special Mother's Day dinners and when my Mum passed away, she cornered me in the kitchen, pushing me into the fridge and touching my face saying 'Let me In', which was absolutely not wanted and bordering on lesbianism at best, abuse at worse.

Bobbie, I'm really sorry about what you suffered at this woman's hands & how much of your mum she robed you of.

But have to take issue with the casual lesbophobia of "bordering on lesbianism".
Being a lesbian does not make women back other women into fridges, behave like predators, or intrude in family dynamics.
The woman who gave you all this bother was predatory because she's a predator. Not because she might be lesbian.

Hi guys

i also wasn’t sure if he I was over-reacting to his affection towards my daughter as well as worrying about causing offence…

so yes I’m going to do the slow fade especially as I have a new baby as a great excuse.

No need for a slow fade. This bloke has been pushy, domineering, selfish and creepy, and knows exactly how to play you.

Stop pussy-footing around worrying about how to let him down gently, grow a back-bone and tell him to fuck off.

Dear ABC,
For too long I have felt railroaded into a quasi-relationship with you, against my better judgment. My daughter, family, and unborn child have all become fair game for your advances, and I wish to reclaim my privacy, agency and control. I don’t plan to see you again and neither do my family. Please don’t contact me further.
Yours, XYZ

Can you do the 'slow fade' entirely away from your child? I'm speechless.

(as a victim of CSA myself, it's really disturbing how you haven't mentioned what you know about predators and educating your child, and advocating for her. Hopefully you already know all this and just haven't come across well on the thread)

I've read this thread and I want to give you a shake.

Stop parenting by committee. You are her mother, it's your job to protect her.

Stop worrying about causing offence and start worrying about getting better boundaries. Predatory people rely on others not wanting to cause offence, they use it to manipulate you.

It's not your parents job to protect her, it's your job and yours alone. So why do you abdicate that responsibility by wanting their approval.

This man has targeted you and is still doing so. Wake up to your sub conscious screaming warnings at you.

Don't try to do the slow fade or he'll end up sucking you back in and you will put your daughter at risk again.

It's on you to act now because you cannot say you were not warned.

Message him today and say:

'I'm uncomfortable with how our friendship has developed and its no longer working for me. I need to focus on my family and the responsibilities I have towards my children. I will no longer be in touch so please do not try to contact me or my family'.

Then block.

This may be a cross roads point in your daughters life. Please be brave for her sake and your baby's.

BOg I’ve talked to my child about inappropriate behaviours from adults, how to say no and to report things back to me. I’m not stupid! I’ve been friends with
this guy for over 3 years and I’ve rarely
left her alone with him. She also gets a lot of sex education at school. I don’t think I’m neglectful in this sense.

It’s not easy being a single parent of a little girl, and will be even harder when I have another little girl soon, as I’m always wary of men’s intentions when they befriend me (and I’d love to have a boyfriend at some point). But I think it’s a bit irrational to view EVERY guy as a potential paedo!!

But it isn’t irrational to consider whether a pushy man who put hands and lips all over your child is a predator. This screams potential abuse I’m afraid. Teaching her in theory what to do is meaningless compared with showing her what is and isn’t appropriate in real life situations, as well as how to put boundaries in place. He shouldn’t be around her again.

FFS sorry I’m not trying to pile
on here but seriously what do you mean you’ve left her alone with a man you’ve said gives her an inappropriate level of physical attention you’re uncomfortable with
What in the world are you thinking doing that!

See, now you're trying to tell yourself you're just over reacting.

But I think it’s a bit irrational to view EVERY guy as a potential paedo!!

No one is saying that, but this guy very much fits the behaviour pattern. The fact that he hasn't acted in the 3 years you've known him doesn't mean he's not grooming you.

He's pushed and pushed your boundaries and is trying to wear you down. When the baby comes he may well ramp up to 'why don't you let me take DD1 out whilst you and the baby get some sleep'. You'll be tired and distracted.

Stop thinking about future relationships and deal with the problem in hand. Get him away from your family.

It’s hard when you’re in the midst of
everything with someone as there are lots of grey areas - not everything is always so black and white.
If he’s giving my daughter a hug and kiss in front of 5 other adults (my family and his step mum) and no one bats an eye or
voices any concern it’s easy to doubt yourself!!

Anyway, he’s crossed too many lines and I’ve had enough. I don’t think I’ll be seeing
him again.