AIBU - pushy/needy friend

[Heidi3333]

Just wondering what you guys thought of a situation I’m in.

I’m 47, single and 3 years ago met a guy while on holiday with my daughter (she’s now 7). He’s a few years older, single, never married. Although there was definitely no romantic interest on my side he seemed nice company and we met up a few times on the holiday just as friends. I’ve always made it clear we are just friends and he has always respected that and never made any moves.

Since we got back home he has travelled up to Scotland (where I live) numerous times to spend time with us - he lives a 3.5 hour drive away. He usually stays a few days and will book into a hotel near by. I enjoyed his company and didn’t mind the visits.

Initially he came up just a few times a year but he’s starting to want to come up more and more often. Xmas 2022 he asked if he could spend Xmas with us and my family but I (politely) said no. Most recently he was up in December then February and now he wants to come up again in April! Visits are always initiated by him, I’ve never went down to his. And when he’s here it’s for days, he spends hours at a time sitting on my house and I end up spending a lot of money keeping him entertained with days out, dinners/lunches out etc that, being a single parent, I struggle financially with.

I’m living temporarily with my parents and brother right now and over time they’ve got to know my friend and grown fond of him. He has also started bringing his step-mum (only family member he really has) and I like her too. They both shower the family with an embarrassing amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas and have gotten close enough to my
Family that sometimes they all go out for dinner without me if I’m busy.

Here’s the problem - I am 7 months pregnant (donor embryo) and my
friend was last up only a few weeks ago. He messaged asking if he could come up next month (when I’ll be 8 months gone) but I said no as I’ll be too tired to entertain them for 3 days. I said he was welcome
to come up once the baby arrives. He then suggested coming up either the week after the baby was born or a few weeks after to celebrate his birthday. I also said no and that I needed some time getting settled Into a routine with my new baby and that he would have to wait until Autumn to next visit.

He hasn’t replied to my last message.

I think he’s probably hurt by my rebuttal but I just feel he’s getting too much and becoming too imposing on my family. He doesn’t seem to have many friends… I am becoming increasingly irritated by him at this stage but part of me also feels guilty.
AIBU by keeping him at arms length and setting up boundaries?

Thanks for reading x

Weathereax - grooming is something that worries me. A strange guy (never met
before) has started messaging me out of the blue on FB. He’s very attractive so I have responded a bit but at the back of my
mind I wonder if it’s really my daughter
hes after as there’s lots of
pictures of us together in my
profile. I never have pictures of her on dating apps though. I try not to consider every guy I meet as a potential groomer
but it’s hard not to at times.

You’ve just let someone insanely pushy, endlessly needy and extremely lonely latch on to you, when his lack of boundaries and insensitivity to normal social cues was evident the first time you met. Stop delegating your thinking to your family, and radically limit contact in future.

This has crossed my mind a lot. I have
voiced my worries to my family and they
jist laughed. I suffer from anxiety and get irrational thoughts sometimes so I thought I was being OTT.

But what about his elderly
step mum - she’s nearly 80 - who comes up a lot with him? Surely she can’t be in on any grooming?

The whole scenario is wrecking
my head 🥲

He’s gaslight / groomed her as well. Or she’s unwittingly there as distraction.

You don’t need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) YOUR feelings or decisions to anyone about this.

You don’t need your families approval about who you do or don’t allow in your home.

The physical interaction with your DD is alarming.

Do any other adults in her world engage with her like this?

Hes a predator OP ... and it's befriending the family is a ploy they use .

As well as this guy?

Yes Piggie - as well as my
so called friend.
For the record I haven’t replied to the internet guys last message as I’m wary.

Good.

Ummmm… are you joking? Surely no-one would message the Random Attractive Facebook guy back? And your ‘friend’ from holiday sounds like a walking talking red flag factory.

He's a creep!! Why would you let some strange man who's friends you've never met, house you barely know get physically and emotionally close to your daughter!!! She isn't the same as a dog - have you seen him be this affectionate with any men...? Or is it just women?

Stop worrying about being polite and what your family think - let your mama bear instinct kick in and cut contact with this weirdo immediately. It doesn't even matter if he brings along his step mother (or whoever she is) - plenty of groomers have close relationships with a parent.

People will take you as far as YOU let them. Boundaries!!!! Just because you are female doesn't mean you have to host any man who wants to be hosted. You get to say No.

Why doesn't this man create his own life and family from where he is standing instead of latching on to other people's lives and families? If he isn't a predator, then he has no sense of self. (Although I think he is a predator, but on the off-chance he is not, then he needs some serious therapy.) He needs to be dating and living his life where he lives. You need to cut him off completely.

Oh OP, you don't need anyone else's permission to decide this isn't working from you - not even your family's. If this doesn't feel right (and honestly, it doesn't sound at all right), you can just end it. He's acting like a partner, not a friend. And the step mum may well not have a clue about his intentions. From the outside he is clearly outrageously overstepping and you're not overreacting at all. He can be lonely and still be massively pushing boundaries. If you have even the smallest smidge of discomfort about his behavior with your daughter, he needs to go. Now. Protect her and protect yourself. There are red flags everywhere, I promise. Congratulations on your pregnancy

I'd cut him loose. He's not respectful of your boundaries. Delete & block.

I think he's trying to force himself into your life, hoping one day you will cave & see him as boyfriend material.

Why don't you take a step back for now ? You've got a lot going on & you can process your feelings around the situation without him loitering.

It's fairly advantageous that he doesn't live locally to you or they'd be no boundaries at all!!

My thoughts are that the friendship has run it's course and you're just in the midst of working it out. Once baby (congrats) is here, you won't have time to think about anything else.

Slow fade ?

Trust me - RUN. I went through something very similar to what you're experiencing with a friend of my Mum's who showed up when I was in my 20's not long after my father died. For over 20 years I had to put up with my Mum not setting any boundaries, and this woman pushing further and further into our lives at really personal family times - such as Christmas. A lot of the time I was left feeling like a third wheel. I got no time alone with my Mum without her showing up, even at special Mother's Day dinners and when my Mum passed away, she cornered me in the kitchen, pushing me into the fridge and touching my face saying 'Let me In', which was absolutely not wanted and bordering on lesbianism at best, abuse at worse.

No boundaries were ever set for her and because she was lonely without a family of her own, she tried to take mine. She almost succeeded. Even on the day of my Mum's funeral, she wondered why as a minister she wasn't leading the proceedings. She was told to f off.

You absolutely must trust your instincts here. Do not allow this man to invade your life and very possibly hurt your kids to the point where they lose their relationship with you. How he is behaving is really inappropriate and unless you tell him otherwise he will keep pushing. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic when I say that my self esteem was crushed and I am still left with the scars of what that woman did to me over that period of time. Please take care of you and your children. You absolutely must be firm with him. Good luck.

Slow fade? Why?!! Hard fade, I'd say...

He is most likely grooming your daughter, OP.
He may be using his stepmother as the equivalent of a beard.
In your shoes I would not see him again, ever.

As for the FB guy... why would you even consider responding.
Why are photos of your daughter accessible to people you don't know?

Your boundaries are all over the place. Practically nonexistent.

You sound far too 'nice' with terrible boundaries. This whole friendship is weird and you sound like you never really wanted it but let him steamroll you. Now you're replying to strangers who message you on social media because their photos are attractive? Come on. You need to put a stop to these long visits - it's clear as day he's grooming your daughter and your whole family to me.

It’s hard when your healthy instincts have been routinely dismissed by those close to you. They have caused you to doubt yourself and let your boundaries be walked over. From the outset, you were disturbed by his manner but he counted on your kindness and politeness and steam-rollered right through. Cut this guy off. He’s predatory and inappropriate with your daughter. He needs to go.

Why are you calling him your friend?

You never liked him in the first place. Did you seek out his company? No, you wanted him to leave you alone!

He's just a weirdo who doesn't take no for an answer, and you're bad at saying no because you've learned generous hospitality without boundaries from your family.

You and your mum should trust your instincts here and stop playing his game.

God knows what he's up to, but grooming is certainly possible.

Smashing the weird illusion of "friendship" you've all created will be uncomfortable, but worth it. You don't owe him anything, including honesty. Make it easy on yourself. Have some fun with it. Invent a new partner, a policeman or a gangster!

Good luck ridding your life of this parasite!

Also your daughter - who’s not a pet - is learning that it’s okay for adult men to physically handle her (hugs and kisses) - she’s going to be vulnerable and have trouble with boundaries unless someone sorts this out.

Honestly I would stop replying to his messages, if your mum thinks something isn't right then it's not just you - you're not imagining this creepy vibe it's actually a thing, and you need to protect yourself and your dd and your unborn child from him.

Very weird behaviour from him and the kissing and cuddling on your daughter - I would of had to call him out there and then. I would tell him that it's making you very uncomfortable and that due to this you're going to have take a back seat from the friendship. (Doesn't sound like you like him very much sounds like he's forced himself on you and your family.)

👆This right here.

The creep factor is strong with this one.

Ditch!

I think if both you and your Mum feel even slightly uncomfortable about the amount of attention he shows your daughter then you should act on that instinct. He sounds overpowering.

This is truly horrifying that you've exposed your child to this bloke who's openly putting his hands and lips on her in front of you. Keep all creepy blokes away from her entirely. No need to ponder his mother or his personality.

There are enough huge red flags here that if it were me I’d end this friendship.

1. His disturbing lack of boundaries and respect for your time. Not listening to your no and getting sulky and punishing you for putting perfectly reasonable boundaries in place.
2. His over affectionate behaviour with your daughter that in your own words makes you feel uncomfortable
3. His ingratiating himself within your family unit and bringing his mother in when you are simply friends and nothing more- this could be grooming behaviour (it might not be of course but it is concerning)
4. His latching on to people he barely knows and expecting inappropriate closeness and friendship when he hasn’t earnt it in a normal and healthy way.

He may have perfectly innocent intentions but equally, the above behaviour is also indicative of manipulation.

If it were me, this would make me highly wary and uncomfortable and I think you should be extremely careful going forward.